E
EmBee
Guest
Warning: the word “cervix” lies ahead …
It seems that I’m having to deal with consequences from my “past life” (that is - my life prior to converting from atheism to Catholicism). Before becoming Catholic, I was sexually active and on ABC - which meant that babies weren’t an issue and in a supposedly monogomous relationship condoms shouldn’t be needed … yeah … So, last year I went for my annual PAP and guess what came back - abnormal cells. Doc found a small patch of mild dysplasia on my cervix. He told me that the cells are mostly caused by HPV and, if left untreated, could become cancerous. I had received my first of three Gardasil injections (HPV vaccine) a month earlier, but apparently had already contracted HPV so the vaccine couldn’t help alleviate what I already had. Wonderful timing. Anyway, Doc told me not to freak out and we scheduled a colposcopy and the path results came back positive for mild dysplasia. Doc suggested we monitor the situation for a year and that it was likely to clear up on it’s own.
Well, yesterday ended the year of observation and my colp affirmed that I still have abnormal cells. Only THIS time, Doc says instead of one patch of cells - I have several smaller patches all along my cervix. He’s suggested I have surgery to get the cells removed and that’s fine with me. I’m ready to be done worry about having precancerous cells anywhere near my babymaking organs (I just got engaged, don’t you know, and FI and I would love to be blessed with a family). Usually he performs the surgery in his office, but because my problem is spread out, he’s suggested putting me under general anesthesia at the hospitol because he won’t be able to numb the area sufficiently otherwise (this was actually great news for me because I have extremely painful periods and intense cramping during PAP, etc).
Obviously I’m a bit freaked about the abnormal cells and the surgery, but I’ll be really glad to get this all taken care of. Really though, the most bothersome part of this whole episode is the toll it’s taking on my FI. I am so embarassed that my past actions are affecting him in such a personal way. I have come (almost all the way) to terms with the fact that I made decisions and regardless of the motivations or the way I’ve turned my life around I still have to live with the consequences, but it really irks me that FI has to live with them, too. He’s been so amazingly understanding and supportive of my past, and I know we’ll get thru this like we have gotten thru everything else, it’s just … I feel as though my past has adulterated the marital embrace (not a fan of the term, but it seems to be common terminology) I will be able to share with my FI once we’re married. Perhaps I feel like I’ve cheated him out of something?
I don’t really know. FI had sex in the past as well, so I’m not the only one who slipped up here, but because my actions have led to a physical problem that we’re discussing and dealing with now, I feel guiltier than I did before my appointment yesterday brought all this up.
Sigh.
–
It seems that I’m having to deal with consequences from my “past life” (that is - my life prior to converting from atheism to Catholicism). Before becoming Catholic, I was sexually active and on ABC - which meant that babies weren’t an issue and in a supposedly monogomous relationship condoms shouldn’t be needed … yeah … So, last year I went for my annual PAP and guess what came back - abnormal cells. Doc found a small patch of mild dysplasia on my cervix. He told me that the cells are mostly caused by HPV and, if left untreated, could become cancerous. I had received my first of three Gardasil injections (HPV vaccine) a month earlier, but apparently had already contracted HPV so the vaccine couldn’t help alleviate what I already had. Wonderful timing. Anyway, Doc told me not to freak out and we scheduled a colposcopy and the path results came back positive for mild dysplasia. Doc suggested we monitor the situation for a year and that it was likely to clear up on it’s own.
Well, yesterday ended the year of observation and my colp affirmed that I still have abnormal cells. Only THIS time, Doc says instead of one patch of cells - I have several smaller patches all along my cervix. He’s suggested I have surgery to get the cells removed and that’s fine with me. I’m ready to be done worry about having precancerous cells anywhere near my babymaking organs (I just got engaged, don’t you know, and FI and I would love to be blessed with a family). Usually he performs the surgery in his office, but because my problem is spread out, he’s suggested putting me under general anesthesia at the hospitol because he won’t be able to numb the area sufficiently otherwise (this was actually great news for me because I have extremely painful periods and intense cramping during PAP, etc).
Obviously I’m a bit freaked about the abnormal cells and the surgery, but I’ll be really glad to get this all taken care of. Really though, the most bothersome part of this whole episode is the toll it’s taking on my FI. I am so embarassed that my past actions are affecting him in such a personal way. I have come (almost all the way) to terms with the fact that I made decisions and regardless of the motivations or the way I’ve turned my life around I still have to live with the consequences, but it really irks me that FI has to live with them, too. He’s been so amazingly understanding and supportive of my past, and I know we’ll get thru this like we have gotten thru everything else, it’s just … I feel as though my past has adulterated the marital embrace (not a fan of the term, but it seems to be common terminology) I will be able to share with my FI once we’re married. Perhaps I feel like I’ve cheated him out of something?
I don’t really know. FI had sex in the past as well, so I’m not the only one who slipped up here, but because my actions have led to a physical problem that we’re discussing and dealing with now, I feel guiltier than I did before my appointment yesterday brought all this up.
Sigh.
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