A True Marriage

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J.W.B

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Can a true marriage ever really be broken? If two people TRULY love one another how can there ever be divorce? Perhaps the marriage never really existed? I just cannot understand how two people can make promises then in the future break them and go to another woman or man. Perhaps their promises were never sincere, because if they were, divorce should not even exsist.
 
Before I got married, I was lucky enough to hear the counsel of a man who had been happily married for eight years at the time.

He said the key to a long marriage is to make the decision that it will be. Divorce is not an option. My wife and I loved the idea, and immediately adopted it.

What this did was it gave us something to go back on when times got rough. Just when satan tempted us to split up, we found that if we remembered our agreed-upon decision we were able to put the splitting up out of our mind. With that out of the way, and the agreement that neither of us likes to see the other unhappy, we actually find we can think of more ideas now that we are focused within the boundary conditions.

Every case is individual, so I’m not claiming anyone else should think this way, or that thinking this way will save a marriage in any given situation. Works for us. We have six beautiful children (8-18) and a great life, albeit full of challenges – luckily not any serious medical ones anyway.

Alan
 
Alan–that’s pretty much what my mom told me before I got married. If you decide it will work, it will. She said that in every marriage, at some point, each partner will want out. You just have to work through that, remember why you’re together, and get through the tough time. I’ve only been married 2 and a half years and we’ve had some very challenging things happen and I couldn’t imagine not being married!
 
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AlanFromWichita:
He said the key to a long marriage is to make the decision that it will be.
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And that’s exactly what the marriage vows state: a vow of permanence. (I exclude, of course, any homemade vows–just those that are a part of the sacrament.) The couple states their decision and intention to remain together till death. All that’s required is to take the vows seriously.
 
I think one major problem so many couples run into is the fact that we are taught by our society that love is a feeling. So when you ask, “If two people truly love each other how can there be divorce?” you are hitting the bullseye more than you know. The key is that true love is laying the self down for the other person. It is surrendering all selfish desire and pursuit in the name of charity. It has virtually nothing to do with the “butterflies” we get with the onset of a new romance. Those feelings, rapturous though they be, do not last long. When they are gone, a couple has to learn what it really means to love.
 
J.W.B.:
Can a true marriage ever really be broken? If two people TRULY love one another how can there ever be divorce? Perhaps the marriage never really existed? I just cannot understand how two people can make promises then in the future break them and go to another woman or man. Perhaps their promises were never sincere, because if they were, divorce should not even exsist.
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One other thing I can think of, is that people are sincere when they took their vows, but for one reason or another were not prepared to weather the inevitable storms. For that matter, there might have been “special” storms that most other people didn’t experience, but then that’s true for practically anybody. We each have our own cross and have no way to judge another’s difficulty with theirs.

I am hardly an expert at this, so for the most part I’m just making up stuff. Of course, this is also not an indictment of any particular person because who really knows what is going on in the mind of a couple? Other times there are extreme situations which I’m not addressing directly. (I’m not sure if you intended them to be part of your question.)

There is one thing I can say for sure; the instant I seriously considered divorce during a rough time, it was really weird. It’s as if there was no other plan worth even considering. I almost “felt” the walls closing in, precluding any alternative other than escape… It’s like that exit door is so enticing because it will be perceived to fix whatever problem we’re having at the moment, while also being scary because it means a broken promise and a trip straight into the unknown.

Then I got a grip and reminded myself that she really does love me and this issue is not impossible, and that any way divorce or separation is not an option. She never wanted me to be miserable – it just seemed like it there for a moment by the way she was acting… at least in my limited view. As soon as I did that, then, snap! My hope was restored and I was able to use my mind to think of solutions rather than escape routes.

Perhaps escape routes seemed simpler and more certain than solutions in place. Funny thing is now that I actually have come to enjoy dealing with issues because each time I think she is slighting me I already know she does not mean to, and when we discuss it lovingly and assertively I learn something new about the way this beautiful creature thinks. That’s the biggest challenge I have, is dealing with intimacy with someone who thinks differently than I do.

Alan
 
In short, a “true marriage” can never be broken. Some may try, but that is ultimately the Church’s teaching regarding an act of nullity which bluntly means that in the eyes of the Church, a true marriage never existed and couldn’t be true (in order to be judged true or false, the object must exist first). surf(name removed by moderator)ure brought up a good point of “Love as a feelin” in which I heard priest a couple of weeks ago who is studying in the US from the Phillipines say that if Love was a feeling, he wouldn’t be here. Charity demands action in complete self-giving.

With the divorce rates of people in their 20s ranging around 50%, anyone can tell the couples do not understand the basics of Love and sacrafice or the commitment made. I would hazard to say that many getting married today don’t understand their vows or the Sacrament they are sharing in. I believe the whole option fosters the idea of “well if this doesn’t work or we can’t “correct” this, we can always get divorced”. I can’t imagine how heartbreaking that must be to hear from spouses. I leave in God’s hands and the Church to determine where true marriages exist, but in a sense, they are probably as rare as thought sadly. :o Thanks and God Bless.
 
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slinky1882:
In short, a “true marriage” can never be broken. Some may try, but that is ultimately the Church’s teaching regarding an act of nullity which bluntly means that in the eyes of the Church, a true marriage never existed and couldn’t be true (in order to be judged true or false, the object must exist first). surf(name removed by moderator)ure brought up a good point of “Love as a feelin” in which I heard priest a couple of weeks ago who is studying in the US from the Phillipines say that if Love was a feeling, he wouldn’t be here. Charity demands action in complete self-giving.

With the divorce rates of people in their 20s ranging around 50%, anyone can tell the couples do not understand the basics of Love and sacrafice or the commitment made. I would hazard to say that many getting married today don’t understand their vows or the Sacrament they are sharing in. I believe the whole option fosters the idea of “well if this doesn’t work or we can’t “correct” this, we can always get divorced”. I can’t imagine how heartbreaking that must be to hear from spouses. I leave in God’s hands and the Church to determine where true marriages exist, but in a sense, they are probably as rare as thought sadly. :o Thanks and God Bless.
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👍

Love is not a feeling, thank God!
 
Some people have suggested that all divorced persons should be granted annulments on the grounds that the divorce itself proves that the original marriage wasn’t valid.

Pope John Paul II repeatedly shot this idea down in his annual speeches to the Roman Rota.
 
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vegpotter:
Alan–that’s pretty much what my mom told me before I got married. If you decide it will work, it will. She said that in every marriage, at some point, each partner will want out. You just have to work through that, remember why you’re together, and get through the tough time. I’ve only been married 2 and a half years and we’ve had some very challenging things happen and I couldn’t imagine not being married!
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Sometimes both will want out at the same time. It’s not about “loving” feelings, it’s about will. You made a promise and, with or without God’s help, you keep it. I say, “with or without” because when you are at dirt-bottom in a marriage, you feel so far from God that you cannot even imagine that he is still with you in the struggle.

Been there. Done that. Twenty years of it: WORTH the wait! “You have kept the good wine until now.” (Jn 2:10)
 
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