abortion question

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Kitty_Chan

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Hi I have a question for you guys, now Im not catholic and neither is my friend. But I like it here and respect your opinions. And this is a tough one.

My friends daughter living with a guy, has several children from a former live in. (I know its messy) And to top off shes pregnant with this new guy. Well, they start talking about getting married. Well that sure brought out alot.

The daughter wanted to get married in a church (shes been talking about God to her mom for a while now. Anyway the boyfriend states hes not setting foot in any church. And since they moved into their place several months he wont let her work. And she wanted to take a part time job because they are really struggling, phone cut off, no groceries. etc.

Anyway Im trying to be short here, but the marriage topic really puts his behaviour into overdrive hes been getting more and more aggressive. It ended last weedend she moved a bed to the basement room to sleep on sunday and he got mad. He turned off the power, etc.

On monday he decided to leave and go live with his brother. Now his mom (He had explained the mom wouuldnt speak to him) is suddenly speaking to him and coming over to help move :confused: well it gets worse hes tossing things, and including a dresser he essentially throws at the girlfriend.

The cops are called and they calm it down and see he removes his stuff and gets out with no further incident.

Of course the girl is crushed and already has 2 kids from former boyfriends and she is sick and tired and wants her life back. So hes out, thats that. Also, her mom has been living with her since the fall as she is separated from the father. On that note I will add the father is a violent man too. So I guess theres something about how you pick your men accordnig to how your dad was. Anyway, thats the situation at present.

soooo, shes alone with her mom, and that is a good thing the mom. she has her son and daughter, btw the daughter is in shared custody with her father. and she hasnt seen her sons dad for yrs, he considers his sisters dad his. For the record that guy is good with both of the kids. Just not their mom. But that parts not a problem at least.

Anyway lets call her Sally its easier. She facing the fact she chose another git. he has 2 other girlfriends who he has kids with. and a checked past of assaults she was ignoring, but not anymore. He will never be able to help her with the baby. Although his mom is already talking about declaring her unfit and threatening to take away the baby when its born.

She has a horrible amount of pressure now, the boy is threatening her, she has to get a restrainiing order. She is really not happy about it, but has made a apt at a abortion clinic on Feb 5. She is going to talk to the counsellors tommorow or something. Her mom feels awful for her, she doesnt want her to go, but on the other hand the boy is violent and mom and Sally cant see how she will be able to carry the baby with him demanding her stay at home while shes pregnant.

Hes still on about that even though he left. And her mom cant support them both. Besides his mom kept saying she wanted the baby. my friend and I are starting to wonder given the fact this guy has 2 other girlfriends and 5 kids between them, If his whole plan wasnt this to begin with. Its a awful situation. full of I cant believe you put yourself in that position and were so blind.

Sallys mom and I dont like the abortion one bit. but nothing we can think of seems to help. She cant give the baby up only to the crazy dad or maybe she could but what a deal he wont let her alone. Thats why shes made that apt.

any clarity? guys. I know the obvious things are numerous. Sorry for this being so long, its a situation to be sure. Anyone out there, living and not paying attention to the deal your boyfriend had a prior assault, dont ignore this stuff, This whole thing sounds unususl but I dont think its that off. My head swims thinking about it. please pray for my friend and her daughter, that they make a wise decision.

Thanks:)
 
Bad as it would be to have to give the baby up, killing him or her would be so much worse. While an abortion may seem like the easy way out right now, killing her child will not actually make her feel better, nor will it make things easier, in the long run - killing her baby will not make her problems go away, and could make them worse.

People are born into worse situations than this one every day, and somehow, they cope. I have several Third World foster children who are very glad to have been born, even though the circumstances at the time were not exactly ideal. Her baby will be, too.

And who knows, maybe in the meantime, she will get a social worker who can see and understand that the boyfriend is violent and needs to be kept away from the baby. And she has you for her friend - who could be luckier than that? 👍
 
the poor woman is an an extremely abusive situation and needs help and support from her family and friends and the system to free herself and her children from this man. killing an innocent baby, a violent assault on the mother, is not the answer to her problem.
 
puzzleannie said:
the poor woman is an an extremely abusive situation and needs help and support from her family and friends and the system to free herself and her children from this man. killing an innocent baby, a violent assault on the mother, is not the answer to her problem.
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exactly. I think having an abortion will simply perpetuate the cycle. See if you can find a crisis pregnancy center or home/shelter for abused women and children in your area. They will be able to offer resources (emotional/financial/legal) to help this woman and her unborn babe. Peace to all involved.

I guess I should add, try checking in the yellow pages for “abortion alternatives” or calling the local Catholic diocese to help you find the right place to help this girl out.👍
 
A woman should never have to choose between her future and her child. She can have both a future AND her child. Killing her baby is not a solution to her problem, it’s just a new problem.

Look in you phone book under abortion alternatives. There should be a crisis pregnancy center in your area. They deal with these issues and have many resources and professional help available. This is no time for amateur hour, call professionals who deal with crisis pregnancies and abusive situations and take your friend to see them. They can counsel her and help her to see the many real choices she has.

Don’t believe for one minute the abortion place will “counsel” her. They sell abortions, not choices.

If there isn’t a CPC in the phone book, go to www.optionline.org and see if you can find one. Or call Birthright, www.birthright.com.
 
I agree with all the posts already here. Get your friend out of that situation and help her and her children, including the unborn one. God will give you the strength to help her if you ask Him – that doesn’t mean it’ll be easy, but you won’t be alone.

If she doesn’t think she can raise the child, discuss adoption. There are many women (and men) on these forums who are trying to adopt and would love to devote their lives to a child who needs love. The best thing she can do for her child is give her life.

Offering a prayer for her and you right now. :crossrc: God bless.
 
She needs to get a restraining order against the man and his mother. She needs to get out of that place and into a safe place with her mother and her kids. Even if its with the kids’ father. Because he should recognize his own child is in danger in that situation.

She needs to have any abuse documented. The abuser’s mom is just going to make excuses for him. (I know this from fact. She’s on his team and doesn’t care if he hurts Sally at all.)

They are trying to scare Sally into not getting a job and thinking she is going to be declared an unfit mother. Sally can prevent that by behaving responsibly and intelligently for the next several months. NO SCREW-UPS! NO ALCOHOL, NO BOYFRIENDS, NO CRAZINESS, NO DRUGS!

Whatever her issues are, if she is with a social worker who is seeing her behavior toward her children and the pregnancy, no judge is going to take babies from their mother and give them to a guy with police blotter histories of battery and kids scattered all over town. And his mother won’t get the baby either.

The better her social support system, the better chance for her. But a man who won’t let the girlfriend work is the kind that eventually kills her. GET AWAY NOW!

I agree with all the other posters, an abortion will further victimize her. And the baby doesn’t deserve the death penalty, its stupid father does. Killing her baby will just drive her down further into the victim cycle. And it could be very dangerous for her if the crazy boyfriend decides to punish her for killing his kid.

Good luck. And I hope this Sally understands her life and the lives of ALL of her children are at stake and she needs to get out yesterday.
 
Kitty, your pal must contact these good people. ASAP!!! all the mothers there are homless, abused, addicted, whatever. there isn’t ONE easy situation amongst them but many happy endings.

goodcounselhomes.org/

please invite your friend to private message me. i’d love to communicate with her in love and support.

oh, and BadGuy’s mom ‘taking’ the baby? How does a resounding chorus of H*LL No sound?
 
and Kitty, you’re a good friend-- to be willing to hit up the catholic site to help your friend. you’re a very good friend.

everyone should have a friend like you.
 
Abortion isn’t the answer. If the cops came hopefully the physical abuse was documented in some small part. Believe it or not the dad when it comes right down to will probably sign away his rights rather than pay child support. The grandma is on his side because that is how that relationship works for them. I would discuss adoption options. Several will pay for housing and medical until the baby is born. If she is tired of being a mommy all together adoption is not just for babies and two kids who are sibs may be very adoptable. She will have guilt and a lot of other horrible emotions tied to killing her child I would not wish that on my worst enemy let alone a girl far away who I don’t even know.
 
You are a good friend to ask for help. I am offering prayers for her and her baby :crossrc:

I pray she realizes that she won’t be just ending a pregnancy, she will be ending a human life, her own child’s. An abortion won’t be something she can easy walk away from, the pain of the decision to take her own child’s life will stay with her for the rest of her life. The negative impact of an abortion on the human soul can literally be eternal. And while her circumstances now aren’t good, she can break free from this violent relationship & regain a stable, safe, and healthy life without resorting to abortion. Contact some of the options offered here, they will be able to direct her to resources in the local area, & get her help that she can use. She & her unborn son or daughter are worth more than abortion.

You can also contact Alberta’s pro-life group, they should be able to direct you to additional resources in the area. albertaprolife.com/
 
Kitty_Chan said:
Sallys mom and I dont like the abortion one bit. but nothing we can think of seems to help.
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I don’t know if you’ve already tried this, but I thought I’d bring it up, just in case.

Do you know how far along she is? The only thing that stopped a friend of mine from getting an abortion was actually seeing photos of a baby in utero. She figured out how far along she was, using her last period, and was shown a book that had pictures and descriptions of what was developing. Once she learned the little guy’s heart was beating, she said, “Well, he has a heartbeat now, I can’t just kill him.” She never went to her appointment at Planned Parenthood.

My friend was non-religious, a single mom, just turned 21, involved with a man she barely knew who was nearly 10 years older than her, and a strong pro-choicer. Seeing a little baby picture softened her heart. Her little boy was born at 23.5 weeks gestation and is 4 years old now.
 
Truly_Beloved said:
Do you know how far along she is? The only thing that stopped a friend of mine from getting an abortion was actually seeing photos of a baby in utero. She figured out how far along she was, .
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Just in general thank you everyone, I knew I could count on some good help. I appreciate you all reading my rambling, its so convoluted its hard to tell the story.

Truly Beloved, to answer this, she is 13 wks. Sally told me (just so everyones clear shes the daughter of my friend) that she knew she was running out of time for a abortion. Is 13 too late? I suppose not as they made her a apt for Feb 5th. her mom and I figure we have that time to help sort out Sallys head.

I know she is going to talk to the counselor at the clinic.

I know Sally was scared that if she got one they would show her the baby and she didnt want to see. (I dont think they would, would they?)

I know she hates the boyfriend and feels no love for him or the baby.

I know this is the final straw, she has a boy and girl with 2 different fathers and she is tired and wants her life back. She wants to forget it all and go to school of some sort and work with her son and maintain a relationship with her daughter who was taken from her, that dad is good with both the kids actually. They are ok as parents just not anything else.

Oh and this new nasty boyfriend was also partly responsible for her daughter getting taken back to her father because the guy was nuts off and on.

My head hurts why oh why do us girls pick these losers. Out there in net land take notice if you read this, choose better 🙂
Dare to be picky, your worth it.

I wonder if she kept the baby for adoption, how much say would the dad have?

And someone mentioned social worker. Yes, shes going to welfare to get I think a deposit or a months rent something like that to get through the short term. I didnt know the social worker would talk to her. Should I encourage her to talk to the social worker too? Do you guys think they would encourage which way??

btw, I will read more of the links and reread your posts tonite, gotta go to Walmart, need water and milk sigh Im going to take my friend out to dinner tommorow nite so we can discuss more.

Thanks guys 😃 ❤️
 
Kitty_Chan said:
I know she hates the boyfriend and feels no love for him or the baby.
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I don’t know how you get someone to not feel anger toward the innocent. And how well will she treat herself with this kind of anger? I guess this is similar to suicide… a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Good luck on this.
Kitty_Chan said:
I know this is the final straw, she has a boy and girl with 2 different fathers and she is tired and wants her life back. She wants to forget it all and go to school of some sort and work with her son and maintain a relationship with her daughter who was taken from her, that dad is good with both the kids actually. They are ok as parents just not anything else.
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Maybe there is hope here? But lets get past the next couple of months.
Kitty_Chan said:
My head hurts why oh why do us girls pick these losers. Out there in net land take notice if you read this, choose better 🙂
Dare to be picky, your worth it.
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I can’t stress enough the following book. There may be more concise ones. some research may be worth the time… or another thread.

**Real Love: Answers to Your Questions on Dating, Marriage and the Real Meaning of Sex (Paperback)
**by Mary Beth Bonacci
Kitty_Chan said:
I wonder if she kept the baby for adoption, how much say would the dad have?
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Well, here in Tx, a long time ago, he did have to sign. Not sure if the abortion requires the same thing in your state… Ironic, isn’t it. No permission needed to kill, but permission required for life. This should tell us something about how far we’ve gone arwy.
Kitty_Chan said:
And someone mentioned social worker. Yes, shes going to welfare to get I think a deposit or a months rent something like that to get through the short term. I didnt know the social worker would talk to her. Should I encourage her to talk to the social worker too? Do you guys think they would encourage which way??
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Hard to say. For sure, the clinic is not in the business of adoption. And adoption isn’t easy on the mother, either.
Kitty_Chan said:
btw, I will read more of the links and reread your posts tonite, gotta go to Walmart, need water and milk sigh Im going to take my friend out to dinner tommorow nite so we can discuss more.
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Good for you. Wish we could help more. Say… did your friend ask for help from St. Vincent DePaul?
Kitty_Chan said:
Thanks guys 😃 ❤️
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Thank you for being her friend!
 
Kitty_Chan said:
I know she is going to talk to the counselor at the clinic.

I know Sally was scared that if she got one they would show her the baby and she didnt want to see. (I dont think they would, would they?)
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It has been proven time and again that abortion clinic councelors do not talk about any other option!! They also do not show the baby to the mom.

Please, please, please get her in to see someone in a Crisis Pregnancy Center, these councilors are trained to talk about the alternatives and to help her with this pregnancy now. They should be able to direct her to any of the adoption agencies that are state certified and the councilors there (the adoption agencies) are even trained more thoroughly as they are not just volunteers they are paid to help the woman make a decision that is best for her and her baby (and her family if there is one).

I will be praying for you and Sally’s mom and Sally as you all work with her to get her through this.

Brenda V.
 
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