A very embarrassing question

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NotAlone33

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I promise I am not a troll nor am I making this thread for shock value…
I’m scared to talk about this with anyone who knows me in real life except in confession of course. I think people would just not look at me in the same way. I need some advice. Alright this is very embarrassing. I feel very ashamed of this. I am Catholic and I love our Lord Jesus very much. I love praying to Him and I want to please Him with everything and not sin. I would say that I am an informed Catholic and I know who Jesus is. Sometimes when I think about Him, I imagine being close to Him and being in His embrace. Often that just makes me love Him more but other times it causes impure feelings in me. I don’t always fight these feelings sometimes I allow them. I have even acted on these feelings by being impure with myself. This is what I am so ashamed of. I plan to say this in confession but I dont know how or in how much detail; should I just say I have been impure with myself or should I provide these extra details? I don’t know what to do I just want to cry. Why am I feeling this way about our Lord who is so pure? To clarify I am female. What is wrong with me? Please give me some advice on why this could be and what I can do. I just feel so very very bad. Thank you in advance.
 
First, I think it is a great idea to go to confession because this will help you more than any Internet forum can. I think you should provide the same details in your confession as in this forum.

I would suggest reading Theology of the Body. It gives a much broader explanation of sexuality than our society has, and as such it might help.

Also, I remember someone speaking about celibate clergy and how they channel their sexuality into creative outlets- you might wish to think about this when you have these feelings.

You have the feelings you have, and it is not a good idea to deny having them- it is only a question of what to do with them.
 
A priest,is best placed to help you.
But it is very important to fight the impure thoughts at which point they are just temptations put there by the devil and there is no sin.Once , however you begin to entertain the thoughts and even act on them, you have now crossed the line into consent and as such,sinful territory. Please pray.
 
Dear friend,there is nothing embarrassing a priest would not been told in Confession. It is good that You face this situation as You do. That means that You are ready and willing to do something about it. Here I can’t help You as I should,but please go and talk with Your priest. He will help You and give You the answers You need. I will pray for You my child,and I am absolutely sure that things will come to a closure that help You. God bless You.
 
The human mind is complex. All of us have strange, bizarre and sometimes tormented thoughts. God allows this, and if we push through them, it can help us grow in holiness to know that it can all be overcome - and not because we ignore them but because we give them to God and conquer them.

Your particular thoughts, as embarrassed as you feel, are not that scandalous to me, they just seem like they are a tad distorted. Even with other mere mortals, we often channel our need for affection and friendship into something sexual - that is also the place that our culture has trained us to bring all feelings of affinity to. That you are seeking Christ is a good thing; and if your mind is set to think that the ultimate closeness is something sexual, no wonder you might take it there. Remember, sex is nothing to be ashamed of. God made sex, don’t let the devil trick you into thinking it is something bad. Keep growing in closeness with Christ, read about the saints that were so passionately in love with Him and how they served him. There are channels for loving the Lord that are more powerful than the fleeting physical attractions you are experiencing.

BTW, just as a question to explore - do you have any in past family relationships that might be leading you to equate a parental/God figure with a sexual relationship? Sometimes rocky relationships with parents/fathers can effect the way we view God (though not always).
 
Don’t let yourself get too upset by these feelings. that is allowing Satan to succeed in injuring you and your faith. Of course Satan will try to attack your love of Jesus.
Trust me when I say that this is not an unusual feeling. When I was a teenager I had something similar at a time when I was experimenting with Transcendental Meditation as a form of prayer.

I strongly recommend you see a good spiritual director & confessor. Someone who works in a ministry with young adults. If you live near a university try and talk to the Catholic Chaplain (assuming there is a Priest in that position), alternatively seek out another priest with a particular mission to young people, possibly your local Vocations Director.
You need have no fear of scandalizing a priest who works with young adults believe me they will have heard it all before. Young adults are most likely to struggle with this type of issue, which is why I recommend you seek out a priest specialising in this type of ministry.

In the mean time: don’t worry too much about times when the temptation strikes you.
Temptation is not sin. you may be able to find ways to pray which reduce these temptations, but when these thoughts come Offer them up to God. If your have trouble praying due to these thoughts you could try praying to Mary or to the Father as a way of diverting your attention from the thoughts you are suffering.

If you do fall, repent. Pick yourself up and carry on. Do not become discouraged. Thank God that he has given you such a strong love for Jesus and ask him to help you to remain pure.

I believe sin is that which causes or has a high risk of causing harm or offence to yourself or someone else, or your relationship with the Lord. This is and example of something which causes harm to your relationship with the Lord. By not becoming discouraged you and the Lord are winning this battle.
This is a classic example of what many saints have described as a “Spiritual Battle”.
 
OP (original poster), you sound young … Are you a teenager?

As far as sexual temptation of this kind goes, I can tell you you’re not the first to experience it, so don’t consider yourself abnormal. I’ve experienced the same sexual temptation, and I’m a guy. 😛 (Yes, that is more weird, but I’ve seen more bizarre stuff on the internet – not something to brag about.) Point is, human experience often goes far beyond what’s talked about in public, so just because you haven’t seen others deal with the same temptation doesn’t mean that they haven’t. It’s also worth noting the Biblical passage talking about how Jesus experienced “every temptation common to man”; apparently Jesus was tempted sexually as well! But that he got through it without giving in to temptation means that we can, too.

In a certain sense, it is reasonable to see how this sexual temptation would develop, after reading Catholic theology about the Church (made up of us!) being the “bride of Christ”, and the Eucharist, Jesus’ Passion being a sexual act (he gives us his body) … But there is a distinction, and desiring Jesus as your earthly husband is disordered (but we all deal with disordered desires; for some fat people it’s mundane like potato chips; along that vein I struggle with eating pizza too much); perhaps bear in mind that heaven will be even better than any sexual action here on earth, and we’ll be “like the angels [not given in marriage]”, so God has something better in mind for us than sex.
 
Thank you very much your replies have been so helpful. To answer your question yes I am young.

I feel confused about so much. Do you think that what I was imagining about Jesus is wrong or sinful or only those feelings I had after? I never imagined Jesus in any sexual way except one time but I recognized that time as a temptation and rejected the image. In fact it horrified me deeply. But when I imagine Jesus like I described it is not in a sexual way at all but as a very close friend and that He is close to me or giving me a hug or talking to me and telling me He loves me. I honestly cant say at all why I get these horrible feelings from that. I think maybe the way I see Him is distorted and now I am so so afraid that everything I think I know about Jesus is wrong.

I wanted to say that in the past I imagined the same things but it was always very pure I never got these feelings. I always felt so close to our Lord Jesus after Mass and He was my very very best friend and the closest person to me. I never saw Him in a sexual way and I still don’t. So why am I getting these feelings? Do you think the devil is tempting me? Is my relationship with Jesus all wrong? I don’t understand why before I would never have these temptations but now I do and the images are the same but the way they affect me is different. Please help me understand what to do I am suffering a lot because of this. I need to clarify I never saw Jesus as an earthly husband and I never ever imagined any obviously sexual thing, I respect Him, I don’t want to think of Him in such a way. The way I imagine Jesus He is just always very loving and it is all sweet, beautiful, not lustful, please tell me if my undestanding of Jesus is incorrect. If the way I see Him is right then why is it affecting me this way not always but sometimes?

I’m very sorry I know I have too many questions but please be kind:o
 
Alright so I’m praying and I think I sorta got it but please help me out too and tell me what you think. I think the images themselves are not wrong but I’ve been focusing too much on the physical part of them. I don’t mean sexual but just physical and this made me get those feelings for some reason. Before when I would think of being with Jesus I would think more of His love but then I got off track and though I imagined Him the same way I focused on the wrong part.

This is really so painful for me and I’m scared of what Father will think when I confess this and I’m so ashamed. I think I let Jesus down, do you think is He angry at me? I love Him so much but I want to focus on the right things when I think of Him, like more on His love and worshipping Him instead of imagining what it’s like to physically be very close to Him. But I never imagined anything about sex, but just hugging Him or kissing Him but not in a sexual way but more like worship. Like how people kiss His hands. Maybe I imagined this in a too passionate way :o please tell me is this wrong? I would never be able to say this to anyone if they knew me I’m glad this forum exists I don’t know how else I would ask my question.

EDIT

i’m so upset I am crying now, because I thought of how God the Father sent Jesus to earth and gave Him a body and do I now have lust for Him? I really feel I am the worst sinner, I disrespected Jesus so much and His incarnation and everything He did for me. I don’t know how to forgive myself for this. Will Jesus and the Father ever forgive me? He is so holy we kneel before Jesus at Mass and I thought of His body in such a wrong way and just for my own pleasure. I think He must be so angry with me now and I deserve hell.
 
NotAlone33 said:
Alright so I’m praying and I think I sorta got it but please help me out too and tell me what you think. I think the images themselves are not wrong but I’ve been focusing too much on the physical part of them. I don’t mean sexual but just physical and this made me get those feelings for some reason. Before when I would think of being with Jesus I would think more of His love but then I got off track and though I imagined Him the same way I focused on the wrong part.

This is really so painful for me and I’m scared of what Father will think when I confess this and I’m so ashamed. I think I let Jesus down, do you think is He angry at me? I love Him so much but I want to focus on the right things when I think of Him, like more on His love and worshipping Him instead of imagining what it’s like to physically be very close to Him. But I never imagined anything about sex, but just hugging Him or kissing Him but not in a sexual way but more like worship. Like how people kiss His hands. Maybe I imagined this in a too passionate way :o please tell me is this wrong? I would never be able to say this to anyone if they knew me I’m glad this forum exists I don’t know how else I would ask my question.

EDIT

i’m so upset I am crying now, because I thought of how God the Father sent Jesus to earth and gave Him a body and do I now have lust for Him? I really feel I am the worst sinner, I disrespected Jesus so much and His incarnation and everything He did for me. I don’t know how to forgive myself for this. Will Jesus and the Father ever forgive me? He is so holy we kneel before Jesus at Mass and I thought of His body in such a wrong way and just for my own pleasure. I think He must be so angry with me now and I deserve hell.
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Jesus has big shoulders and knows us better than we know ourselves. We all need and desire love and acceptance and physical touch, including sexual, is part of that desire and therefore is bound to seek expression and fulfillment at times. This is how we’re designed. We can always ask that God would direct our path in terms of natural human needs but never, ever think that He doesn’t understand and won’t forgive when it’s needed. He loves you, in spite of anything we might imagine to the contrary.
 
fhansen said:
Jesus has big shoulders and knows us better than we know ourselves. We all need and desire love and acceptance and physical touch, including sexual, is part of that desire and therefore is bound to seek expression and fulfillment at times. This is how we’re designed. We can always ask that God would direct our path in terms of natural human needs but never, ever think that He doesn’t understand and won’t forgive when it’s needed. He loves you, in spite of anything we might imagine to the contrary.
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So true!
I really liked your comment fhansen!
God Bless you!
 
If hugging Jesus is now an occasion of sin for you, then it is best that you don’t do it. There is nothing wrong that I see with imagining you are hugging Jesus. The only problem is that after you felt impure by hugging Jesus (which isn’t the sin) you acted out upon your feelings. If you tell the priest what you told us he will be very understanding. Jesus forgives all of our sins when we repent and see Him in confession, so don’t worry about not being forgiven. God is Mercy and Love Itself and will not let you go. He loves you and understands the human condition. He wants you to trust completely in Him. The more you trust in Him the more He can do for you. So trust in the Lord and don’t let discouragement and exaggerated anxiety rob from you. Jesus Himself told St. Faustina that the greatest obstacles to holiness are discouragement and exaggerated anxiety. So please find peace in the Sacraments and trust with your whole heart in the Lord.
 
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