A transvestites lover - How?

[Abbadon]

I have no idea where even to consider putting this question.

Well I’ll start off, my friend came to me the other day with a dilemma. And what advice or anything i could tell him would be inadiquate. This is something he entrusted me with but i’m hoping for the aninimity of the internet to help me help him, without breaking his trust.

You know how the story ends but let is start. He started a new job a few months ago, and ended up getting along with, lunching and becoming freinds with one of the girls from work. You know how it goes starts with lunch, movies, hanging out at each others places. Becoming closer, then sometime last week at scrabble and wine, he leaned and kissed her. He said it was really good for about 5 seconds then she pushed him away and said “listen “insert name here”, I mean i really like you to, and it’s been a long time since i felt like this. but I have to tell you, but you already know, I’m a man”. At this point he dropped everything and promptly bolted and has been avoiding her at work, although she tries to approach him.

Now the problem, he still likes her/him, alot, from the way he said it he sounded like he was going to say love, but he can’t deal with it mentally, can’t avoid her forever, he has to make up his mind what does he do? (the girl in question is transvestite not transexual) So where does he stand what should he do, how are good ways to approch the situation?

Let me add, I’ve met her several times, she really is great personality and looks and i don’t think anyone of our freinds knew (or knows except for me) that she was a he. It was just something that never came up, no assumptions, no one could tell.

 

[Yerusalyim]

It’s called, “Let’s Just Be Friends”

 

[Leopard]

…(the girl in question is transvestite not transexual)…

Can you clarify what you mean here? Is this transvestite(?) a woman who prefers to think of herself as a man, or a man who prefers to dress and apparently otherwise present himself as a woman? If the latter, then this person is a man and should not be refered to as a girl or “she”.

 

[Abbadon]

Can you clarify what you mean here? Is this transvestite(?) a woman who prefers to think of herself as a man, or a man who prefers to dress and apparently otherwise present himself as a woman? If the latter, then this person is a man and should not be refered to as a girl or “she”.

Sorry just really used to refering to him as her, he presents himself as a woman. But is male.

 

[Pete_1]

It is most probable that he is attracted to the image of a woman. People can be attracted to pictures in newspapers, or paintings, The feelings may not mean that he is attacted to the person, just the sham image of a woman that this person is pretending to be, this does not mean that he is homosexual.

If he was a Christian tell him that it would be a mortal sin to engage in this relationship.

Chastity and homosexuality
2357 Homosexuality refers to relations between men or between women who experience an exclusive or predominant sexual attraction toward persons of the same sex. It has taken a great variety of forms through the centuries and in different cultures. Its psychological genesis remains largely unexplained. Basing itself on Sacred Scripture, which presents homosexual acts as acts of grave depravity,141 tradition has always declared that "homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered."142 They are contrary to the natural law. They close the sexual act to the gift of life. They do not proceed from a genuine affective and sexual complementarity. Under no circumstances can they be approved.
2358 The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. This inclination, which is objectively disordered, constitutes for most of them a trial. They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfill God’s will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord’s Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition.
2359 Homosexual persons are called to chastity. By the virtues of self-mastery that teach them inner freedom, at times by the support of disinterested friendship, by prayer and sacramental grace, they can and should gradually and resolutely approach Christian perfection.

 

[CindiA]

Please forgive me… I know this has nothing to do with the original subject, but I was just wondering how you got your name Abbadon? It’s an interesting name.

 

[Abbadon]

Please forgive me… I know this has nothing to do with the original subject, but I was just wondering how you got your name Abbadon? It’s an interesting name.

It’s not my real name obviously, abbadon is the name given to fallen angels of death on a web comic called fallen

fallencomic.com/

it’s an awesome comic if the girl would actually finish it…I just like it…

And thanks for the responses, this is roughly what i said to him. But i should have a chat and see how it goes. I told him at the end of the day the decisions up to him where he takes it and it all depends on how he feels and if he’s willing to face teh consequences that will come with his decision.

 

[CarrieH]

You said that you didn’t know it, but did your friend know that this person was a transvestite when he started having feelings for him/her, or was this a surprise? If he did know and still let things go this far, maybe he has some issues that he needs to look at. But in any case, he needs to move on. Since they have to see each other at work, it would be nice if he can be polite and cordial with this person, but that doesn’t mean they have to get together outside of work anymore. If this person confronts him, he needs to tell him/her that he cares about them as a fellow human being, but that’s it, and it’s over. He will get over it, even though it’s not easy right now. In that regard, it’s not much different than if anyone had a crush on an opposite-sex coworker and it didn’t work out – you just go about your own business and avoid them as much as possible. Eventually the whole thing will blow over, but it’s kinda hard during the first few weeks. Tell him to hang in there and do the right thing. Bless you for being a caring friend.

 

[Abbadon]

You said that you didn’t know it, but did your friend know that this person was a transvestite when he started having feelings for him/her, or was this a surprise? If he did know and still let things go this far, maybe he has some issues that he needs to look at. But in any case, he needs to move on. Since they have to see each other at work, it would be nice if he can be polite and cordial with this person, but that doesn’t mean they have to get together outside of work anymore. If this person confronts him, he needs to tell him/her that he cares about them as a fellow human being, but that’s it, and it’s over. He will get over it, even though it’s not easy right now. In that regard, it’s not much different than if anyone had a crush on an opposite-sex coworker and it didn’t work out – you just go about your own business and avoid them as much as possible. Eventually the whole thing will blow over, but it’s kinda hard during the first few weeks. Tell him to hang in there and do the right thing. Bless you for being a caring friend.

That is the best advice ever, i practically going to repeat you word for word…

 

[CarrieH]

Thanks – I’m glad to help. :hug1: I hope your conversation goes well. God bless,
CarrieH

 

[Mirdath]

You said that you didn’t know it, but did your friend know that this person was a transvestite when he started having feelings for him/her, or was this a surprise? If he did know and still let things go this far, maybe he has some issues that he needs to look at. But in any case, he needs to move on. Since they have to see each other at work, it would be nice if he can be polite and cordial with this person, but that doesn’t mean they have to get together outside of work anymore. If this person confronts him, he needs to tell him/her that he cares about them as a fellow human being, but that’s it, and it’s over. He will get over it, even though it’s not easy right now. In that regard, it’s not much different than if anyone had a crush on an opposite-sex coworker and it didn’t work out – you just go about your own business and avoid them as much as possible. Eventually the whole thing will blow over, but it’s kinda hard during the first few weeks. Tell him to hang in there and do the right thing. Bless you for being a caring friend.

:clapping:

Also, Abaddon, you may or may not know it, but that’s the name of the angel of the abyss in Revelation.

 

[pathia]

Now the problem, he still likes her/him, alot, from the way he said it he sounded like he was going to say love, but he can’t deal with it mentally, can’t avoid her forever, he has to make up his mind what does he do? (the girl in question is transvestite not transexual) So where does he stand what should he do, how are good ways to approch the situation?

Let me add, I’ve met her several times, she really is great personality and looks and i don’t think anyone of our freinds knew (or knows except for me) that she was a he. It was just something that never came up, no assumptions, no one could tell.

I’m confused by your using of words or rather his/her use of the word. Transvestites have a paraphilia for dressing up in opposite gendered clothing and are pretty much always always straight, it’s most often something married men struggle with in private.

This doesn’t sound like this individual. Transvestites don’t often ever actually LOOK like the other gender, they look like a man in a dress etc.

 

[puzzleannie]

the best argument I have ever heard for never trying to initiate romantic relationships with people at work. there is no such thing as have a transvestite lover. the only legitimate relationship where love can be expressed sexually is valid marriage, and such a person as long as this disorder persists cannot contract a valid marriage.

 

[Abbadon]

:clapping:

Also, Abaddon, you may or may not know it, but that’s the name of the angel of the abyss in Revelation.

Sweetness… Even cooler, and actually makes alot of sense

 

[anticipation]

It is most probable that he is attracted to the image of a woman. People can be attracted to pictures in newspapers, or paintings, The feelings may not mean that he is attacted to the person, just the sham image of a woman that this person is pretending to be, this does not mean that he is homosexual.

If he was a Christian tell him that it would be a mortal sin to engage in this relationship.

Chastity and homosexuality
2357 Homosexuality refers to relations between men or between women who experience an exclusive or predominant sexual attraction toward persons of the same sex. It has taken a great variety of forms through the centuries and in different cultures. Its psychological genesis remains largely unexplained. Basing itself on Sacred Scripture, which presents homosexual acts as acts of grave depravity,141 tradition has always declared that "homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered."142 They are contrary to the natural law. They close the sexual act to the gift of life. They do not proceed from a genuine affective and sexual complementarity. Under no circumstances can they be approved.
2358 The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. This inclination, which is objectively disordered, constitutes for most of them a trial. They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfill God’s will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord’s Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition.
2359 Homosexual persons are called to chastity. By the virtues of self-mastery that teach them inner freedom, at times by the support of disinterested friendship, by prayer and sacramental grace, they can and should gradually and resolutely approach Christian perfection.

Hi, where do these passages come from?

anticipation.

 

[Woodstock]

Hi, where do these passages come from?

anticipation.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church.

 

[chicago]

I’m confused by your using of words or rather his/her use of the word. Transvestites have a paraphilia for dressing up in opposite gendered clothing and are pretty much always always straight, it’s most often something married men struggle with in private.

This doesn’t sound like this individual. Transvestites don’t often ever actually LOOK like the other gender, they look like a man in a dress etc.

I’m going to second these thoughts.

When dealing with persons in these scenarios, there are a lot of confusing language references which get thrown around. And different people like to employ them differently, even arguing about what is appropriate.

In any case, “transvestite” typically refers to a man who thinks of himself as a man but likes to dress up (often either poorly or, if well, than most likely in an overly dramatic “drag queen” or “female impersonator” fashion.) The term “transvestite” is also frequently used to connotate the use of such dressing for sexual reasons.

The person in question could, possibly, be a full time “crossdresser”, who identifies himself more as a man but likes to pose and live as a woman. More frequently, however, when this is the case on such an intense basis, the person will ultimately move more towards identifying as a female and start thinking of oneself as a “transexual” (preoperative or nonoperative.) Crossdressers vary in experience and presentation as a female from gaudy to very well refined, everyday, and normal undistinguishible from any other gal.

In any case, it would seem that what is being dealt with is something of the latter types, however the person actually identifies and presents. Especially if the person is working full time as such in this environment, s/he would likely not be a “transvestite” alone.

The result for your friend is the same with either transvestite or classy crossdresser. It’s he on he and out of the question.

When we get to transexuals, it is likely the same situation if this is truly a man who is just phychologically confused.

There is the possibility of the person being intersexed, which would open up the door to dealing with the matter on a distinct level. But if this is the case, she would have a long road ahead of coming to terms with her situation first, which would make any relationship rough. From your description, it does not sound like this is likely the place from which she is approaching matters at this time, however.

I suppose what is most appropriate is for your friend to have a kind conversation with her. He might explain that he, actually, did not realize that she was a he and this shocked him. I imagine that what he was attracted to, indeed, was the image but was it a true image and representation of what this person is? Can he “love” that person in a way that is so different than what he perceived. He may well, and understandably, be feeling deceived and confused about the situation, what to do, and what is really going on in his heart and her mind.

I do think that however s/he defines and thinks of “herself”, this remains a human person with real feelings and experiences which shouldn’t be ignored in justice. I believe it reasonable for them to have a conversation about the matter and then separate from the “relationship” amicibly, if necessary, but with understanding rather than simple hurt feelings and standoffishness on both sides. As it stands, it probably won’t enable either of them any real sense of peaceable closure, but just a nagging feeling awkward and hurt.