A Troubling Teenage Catholic's Situation

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Antonius_Lupus

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Dear brothers and sisters,

Forgive me for this, but it is an unexpected and worrisome issue. I will be as brutally honest as I can for I am seeking the most clear answer possible.

My family and I went to Orlando for a vacatin and the typical dysfunction inherent in between family members became very evident. In one instance I, frustrated and tired, began to yell at my dad and other family members. I was totally over the edge and I said: “What is there to lose? Why shouldn’t I just throw myself off the balcony or slit my wrists and be rid of it.” (or something to that effect). As far as I can remember, I had no real intention of committing a suicidal action. Rather, I believe I was simply trying to verbally “strike back” at my father for a perceived slight. To do this I made the statements recounted above.

After several days, when we got home on Thursday, I was determined (among other sins I was sure were mortal) to confess these two suicidal statements I made. On Friday morning I went to a local priest and a somewhat regular confessor of mine, with the intention to confess this. While in confession, I was very worried about what the priest would think about these suicidal statements. Never-the-less I did manage to confess making the “jump off a balcony” statement. However when it came to my statement about slitting the wrist (a clear suicidal action) I opted instead to say “cut myself.” As far as I can remember I never corrected this. I do know, however, that I must have mentioned making suicidal statements because I remember well when I assured the priest that I had no intention of committing suicide.

This lead to another issue however. I told the priest that I was doing it to get attention…later reflection after the confession made me think that I was using the statements to “get back” at my parents.

Despite all this, during the sacrament and even after absolution, I did not have a present knowledge that I had hid anything from the priest. It was only about and hour or two afterword when I was suddenly struck with the fear that I had hid something from the priest.

My fear was that I had somehow been dishonest in confession by saying “cut myself” rather than the more clear idea of “slitting the wrist.” Further reflection did seem to bear out that I said “cut myself” because (on the spur of the moment) I simply wasnt’ able to look the priest in the eye and recount the more specific statement. This fear was relieved when I remembered that I had mentioned to the priest that I had made suicidal statements…but even this relief was quickly swallowed by the fear that I had not been honest by saying I was doing it to get attention rather than the more accurate belief that came with later reflection which held that I had said these statements in order to “get back” verbally.

There are a few ways I can see that could help me to resolve this fear and worry:
  1. The knowledge that making suicidal statements to verbally strike at one’s parents is not grave matter anyway.
  2. The fact that I am not (even now) certain that I have even committed a mortal sin by not being more specific about the statements I had made when I was in confession. After all, I know I did mention making suicidal statements even if I had not explained a more correct explanation to why I had mentioned them.
  3. The fact that I cannot remember whether or not I was aware of committing a mortal sin when I actually made the statements to my parents.
It all seems very silly now that I have taken the time to write it out. In that light, I have a tentative conclusion which I was hoping y’all could either confirm or critique.

My conclusion is that since I am not (and was not) sure that making the statements to my parents was grave matter, then I had not committed a mortal sin in the first place. This would mean that there was never any obligation to confess the statements to the priest anyway.

I am hoping y’all can help me with this,

-Anthony John
 
Anthony, I think that there’s a good chance your conscience is telling you something here. Otherwise this wouldn’t be such an issue. When in doubt, go ahead and confess the truth to the priest and he can decide if it’s grave matter or not. Either way, you’ll have done the right thing. God bless 🙂
 
It appears to me you confessed the facts of the situation and the insight you had at the time. You said you weren’t actually planning to kill yourself so there was no suicide attempt, just a threat to upset your parents. You say that during and immediately following the absolution you had no feeling you had hid anything from the priest. So your confession was a good one. You were totally forgiven. You don’t need to re-confess anything.

This kind of second guessing yourself which began about an hour later may well be an attack of Satan to disturb your peace of mind. Really, the priest had all the information he needed about your sins. Also, IMHO, these probably were not mortal sins. Anyway, they were confessed and forgiven.
 
Hi Anthony, I can relate. I experienced and did similar things for many years in my late teens to early twenties.

“1. The knowledge that making suicidal statements to verbally strike at one’s parents is not grave matter anyway.”

I guess it would depend on the disposition of your parents. How bad would the emotional or spiritual injury be to them (what if it caused them to become suicidal for instance?). Plus, sins against parents can be especially serious because of the special bond between parent and child (I learned this at a Fathers of Mercy mission).

“2. The fact that I am not (even now) certain that I have even committed a mortal sin by not being more specific about the statements I had made when I was in confession. After all, I know I did mention making suicidal statements even if I had not explained a more correct explanation to why I had mentioned them.”

It is possible that you can be scrupulous but at the same time considering the aforementioned, I think it might help your peace if you simply went to confession again and as simply as possible explain your situation. It could also be possible that like any of us could have, you may not have examined your conscience as thoroughly as you could have. Again, anyone could be capable of this.

“3. The fact that I cannot remember whether or not I was aware of committing a mortal sin when I actually made the statements to my parents.”

A mortal sin is committed when it is grave matter and you know it and you do it anyway. I personally think it is likely that the confession was a good one but I have been in similar confession situations often and I think it would not hurt to go again. I think you would gain peace.

I remember a priest using an example of how if you commit a mortal sin 5-6 times and knowingly confess that you committed it 4-5 times, that it may still be a good confession, but that it is dangerous to “play” with the sacrament. I’m not saying that’s what you did, but I thought it was also good to reflect on this too.

God Bless.
 
Some red flags:
  1. Making suicidal statements when you “don’t mean them”. This is like making statements about asking for a divorce when you “don’t mean it.” This is not just wrong because it is hurtful to the people you hurl these words at. It is wrong because it gives these thoughts a small piece of real estate in your mind.
    When the day comes when your life really is incredibly difficult and you are navigating on faith alone, those statements will be waiting in your mind, part of the devil’s arsenal. It is like doing your flight training with the thought that sometimes the instruments are wrong. What effect will that have on the day you are flying on instruments alone? Will you trust your instruments, or your easily-fooled human senses?
    Do not take this lightly. Spend a LOT of time rehearsing how precious your life is and how you will never take such a statement lightly, either when made by yourself or others. It may literally save a life.
  2. Letting shame stop you from confessing your sins and struggles honestly. This is also a very dangerous habit. For what is going to happen when you have done something that really is shameful? The devil again will have a habit of your mind on his side. Furthermore, if you cannot accept that God loves you no matter what, you won’t be able to accept that God loves others no matter what. You’ll have a little of that prideful Pharisee’s mindset growing unexamined in your mind: “Lord, thank you for not making me like other men…”
These are the little habits of mind that the evil one uses to set us up for mortal sin that we will be unable or unwilling to confess. In other words, they are a deadly trap, set by someone who is of a mind to spring it on you. Don’t fall for them. Instead, reserve every inch of the real estate of your mind for the mind of Christ.

Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t be ashamed. I don’t mean to repudiate you. I mean to caution you to make it a habit to thoroughly repudiate these habits of thought, while they are still small. Take this task seriously, and expect it to be an on-going one. If you do not, you many live to regret it. Also, do not be discouraged if these fundamental temptations are tried on you again and again. One of the devil’s most common tactics is to wear us down by attrition. Pray for the grace of perseverance.

Also, ask the priest for guidance in dealing with your family’s “dysfunction”. Every family has it, but that doesn’t mean it is not crippling to formation of conscience and growth in the Spirit. Seek outside help if you need to, but don’t let those dogs sleep undisturbed, either. God has plans for you. Now is the time to ready yourself for them.
 
Anthony, talk to your priest about the possibility that you tend towards scrupulosity. Scrupulosity is a condition where people are constantly in fear of committing mortal sins.

That seems to be what you are conveying here-- that you are convinced you are committing mortal sins frequently, and even confessing them inadequately.

Please talk to your priest about this.
 
Hi Anthony,
One thing I think you should consider – is lashing out with threats to your parents is really the way to treat your parents? I see this quite a lot with the young adults and teenagers in my family and it is viewed as disrespectful.

The 4th Commandment says to Honor your Mother and Father. If you are old enough to discern that what you did and said needed to be confessed, then you are old enough to think about what you say and try to stop yourself from being ugly to them.

I will pray for the Holy Spirit to touch your heart and bless you with His gifts.

Blessings,
 
Your confession was valid. Don’t doubt God’s mercy.

You say that “It was only about and hour or two afterword when I was suddenly struck with the fear that I had hid something from the priest.” That is simply a temptation to doubt your confession. Don’t yield to it. It may or may not be an indication of incipient scrupulosity.

Keep praying.
 
If confessing eye to eye makes it difficult for you to make a good confession why not make your confession from behind the screen anonymously?

Personally it sounds like your confession was fine but mentioning it at your next confession won’t do any harm.
 
Anthony, wow you sound a lot like me…lol! I go to confession, then I second guess myself, worry about being unclear with the priest etc, …I think at some point, it is pretty important to really trust in God’s mercy 🙂

if this is bothering your conscience, what I’d do, is I’d just go and talk to the priest about it. Just tell him the whole situation, and leave it in his hands.

I wanted to also say about confession general… remember that when you go there, you’re talking to Christ. He’s hidden, you can only see the priest, but He’s there. Don’t worry about what the priest would think, just say your sins in such a way as if you were talking to God. As St Faustina said, reveal your whole misery to His representative. But…also trust in God’s mercy. The more you trust, the more graces you will receive through this Sacrament. (this idea is from Divine Mercy in My Soul)

I’ve confessed some truly horrible things, especially in my first Confession, and the priest doesn’t treat me any different! 🙂 remember, you are there speaking to Christ Himself. He knows your heart and your intentions.

God bless
 
Peace and blessings on you, Anthony.
In the context of hearing you say “jump off the balcony”, hearing the threat “cut yourself” becomes clear enough for the priest to make a good judgement for your absolution.

I would also suggest you have a “conflict resolution” talk with you parents. It won’t be pleasant, but it may be necessary.
 
Well, I am still troubled about this situation.

After speaking about this with my mentor, a Latin-rite deacon, I found that his conclusion was that this was another episode of my usual scrupulosity. He also attributes it to diabolical activity meant to distract me from more productive activities in my spiritual life.

Even still there is one thing that still bothers me. While I cannot remember shortly before, during, and after absolution an awareness that I had hid something from the priest he needed to know…I still cannot remember whether at the moment when I chose to be less specific if I knowingly was less specific out of pride.

After talking with the Lord about it, I felt more in line towards simply trusting and doing what I am taught to do: live as if there was no doubt. However this issue still bothers me. My access to a priest to discuss this is limited if not even present, at least before I have to make the decision about going to Communion tommorow morning.

I seek the certainty that I am able to blamelessly partake of the Body and Blood of the Lord…however, I feel as though my uncertainty about whether I have done something wrong keeps me from the Lord’s altar and table.

My biggest fear, ultimately, is that if I simply “let go” of this uncertainty and fear, then I will always have this possible sin on my soul, thereby defiling future Holy Communions and keeping me from my Master’s joy.

Yet, given my experiences with the Lord already, all signs seem to be pointing towards letting go and trusting.

But it is still the scariest thing!!
 
Antonius_Lupus said:
…I still cannot remember whether at the moment when I chose to be less specific if I knowingly was less specific out of pride.
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But even if I had chosen to be less specific because I was trying to hide, would I have done anything wrong? After all, I wasn’t sure (I still am not!) whether this is terrible and shameful incident of teenage stupidity is a mortal sin or not!!
 
Antonius_Lupus said:
But even if I had chosen to be less specific because I was trying to hide, would I have done anything wrong? After all, I wasn’t sure (I still am not!) whether this is terrible and shameful incident of teenage stupidity is a mortal sin or not!!
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Again…in my judgement if you are in this much conflict over the sin, and your conscience keeps going back and forth over it, then you should talk to a priest about it. He will decide if it’s a mortal sin or not, and give you absolution, and perhaps can counsel you on scrupulosity if necessary. God bless.
 
Antonius_Lupus said:
Well, I am still troubled about this situation.

After speaking about this with my mentor, a Latin-rite deacon, I found that his conclusion was that this was another episode of my usual scrupulosity. He also attributes it to diabolical activity meant to distract me from more productive activities in my spiritual life.

Even still there is one thing that still bothers me. While I cannot remember shortly before, during, and after absolution an awareness that I had hid something from the priest he needed to know…I still cannot remember whether at the moment when I chose to be less specific if I knowingly was less specific out of pride.

After talking with the Lord about it, I felt more in line towards simply trusting and doing what I am taught to do: live as if there was no doubt. However this issue still bothers me. My access to a priest to discuss this is limited if not even present, at least before I have to make the decision about going to Communion tommorow morning.

I seek the certainty that I am able to blamelessly partake of the Body and Blood of the Lord…however, I feel as though my uncertainty about whether I have done something wrong keeps me from the Lord’s altar and table.

My biggest fear, ultimately, is that if I simply “let go” of this uncertainty and fear, then I will always have this possible sin on my soul, thereby defiling future Holy Communions and keeping me from my Master’s joy.

Yet, given my experiences with the Lord already, all signs seem to be pointing towards letting go and trusting.

But it is still the scariest thing!!
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If you have honestly done your best to confess all mortal sin, you are absolved, and that is it.

You cannot commit a sacriledge against the Sacrament of the Eucharist by believing what the Church teaches about the Sacrament of Reconciliation! So consider that this may not be a problem of excessive ardor towards the Eucharist, but of insufficient trust in the true power of the Church to forgive sin. When “once” is the command, it is not good to strike the rock twice.

Also, consider the prayer, “Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.” We are not meant to try to put ourselves beyond the need for mercy. This is impossible. We are sustained in every moment by grace we must cooperate with, but that we don’t merit. Get used to that. Rejoice in that…you are a sinner without any power of your own to do good, but God is always there to hold you up and fill you with every good thing.

Finally, consider that the Church teaches that the Eucharist wipes away venial sin. This means that it is expected that we come to the Eucharist in some need of healing. We come with faults and sins. If we open ourselves to this inescapable fact, then we will not fear to approach the Lord. We will not look askance at anyone else who approaches, either, but will be ready to be made One Body in Christ with each one.

Read the Church’s documents on the Eucharist. You will find that the Sacraments of Eucharist and Reconcilliaion are fully and beautifully complementary. Both work together to form us and fill us with grace.
 
I think that my major problem is one of feeling. For much of my brief life as a practicing Catholic, I have relied on the sacrament of reconciliation for the assurance of being “clean.” What bothers me right now is a feeling of uncertainty that I am not clean…that I am somehow not worthy to take communion and that by doing so it is going to cause me damnation.

It all sounds silly doesn’t it? Logically I have looked back on this situation and everything looks like I am clean before God. Yet when I went to communion yesterday I felt as though I was eating to my own death. I, of course, did not go to communion with a sure knowledge of having committed a grave sin…but the feeling did not go away.

The only real peace I got was last night in prayer. I begged God to give me the grace of entrustment and faith. I figure that if I draw close to God, I will be free from this doubt.

I hate this, I now realize just how much a blessing the past year has been when I could go to communion without the feeling of doubt that I was unclean. Now I worry that I may have some uncertain sin on my soul and I am therefore never going to be able to live the full Christian life with a clear feeling conscience.

It really bothers me…the feeling that my conscience is not clear.

Yet before I believed and had faith in the power of Reconciliation. Why now I am so fearful that I am in sin?!

I really hate this. I hate my sins now, because of what they do to me.

I feel like I know what I have to do, but I am afraid to do it. I feel like I know I have to simply let go of this. I have to trust in Jesus that He has done what He promises to do. I have to have faith and trust that it was a valid confession since that is what the situation seems to suggest.

But I am afraid to do this because I will be letting go of this situation.

What if I let go without ever resolving this? What if I have a grave sin on my soul and still try to live the Christian sacraments and therefore bring further condemnation on myself?

What if I am decieved and I am somehow in mortal sin and by letting go I am condemning myself?

It, ultimately, is the fear of letting go that bothers me.
 
Antonius_Lupus said:
Thank you. I have already studied SA website but I would greatly desire to get their book. Unfortunately here is when the “broke college student” thing comes into play. :rolleyes:

But thanks. 🙂
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Hi Antonius,
You mentioned that you talked to your mentor, a deacon, about this. This is good. I think you need to talk to him again and follow his advice. Talk to your confessor about it too. Obey him completely.
 
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