A single woman's rant about other stuff

[Appleby]

I am a single woman and I have nothing to say about sex. I have been given the gift of celibacy and I thank God for it daily (sometimes hourly) and struggle sometimes to empathize with those not so fortunate. I suppose it is rather like only sleeping 5 hours a night, maybe; it frees a person up to do other things.

My rant is quite different.

I am a single woman who is happy as a single woman, after a long, varried, sometimes exciting life (I am about to turn 61). Yet most of the people in my life, having either been married or currently being married, cannot believe that (1) it is possible to be happy and successful without being married or (2) that a person who is not married isn’t a multimillionaire with unlimited free time and no excuse for not dropping everything and rushing to the aid of the married with children.

One example: my sisters do not visit me. One has not been to see me since 1977 although for many years she lived an easy drive away and at all times she and her husband and children had anywhere from two to five cars. I have no car – can’t drive because of poor eyesight – yet they are convinced my paying $150.00 and 8 hours to take the train to see them is no hardship on me, yet their driving the same distance which takes 4 hours by car and costs less than half that amount ‘just can’t be done.’ We have gotten to the stage now where the grandchildren will uncomfortably mutter something about ‘we’d love to come and see you’ but we all know they’re being untruthful and that unless I travel to see them, we’ll never see each other again. In fact, when this kind of half-hearted suggestion comes up I am tempted to simply snap, “Oh, why not just drop it? You know you don’t mean it and so do I.”

When I was travelling everywhere and they were buying houses, boats, cars, cabins, ski-doos etc. they would say, “Well, if you can afford to go to France, you can afford to come and see us!” I could afford to go to France because I wasn’t buying houses, boats, cars, etc. – I didn’t own a thing. But of course since I had no husband and no children, I had nothing to spend my money on at all. Or anyway nothing that mattered…in fact, when I sponsored a race car for a friend of mine, one of my sisters indignantly suggested I give her son the money instead so HE could buy a car.

Finally, now that I am nearing retirement age, and I have ‘nobody to leave your money to’ (meaning insurance, as I have no fortune under the mattress, despite what they think) I am hearing more and more hints as to whose children ‘deserve’ my favour.

I love my sisters and their children and grandchildren and I do the right thing on their endless birthdays, christenings, graduations, marriages, birthdays, baby showers, and so forth. They do nothing for me.

I, you see, am a multi millionaire because I have no husband and no kids … they are absolved from doing anything for me, because they have these.

I do not think there is a solution to this dilemma. Suggesting that they treat me like a whole human being gets me nowhere.

How do you see your spinster sisters, cousins and aunts? Are we really just Auntie Mames without needs, desires or responsibilities who ought to be glad to drop everything and serve you?

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Nope.

And your rant is legitimate.

I’m stuck in the middle world… all the loneliness of a single, all the financial obligations and responsibility of a married person. So I see it from both ways.

And I have single siblings. They do not have children to take care of them in their old age, so I do not expect them to come to the rescue of my children who may think just because they have money saved, they owe them anything.

What you could do is the next time hints are dropped as to who you should leave your money to, you should sweetly say that over the years you have kept a list of who wrote thank you notes, gave you cards and gifts and cared enough to call and visit you. Those will be the people you remember.

Let them wonder who was nicer to you than they were. Guilt is funny to watch from afar.

Then leave your money to the local orphanage where they can use it and need it.

The ark mentality in our country is wrong. Unless you come as a matched set you are unworthy of any attention?

The only thing that could justify their attitude is if you have 10 cats and the air in your house is unbreathable and they’re all too nice to tell you that is why they don’t visit. If that’s not you, then maybe other readers here will make sure they do not perpetuate a similar injustice through the years on their own unmarried relatives.

Not everyone who is single is single by choice. And it can cost as much to live alone as if you had a partner sharing expenses and adding their income.

I’m sorry your family treated you this way.

 

[Appleby]

Thank you! I appreciate your taking the time to reply.

Naturally I am glad to help when I can, and I jump to help Mama at any time. And I do try to have patience with them. I do not count spinsterhood a cross to bear; I believe it is the life God has appointed for me and I have made the best of it, not without effort I must admit…I think sometimes some of them are worried that something will happen to me and one of them will be obligated to look after me.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

You mean, the same people who think because you have no children of your own, you owe theirs free cars or something? Funny how one-sided it is.

Yes, there are nice things to be said for “freedom” but it has a flip side… loneliness, vulnerability…

And I take issue with the word “spinster.” Unless you own a spinning wheel and make your money that way.

Society equates that with being unwanted and unloved and boring sitting at home alone. And it sounds like you’ve had a wonderful life and seen lots of fun places.

 

[cheeto1]

It sounds like they haven’t been too nice to you. But, if you
want to see them anyway, invite them over. I don’t like it when
people complain, “they never call” or “they never come over”.
I finally asked my grandpa how often he’d like me to call. He
said “once a week”. Then, I knew what to do, and we were
both happy.

 

[Appleby]

I invite them over every time I go to visit. We have guest suites here which will make them much more comfortable than they would be in a hotel.

Why dont you like people to complain when other people never call or come to visit? How will they know they are wanted if a person never mentions it?

My friends and I are rehabilitating the word Spinster; since single now means divorced we need our own word. Spinster means Never Married, thats all. It is the female for Bachelor.

Incidentally, why is it that Bachelor is a positive word and Spinster is a negative word? A never married man is a gay blade, but a never married woman is a pitiful object. Odd.

 

[LSK]

I have been a widow for 20 years. I have no children of my own, support myself and share a home with my 87 year old mother. Like you, I felt for many years that I was taken advantage of by my father and my brother because I was the ‘single’ one without children. Never mind that I have been actively involved in the raising of my brother’s children and that they are welcome in my home at any time…in fact, two live with me full time now and I expect at some point the third one will too.

A few years ago, my spiritual director asked me why I did anything for anyone…and I had to stop and really think what type of person I wanted to be - completely divorced from how I felt people should treat me or what I thought was fair. I made my decision and the walk towards that goal (the type of person I want to be) has been a truly humbling experience. I realized how darned unreasonable it is to be a good Catholic. I mean, come on…loving people who do not deserve to be loved? Being willing to see the face of Jesus in every mug that comes into my line of vision? Forget about it - too difficult…too disappointing…and you know what? No one seems to really care - I mean, there has not been ONE PARADE IN MY HONOR since I started trying to be the woman God wants me to be rather than the woman I want to be…

What has helped me in to immerse myself in the Sacraments (especially Reconiliation because boy do I need it), acknowledging when I am going through a bout of the blues (did so through the holidays) and to stop expecting anything from anyone in terms of love, acknowledgment, warmth or admiration. It is difficult - because I am a selfish and self-centered human being who would like to be patted on the head once in awhile and told how great I am…and quite frankly, people don’t ever seem to do that enough.

One of the exercises my spiritual director gave me was to ask myself this: if the people I have the most resentment towards were asked what MY character defects were, what would they say? I had to be really honest…write them out…put them before me on a piece of paper and then start asking God to relieve me of these defects…one day at a time.

I don’t know if it will help you or not…but it is a very humbling and revealing exercise and might help you cope with the lack of love and understanding you are getting from your family.

You are in my prayers.

 

[LSK]

Oh and by the way - since you are in Toronto…if you happen to see Keanu Reeves will you tell him I said hello?

 

[Phemie]

I sympathize with you.

DH and I have 3 brothers between us and we’re the only ones with kids. I don’t expect either of my brothers to do anything for them and neither does he expect his brother to do anything.

We live a thousand miles from my brothers and three thousand miles from his so visits are not frequent. One brother barely makes ends meet so we visit him when we can, and we talk a couple of times a month; the other is not interested in family so we see him once in a blue moon if we happen to be in the same city (I’ve seen him once since Dad died 6 years ago). DH’s brother we saw 2.5 years ago and he may die before we see him again. They weren’t close even when they were both under their parents’ roof.

OTOH, I have 2 ‘spinster’ aunts whom we visit any time we return home and call, not as often as we should, and send flowers to. We expect nothing from them either – they’re both in their late 80s.

 

[Appleby]

LSK, that is a lot to think about! Thank you for writing that. I was reflecting about the words of Jesus this morning when he said that even the tax collectors and other disreputable people will do good for those who return the favour. It is true that we should do good without expectations of ever being even thanked, much less rewarded. It is true but selfish ingratitude is not the way we were brought up. Mama sat us down from the time we were old enough even to draw a picture for those who gave us gifts or treats and made sure we thanked them properly. Apparently nobody does that anymore, since receiving gifts is only what the modern generation is entitled to by virtue of having been born. Its very sad really. I try hard not to count up the number of events I have had to cough up for over the three generations in my sisters families because that would REALLY make me mad. But I dont regret spoiling my youngest sisters boys with travel, holidays and Space Camp, because that was as much fun for me as it was for them. I would really like to get to know my great-nephews and neices in the same way; that is why I am sad that they do not come and visit me, as much for their sake as for mine. I think their parents are causing them to miss out on an experience that they would reallly enjoy.

Well not all of them are so witless though. My young neice in law brought her baby to the Hospice to visit Daddy when he started to toddle, and he brightened so many lives just by todding down the hall and looking in at the open doors. It does not take a huge effort to brighten the lives of others. But it seems for some people any effort at all is a labour of Hercules.

 

[cheeto1]

Why dont you like people to complain when other people never call or come to visit? How will they know they are wanted if a person never mentions it?

Oh. Because I feel offended and insulted to be complained
against, but I feel honored and appreciated to be invited.
If you invite someone, and they don’t come, then they don’t
come. You have shown honor and appreciation to them, and
nothing can take this good deed away. Invite them again if you want to.
My grandmother often complained to me about my cousins not visiting or calling her. I said, “I know, you could pick one of them, and invite them out to a dinner, and you would have a really special time together. Then, in a week or two, you could invite another one.” I thought it was a great idea and I’m sure that any of them would have treasured that day with her, but here’s what she said, “Why should I spend all that money?” Well, I don’t think the other things she chose to spend her money on instead
brought her more joy than my idea would have. She spent
$22,000 on building a beautiful sunroom in her home that she
always wanted, and she was able to enjoy it, alone.

P.S. – It really is a herculean feat to travel with a baby or
toddler, you have no idea. God bless the one who
visited the hospice

 

[Appleby]

This particular young niece in law has a 15 month old and a one month old now and three cats and a dog, in a house the size of my Daddys garage. She sails along as serenely as if she were a ship on a calm ocean and takes it all in stride. Both her children are angels. It is a gift that is a joy to behold.

I agree that it is fun to take the kids out and show them a good time. My favourite treat was taking them to the Embassy Suites for their birthdays – they could choose a friend to bring along, so they would enjoy the weekend in their own way – but we had a lot of adventures both expensive and cheap. Nevertheless, I would very much like to share my home with my family much as they share theirs with me. In not being visited I feel as if they dont think I am worth the bother.

 

[Sarabande]

How do you see your spinster sisters, cousins and aunts? Are we really just Auntie Mames without needs, desires or responsibilities who ought to be glad to drop everything and serve you?

I’m sorry you are experiencing this with your family.

I have to say my brother, sister and I LOVED our spinster aunts. They were the most fun. They lived with each other and actually opened their home to practically everyone, especially family and friends were were newly immigrated from the Philippines in the 80s and 90s. Our one aunt was/is like a big kid. She had/has all the newest games and gadgets. All the kids loved going over to the house to play with her and her games and toys. She and my other aunt would invite us to come and visit for a week or more. My parents would drop us off and we’d have a grand old time with them and with all of our Filipino cousins, also giving us a chance to know that part of our culture and heritage since my sibs and I are mixed race of caucasion and Filipino. And the house was often times filled to the brim - like one big huge party - and often times it really was a party. Always celebrating someone’s birthday or something else. Dance contests for the kids, etc. People would be camped out in all the rooms at night. It was so awesome for us as kids.

Our other aunt was always into fashion, collecting dolls and other girly things, so I loved hanging around her as well. She’d doll me up with her makeup - and I loved that gaudy blue eye shadow. haha! She also got me into collecting dolls. I don’t collect them now, but I have a small collection from my childhood. They also had a piano, which got me into wanting to learn how to play and am now I’m a professional musician. I do owe a lot to them.

Basically the two of them are just really giving people. They give, but they also know what is needed for themselves. And I think because our families give emotional support and love to them, they probably can do this for themselves without feeling “guilty” - and they shouldn’t feel guilty. They worked hard for their money and can do whatever they want with it. We have never actually asked for anything from them. In fact when we were really young, my mother actually asked my aunts to stop buying my brother and I things every time we went to visit them (which was often) because they didn’t want us to expect material gifts from our aunts each time. They wanted us to love our aunts because of who they were as people and also not make us materialistic. I think that was a very smart thing to do.

It seems to me that in your situation, you’re being taken for granted which isn’t right. And the kids have been taught to be that way towards you as well. Since I don’t really know your family, it’s hard for me to say how you should handle them, but from what I’m reading in your post, I don’t like this situation at all. Prayers for you.

 

[tundramom]

Well, my favorite SIL is a Spinster. She’s never been married and she is the only other member of my DH’s family 8 kids besides us who practices their Faith.

She is all three of my children’s Godmother. Her long-standing joke is that they all have to go to MIT so that they can take care of her in her old age. My 13 year old daughter recently revealed to us all of her money she had been saving in a hiding place in her bedroom. There was quite a bit of money there for her Auntie.

She lives in California, and we live in Minnesota. We talk on the phone once a week at least, exchange emails just about daily. She sends cards with a little money in them for the girls on their birthdays and she comes home to stay with us each Christmas. Our big vacations always include a stay with Auntie. She’s much more “hip” than I am and she is so in love with the girls and they her.

I pray for you that one or more of your Grand-nieces/nephews forms that sort of bond with you now. I know my kids would never dismiss Auntie’s needs or wants and vice-versa.

in Christ
Steph

 

[Matrix_Refugee]

Completely legitimate rant, and I’m right where you are: I’m thirty-one, was once engaged to be married, but broke off the relationship since my ex was emotionally controlling. I’ve since put my love life in God’s hands and He’s blessed me with peace of mind in return…

Except that He seems to have also given me the cross of dealing with well-intentioned married friends and co-workers who don’t seem to understand that a person can be just as happy as a single as they are with being married (or so it would seem). I’ve got one co-worker with a two-year old daughter who’s always, always gushing over what little “Madison” did… and then in the next breath will ask me, “Cecy, when are you going to get married and have kids?”

 

[Appleby]

You’ll know you have passed the boundary when they stop asking “Why don’t you get married” and start asking “Why **didn’t **you get married?”

Incidentally, my response to busybodies who ask me that question is, “Because I can’t afford any more expensive hobbies.”

 

[Salonika]

Appleby:

I am a single woman who is happy as a single woman, after a long, varried, sometimes exciting life (I am about to turn 61). Yet most of the people in my life, having either been married or currently being married, cannot believe that (1) it is possible to be happy and successful without being married or (2) that a person who is not married isn’t a multimillionaire with unlimited free time and no excuse for not dropping everything and rushing to the aid of the married with children.

Know all about it except for the rushing to the aid of the married with children - I am an only and my cousins with children do not live near. Also I think they realise that I am not good with younger children and that I would not babysit as much for the child’s sake as for my mine. I am a similar age to you.

Appleby:

But of course since I had no husband and no children, I had nothing to spend my money on at all. Or anyway nothing that mattered…

And they forget that your rent isn’t half becasue you are on your own, that the electricity bill isn’t half, that you don’t have someone else to do half the chores. Plus you must have other extra expenses because of your poor eyesight.

I was shocked some years back when I was told the never married had things the best. I said that about the two income couple without children!

Appleby:

Finally, now that I am nearing retirement age, and I have ‘nobody to leave your money to’ (meaning insurance, as I have no fortune under the mattress, despite what they think) I am hearing more and more hints as to whose children ‘deserve’ my favour.

Think some people get the wrong ideas about us, because they erroneously see us as rejecting realtionships or rejecting children becasue we choose not to have our own.

Appleby:

I do not think there is a solution to this dilemma. Suggesting that they treat me like a whole human being gets me nowhere.

Won’t if they think the unmarried by choice are “not real women” as one unmarried female cousin a generation older told me once.

Appleby:

How do you see your spinster sisters, cousins and aunts?

My spinster great aunts and my spinster aunt and her cousin were great examples to me. They showed me that women could lead interesting lives if they were not married and the unmarried can be caring and loving to children, as much as those who were married. They exemplified both independence and interdependence.

 

[Salonika]

Liberanosamalo:

And I take issue with the word “spinster.” Unless you own a spinning wheel and make your money that way.

Society equates that with being unwanted and unloved and boring sitting at home alone. And it sounds like you’ve had a wonderful life and seen lots of fun places.

I agree with the need for a different words for the “never married” and those who are postmarriage/relationship.

Without a word for the “never married” we become more invisible and our legimate needs can ne ignored.

I tend to say “never married”, “never been in a relationship”, no children. But I would like a more positive term as the negative start can stress the negative side.

I have the same problem with “spinster” as you do Liberanosamalo - it’s had a bad press and often a bad portrayal in movies and literature.

 

[Salonika]

Appleby:

You’ll know you have passed the boundary when they stop asking “Why don’t you get married” and start asking “Why **didn’t **you get married?”

Think that started at about 50 and the asking “why don’t you get married” was worst aged 40-50 along withthe comment about time running out to have children - as if I wasn’t aware of that.
Appelby:

Incidentally, my response to busybodies who ask me that question is, “Because I can’t afford any more expensive hobbies.”

My comment, first said in jest, then in truth is “because I’ve never met a man who would have added more to my life than he would have taken away.”

Usual comment are you saying a man would not have added anything?

Reply “no, but not as much as he would have taken away.”

Next comment “but if would have been different if you had married him”

My reply “how do you know?”

 

[graceandglory]

I am a single woman and I have nothing to say about sex. I have been given the gift of celibacy and I thank God for it daily (sometimes hourly) and struggle sometimes to empathize with those not so fortunate. I suppose it is rather like only sleeping 5 hours a night, maybe; it frees a person up to do other things.

My rant is quite different.

I am a single woman who is happy as a single woman, after a long, varried, sometimes exciting life (I am about to turn 61). Yet most of the people in my life, having either been married or currently being married, cannot believe that (1) it is possible to be happy and successful without being married or (2) that a person who is not married isn’t a multimillionaire with unlimited free time and no excuse for not dropping everything and rushing to the aid of the married with children.

One example: my sisters do not visit me. One has not been to see me since 1977 although for many years she lived an easy drive away and at all times she and her husband and children had anywhere from two to five cars. I have no car – can’t drive because of poor eyesight – yet they are convinced my paying $150.00 and 8 hours to take the train to see them is no hardship on me, yet their driving the same distance which takes 4 hours by car and costs less than half that amount ‘just can’t be done.’ We have gotten to the stage now where the grandchildren will uncomfortably mutter something about ‘we’d love to come and see you’ but we all know they’re being untruthful and that unless I travel to see them, we’ll never see each other again. In fact, when this kind of half-hearted suggestion comes up I am tempted to simply snap, “Oh, why not just drop it? You know you don’t mean it and so do I.”

When I was travelling everywhere and they were buying houses, boats, cars, cabins, ski-doos etc. they would say, “Well, if you can afford to go to France, you can afford to come and see us!” I could afford to go to France because I wasn’t buying houses, boats, cars, etc. – I didn’t own a thing. But of course since I had no husband and no children, I had nothing to spend my money on at all. Or anyway nothing that mattered…in fact, when I sponsored a race car for a friend of mine, one of my sisters indignantly suggested I give her son the money instead so HE could buy a car.

Finally, now that I am nearing retirement age, and I have ‘nobody to leave your money to’ (meaning insurance, as I have no fortune under the mattress, despite what they think) I am hearing more and more hints as to whose children ‘deserve’ my favour.

I love my sisters and their children and grandchildren and I do the right thing on their endless birthdays, christenings, graduations, marriages, birthdays, baby showers, and so forth. They do nothing for me.

I, you see, am a multi millionaire because I have no husband and no kids … they are absolved from doing anything for me, because they have these.

I do not think there is a solution to this dilemma. Suggesting that they treat me like a whole human being gets me nowhere.

How do you see your spinster sisters, cousins and aunts? Are we really just Auntie Mames without needs, desires or responsibilities who ought to be glad to drop everything and serve you?

Hi Appleby,

You didn’t really mention whether you are a practicing Catholic or not. It sounds like you might actually have the Single Vocation.
The Single Vocation, is not a self-seeking lifestyle, but is supposed to be a generous and giving lifestyle. Perhaps those closest to you, your family see something that you don’t.

People who are in the Consecrated Vocation, and people who are in the Vocation of Marriage are called to be self-gifts to others. To lay their lives down for another.

Pope John Paul II, when he was Karol Wojtyla, wrote a book called Love and Responsibility. It has a beautiful section on what is called Spiritual Parturition. (Spiritual parentage). Even though you have not given birth to your own children, as a Catholic single woman you are still called to be a gift of yourself to others.

It’s not necessarily a financial thing, but it could be. I suppose your family doesn’t see the fruits of a generous life, and that is what they are expecting of you.