Aargh i can't do anything right!

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scrupulousrvrt

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I’m constantly trying to balance a secular and Religious life while trying to make the secular life religious, and it’s all going down the drain. Can’t have my cake and eat it too. Any attempt to practice my Faith results in my family thinking I’m nuts, I’m wearing myself out, I hardly have any fight in me, I think that enjoying anything that isn’t of faith is a fault (I do like the beejees) or at worst a Venial sin, or depending on intent, Mortal.
Sometimes I wish I could just live in a corn-fed, home-schooled, devout, Catholic-Vacuumed (Catholic Vacuum?) Family and live a life of enthusiastic piety.
Not the current case. Scrupulous thoughts, actions, feelings, impulses have become habits (both good and bad), I’m aware that 90 percent of my temptations, thoughts, feelings and impulses come from me.
The truth is, peace is unsettling. I am comfortable in temptation and fighting it, even though it drives me toward heresy, it drives me to the brink of insanity. it KILLS ME!
If I have nothing to struggle against, I might as well be a vegetable. (If I lose my Faith I might as well kill myself, yes kill myself (although that is extreme, and I would never dot it).
It seems like I can never do anything right!
Not with Faith, and not without it. My parents drive me crazy. My Dad says “Honor thy Mother and Father” but all else seems like (seems like) bupkis to him!
My Mother doesn’t practice, but I’m certain she’s more worthy of heaven than me.
Same thing with my Dad and even my Brother, who’s effectively an Atheist (SEVERELY AUTISTIC).
I can’t type anymore. The fuel in my tank has run dry. I think I’m indifferent. I can’t do this anymore.
 
scrupulousrvrt said:
I’m constantly trying to balance a secular and Religious life while trying to make the secular life religious, and it’s all going down the drain. Can’t have my cake and eat it too. Any attempt to practice my Faith results in my family thinking I’m nuts, I’m wearing myself out, I hardly have any fight in me, I think that enjoying anything that isn’t of faith is a fault (I do like the beejees) or at worst a Venial sin, or depending on intent, Mortal.
Sometimes I wish I could just live in a corn-fed, home-schooled, devout, Catholic-Vacuumed (Catholic Vacuum?) Family and live a life of enthusiastic piety.
Not the current case. Scrupulous thoughts, actions, feelings, impulses have become habits (both good and bad), I’m aware that 90 percent of my temptations, thoughts, feelings and impulses come from me.
The truth is, peace is unsettling. I am comfortable in temptation and fighting it, even though it drives me toward heresy, it drives me to the brink of insanity. it KILLS ME!
If I have nothing to struggle against, I might as well be a vegetable. (If I lose my Faith I might as well kill myself, yes kill myself (although that is extreme, and I would never dot it).
It seems like I can never do anything right!
Not with Faith, and not without it. My parents drive me crazy. My Dad says “Honor thy Mother and Father” but all else seems like (seems like) bupkis to him!
My Mother doesn’t practice, but I’m certain she’s more worthy of heaven than me.
Same thing with my Dad and even my Brother, who’s effectively an Atheist (SEVERELY AUTISTIC).
I can’t type anymore. The fuel in my tank has run dry. I think I’m indifferent. I can’t do this anymore.
Click to expand...
You are too focused on yourself. Perform all the Corporal Acts of Mercy. Then the Spiritual Acts of Mercy. Repeat as often as needed.
 
scrupulousrvrt said:
I’m constantly trying to balance a secular and Religious life while trying to make the secular life religious, and it’s all going down the drain. Can’t have my cake and eat it too. Any attempt to practice my Faith results in my family thinking I’m nuts, I’m wearing myself out, I hardly have any fight in me, I think that enjoying anything that isn’t of faith is a fault (I do like the beejees) or at worst a Venial sin, or depending on intent, Mortal.
Sometimes I wish I could just live in a corn-fed, home-schooled, devout, Catholic-Vacuumed (Catholic Vacuum?) Family and live a life of enthusiastic piety.
Not the current case. Scrupulous thoughts, actions, feelings, impulses have become habits (both good and bad), I’m aware that 90 percent of my temptations, thoughts, feelings and impulses come from me.
The truth is, peace is unsettling. I am comfortable in temptation and fighting it, even though it drives me toward heresy, it drives me to the brink of insanity. it KILLS ME!
If I have nothing to struggle against, I might as well be a vegetable. (If I lose my Faith I might as well kill myself, yes kill myself (although that is extreme, and I would never dot it).
It seems like I can never do anything right!
Not with Faith, and not without it. My parents drive me crazy. My Dad says “Honor thy Mother and Father” but all else seems like (seems like) bupkis to him!
My Mother doesn’t practice, but I’m certain she’s more worthy of heaven than me.
Same thing with my Dad and even my Brother, who’s effectively an Atheist (SEVERELY AUTISTIC).
I can’t type anymore. The fuel in my tank has run dry. I think I’m indifferent. I can’t do this anymore.
Click to expand...
I understand your struggle with scrupulosity and other temptations, I’ve experienced them too, but you have to CHOOSE peace, that peace you find unsettling because God wants us to experience that peace. Even if your parents were practicing catholics or supportive of your faith, I don’t think it would make much of a difference because you would still feel conflicted inside. You know temptation is not sin, that enjoying something not related to the faith that’s morally acceptable is not a sin, but you cannot let go of the anxiety, at least that’s what I understand from your post. You need to learn to shut down those thoughts that make you scrupulous, to not give them any of your time and attention. You can choose to focus on your issues and keep going like this or trust in God.
I was also scrupulous since childhood and it used to impact my life so much but now I can receive the sacrements and pray and feel the presence of God in my life. And guess what, I’m still scrupulous at heart, but I know that if I give in again to those anxieties it would get me nowhere.
So my advice would be to try to picture yourself living in peace among your circumstances and learn to be comfortable with that, not searching for the next difficulty or scrupulous thought and then try to live that.
 
If you have serious scrupulosity to the point of illness, you should be consulting with your pastor and physician about it. It isn’t your family’s fault, it isn’t your fault. It isn’t a moral issue at all. Please seek out professional help so you can get better.
 
I guarantee that if you were suddenly sucked into your Catholic Vacuum you would be equally as scrupulous and equally as miserable. I had it. It’s an illness. Some have it worse than others. You seem to have it to the point that I think you could benefit from talking to a psychologist as well as a priest. That doesn’t mean you are crazy or anything; I think at some stage most people need a councillor and those that aren’t afraid to seek help are the ones who grow strong and prosper.
 
I like how I saw: “The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. -Matthew 26:41” at the very end of your post.

I’m adding Matthew 19:26 ("Jesus looked at them and said, 'For human beings this is impossible, but for God all things are possible.”) on to your verse and praying for you with both of these verses on my mind as soon as soon as I click submit.
 
This is about you being as strong as you can possibly be for Jesus Christ. You must be willing to put your parents, your teachers, your families, your values, aside for Jesus Christ. You say that you are struggling between Secular and Religion. Dont differentiate the two so much. Firstly, be bold about your faith, but remember that everything we do the planet the moon the stars and the trees we live on are all created by God. Therefor, don’t think that God, his word, and his existence, his LORD Jesus Christ doesnt exist, nor the Holy Spirit doesnt exist in any one of us because it does. The secular world is just what is a perception of what is made, so it can be anything, that is not religion.
 
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