About a guy

[aborodki]

Hello,

I need a little bit of advice about this guy I met. I’m twenty-three in law school and i’ve only had one relationship in my life. It didn’t end well so i am very cautious these days though i am extremely lonely.

I met a guy on a christian dating website and I like him a lot. We have many things in common, he and i are both traditional, conservative and value our christian faith immensely. He is also extremely educated so we can have conversations for hours about politics, history and everyday activities. In fact, i look forward each day to hearing from him. I have a couple of concerns right now. First one being is that although he is employed it is not a stable job. He works in the Oilfield, and likes to work with his hands. His step father was the one that introduced him to it and he loves it. It requires a lot of traveling and to be honest, it wasn’t the kind of profession I was looking for He told me that he is looking for a stable job that would provide a solid income and a time for him to be at home so he can have a family but at this time, he still has to travel. My second concern is about his younger sister. She unfortunately fell in love with not a good man who got her pregnant after one month into the relationship. They are currently engaged but the relationship is doomed ( hopefully). This man has stolen from the the sister’s family, has a terrible temper and has done time in prison for shooting his own father in the chest and shooting at a state trooper.
My question is that should i pass this guy up or go on a date with him? One one hand, it has been a while since i’ve talked to someone that i’ve had so many things in common and could be so honest about. On the other hand, the two matters mentioned above bother me. I can’t really talk to my parents about this. Thanks for any advice.

 

[cmscms]

Personally, I never believe the ‘I am looking for a stable job’. I believe actions speak louder than words. Does he talk about the companies he sent his resume to? Does he research employment opportunitiesÉ If he is simply a victim of the recession, be sympathetic. If he is all talk not a good sign. It’s like a husband saying he will take out the garbage and then doesn’t understand why there is a smell in the house. (get it?)

As for his sister, I would pray for her but I do admit it is a real deal breaker. It is taking on a lot. It sounds from your post you have never met him face to face. If that is the case, you do not owe it to him to stick by him like a wife. You are free to not get involved

Don`t let your terrible loneliness cloud your better judment to only make a big mistake.

I understand conversations with parents are not always open. Nonetheless, if you can`t tell them about this… makes me wonder how you will ever introduce him to them

Sorry to be so harsh, but i must admit this situation appears concerning

CM

 

[Rabid]

Hi,

To be honest, in respect to your second concern, you can’t quite judge a guy by his family. I have an aunt by marriage how sadly is in the clutches of a full-fledged addiction to crack cocaine, who says Jesus has saved her and will remove the addiction Himself (At least made that statement 4 years ago, right before she went on binge plunging my uncle into debt, and trying to swindle my grandfather for thousands of dollars), and refuses to go to any type of addiction program. Needless to say it has caused tremendous amounts of friction in my family about how best to deal with her (forgiveness or tough love). I feel that the decisions she has made should not determine my ability to be an outstanding husband and father, and I am privileged to have an amazing girlfriend who feels the same way. While it is an unfortunate situation that the sister finds herself in, its much more relevant to the point to find out how the guy you’re talking to feels about the situation, and what he is doing in the situation.

For the first concern you have, is the concern about the travel or the “hard labor” stigma? The value of man in this world is what he sacrifices for others. If he provides for his family, in any job, I say kudos to him. If he moves away from hard labor to another profession, and chooses to travel less or not at all to provide a stable foundation for his family, then he is a model for men everywhere. Coming from a guy who is a product of a broken home, who has a dad who decided to quit his job because he simply didn’t want to work anymore and plunged the family into a nightmare, a man willing to stand for his family is the very definition of a man indeed.

That being said, if he is planning on being selfish, and only pursuing jobs that he enjoys that is not adequate for the family and will never result in stability for the family, then he may not be the example of Christ you want for your children. If he is planning on putting the family ahead of his own interests, then, at this beginning stage, he might be worth a date.

Keep in mind, where a man is now (when he has minimal responsibilites) does not mean that is where he will remain when called to something greater.

I hope that helps, and if it sounded a little preachy, and “holier than thou”, that was not my intention, and feel free to disregard.

-God Bless

 

[aborodki]

Personally, I never believe the ‘I am looking for a stable job’. I believe actions speak louder than words. Does he talk about the companies he sent his resume to? Does he research employment opportunitiesÉ If he is simply a victim of the recession, be sympathetic. If he is all talk not a good sign. It’s like a husband saying he will take out the garbage and then doesn’t understand why there is a smell in the house. (get it?)

As for his sister, I would pray for her but I do admit it is a real deal breaker. It is taking on a lot. It sounds from your post you have never met him face to face. If that is the case, you do not owe it to him to stick by him like a wife. You are free to not get involved

Don`t let your terrible loneliness cloud your better judment to only make a big mistake.

I understand conversations with parents are not always open. Nonetheless, if you can`t tell them about this… makes me wonder how you will ever introduce him to them

Sorry to be so harsh, but i must admit this situation appears concerning

CM

I don’t mind harsh advice, if i did, i would have never asked.
He told me about the applications he sent out, i do believe that he is searching for a stable job, the question is, will we be able to survive with my large debt and the work he’ll be doing? Concerning his sister, i agree with you that it is taking on a lot. But, should i hold him his responsible for his family members? But then again, i am looking for a future spouse, so i don’t know. My parents are extremely close-minded on a lot of things so i don’t know if the opinion they will give me will be the best. But then again, they have a lot of years of experience on me. Should i meet with him? Should i be open about all of this?
I will not let my loneliness rule over my head, but at the same time, i do not want to be unnecessary cautious.

 

[cmscms]

I feel they ultimate decision is up to you. Ask God for guidance. I simply put out my opinion.

One last thing though, whether you marry him or not you will have debt so I don`t think that is a factor

CM

 

[aborodki]

I feel they ultimate decision is up to you. Ask God for guidance. I simply put out my opinion.

One last thing though, whether you marry him or not you will have debt so I don`t think that is a factor

CM

I ask God so many times, the problem is that i don’t know how to listen. I am afraid that i might misinterpret what God says for my own intentions and vice versa. I will keep praying for guidance but Solomon said to ask many people for advice and i think this forum has some intelligent people.

 

[aborodki]

Hi,

To be honest, in respect to your second concern, you can’t quite judge a guy by his family. I have an aunt by marriage how sadly is in the clutches of a full-fledged addiction to crack cocaine, who says Jesus has saved her and will remove the addiction Himself (At least made that statement 4 years ago, right before she went on binge plunging my uncle into debt, and trying to swindle my grandfather for thousands of dollars), and refuses to go to any type of addiction program. Needless to say it has caused tremendous amounts of friction in my family about how best to deal with her (forgiveness or tough love). I feel that the decisions she has made should not determine my ability to be an outstanding husband and father, and I am privileged to have an amazing girlfriend who feels the same way. While it is an unfortunate situation that the sister finds herself in, its much more relevant to the point to find out how the guy you’re talking to feels about the situation, and what he is doing in the situation.

For the first concern you have, is the concern about the travel or the “hard labor” stigma? The value of man in this world is what he sacrifices for others. If he provides for his family, in any job, I say kudos to him. If he moves away from hard labor to another profession, and chooses to travel less or not at all to provide a stable foundation for his family, then he is a model for men everywhere. Coming from a guy who is a product of a broken home, who has a dad who decided to quit his job because he simply didn’t want to work anymore and plunged the family into a nightmare, a man willing to stand for his family is the very definition of a man indeed.

That being said, if he is planning on being selfish, and only pursuing jobs that he enjoys that is not adequate for the family and will never result in stability for the family, then he may not be the example of Christ you want for your children. If he is planning on putting the family ahead of his own interests, then, at this beginning stage, he might be worth a date.

Keep in mind, where a man is now (when he has minimal responsibilites) does not mean that is where he will remain when called to something greater.

I hope that helps, and if it sounded a little preachy, and “holier than thou”, that was not my intention, and feel free to disregard.

-God Bless

Thank you for your advice,
concerning this man—when his dad walked out on them, this guy got a job to provide for his mom and his younger sister, in fact his younger sister views him as her father. He sends money over to his mother and stepfather because the stepfather lost his job three months ago due to employee layoffs and the family has lost a severe amount of money in the housing bubble. I asked him about family and he said it is probably the most important thing for him so he wants to be a good husband because his own father never was.
I will ask him what he has done about his sister though i know he has tried to break her away from this guy, unfortunately teenagers don’t listen. My question to you, what do you think he should do?
To be honest, it was both. The traveling and the hard-labor stigmata.

 

[Rabid]

Well, he seems like an upstanding young man.

As far as what he should do in terms of his sister’s situation, I personally would be looking for a balance in his reaction. To me, he shouldn’t be belligerent, but he also shouldn’t be passive. He should be actively trying to resolve the situation peacefully. All of the following is my own opinion in how I would look at the situation. If your guy does something separate, it does not necessarily mean he is wrong.

Does the fiancé sound unstable? Yes he does, without a doubt. How is he treating her? Abusive physically? Mentally? Spiritually? A “Yes” to any of the three needs to be addressed immediately. Is your guy the man to address it? I don’t know. How active is the stepfather? If the girl truly sees your guy as the father figure, and he accepts that responsibility, then he needs to act the role in Christ’s love. He needs to address the situation with her first. Your guy going to the fiancé first simply would not solve anything, and from the sounds of things, could turn violent. That should be the final step.

Why is she infatuated with him? It sounds like it can’t be due to her being treated like a princess. In my experience, usually one of a few things or a combination: 1) Rebellious phase due to lack of a true father figure. 2) First love. 3) The baby. 4) Guilt. 5) Hoping to change him. 6) He’s a victim of circumstance. Your guy needs to first get her to verbalize what she likes about the fiancé. The fiancé most likely has good points that far outweigh the bad, but she emphasizes the good and disregards the bad. Your guy should reemphasize reality and specifically show how the bad will accelerate if the fiancé doesn’t change now. Generally one of three response will occur: 1) She will ignore him. 2) She will acknowledge the arguments, but reject them as fact. 3) She will accept them, and agree he needs to change.

If Reaction 1 occurs, it gets ugly. I would address the fiancé at this point, and address the fact that I would not put up with his abusive behavior towards my sister any longer. The ball is in the fiancé’s court now. If he doesn’t stop, and the girl is in denial, my focus turns towards the child. Is the child born yet? If yes, the courts would be the best bet for me. I would petition for the custody of the child. If not born yet, not much action to take until the child is born, then take the action above.

If Reaction 2, its progress. She has some degree of freedom to fall on her own, and maybe more time is what it will take to wake her up.

If Reaction 3, best case scenario. Now she is a willing factor to make the fiancé change, and if he chooses not to, but wont stop hanging around, the police and the courts are the next step.

Again all of this is how I would approach it, and my opinion. I also realize this may be a little in depth for you to express to him. The general characteristics I’d look for in him, is if he takes a responsibility to mediate with the girl if he accepts the role of father figure. If not, does he still take steps to protect her as much as she allows him to.

The end result is if she is willing to side with him, things will likely get better. If she doesn’t, people will do what they choose to do.

-God Bless

 

[Jerok]

Do not judge someone by their sister’s actions. Actually it’s more about his sister’s boyfriend. What is up with that? If the guy makes you happy, is moral, and can provide for what you need, then go for it.

The only issue is the traveling - this could be a problem, maybe not. As others suggest, pray to the holy spirit about this.

But do not let his sister’s boyfriend play any part in this decision.

 

[crenfro]

Hello,

I need a little bit of advice about this guy I met. I’m twenty-three in law school and i’ve only had one relationship in my life. It didn’t end well so i am very cautious these days though i am extremely lonely.

Hello. God bless you.

I’d suggest going to this website:

familylifecenter.net/

It has some great advice for Catholics, and as far as I’m concerned, for anyone.

It also has some good books to read about dating and stuff, what to look for, etc.

I wish this website had been around when I was in my 20’s. Would have saved me a lot of heartache and pain.

Please pray for me.