A Very Confused Young Man

[Pilgrimage]

I have recently had a conversation with a young man who had been seeking someone to talk with for quite a while. His mother died of cancer whilst he was in his teens, but unfortunately just before she died she inadvertently walked in on him while he was watching something he shouldn’t have been watching. He feels that she may have been stood there for quite some time watching him. She apparently took him aside and told him that exploring his sexuality was a normal process and that she still loved him regardless, and then she gave him a cuddle.

However, now he is older and his sexuality is becoming an issue for him he is finding himself crying all the time. He has embarked on a sexual relationship with another young man where he is staying. He can’t stop thinking about his mother during the process which is causing him to cry, but also he says it comforts him. He’s constantly crying about it at other times because he feels so ashamed of himself and his relationship with the other young man, but feels he can’t stop because he loved his mother so much and it brings back memories of her telling him that she loved him

He is away from home at a foreign university, extremely lonely and has no one to talk to. His father won’t or can’t speak to him about these things. He’s too embarrassed and ashamed to go to a local priest because of his thoughts, and because he can’t believe anyone else could be thinking such terrible thoughts.

On top of this he is following a course in a career that his father is very successful in, so he has academic pressures on him to do well. He’s confused, lonely and feeling totally abnormal.

I have suggested that he cease all sexual activity right away. I am not certain that he is even sure of his sexuality; he certainly doesn’t know if he loves this other young man. He seems to recognise that it may be about missing his mother. He’s obviously mixed in his mind about his mother’s message to him saying that she loved him after discovering him watching this film. So loving memories of her are intertwined with his very confusing sex life now.

The poor boy took so long to tell me because he thought it would be too shocking for me to hear.

How has this happened, that he feels so guilty that he can’t go to a priest, seek counselling or have no-where to turn for nearly 5 years, at a time when he is grieving?

I have advised him to go and see a priest now. I have reassured him that his mother’s death has had a profound impact on him, and a situation that would normally have been blown away has escalated uncontrollably. Had she lived she may have nagged him to death over other things and he’d been fed up with her, but he’s missed this part of their relationship because she hasn’t been there.

I have told him that now he has spoken about it, it will be easier with his priest. (I pray it is)

Now, I pray that he finds the priest non-judgemental of his current situation long enough that the priest can suss out what I have discovered, namely the far deeper issues. I pray that he can start a journey of recovery free of this other young man and abnormal thoughts about his mother. I also pray that he has the strength to stop his sexual activity because he needs to go through the mourning process normally. I pray for courage for him to begin dealing with all his issues with his church and that they won’t let him down. I pray that he has the opportunity to get away from this other young man who may be manipulating the situation to suit himself. Finally, I pray for his father, who may be so lost in his own grief that he hasn’t seen his son’s distress.

I am sad that his lack of confidence in the C C and the belief that they wouldn’t understand has left him in such deep despair; it’s not what God would want for any young man.

Please pray for him and that if he strikes up a conversation with me again at anytime that I have the right words to say to him and that he is not embarrassed by our prior conversation. Please also pray that his church, through Christ, can now begin to help un-weave the tangled up mess that he is in so that he can begin to heal be forgiven and forgive himself.

God bless

 

[jpjd]

I will certainly keep him in my prayers, but he may need more help than even a priest can provide. He may need professional counseling. He is lucky to have you as a confidante and I hope he continues to look to you for support and that you continue to give it to him.

 

[BobObob]

This man should probably see a professional (counselor or psychologist) for emotions regarding his mother and the loss of her.

Although this issue goes well beyond the competency of a priest, it would be good if he could open up to a priest about this issue so that he can have one more person to confide this very personal information in.

This young man, like many people who have same-sex attractions, don’t trust the CC because they feel (often rightly so) that if Catholics know that they have SSA or had a homosexual relationship will be judgmental, or at least be looked down on with disgust. You need to show him that this is NOT always the case by being a good friend and showing compassion for him. In case you’re a guy, being in a close (platonic) relationship with a man with SSA will NOT exacerbate his SSA. As long as it’s a healthy relationship, it can only help get rid of or cope with SSA.

If this man is Catholic, it would be good to see if there is a courage group in his area (www.couragerc.net). Courage could help him find others he could open up to.

You mentioned that his father hasn’t noticed his son’s distress. I’m guessing that his father (at least by this young man’s own perception) tends to be emotionally distant from, or critical of, him. This tends to be the case with a lot of men with SSA (there are exceptions). Many people with SSA also have more smothering mothers, which, if that was the case for this man, would have made his mothers death that much more of an emotional event on top of the things you mentioned. It is absolutely essential that he have, or develop, a close, affectionate relationship with his father in which he is shown unconditional love. It seems from what you said that his father tend to be more critical and shows conditional love (“if you don’t excel in the career I did, I don’t love you”).

Continue to encourage him to stop his sexual behavior, but continue to be a good friend regardless. I bet that if he was given solid emotional support, and sort out some of the emotions regarding his mothers death, that he would likely stop his relationship with other men. Many people in homosexual relationships are individuals who are hurting, and need (platonic) love.

Do recognize that there is a limit to how much you can help him.

I am somewhat uniquely qualified to answer this question because I have SSA and I have an extremely difficult time imagining other Catholics at my Catholic college wouldn’t judge me, or at least look down on me with disgust. I am able to say I have SSA here due to anonymity, with a Courage group, and with 1 counselor, but that’s it. If you want any more advice feel free to send me a PM.

 

[Pilgrimage]

Continue to encourage him to stop his sexual behavior, but continue to be a good friend regardless. I bet that if he was given solid emotional support, and sort out some of the emotions regarding his mothers death, that he would likely stop his relationship with other men.

Thank you for your encouraging answer and the link which I will pass on if we meet again. My concern is that his shame about the SSA stands in the way of the deeper issue regarding his mother. Yet the physical relationship is somehow reinforcing his emotional attachment to her memory.

You are right about his father I think, but he didn’t go too deep about his father’s relationship. How does a young man cope with disassociating a very intimate last few moments with his mother 5 years ago from his sex life today. He obviously knows it’s not good for him, because he has plucked up the courage to tell me.

I think that the issue goes beyond the competency of most people to be honest. He has issues unresolved of faith, abnormal thoughts about his mother and he may not even be homosexual given his thoughts about his mother.

My heart tells me that he would benefit from being in a more normal relationship with a mother figure now and then to be able to become angry with her.

I am CofE, so I don’t want to send him into a situation of condemnation, but I don’t know what is likely to be said to him if he does approach a priest.

I can’t imagine how a child gets over the death of a parent at the best of times, but to be suffering like this is terrible.

God bless you and I pray for your studies.

 

[BobObob]

A few more thoughts…

My concern is that his shame about the SSA stands in the way of the deeper issue regarding his mother. Yet the physical relationship is somehow reinforcing his emotional attachment to her memory.

I’m betting that a good psychologist would likely be able to properly draw out his emotions surrounding his mothers death in the course of psychotherapy.

I’m also guessing that the fact that he discovered his mother was watching made that episode more traumatic. Generally, trauma surrounding an event tends to strengthen any addicting element of that event (such as viewing porn).

Also, I’m wondering if he just needs friendly affection from other men in the form of touch. I know you said that he might not be homosexual, but for many men with SSA tactile deprivation (lack of non-sexual, friendly, and affirming touch) is very prevalent. For many of these men with SSA, a need for healthy affection in the form of touch is (usually unconsciously) driving their push to have sex with other men. For them, usually receiving affection from straight men in the form of touch (like in a brotherly hug for example) this really helps reduce their SSA. However, one man said:

“As a gay man, I’ve found it’s easier for me to get sex on the streets than to get a hug in church.”

How does a young man cope with disassociating a very intimate last few moments with his mother 5 years ago from his sex life today.

Even though mental health is one of my majors, I’m not exactly certain about this (I made a late switch to mental health last semester as a junior). I believe that in order for this to happen, the emotions surrounding these intimate last few minute with his mother need to surface. I believe a psychologist would do this during psychotherapy.

I’m guessing that his issue of unresolved faith will likely improve tremendously if goods friends (like yourself) affirm his faith as a Christian and his emotional issues are dealt with (with the help of a counselor or psychologist).

My heart tells me that he would benefit from being in a more normal relationship with a mother figure now and then to be able to become angry with her.

Perhaps that would be one way for those emotions to surface and run their course. A good psychologist could perhaps do something like this through role play. If it’s done with a psychologist, it would have the benefit of being controlled.

I am CofE, so I don’t want to send him into a situation of condemnation, but I don’t know what is likely to be said to him if he does approach a priest.

Just an idea, but perhaps talking to a priest can be done by arrangement. This way you could prepare the priest to listen to him with compassion and sensitivity by letting him know that what this man has to share is very personal, emotional, and serious. This would be important because I’m guessing this man is the type of person who is very sensitive.

Here are a couple videos that you may find relevant:

www.homosexuality101.com
youtube.com/watch?v=HFKWH4d4jsw

 

[phil8888]

The right priest is important, but they are out there. I had to meet with a priest, and I was nervous beforehand for fear of judgment, but when I actually met him, he was very non-judgmental.

 

[St_Gabriel]

Praying for this young man …

 

[Pilgrimage]

I am somewhat uniquely qualified to answer this question because I have SSA and I have an extremely difficult time imagining other Catholics at my Catholic college wouldn’t judge me, or at least look down on me with disgust. I am able to say I have SSA here due to anonymity, with a Courage group, and with 1 counselor, but that’s it. If you want any more advice feel free to send me a PM.

Hi,

Just thought I would let you know, I am still in conversation with the young man. He is trying hard to follow the no sex rule and he has finally conceded that his thoughts about his mother are not right, and that she had perhaps made a ‘mistake’. I have avoided suggesting that she has abused him psychologically with her own inappropriate suggestions etc, but he seems to be coming to that conclusion by himself now.

He’s also beginning to realise that it’s not healthy for him to use sex in this way to bring back thoughts about her, especially while he is in a relationship with another person. He’s beginning to get a little angry about his situation too, which I think is good. He’s starting to get cross that she is in his thoughts in this way.

He’s finding the no sex rule very difficult though. I still can’t convince him that a priest wouldn’t be shocked and would perhaps be able to help him over his feelings with prayer and distraction tactics. He said that he thought other boys weren’t having thoughts about sex so often. I explained to him that I’d heard a monk say that sexual urges were often tied in with being worried over something and the real solution was to deal with the problem then the urges go away.

To be honest, I am not sure how a priest might handle it (I’m CofE and don’t understand this male dominance thing), but I think his inability to be able to go to confession is ingrained in the greater problem. Maybe if he could just go once he might find the next time easier and so forth.

I am convinced that he is not sure of his sexuality, just terribly confused. It’s sad to think that he may be making a mistake that will add to his distress. He keeps asking me if I think his relationship with another boy is wrong. I have told him that it’s not for me to judge him, that it’s between him and God.

He’s beginning to understand that restraining himself sexually is about gaining power over his own body so that he can start to get his mind sorted out, and that it might take a very long time, possibly years. I think he originally thought I meant a few days.

Do you think a retreat away where he can talk in confidence and have the space to get angry about his mother’s part in all of this would help him? I feel space away from his relationship with this boy and the pressures of sex may help.

I also feel sad that the church, his mother, his father, his friends and everyone else in his life have let him down at such a distressing time.

What terrible complicated lives we weave.

God bless

 

[Pilgrimage]

A few more thoughts…

Hi,

just another update, and answer to prayers perhaps, the young man has finally picked up the courage to go to church and said that he had a great sense of peace come over him. He has decided that he will pick up the courage to go to confession now.

If you have been praying I want to say thank you and please continue to pray for him.

God bless

 

[BobObob]

It’s been a while since I’ve checked out this thread, but It’s great to hear of the progress he’s making. I’m sure he’ll likely have problems, to varying degrees, for quite some time, but it seems like he’s making the most foundational and important steps right now.

He’s finding the no sex rule very difficult though.

He’ll probably find this hard for a long time. An addiction to sex is one of the hardest to break.

One man with SSA said that he used to be tempted with impure thoughts every second of every day. He said that over the course of time it gradually got easier and easier. He still struggles occasionally with lust and masturbation, but a lot less than before. For the man you’re talking about, just be patient, not condemning, and affirming regarding chastity. Affirm his success regarding chastity (however little it may be).

He said that he thought other boys weren’t having thoughts about sex so often. I explained to him that I’d heard a monk say that sexual urges were often tied in with being worried over something and the real solution was to deal with the problem then the urges go away.

A lot of times, obsession with sex is due more to psychological reasons rather than hormones.

I found that I had fewer problems with sexual sin during the football season in high school. The reason why I think that was is because being “one of the guys” on the team let me soak in masculinity that I needed. I think my lack of internalized masculinity, as well as previous perceived rejection by male peers, had a lot to do with my SSA.

He keeps asking me if I think his relationship with another boy is wrong. I have told him that it’s not for me to judge him, that it’s between him and God.

Assuming that this is your view, you should tell him that you cannot judge him, but that IN YOUR HUMBLE OPINION sexual relations between men in sinful.

Saying that you think a type of action is a sin is not judging. Saying that person A is guilty for committing a certain sin would be judging though, because you would be making a judgment concerning what’s on their heart.

Basically, in the friendliest way possible, let him know about what types of things you think are sinful when he asks.

Do you think a retreat away where he can talk in confidence and have the space to get angry about his mother’s part in all of this would help him? I feel space away from his relationship with this boy and the pressures of sex may help.

I do think a retreat like this could help.

the young man has finally picked up the courage to go to church and said that he had a great sense of peace come over him. He has decided that he will pick up the courage to go to confession now.

I think I mentioned this before, but one thing that could perhaps really help is if you went “priest shopping” for him by visiting nearby Catholic parishes, and try to find a priest who seems like he would be very wise, compassionate, and understanding.

In doing this, you could let him know that after some searching you’ve found a good priest who would be more than willing to arrange to hear his confession, regardless of how long or shocking it may be. Also, this priest could also be his confessor and spiritual advisor later if he wanted to.

Several years ago, I heard an elderly priest say during a homily that there is not a single sin he hasn’t heard in confession. He said this very seriously, which means he’s heard things well beyond what this man has done, including thing like murder! Perhaps passing this information to this man would help him be a little more comfortable with going to confession.

Priests hear of sexual sins all the time in confession. I think they hear it so much that it is more of an annoyance to them than a shocking revelation to them.

Also, if it wouldn’t upset him to find out you started this thread, you can let him know that there are people on here who really care for him and are praying for him.

 

[Pilgrimage]

He’ll probably find this hard for a long time. An addiction to sex is one of the hardest to break.

Hi,

I am not sure that he is addicted to sex any more that other young men his age, more to fetching back, what he perceives to be, loving memories of his mother.

I found that I had fewer problems with sexual sin during the football season in high school. The reason why I think that was is because being “one of the guys” on the team let me soak in masculinity that I needed. I think my lack of internalized masculinity, as well as previous perceived rejection by male peers, had a lot to do with my SSA.

I am sorry that you have suffered so. Overcoming is loving your neighbours even more than yourself, opting into a love for others like Jesus has. I once heard a British presenter say that he was ashamed to be gay because of the gay scene and all it encompassed. That it led men into promiscuous behaviours, damaged society, was bad for their health, promoted overt behaviour and so forth.
Now, here’s the interesting thing, if you Google ‘BBC Kristian Digby dies’ you will see how he died!

Saying that you think a type of action is a sin is not judging. Saying that person A is guilty for committing a certain sin would be judging though, because you would be making a judgment concerning what’s on their heart.

Thank you for that

I think I mentioned this before, but one thing that could perhaps really help is if you went “priest shopping”

I can’t do this because he is in another country, I can only pray that The Lord will guide him as He did to me. I think that it’s his soul that is looking for a way out, and God is leading his journey. This really is a case of faith.

Several years ago, I heard an elderly priest say during a homily that there is not a single sin he hasn’t heard in confession. He said this very seriously, which means he’s heard things well beyond what this man has done, including thing like murder! Perhaps passing this information to this man would help him be a little more comfortable with going to confession.

Yes, I have already told him something like this, that he must remember that priests are used to hearing all kinds of things and that they aren’t shocked. (Although in my heart I think it ranks up amongst the quite shocking)

Also, if it wouldn’t upset him to find out you started this thread, you can let him know that there are people on here who really care for him and are praying for him.

I mulled it over for quite some time, I have only generalized and obviously I have heard a lot more to his story. To be honest I am most concerned that he finds his way back to God, before ‘he’ feels it’s too late for him and he gets pulled into a life style choice that hasn’t really been his choice at all. Therefore he needs prayers from people in his church as well as from me. I am not Catholic, but I care about his suffering like this, as any God fearing person would. He’s loved, but if he is to be loved, then those who love him have to pray for him, to pray they need to know.

I am grateful for your response and the depth of your understanding of these issues. Are you going into the priesthood?

Just, for example if you say you could be, would you disclose your SSA? Would it make any difference if priesthood means losing your sexuality and self for the greater good and service of others?

God bless

 

[Pilgrimage]

He’ll probably find this hard for a long time. An addiction to sex is one of the hardest to break.

Hi,

I am not sure that he is addicted to sex any more that other young men his age, more to fetching back, what he perceives to be, loving memories of his mother.

I found that I had fewer problems with sexual sin during the football season in high school. The reason why I think that was is because being “one of the guys” on the team let me soak in masculinity that I needed. I think my lack of internalized masculinity, as well as previous perceived rejection by male peers, had a lot to do with my SSA.

I am sorry that you have suffered so. Overcoming is loving your neighbours even more than yourself, opting into a love for others like Jesus has. I once heard a British presenter say that he was ashamed to be gay because of the gay scene and all it encompassed. That it led men into promiscuous behaviours, damaged society, was bad for their health, promoted overt behaviour and so forth.
Now, here’s the interesting thing, if you Google ‘BBC Kristian Digby dies’ you will see how he died!

Saying that you think a type of action is a sin is not judging. Saying that person A is guilty for committing a certain sin would be judging though, because you would be making a judgment concerning what’s on their heart.

Thank you for that

I think I mentioned this before, but one thing that could perhaps really help is if you went “priest shopping”

I can’t do this because he is in another country, I can only pray that The Lord will guide him as He did to me. I think that it’s his soul that is looking for a way out, and God is leading his journey. This really is a case of faith.

Several years ago, I heard an elderly priest say during a homily that there is not a single sin he hasn’t heard in confession. He said this very seriously, which means he’s heard things well beyond what this man has done, including thing like murder! Perhaps passing this information to this man would help him be a little more comfortable with going to confession.

Yes, I have already told him something like this, that he must remember that priests are used to hearing all kinds of things and that they aren’t shocked. (Although in my heart I think it ranks up amongst the quite shocking)

Also, if it wouldn’t upset him to find out you started this thread, you can let him know that there are people on here who really care for him and are praying for him.

I mulled it over for quite some time, I have only generalized and obviously I have heard a lot more to his story. To be honest I am most concerned that he finds his way back to God, before ‘he’ feels it’s too late for him and he gets pulled into a life style choice that hasn’t really been his choice at all. Therefore he needs prayers from people in his church as well as from me. I am not Catholic, but I care about his suffering like this, as any God fearing person would. He’s loved, but if he is to be loved, then those who love him have to pray for him, to pray they need to know.

I am grateful for your response and the depth of your understanding of these issues. Are you going into the priesthood?

Just, for example if you say you could be, would you disclose your SSA? Would it make any difference if priesthood means losing your sexuality and self for the greater good and service of others?

God bless

 

[Pilgrimage]

Hi Bob,

Another quick update, he’s thanked me and he is talking with a priest now, who sounds just the right person, an answer to prayers, praise God!

Thank you too
God bless