A Woman Who Wanted To Make An Unhappy Marriage Work

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The 53-year-old Fort Fairfield woman was taken by ambulance to The Aroostook Medical Center last week after she suffered serious head injuries, fractured left hip, a broken left femur and bruises to 95 percent of her body, Sgt. James Chartier, of the Fort Fairfield department, and a family member who wished to remain anonymous, said in separate interviews Monday

bangornews.com/news/templates/?a=113354&z=175
 
Hafford has a criminal history of assault. He was convicted of assault in 1988 and again in 1993. Two other assault charges against Hafford during that time were dismissed.
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Lily, I’m assuming this is in response to another thread in which women discussed ways to make an unhappy marriage work. In that thread, each and every woman stated their husband was not physically abusive. This is not the same situation those women were discussing. Not only did this man beat her severely, he obviously has a history of violence and of domestic violence against his wife. A woman who is unhappy because she doesn’t feel loved or valued by her husband is in a very different position than a woman who is being beaten by her husband and it’s not fair to attempt to equate them for the sake of your argument.
 

A woman who is unhappy because she doesn’t feel loved or valued by her husband is in a very different position than a woman who is being beaten by her husband and it’s not fair to attempt to equate them for the sake of your argument.​

Some of the women were sharing stories of their husbands verbally and psychologically abusing them. Doesn’t verbal abuse “put downs”(the heat of an argument is a different story, but constant put downs) lead to physical abuse in most cases?
 
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Lilyofthevalley:

A woman who is unhappy because she doesn’t feel loved or valued by her husband is in a very different position than a woman who is being beaten by her husband and it’s not fair to attempt to equate them for the sake of your argument.​

Some of the women were sharing stories of their husband’s verbally and psychologically abusing them. Doesn’t verbal abuse “put downs”(the heat of an argument is a different story, but constant put downs) lead to physical abuse in most cases?
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Sticking it out in an unhappy marriage is one thing, but I don’t think anyone should put up with any abuse, physical or verbal/psychological.
 
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Lilyofthevalley:

A woman who is unhappy because she doesn’t feel loved or valued by her husband is in a very different position than a woman who is being beaten by her husband and it’s not fair to attempt to equate them for the sake of your argument.​

Some of the women were sharing stories of their husband’s verbally and psychologically abusing them. Doesn’t verbal abuse “put downs”(the heat of an argument is a different story, but constant put downs) lead to physical abuse in most cases?
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No, not most cases. Definitely some cases.
 

Sticking it out in an unhappy marriage is one thing, but I don’t think anyone should put up with any abuse, physical or verbal/psychological.​

exactly.
 
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Lilyofthevalley:

Sticking it out in an unhappy marriage is one thing, but I don’t think anyone should put up with any abuse, physical or verbal/psychological.​

exactly.
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Lily and Gen,

I understand you passion on this issue. You have drawn a line on in the sand. how would you operationalize this? Would you suggest that at the first sign of abuse (this is tricky because these patterns tend to start before marriage!), they should immediately run to a lawyer? Where is the room for God to address the situation?

I agree, abuse is an awful thing. There are circumstances where a spouse (let’s be fair, it’s not always the husband!) may need to pack up and leave to be safe (see CCC 1649). the police may need to be called in, restraining orders may be needed, and all of those issues. This is the hardest decision a spouse can make because in many cases, leaving makes matters worse (case in point: a woman and her friend who gave her shelter were killed by her husband at a fish fry in St. Louis). I know of many times where a woman needed to do this for the safety of herself and her children. However, I also know that in some cases the husband did get help for his issues, and the family was healed!

In all due respect, I am concerned that your short “absolute statements” are damaging to women like myself that are in difficult but not necessarily abusive relationships. Determination of how bad abuse is is best made with professional assistance and not on-line. I challenge you to go beyond one-liners and really weigh in on the issue.

God Bless, JaneDC
 
Doesn’t verbal abuse “put downs”(the heat of an argument is a different story, but constant put downs) lead to physical abuse in most cases?
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Not that I’ve ever heard of. In any case, the women in that thread had been married for years to their husbands. Even if the psychological or verbal abuse were going to escalate into physical violence, it probably would have done so by now.

A problem I have with the terms “psychological abuse” or “verbal abuse” is they are so vaguely defined. At what point does arguing and “put downs” escalate into verbal abuse such that you believe physical abuse is likely to follow?
 
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Genesis315:
Sticking it out in an unhappy marriage is one thing, but I don’t think anyone should put up with any abuse, physical or verbal/psychological.
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You are talking apples and oranges. Physical abuse should never be tolerated. “Psychological” abuse is a bit more tenuous to diagnose. When people are unhappy, they interpret things based on emotion. I would be very careful about advising anyone to divorce based on only one side of the story. That is very dangerous advice you are freely distributing.
 
Detroit Sue:
You are talking apples and oranges. Physical abuse should never be tolerated. “Psychological” abuse is a bit more tenuous to diagnose. When people are unhappy, they interpret things based on emotion. I would be very careful about advising anyone to divorce based on only one side of the story. That is very dangerous advice you are freely distributing.
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I never mentioned divorce. I said they shouldn’t have to put up with it. Temporary separation is always an option until the husband can learn how to be a man. Read that link from the bishops. Abuse is not just physical. Forgivenness is not putting up with it. God’s will is not to be constantly put down. It’s against human dignity.
 
I am separated from my husband at the moment and on the road to getting a divorce. Thankfully, we were not married by the Church, but even if we were, my decision to divorce him will still be the same.

I have to agree with Lily when she said on another thread, why put up with it. I agree that I got married “for better or for worse”, but how worse does it have to get? I dont believe God wants us to stay in a relationship where we are not happy. I have prayed and prayed and spent hours at the Perpetual Adoration chapel asking Mary and Jesus to enlighten me to make a wise decision. Sometimes I ask myself if Im doing the right thing, but Jesus and Mary have sent me many signs that this marriage is not to continue. I will recommend any woman that is not happy in her marriage and has seeked counseling and it hasnt worked, to pray to Mary and Jesus and they will lead her in the right way. If divorce is where it leads, then thank Jesus for saving your life. No matter how much you want it to work, if your spouse doesnt want to make any effort to make this marriage work, it is only going to get worse.

I am not condoning divorce, but I would rather see a dissolution of marriage than see someone be a victim of any kind of abuse.
 
there are very few if any excuses for a divorce in my book. there are programs out there treatments, therapists and other resources. i am a child of divorce, i suffered my whole life including my adult life because of it. i think all to often people are lazy and dont care to fix it. they get selfish and say “im not happy” well boo freakin hoo. life isnt always about being happy. my husband and i have only been married 5 months and had to go to retrouvaille. we could have said hey we got married to young, just give us an anullment and lets move on, while we’re still young enough and cute enough to marry better people. we didnt do that, we knew we loved each other, we knew we made a commitment to God, and so we draged our shameful selves into retrouvaille. it was humiliating to be there after such a short period of time, but the only thing more humiliating would have been a divorce. i could have blamed my failed marriage on my parents divorce, on my mistrust of men, on my husbands issues, but i didnt i looked deep inside my self and asked my self what am i doing to sabotage my marriage. it has been 4 weeks since our retrouvaille weekend. it was a miracle. we are so in love and happy. God forbid should we fall again, thats right where we will head. i believe a person has to earn their way out of a marriage. you dont just get to say im not happy, i want a divorce. Thats not what God made marriage to be.
 
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TarAshly:
there are very few if any excuses for a divorce in my book. there are programs out there treatments, therapists and other resources. i am a child of divorce, i suffered my whole life including my adult life because of it. i think all to often people are lazy and dont care to fix it. they get selfish and say “im not happy” well boo freakin hoo. life isnt always about being happy. my husband and i have only been married 5 months and had to go to retrouvaille. we could have said hey we got married to young, just give us an anullment and lets move on, while we’re still young enough and cute enough to marry better people. we didnt do that, we knew we loved each other, we knew we made a commitment to God, and so we draged our shameful selves into retrouvaille. it was humiliating to be there after such a short period of time, but the only thing more humiliating would have been a divorce. i could have blamed my failed marriage on my parents divorce, on my mistrust of men, on my husbands issues, but i didnt i looked deep inside my self and asked my self what am i doing to sabotage my marriage. it has been 4 weeks since our retrouvaille weekend. it was a miracle. we are so in love and happy. God forbid should we fall again, thats right where we will head. i believe a person has to earn their way out of a marriage. you dont just get to say im not happy, i want a divorce. Thats not what God made marriage to be.
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So, you think that is ok to stay in a marriage where the husband is mentally abusing his wife???
 
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sarai:
So, you think that is ok to stay in a marriage where the husband is mentally abusing his wife???
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i think a wife should be supportive to him for him to go get help. thats what i had to do for my husband. we fixed it. it can be fixed. i had to face my own faults in our marriage as well. i had to fix my part to. im not saying that if a spouse is mentally abusive that it is the other spouses fault, but it is the other spouses fault if they dont at least try to fix things and try to encourage their spouse to get help. move out if it will give the other spouse a reality check and push them to get help, but one shouldnt go running for the lawyers right away if things get rough. no one said life let a lone marriage was going to easy.
 
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TarAshly:
i think a wife should be supportive to him for him to go get help. thats what i had to do for my husband. we fixed it. it can be fixed. i had to face my own faults in our marriage as well. i had to fix my part to. im not saying that if a spouse is mentally abusive that it is the other spouses fault, but it is the other spouses fault if they dont at least try to fix things and try to encourage their spouse to get help. move out if it will give the other spouse a reality check and push them to get help, but one shouldnt go running for the lawyers right away if things get rough. no one said life let a lone marriage was going to easy.
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What if the spouse is adamant that he doesnt have a problem and the one with the problem is you?

What if the husband doesnt want to seek help because he truly believes that he doesnt have a problem?

The spouse should stay and put up with that? Get blamed for things that she has not done and have the spouse turn things in a way that will make you feel that is all your fault, when you know that it is entirely his problem?

That is my situation and I absolutely refuse to let my esteem get trampled over any more. And I will advise the same thing to other people if they are in the same situation. There is no reason why someone should make you feel inferior when you have tried everything that you can to make it work.
 
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sarai:
Get blamed for things that she has not done and have the spouse turn things in a way that will make you feel that is all your fault, when you know that it is entirely his problem?

.
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Sarai i am sorry for your situation. i would only ask that you remeber that it is never entirely one persons fault. i had to learn that the hard way by dragging my marriage in the mud after only 5 months convinced that it was all my husbands fault. Retrouvaille changed my life. it saved my marriage, and it also taught me how to deal with other relationships, not just my marriage. it is a miracle to me. please check it out and give it a chance. it may be the answer you need.
 
Frankly, in my personal opinion, Jesus’ statements on marriage were in line with his general attitude towards women and children, which was one of protectiveness and respect. I think that this edict was mainly to protect women and children from being abandoned and left high and dry. In those days a man could divorce his wife for any old reason, just because he felt like it. This left women in a very precarious position, in a society that didn’t exactly offer women ‘equal rights’ in the modern sense.

Look at how Jesus behaved towards women. He was a radical. He spoke to the samaritan woman at the well, he had a woman who was in his inner circle and so forth. These were absolutely against the social norms of the day!.

So, I think that the utmost concern in matters of marriage should not be to use it to allow men to continue unfair dominance of women and children, but to protect those weaker individuals. That, in my opinion, was the intent of Jesus’ words. 🙂
 
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