A tough situation

[bmullins]

I have a brother in law who is getting married soon. He is getting married in a court house civil ceremony. He has no intention of getting it convalidated. His future wife seems to be very anti-religious, and he seems to be taking on those characters himself. Now it’s really none of my business how he conducts that part of us life; but at the same time it IS my business. He is a Godfather to several of the children in our family.

Here is the sticky part. He told each and every person that made him a Godfather he didn’t want to do it. They kept pressuring him till he did. I have no problem with him not wanting to do it, but I do have a problem with him taking the oath and promising to set a good example and help raise the children Catholic… and then not doing it. As a Godfather he should be setting the bar, showing them what a good Catholic does. Even if he and the girl don’t want to be religious, HE in particular should be doing the right things, the right way… if not for himself, for the children.

On the other hand, it is difficult because I’d rather him be honest than to do something that would be clearly a lie. By convalidating the marriage when he doesn’t believe in it could be very damaging to his soul and since it seems they see marriage as a temporary thing that they are only going to do for a few years and see how it works, it could be even more damaging to the children to see a divorce etc, after going through the church.

Now here is my quandary in all of this. I’ve been invited to the wedding and to the reception following it. So have several of his Godchildren. I know what I should do. I should not go and show that I don’t believe its being done correctly. But how do I go about it without causing resentment and hard feelings from the entire family? All of them seem to be supporting his decision, and I support that he has the right to marry who he wants. I also know he’s not a practicing Catholic nor does he claim to be. The Godfather issue makes it so much more difficult

 

[bearkatjen]

I have a brother in law who is getting married soon. He is getting married in a court house civil ceremony. He has no intention of getting it convalidated. His future wife seems to be very anti-religious, and he seems to be taking on those characters himself. Now it’s really none of my business how he conducts that part of us life; but at the same time it IS my business. He is a Godfather to several of the children in our family.

Here is the sticky part. He told each and every person that made him a Godfather he didn’t want to do it. They kept pressuring him till he did. I have no problem with him not wanting to do it, but I do have a problem with him taking the oath and promising to set a good example and help raise the children Catholic… and then not doing it. As a Godfather he should be setting the bar, showing them what a good Catholic does. Even if he and the girl don’t want to be religious, HE in particular should be doing the right things, the right way… if not for himself, for the children.

Family pressure is tough, and I think it’s sad and odd that family members continued to pressure him to be a godfather when he clearly didn’t want to. You may see someone who took an oath to God, but I seem someone who doesn’t really believe in all that stuff and caved to family pressure so as to not cause more family problems.

This is a bit mean, but I think your family members who pressured him, are getting their due. Sadly, it’s the kids who really lose out.

On the other hand, it is difficult because I’d rather him be honest than to do something that would be clearly a lie. By convalidating the marriage when he doesn’t believe in it could be very damaging to his soul and since it seems they see marriage as a temporary thing that they are only going to do for a few years and see how it works, it could be even more damaging to the children to see a divorce etc, after going through the church.

I think it’s great he is being honest too and getting married the way he wants, and finally putting his foot down to family pressure. To me, that says he’s taking the marriage seriously, and is making sure he gives promises he and his fiance earnestly feel they can keep. Marriage in the church isn’t just about being together forever, there’s that whole “open to life” dealio, and the promise to raise your children Catholic, and I think it’s fairly clear your brother-in-law and fiance don’t want to promise those things.

Now here is my quandary in all of this. I’ve been invited to the wedding and to the reception following it. So have several of his Godchildren. I know what I should do. I should not go and show that I don’t believe its being done correctly. But how do I go about it without causing resentment and hard feelings from the entire family? All of them seem to be supporting his decision, and I support that he has the right to marry who he wants. I also know he’s not a practicing Catholic nor does he claim to be. The Godfather issue makes it so much more difficult

Oh yes, Jesus would definitely spurn them. Jesus would never have anything to do with a sinner. Seriously, how can you think not going is the right thing? God gave us free will because he wants us to come to him on our own, to choose to love him and be faithful. He doesn’t want to force people, and we shouldn’t want to force people. By not going, you are judging your brother-in-law’s actions and passive-aggressively trying to force him back to the church. You would also be a force that pushes him away from his loving (and perhaps over-bearing) Catholic family. Pray for him and his bride, and help his bride feel apart of his Catholic family. Lead by example. Not a holier-than-thou example, but one of love and kindness.

 

[Catholic90]

Your family members who kept badgering him about being a Godfather when he did not want to be should have back off a long time ago.

They asked, he answered, and that SHOULD have been the end of it. Clearly, he must not have believed in it when he answered, and he was being honest by declining. But they couldn’t just let it go…

So now YOU be a good example to the children. Some Godparents are very involved in their Godchildren’s lives, and some are not. That is just the way it is.

 

[bmullins]

Oh yes, Jesus would definitely spurn them. Jesus would never have anything to do with a sinner. Seriously, how can you think not going is the right thing? God gave us free will because he wants us to come to him on our own, to choose to love him and be faithful. He doesn’t want to force people, and we shouldn’t want to force people. By not going, you are judging your brother-in-law’s actions and passive-aggressively trying to force him back to the church. You would also be a force that pushes him away from his loving (and perhaps over-bearing) Catholic family. Pray for him and his bride, and help his bride feel apart of his Catholic family. Lead by example. Not a holier-than-thou example, but one of love and kindness.

So you are indicating that Jesus would go anywhere at anytime, with anything going on? We are not to judge people based on their eternal destination, but we are not supposed to sit around and pretend that what they are doing is ok either. I have friends who are not Christian and do things that I don’t approve of. If they are going to do it and I know they are going to do it, I don’t go over. If my buddy invites me to a strip club, I tell him no and why. I’m not judging him. I’m saying that God doesn’t want me in a strip club.

If marriage is a sacrament, then isn’t it something that we should indeed prove we believe? Like I said I’m torn. I love my brother in law. I appreciate his honesty. I don’t think a secular marriage is right. I’m a sinner. So I shouldn’t throw rocks. But I shouldn’t stand by while others sin and nod in agreement. For me it’s not as cut and dry as just go and be there.

 

[shainski]

Does witnessing an important event mean that you give approval of it?

I’ve gone to all kinds of marriages of people of all different faiths and some with none at all. I’ve witnessed bar mitzvahs. I’ve never been invited to a gay union, but i were invited to attend, i’m sure i would go. I’m not trying to put my own stamp of approval on everything that i do - nor would i anticipate that i am giving condemnation on anything that i don’t do.

It seems to me that the more involvement i have in others lives, the more change i would have to someday make a difference.

Unfortunately, there is no recall procedures for Godparents. Many people use those terms simply to honor someone. Your relatives all made him a God parent with the full knowledge of his beliefs. Your brother is not to blame for his honesty.

People change. Hopefully you can remain in his life. Someday he may come to you with a changed heart. Then you may have some real chance for change. Think of the author of “amazing grace”, John Newton.

 

[Castello]

I do not attend invalid weddings. Yes, I have stayed at home and not attended the wedding of close friends and of my sister. Guess what, my family and friends respect my Faith and understand that for me it would be sin to attend.