A Terrible Void and Emptiness the Deeper I Go In Prayer

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AveMaria

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The deeper I travel into prayer (i.e. Living in the presence of God, sanctifying the present moment) the more I feel my personality and individuality slipping away. I feel like who I am is being surrendered, and it’s a terrible void and emptiness. I expected this to happen, but I thought that with every bit of surrender and detachment that God would fill me with Himself.

That’s not happening. I’m afraid I will lose what makes me “me” and end up this quiet, blank person who just prays and quotes bible verses. The more I pray, the more that is who I become.

Can someone more experienced tell me what God is doing here?
 
I relate to this very much and would love to hear an answer from someone more knowledgeable than myself.
 
AveMaria said:
That’s not happening. I’m afraid I will lose what makes me “me” and end up this quiet, blank person who just prays and quotes bible verses. The more I pray, the more that is who I become.
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This sounds less spiritual and more psychological. Do you have hobbies or friends? I believe you’ll find yourself much happier if you’re busy and socializing.
 
Prayer is supposed to be a joining of your self to God, not an erasing of self to let God rush in and fill a void. I agree it sounds like you maybe need to balance your prayer life with some other activities.
 
I understand what you are saying. I am a very introverted person, but I am easily the loudest goofiest person when I’m with people I know. I am a young college age woman raising a family member. I actually began to have this void during prayer when I was a novice in a cloistered monastery. I am planning to returning to contemplative life as soon as my family member is off to college and has established independence from me.

Thanks!
 
AveMaria said:
Can someone more experienced tell me what God is doing here?
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From my humble experience, it’s part of the “dark night of the soul,” whereby you are losing your ego. Your ego is your personality and will not let go easily. Your ego has to go if you are to advance to the next step in your spiritual development. That is why when you are deep in prayer you feel like “you are not there.” It’s not a bad thing really. Of course looking at it from the outside and from the perspective of someone who has not gone through the dark night it looks terrifying as if you have “changed” and in not a good way. Your ego will cling on to your past personality and make you feel like you should give up prayer life since it leads to nothing (hence your quote about blankness).

Keep at it. You will feel blank for awhile or as long as God feels you need to in order to remove your ego. But the person coming out the other side will be the real individual that God wants you to be. Hey, at least I’m hoping! I’m still in the midst of the dark night but I can see the light off in the horizon. It was so, so hard to go through the blackest part of the night, and my ego is still clinging and comes charging to the front at times. It’s a life-long struggle, but at least I know what the struggle is now. God will lead you through it.
 
I agree, but many people are not ready for such a surrender, such a letting go, and such a death. They fear it and warn others about it. But “unless a grain of wheat fall to the ground and die, it remains a single grain. But if it dies it becomes a rich harvest.” And I think this is also reflected in the new wine skins Jesus told us about. The ego contains our spirit. All that we think of ourselves, our ego, is only a small part of who we really are, who God welcomes us to discover. But we have to let go and that feels like death. But it is the only way to discover our deeper selves. It is because we are usually so preoccupied and focused here in the flesh and in the mind that anything beyond them seems empty. But only because we have not exercised our awareness of the more subtle spirit within us.

Don’t give up nor be discouraged. You are walking with Jesus. with every breath you breathe remind yourself that it is God’s breath giving you life. What seems like darkness is an interpretation of your ego that loves to think, loves images, loves concepts. Your spirit is higher than all that. Beyond description, word, images and understanding because it is finer, purer, closer to God who is infinite and eternal.
 
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Are you feeling emptiness and void in all the aspects of your life, or only in your spiritual life?
If you’re having signs and symptoms of depression, you’ll want to have that treated by a professional.

I’m not an expert, but your sense of not feeling like yourself strikes me as an area for concern. You should feel yourself transformed by the Spirit, but not eliminated or negated. My understanding is that as you advance in the spiritual life, you should feel different, but as a better version of yourself.

It’s also possible I’m not understanding what you’re trying to portray.

You would need a good spiritual director for this one, and be open to possibly a psych eval.
 
Ehh…hmm…err…well, I suppose I may not be good at answering this as I don’t think I’ve ever done anything like this, but…how do you pray?

Is it like a buddhist? We aren’t supposed to empty ourselves so much as have ourselves die for Christ, becoming more like Him. You’re still using words like I so I don’t think you are experiencing ego death or anything of the sort.

I’m not sure if this is what it’s supposed to be like, I’m surely not the most saintly guy ever, but I think maybe you’re trying to empty yourself and be filled with God. I do not think this is how it is supposed to be done, but by offering all yourself to God, not emptying youself, but offering it, and be filled with the Holy Ghost. I can understand this seems like a small difference but it is a large one.
 
Yeah, I’ve heard of the phrase “to die to self” but what that means is to give everything to God, do everything for God. Not lose your personality and become a very blank or calm person if that’s not how you are naturally. Saints like Therese of Lisieux, Teresa of Avila, and Blessed Solanus Casey were trying every day to give their all to God and yet they each still had wit and intellect and a personality.
 
You need to find a competent Catholic spiritual director.

No one on the internet can evaluate what you are experiencing.

“Feeling” a certain way is not a reliable gauge of your spiritual state.

I would caution those who have not experienced the dark night of the senses (not the dark night of the soul) against trying to evaluate the OP’s situation.
 
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Absolutely! Understanding that the person you consider to be you is not your true self is a very big part of the spiritual journey, but it is only the beginning because then we can start to manifest true spiritual fruit in the material realm. It is not so much a change we undergo through that period, as it is a realization of what has always been. The ego is finite, and at death will be left behind anyway; the more we move from the realm of the soul and into the realm of the spirit, the closer we come to realizing our eternal nature, which should end up releasing one from all fears.

I hate saying things like this, but be wary and be resolute because the enemy will do its utmost during this period of transition to derail you, because within the realm of the soul you are no threat to the enemy, but within the spirit you will begin to have the authority within Jesus’ name to drive the enemy away. Keep going, and trust entirely in God, even when you may feel like He has deserted you.

God bless
 
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