About a Sibling

[FidemHabete]

Dear CAF,

I am currently experiencing some serious problems. Just these past few minutes, I had a sibling who was threatening me with a kitchen knife to “leave”. Prior to his threat, I was merely asking him to clean up some dishes. He refused to do so. I tried asking more firmly, albeit calmly. He remained obstinate. By then, I turned over a pot of soup onto the table, as I was very provoked by him. I told him to clean it up. He refused. I left for a bit to calm down. I came back to ask him nicely, but seriously to clean it up. He refused once more, and this time started screaming “Help!” out the back door to attract the attention of the neighbours. I stopped him, and that was when he went to grab the knife. He started saying, “Leave!” I took the knife away from him, I told him that he can’t be doing that, and I cleaned up the mess I made.

I know this is a rather frivolous matter, but … it has caused me a lot of stress.

Did I do something wrong by spilling the soup and telling him to clean it up?
I just wanted to assert my authority as an older sibling. He doesn’t seem to listen to me (or to anyone else in the family for that matter) and always finds an excuse for everything he does. It’s really annoying, and has caused a negative impact on our family. I want the best for him, I try telling him to behave etc… but all that gets out of him is some disrespectful rebukes. His actions can be provocative, and even provoking enough to the point that I become violent and hit him.

He used to go to Daily Mass with me, but now he refuses. I am really concerned for him.
I pray all the time that this will stop! It hasn’t.

Please help me.

 

[CDB1718]

In case there are people engaged in physical violence, I must run the risk of feeding a troll in order to denounce the violence being justified.

Did I do something wrong by spilling the soup and telling him to clean it up?

Yes, it was wrong to spill the soup in anger.
Yes, it was wrong to tell your brother to clean up your mess.

I just wanted to assert my authority as an older sibling.

Authority is service, leadership, guidance, love. You exhibited none.
What an abusive display in an attempt to control through fear and might.

He doesn’t seem to listen to me (or to anyone else in the family for that matter) and always finds an excuse for everything he does. It’s really annoying, and has caused a negative impact on our family.

And you’re so perfect with your soup-spilling, brother blaming abusiveness that you have the luxury of complaining of his annoying habits since you have nothing to work on in yourself?

I want the best for him, I try telling him to behave etc… but all that gets out of him is some disrespectful rebukes.

The best includes cleaning up messes you intentionally make in a fitful attempt to control others? Your actions betray what you want from your brother and that’s unquestioning obedience as if you were God, not God’s will.

His actions can be provocative, and even provoking enough to the point that I become violent and hit him.

You are responsible for your actions.
You being abusive is your fault, not your brother’s.

He used to go to Daily Mass with me, but now he refuses. I am really concerned for him.
I pray all the time that this will stop! It hasn’t.

Maybe you should work on praying for and stopping yourself instead of setting this crazy cycle in motion over and over again.

Please help me.

Go to confession.
Apologize to your brother.
Go to counseling.
Work on the plank in your own eye.
Adopt a zero violence policy. Deescalate and model peace.
Ask for help, guidance, and support to learn how.
Read the saints, especially regarding love and humility as you set out on this journey.

 

[FidemHabete]

Okay, now I realize that what I have done is wrong. Perhaps even very wrong. I have many things to fix in my life and I acknowledge that fact. I understand that this is something I need to confess. However, doesn’t the fact that since I maybe was excited, and worked up, I wasn’t able to use my will properly? Perhaps I was not able to control myself. Am I still culpable?

And how about my brother? Do I just leave him alone? I KNOW that I need to work on myself first, before I correct others, but doesn’t there need to be at least some fraternal correction?

EDIT: Perhaps fraternal correction is my actions, and not words. Is this correct?

 

[CDB1718]

Okay, now I realize that what I have done is wrong. Perhaps even very wrong. I have many things to fix in my life and I acknowledge that fact. I understand that this is something I need to confess. However, doesn’t the fact that since I maybe was excited, and worked up, I wasn’t able to use my will properly? Perhaps I was not able to control myself. Am I still culpable?

And how about my brother? Do I just leave him alone? I KNOW that I need to work on myself first, before I correct others, but doesn’t there need to be at least some fraternal correction?

EDIT: Perhaps fraternal correction is my actions, and not words. Is this correct?

You need to discuss your culpability with your priest in confession. Minimizing and justifying don’t bode well for a proper examination of conscience.

You have a real problem in the area of “fraternal correction.” It escalates to soup being thrown and knives being pulled. You need to step out of that arena completely and let your parents do the work they have the responsibility and vocation to do. You have enough on your plate with facing your own internal struggles right now. Deal with that.

 

[FidemHabete]

Completely? And what if my parents are not at home?

 

[CDB1718]

Completely? And what if my parents are not at home?

How old are you and your sibling?

 

[FidemHabete]

I am 15 and he is 11.

 

[CDB1718]

I am 15 and he is 11.

You minimize and justify your failures while maximizing and catastrophizing the failures of others. You have a disordered view of authority, obedience, service, family life, fraternal correction, and what living a Christian life looks like.

There’s no time you should be responsible for your brother as you habitually abuse the responsibility and your brother. He is more than old enough to negotiate needs and desires with your parents directly and will do much better without your provocations. Just as you will do much better without assuming you have control of him.

You need to engage the help and support of those with rightly ordered balance who can help you. Spiritual, priest and confession. Psychological and emotional, therapist. Practical, parents. And until you’ve gained balance in these areas years down the road and have control and responsibility of yourself, you need to abstain from anything that puts you in a position of being an abuser.

What does that look like?
Go to confession.
Apologize to your brother.
Go to counseling.
Work on the plank in your own eye.
Adopt a zero violence policy. Deescalate and model peace.
Ask for help, guidance, and support to learn how.
Read the saints, especially regarding love and humility as you set out on this journey.

 

[Viki63]

Good advice:

Go to confession.
Apologize to your brother.
Go to counseling.
Work on the plank in your own eye.
Adopt a ZERO violence policy. De-escalate and model peace.
Ask for help, guidance, and support to learn how.
Read the saints, especially regarding love and humility as you set out on this journey.

Your brother’s behavior is your parent’s problem, not yours. Ask politely if you want him to do something, if he refuses, let your parents know. It is not your place to punish him.
It is your place to set a good example, be a good role model.
God bless.

 

[vsedriver]

I am 15 and he is 11.

If you are ‘babysitting’ your younger brother then your sole responsibility is to just make sure he is OK and doesn’t damage himself or your property. Technically you have no authority over your brother. That is your parents’ responsibility. They are the ones who can ask that certain chores be done and they are the ones who determine what punishments will be handed out for failure to comply.

Maybe you should try being more of a brother and less of a father? negotiate better, like saying if you help me clean up these dishes we can go to the movies, shoot some hoops, etc.

Treat your brother the way you would like to be treated if your roles were reversed. If you keep calm, all will be calm around you. The pack doesn’t follow the leader who is the most aggressive, they follow the leader who is the most confident.

 

[Rebecca_Monica]

Hello, dear. I have issues with my siblings all the time, and they are very hard to deal with. I end up going to confession all the time for sins against my sister, but that is not necessarily bad. It is bad that I hurt my sister through my actions, but confession gives me the Grace to try to deal with it in the future.
I would suggest that you always approach your brother with love. He is probably really struggling internally right now. Maybe try not to show your authority and just help him out whenever you can. It may be frustrating and time-consuming, but maybe do some of his work for him instead of telling him to do it.
Remember, the true authority is God. Offer up the suffering caused by your brother for the sake of his soul. I will pray for you.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Dear CAF,

I am currently experiencing some serious problems. Just these past few minutes, I had a sibling who was threatening me with a kitchen knife to “leave”. Prior to his threat, I was merely asking him to clean up some dishes. He refused to do so. I tried asking more firmly, albeit calmly. He remained obstinate. By then, I turned over a pot of soup onto the table, as I was very provoked by him. I told him to clean it up. He refused. I left for a bit to calm down. I came back to ask him nicely, but seriously to clean it up. He refused once more, and this time started screaming “Help!” out the back door to attract the attention of the neighbours. I stopped him, and that was when he went to grab the knife. He started saying, “Leave!” I took the knife away from him, I told him that he can’t be doing that, and I cleaned up the mess I made.

I know this is a rather frivolous matter, but … it has caused me a lot of stress.

Did I do something wrong by spilling the soup and telling him to clean it up?
I just wanted to assert my authority as an older sibling. He doesn’t seem to listen to me (or to anyone else in the family for that matter) and always finds an excuse for everything he does. It’s really annoying, and has caused a negative impact on our family. I want the best for him, I try telling him to behave etc… but all that gets out of him is some disrespectful rebukes. His actions can be provocative, and even provoking enough to the point that I become violent and hit him.

He used to go to Daily Mass with me, but now he refuses. I am really concerned for him.
I pray all the time that this will stop! It hasn’t.

Please help me.

Yes, it was wrong to flip a bowl of soup over because you are angry.
Yes, it was wrong for you to tell your sibling to clean up the mess you made.

You aren’t supposed to assert any authority over a younger sibling. You aren’t his parent. If you are to watch him while your parents are gone is one thing, to “assert authority” is another. You need to chill out and be a friend to your sibling, not an authority figure. It isn’t your job.
I would refuse to hang out with someone who is trying to boss me around, who has no business doing so.

 

[St_Francis]

From Chapter 3 of the Screwtape Letters:
In civilized domestic life, hatred usually expresses itself by saying things which would appear quite harmless on paper (the *words *are not offensive) but in such a voice, or at such a moment, that they are not far short of a blow in the face. [There exists] a sort of double standard. [One] demands that all their utterances are to be taken at face value and simply judged on the words, while at the same time judging all [the other’s] utterances with the fullest and most over-sensitive interpretation of the tone and the context ans the suspected intention… Hence, from every quarrel they can both go away convinced, or very nearly convinced, that they are quite innocent. You know the kind of thing: “I simply ask her what time dinner will be and she flies into a temper.” [This creates a] situation of a human saying things with the express purpose of offending and yet having a grievance when offense is taken.

I used to be an older sister, now I am the mother of two older sisters! I know younger brothers aren’t easy, but think of how Christ wants you to behave to your brother. Does He want you to “assert your authority” --which you have *only *as much as your parents give you–or set an example and be a friend and support? Remember that our task is to help those around us to attain Heaven–are you helping your brother with that?

I know younger beithers can be very difficult, but we still need to treat them well so that we can get to Heaven. And they give us lots of opportunity to offer things up for Christ, don’t they

 

[englishredrose]

If you spilled the soup then yes you did wrong by even asking him to clean it up. As a Catholic brother you wish no harm to others and any errors can be humbly restored by quietly and humble cleaning it up yourself. He shouldn’t need to do that for you. ALso there is no need for you to exert any authority over him whether as younger or older in this way.

Exerting authority is best done very quietly and in fact best done without any authority exerted because you do not need to choose that route.

for a starters without embarrassing him you can find a way of saying sorry to him for trying to make him clean up your mess. You can do that. The rest is harder because no matter how kind one is etc the other will often be rubbed up the wrong way etc. But as the Catholic Christian Brother your life is harder in that you have become aware of situation and now trying to amend how you can move forward and not loose sight that he is your brother. The relationship with my own sister is non too healthy as such and goes way back to junior school age if not before. We are not in the same part of the country. I politely get on but… Hoping you can achieve more with your brother than I ever did with my sister whom as a kid i idolized in my own way i guess and as kids we make lots of mistakes which as adults affects one more than the other may be. I have no idea if she is as tortored over the comments she has made thru the years to me though guess not since she has ‘everything’ and I… well this is about you, not me. You can start today by dropping the exerting authority quest and learn to be a brother/friend as much as age allows it.

 

[Allegra]

Did you spill the soup on purpose or on accident? Either way, you are the one who spilled it so you should clean it up. If you spilled it on purpose, that is really aggressive and threatening and I think you need to deal with your anger issues. Older siblings don’t have authority over younger siblings unles they specifically given that authority by their parents, for a specific purpose. If I was your parents, I would not give you that authority because it seems like it is not working out. It sounds like more adult supervision is wanted in your house. Next time your sibling annoys you, take your soup and walk away.

 

[Xantippe]

You can tell your parents that this situation is not working for you. Tell them the story, without being accusing of your brother, and including how you contributed to the confrontation. Tell them that you don’t think that you are mature enough to manage authority over him.

If I were your mother, I would want to know this.

 

[maryjk]

Yes, it was wrong to flip a bowl of soup over because you are angry.
Yes, it was wrong for you to tell your sibling to clean up the mess you made.

You aren’t supposed to assert any authority over a younger sibling. You aren’t his parent. If you are to watch him while your parents are gone is one thing, to “assert authority” is another. You need to chill out and be a friend to your sibling, not an authority figure. It isn’t your job.
I would refuse to hang out with someone who is trying to boss me around, who has no business doing so.

OP, do your parents regularly dump trash on the floor and make you clean it up to assert their authority as a parent? No? And they actually have authority over you.

Try being a brother to your brother. It will help.

 

[St_Francis]

Another thought I had is that often on TV disagreements are handled in certain ways. This occurs to heighten the drama, but should definitely not be used as an example of how to handle any sort of situation!

To the OP, another suggestion: have your parents issue insteuctions about what *each *of you should be doing while they are out, and be very explicit about it! They might say something like: A should clean the bathroom and B should do the dishes. Other than that, A and B should do homework and spend 20 minutes cleaning their rooms. After all this is done, each can have free time to spend as they please.

Then your parents can deal with undone work with the person to whom it was assigned rather than your trying to assert authority

 

[Xantippe]

“To the OP, another suggestion: have your parents issue insteuctions about what each of you should be doing while they are out, and be very explicit about it!”

Yes!

 

[EasterJoy]

Dear CAF,

I am currently experiencing some serious problems. Just these past few minutes, I had a sibling who was threatening me with a kitchen knife to “leave”. Prior to his threat, I was merely asking him to clean up some dishes. He refused to do so. I tried asking more firmly, albeit calmly. He remained obstinate. By then, I turned over a pot of soup onto the table, as I was very provoked by him. I told him to clean it up. He refused. I left for a bit to calm down. I came back to ask him nicely, but seriously to clean it up. He refused once more, and this time started screaming “Help!” out the back door to attract the attention of the neighbours. I stopped him, and that was when he went to grab the knife. He started saying, “Leave!” I took the knife away from him, I told him that he can’t be doing that, and I cleaned up the mess I made.

I know this is a rather frivolous matter, but … it has caused me a lot of stress.

Did I do something wrong by spilling the soup and telling him to clean it up?
I just wanted to assert my authority as an older sibling. He doesn’t seem to listen to me (or to anyone else in the family for that matter) and always finds an excuse for everything he does. It’s really annoying, and has caused a negative impact on our family. I want the best for him, I try telling him to behave etc… but all that gets out of him is some disrespectful rebukes. His actions can be provocative, and even provoking enough to the point that I become violent and hit him.

He used to go to Daily Mass with me, but now he refuses. I am really concerned for him.
I pray all the time that this will stop! It hasn’t.

Please help me.

Have you talked to your parents about how to handle this situation better? Mention that you handled it badly, that the thing with the soup can’t be excused no matter how “provoked” you were, but also mention that he picked up the knife, which also comes under the heading of “no excuse, ever”. Ask them that since you’ve blown your credibility, you need one of them to impress upon him that he can’t handle things that way when someone else gets out of hand, because if he does that with someone other than you, he’s going to get the police called on him. He needs to realize that was totally against his best interest, and that he needs to never ever do anything like that again. You’re going to get into some trouble yourself, but if you “out” yourself and then ask them to talk to him (maybe both of you together) about what happened, that could help. In fact, it would be the most mature if you were to say “I’m willing to have you correct me in front of him about the soup, because that’s only right and then he won’t be able to argue with himself that my being out of bounds about the soup would ever make the knife thing OK.”

You know your parents; consider that as a possibility. The knife thing is serious, and he needs to realize he must never repeat that, short of a situation where killing someone in self-defense is actually a possibility…which most people will never face in their lifetimes.

As for Daily Mass, leave it alone for awhile. Invite him again, but wait a bit. When you invite him again, apologize for the soup incident and ask him not to let your stupidity get between him and God, because that would be a shame.