About a family issue again!

[Templum]

Hi,

I have spoken already about how sometimes my parents speak to me and I appreciate the answer that I got. Now, how about this situation?

A parent of mine and I squabbled at one time. I was badly treated about my weight. I was told in a bold manner that losing weight wasn’t possible in my case. I was judged by someone with no spiritual interest unfortunately. I was shocked and said something to defend myself…something to the effect that this parent was “mean”. This topic came up in the past and I said that I was sorry about hurting the person, but I felt the need to defend myself because this person judged my future. Coming from a parent, this is disgusting. I was hurt by it and had to tell that person that she/he was being mean (I expressed it more harshly than that…because I was being judged). The parent and I at this time, agreed that I might have been harsh, but I did defend myself against this person’s judgment…which was that I would never lose weight and it was too late.

I thought the situation out and got a general feel about it all (with my own personal experiences etc.) and I decided to consult a specialist who could help me lose the weight I needed. Tomorrow, I will have successfully lost all the weight needed to be medically in shape. This is thanks to my own ability to search the answer up. I did get a general picture of things (including feeback and other things), but I did believe that someone would “rescue” me. I didn’t follow the “judgment” given by one of my parents…I prayed and found a caring doctor who put me on a diet and with great support, I succeeded in doing the whole thing. Now, I am happy and I trust my ability to solve my problems. This parent told me that she/he was too harsh on me and congratulated me for my success. However, this parent did not forgive me for the way I defended myself and again, I thought that it was resolved a while back. This person did not forget the situation after all, unlike other cases that I’ve seen where people, after discussion, erase the situation from their minds.

That said, this parent of mine needs to heal from my reply to her/his mean judgment about me. I didn’t swear. I just expressed that she/he was mean in a somewhat vulgar way if I can say…but no swearing was done. I was angry at being attacked and I feel that it is normal to defend oneself against harsh judgment. I love this parent, but she/he hard to get along with. She/he doesn’t have any faith. She/he doesn’t go to Mass and it’s very hard for a child believe you me. How can I deal with a parent who doesn’t forgive his/her child readily especially after discussing it? Why does a parent get revenge? This parent does show maturity in other areas, but for an event that was already discussed, this person can’t forgive her/his child. How can I help my parent heal from the event? It’s hard to imagine this especially when my parent doesn’t go to Mass and doesn’t do any spiritual activity.

Shouldn’t a parent have more wisdom than their child?

Can you help me with my parent?

Thanks,
Templum

 

[SMHW]

Congratulations on having the fortitude to lose all that weight.

Hi,
I love this parent, but she/he hard to get along with. She/he doesn’t have any faith. She/he doesn’t go to Mass and it’s very hard for a child believe you me. How can I deal with a parent who doesn’t forgive his/her child readily especially after discussing it? Why does a parent get revenge? This parent does show maturity in other areas, but for an event that was already discussed, this person can’t forgive her/his child. How can I help my parent heal from the event? It’s hard to imagine this especially when my parent doesn’t go to Mass and doesn’t do any spiritual activity.

Shouldn’t a parent have more wisdom than their child?

Can you help me with my parent?

Thanks,
Templum

One of the effects of original sin is that power/authority, and responsibility are not always in harmony. Those who are under the authority of others do not always live up to their responsibilities. Likewise, those with power over another do not always live up to their responsibilities. Sometimes the failure to live up to responsibility is a deliberate act. Sometimes the failure to live up to responsibility is due to hurts/injuries which makes it difficult/impossible for the person to do what is needed. Sometimes those with responsibility do not possess the power they require to meet the responsibility.

In our days of elected political officials it is normal to think that those who have authority but fail to live up to the responsibility can just be booted out of their position. Election to office is a kind of a contract. And if the elected breaks the contract, then he forfeits the power.

But the parent/child relationship is not a contract. It’s more of a covenant. It is a relationship that can’t be broken simply because one or the or the other fails to live up to the responsibilities of the relationship. What this means is that you owe honor to your parent even when your parent does not give you what you need. But you already know this.

When you are in need, it is not always easy to accept that the one who is supposed to meet your need might lack the power to help you. I think that in your case you need to charitably make this assumption. For whatever reason, your parent has not been given the power to forgive you. (You do not know all the hurts and injuries your parent has received in life which might interfere with the power to forgive…) But through your faith you have the ability to pray for this parent that God might give your parent the necessary power to properly exercise the authority. And through faith you can forgive your parent what God does not grant.

 

[monicatholic]

congratulations for seeking out good guidance, for following it with discipline, and for losing extra, unnecessary weight! nicely done!

you will need those good discipline skills, plus lots of prayer and graces from God to navigate your way through relationship with your mom.

in this scenario alone, she insulted your weight, asserted your weight was a lost cause, and held a grudge against her own contrite child.

i suggest your goals should be to love her, respect her and act respectfully, because it pleases God to do so, but know-- she is wrong about a lot of things, perhaps especially wrong about how to behave lovingly.

when your mother says things that are hurtful, you can pray silently, :Lord, is what she says true, kind, loving?" If what she says is false, or mean, you don’t need to defend yourself. simply ask Jesus, “defend me O Lord. help me to remain quiet. help me to see what’s true about me.”

is there another trusted adult to whom you can go for an emotional boost? maybe a teacher in whose class you do well? maybe someone at church? your other parent? a relative? ask them to help you remember what’s good about you. what you’re good at. what makes them smile.

and always remember to go to God your Father. HE made you because HE loves you. from the beginning of forever, everytime HE thought about how, one day, HE would create Templum and breathe into you HIS eternal soul, HE smiled. even before HE made you-- HE’s always loved the very idea of you!!!

GOD made you to spend eternity with HIM. that’s everything Templum.

and pray for your mom. it pleases GOD that you should do so. and if you offer up your hurt feelings and frustration to Jesus on the cross for the intention of your mother’s conversion, then nothing is wasted! your frustration and hurt feelings become powerful part of prayer for yor mother’s well-being.

but still, expect nothing, but hope for everything. dont defend yourself. go to GOD with your troubles.