I once dated a man who was verbally abusive (he’d apparently had some problems with physical abuse, as well, with an ex.) I didn’t date him for very LONG, but the few months I did were pretty awful.
I can’t imagine being married to such a person. If, somehow, I’d found myself married to him, I absolutely would have had to divorce him. (Now, this was before I was really religious or anything) I am VERY VERY grateful that I never got pregnant with him. He would be a horrible, miserable father.
Verbal abuse, when it’s for real, is truly awful. I’m not talking about just name-calling or yelling. Those things are wrong and not healthy, but true verbal abuse is something entirely different. You don’t have to use bad words or call names or even raise your voice to do it. What it is is simply undermining someone constantly. In fact, the very WORST sort of verbal abuse is the kind that is said ina pleasant or reasonable tone of voice.
You find yourself walking on eggshells, never knowing when you’ll trigger another outbreak of evil.
And, the abuser is very sneaky. They’ll wait until your guard is down and then pounce. This guy would get some idea in his head and let it fester for weeks before blowing up. Perhaps I came home from work an hour late one day and didn’t think to explain why. Maybe I’d gone to the grocery store and then got involved reading something at the magazine rack, and so was late. Didn’t really notice I was late, and so didn’t say anything about it one way or another. Neither would he. He wouldn’t say a word. Then, three weeks later, I’d be in a happy mood… perhaps just had my hair cut and feeling nice about my looks. THEN he’d start in on me. I can’t even replicate how he’d do it… but it would be just one cryptic comment. Then another. Then another… and I’d be on the defensive, trying to get at what he was saying… and it would turn into: you’re displaying the classic signs of someone who is cheating. You’ve got a new hair style. You came home from work an hour late. You’re smiling a lot, lately. You answered the phone and claimed it was a “wrong number” because HE called when I was here!
Another time, he just KNEW - had known for WEEKS - that I was working as a prostitute! I was trollling the online singles sites for clients! He KNEW this because he was nobody’s fool!
Or, if there was a small bruise on my leg, he’d say something to the effect of “I don’t want you to think I’m naive, so I’m going to have to let you know that I see that thumb print on your thigh…” “What?! What THUMB PRINT?! What are you talking about?” “You sure do display the classic signs of guilt and defensiveness!”
In between, he’d behave as if everything was normal. Only when I was feeling somewhat happy and relaxed did he pounce. I ceased to ever feel happy and relaxed!
Oh, and he was good at pointing all of my actual faults, too. I really AM a lazy and self-centered person. I suspect most of us are on some levels, or at least most of us worry that we are. The more I withdrew, the more he pointed out to me that I wasn’t any fun, that I was selfish, that I was cold, that I didn’t do anything for him. Or, that I was conceited about my education (it’s true, I’m somewhat proud of my education) and he’d tell me that I was making an *** of myself.
To this day, I have no idea how much of it was true and how much of it was just his sick little head. Oh, I KNOW that I wasn’t an Internet prostitute and that that wasn’t a thumb print on my thigh, but I don’t know if I was selfish, lazy, or conceited.
Anyway, verbal abuse is some truly sick stuff.
You know you’re being verbally abused when you find yourself wishing they’d just hit you so you could say “OK! That’s it! I know I’m not crazy and that I’m being abused!”
If I find myself married to someone like this, I will leave. Oh, he’ll have a chance to get counselling and change, but I won’t tolerate it for even a second. I owe it to my children.
