? about birth and grandparent notification

[journey137]

The question is short, the story getting to the question is long. Skip to the end if you want just the question

My dad called last night and we were going around in circles. Baby is due next week and I intended to call everyone and tell them after the birth. Virtually everyone on our call list has at least a two hour drive to see us, so I figured that would be enough time for me to get a short nap in and get cleaned up before being rushed by family. Now dad’s phone call last night really upset me (end of pregnancy hormones maybe a little of it ). He is more scared than I am, I think.

He is upset that I didn’t get checked at my appointment earlier this week to see how far I was dilated (thinks I’m naive and doc is a bad doc), he is upset that we’re not getting another ultrasound to make sure baby is in the correct position (again, me naive and the doc is not caring for me properly), he is upset that I don’t plan on going to the hospital as soon as my water breaks (again, me naive and I will end up delivering in the car during the five minutes it takes for us to get to the hospital)… that cycle ran through a few times and then we really got to the kicker… I said we weren’t planning on calling anyone until the baby got here. Oh boy, you would have thought I stabbed him in the heart. He started going on and on using my stepmom to try and guilt me (mom died almost four years ago), he tried to scare me saying stuff could go wrong and somebody should be there (um… husband counts I think), and eventually he just asked to talk with dh because I was not budging.

DH had been listening to the conversation up til this point and he could see that I was obviously upset so he was basically trying to just get dad off the phone and comfort me. He got an abridged version of our phone conversation and ended up promising dad to try to call him before the baby is delivered if I don’t hide the phone so he can’t. He did not realize that I just wanted a little family time with him and the new baby without the pressure of a pep squad in the waiting room just waiting to burst in and gush over me and the new baby. Honestly, I don’t think I told him how much that meant to me; I just said I didn’t want to call anybody until after the baby was here. He thought it would be ok to call people and let them show up if they wanted to, and just let the nurses run them out of the room as necessary.

Now that dh knows how I really feel and my reasons, he wants to call my dad back and tell him he made a promise he can’t keep. He’s afraid that my dad will take him aside at the birth and give him a lecture about how he needs to keep his promises. My dad is about as subtle as a bull in a china shop, so he might very well do something like that. I don’t want to have everyone mad at me before the baby comes so I’d rather just not call him and if he makes a big stink about it later, tell him dh was just following my wishes. I told dh it’s easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission, but he insists we’re not asking permission – just letting him know how it’s going to be so he can get his anger out of the way before the birth. I don’t believe that would happen.

Does anyone have any advice for how proceed with this very stubborn dad that is terrified his daughter is about to give birth? Should dh call and inform him we won’t be notifying him before the birth, should I call, should nobody call?

 

[SMHW]

Is this your first baby? Is it your Dad’s first grandchild? Did your mother have a difficult time delivering you or any siblings? Your stepmother? Are births with lots of family around a tradition in your extended family? Is your father a doctor?

I’m trying to figure out why your father is so concerned about being there. Could it have something to do with your mother’s passing?

I don’t have any advice for what to tell your father but if you know what in particular is driving him maybe you can more easily address the issues.

 

[happymommy]

All he said was that he would call your dad sometime before the baby was delivered, so wait until you are pushing to call your dad, by the time he gets there, baby will be there too. If you don’t want others there, then don’t have them!!
When I had our first daughter, I had my husband make my mom leave the room because she was driving me crazy! She was worried and didn’t know what to do with herself. It was making it too hard on me. You need to be able to focus and remain calm! You husband needs to be able to care for you and you want to spend time with your new baby!
If something were to happen, what is your dad going to do? He’s going to sit and wait, so let him do that in the comfort of his own home.
This time is about you and your new family. That is what you need to be worried about!
Let us know when your new bundle of joy arrives!

 

[queen_anne78]

I went almost 2 weeks past due with my G, and everyone was driving me NUTS constantly calling and asking if I was dilated yet, had I had any “bloody show”, had I lost my mucus plug ON AND ON AND ON. I refused to get checked as well, so I could honestly say, “I’m sorry I can’t discuss the state of my cervix with you, as I don’t really know that myself.”

It may be worth calling your dad back and just saying, lovingly, “Dad, I know you love me and are concerned for my safety. I want you to know you have done a great job raising me and helping me become an intelligent young woman who is capable of making major decisions for herself and her family. I owe this quality to you. Please try to sit back, relax, and trust me. We will call you as soon as we are able. The best thing you can do for us is to pray! I love you”

End of story. No more discussion. Call when you want to, and when you are good and ready.

 

[journey137]

Is this your first baby? Is it your Dad’s first grandchild? Did your mother have a difficult time delivering you or any siblings? Your stepmother? Are births with lots of family around a tradition in your extended family? Is your father a doctor?

I’m trying to figure out why your father is so concerned about being there. Could it have something to do with your mother’s passing?

I don’t have any advice for what to tell your father but if you know what in particular is driving him maybe you can more easily address the issues.

Yes, it is my first, and it is sort of his first grandchild. He has two daughters from another marriage that have kids already, but he didn’t really have anything to do with raising them and only sees them once or twice a year. I was sort of his make up for messing up with them.

Mom had heart problems and that made birth hard on her, but I was a natural delivery without drugs so it couldn’t have been that bad. Dad is a trucker and he was not there for my birth (mom’s radio friend broadcast it over the airwaves though so he got a pretty good play-by-play of the whole thing from what I’ve heard). Stepmom had premies with her two girls. One was in the NICU for a couple weeks I think.

As far as I know, lots of family around during births is not a tradition. When I was little, we only went to visit people at least a day after they had given birth, but usually it was more like a month.

Dad’s not a doc, but stepmom is a nurse practitioner. She would be in such a state if something was happening to me that she would be useless though.

Stepmom told me that he has been getting more and more nervous about the birth as it’s gotten closer. I guess I just finally got how nervous he really is. I had no idea it was so bad and I don’t think there will be any calming him down until after I deliver.

 

[KristinM]

I don’t know. There are several questions you need to ask/answer.

What would happen if your husband did call before the delivery? Could your father wait in the waiting room until you were ready to receive visitors? What is the difference in him waiting in the waiting room and waiting at home oblivious to what is going on?

Just because he’s at the hospital, doesn’t mean he gets to wait in your room.

Turn the tables a bit. Suppose your stepmother calls you to tell you that you dad is in the hospital and had surgery the day before. Would you be hurt? Would you have wanted your dad to have called you before the surgery?

You need to call him either way to let him know that either 1) you will call him after the baby is born or 2) you will call before, but you will need a few hours before you’ll be ready for visitors.

 

[journey137]

If something were to happen, what is your dad going to do? He’s going to sit and wait, so let him do that in the comfort of his own home.

lol, I told him that and he didn’t seem to like it very much.

… I refused to get checked as well, so I could honestly say, “I’m sorry I can’t discuss the state of my cervix with you, as I don’t really know that myself.”

It may be worth calling your dad back and just saying …

Actually my doc is not big on checking, especially if there’s not been a bunch of contractions. She says it’s not going to affect my treatment so really, what’s the point unless I’m just dying to know.

I’m just not sure if calling would stir up more trouble than it’s worth. If I do call, what you typed would be a beautiful response.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

I guess it is nice to call your parents during delivery - they do feel like they’re a part of the process. If you can trust your Dad to respect your wishes, then you could call him during labor, and then ask him to wait to come to the hospital until after the birth, and assure him that he will be the first person you’ll call. If you can’t trust him to stay away, then tell him so “Dad, I really feel like the birth is an intimate moment between me and dh, so I feel more comfortable waiting until baby has been born before I call - I promise, you will be the first person we’ll call.”

Ultimately, your dad is not in charge, and does not get to call the shots here. It is nice to accomodate his feelings if you can, but if he is going to trample all over your wishes, especially at such a special moment for you, then you don’t need to involve him. Just call him when you want to call him. Tell him you got distracted or forgot or something if you don’t want to tell him the truth - and just try not to go into labor when you’re with him .

Just another thought - your boundaries may be different from mine - I prefer not to get many visitors after childbirth. Sure the baby’s grandparents (although even then I like to keep it short and sweet), but really noone else (except of course my other children). until a couple of days later (or more). I have a burst of energy after delivery, but then am really exhausted, and I just want to enjoy my baby, not entertain visitors. You may want to prepare your dh to make the notifications to likely visitors saying something like, “Journey137 is really tired right now and not up for visitors. Maybe a visit in a couple of days (or whenever) would be best.”

 

[3GirlsRUs]

Well, I know it’s your first one and everything, and probably you get all kinds of advice you aren’t sure what to adhere to and what not to. But, now that I’m on my 4th…I have learned (actually learneda fter the 2nd one) that I don’t really want people showing up even 2 hours after I had a baby. If you have an epidural, it will take time to wear off and get your shower and bond with your baby and nurse and eat and all kinds of stuff you don’t want visitors around for.

Basically, no matter what time of day the baby comes…I have DH set to make phone calls and notify everyone that all is well once dark hits (in the winter that’s about 5:30 p.m. or so) because then I at least get the rest of the day to be with baby and just rest and be with DH and maybe my other children.

That’s just how I handle it. We don’t call and tell anyone that I’m in labor, we don’t call and tell anyone we’re going to the hospital or anything. Now MIL usually has one or more children while we’re in the hospital…but she respects our decision to avoid visitors until we’re ready.

I guess I just learned when I had dd#2 on a Sunday, and DH made the calls about an hour or two after baby was safely delivered…EVERYONE came AT THE SAME TIME and it felt likt THEY WOULD NEVER LEAVE!!! That night, as I was taking care of baby and trying to settle in for some rest, I decided that any future children…people owuld be notified on our terms and told when they could and could not come to visit.

I can understand his apprehension at the upcoming events, but I do think you could feel comfortable telling him that you feel very comfortable with your doc (or MW…whichever you have) and that he will be informed of baby’s arrival soon after, and that prayers are the best thing he can offer you.

Good luck! It sounds like your Dad cares very much for you.

 

[wanner47]

Sounds like your dad worried about his baby girl and it’s getting him worked up.

I would wait and call him until after the baby is born. If he’s hurt that you didn’t call beforehand, just say, “DH was so focused on helping me, and I was so focused on getting through contractions, that we didn’t call anyone until after Baby was born.”

In the meantime, just keep telling him that as long as your doctor isn’t worried, he shouldn’t be either, and anyway worrying won’t help anything.

Good luck!

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Your stepsisters are one thing, but you my dear journey, are his baby girl!:curtsey:

Ever heard of the line, “Gee Dad, everything happened so quickly, there just wasn’t time!” How about, “They wouldn’t let us take the phone in with us, too many germs.”

Congratulations.

 

[mommamia]

Your stepsisters are one thing, but you my dear journey, are his baby girl!:curtsey:

Ever heard of the line, “Gee Dad, everything happened so quickly, there just wasn’t time!” How about, “They wouldn’t let us take the phone in with us, too many germs.”

Congratulations.

Good answers. You know your dad best, only you can decide what is right.
When I had my first baby, we didn’t want to call anyone. BUT of course everyone got all upset and insisted we call as soon as labor started. I gave in, and instead of a nice focused labor with just dh and I, as I had wanted, I ended up having a bunch of people show up (well three or four, it seemed like alot) and was totally upset the whole time. It seemed like all I heard was them complaining to me to go ahead and get that epidural, why deal with the pain. It was way to hard for me to focus with all those people there, and of course as soon as the baby was born, after hours of overnight labor, they were all there.

With the next two babies, I got a friend I trusted to watch the other kids, and just didn’t call anyone until I felt like seeing them. I was home with #2 before I called anyone.

Yes there were some hurt feelings, but we tried to minimize them with the standard, “It was late and by the time it was morning, there just wasn’t time to call” and “I wasn’t thinking straight” and “We were in such a hurry we forgot the phone” kinda answers. It was a little harder with #3, since I had been in the hospital for a week before she was born, but we still managed to come up with some good excuses to try to not hurt feelings.

To answer your question In my experience it is better to just go along with them, and make excuses afterward.

 

[happymommy]

Should we be worried that we are telling her to lie about the birth of her child?
Just kidding!!

 

[jmcrae]

Should dh call and inform him we won’t be notifying him before the birth, should I call, should nobody call?

Just leave it. Don’t stir up trouble. Follow your plan.

If he calls, just tell him (again!) that you feel the need for privacy. If he persists, just say, “It’s not the zoo, Dad. You don’t get to watch.”

 

[SMHW]

If you feel you really ought to call your Dad then just tell him how touched you are that he is so concerned about you. *But don’t promise to call him when it’s time for the baby to be born! * If he pushes for that you just need to keep repeating some version of how much it means to you that he worries about you and avoid answering his question.

I don’t know if he’s Catholic and/or a religious person but if he asks you to call him when you go into labor you can always say, “Why Dad? Do plan to run to the nearest Church and pray before the Blessed Sacrament until the baby is born?”

 

[redtech]

Call him after the baby is born or as you start pushing.

As soon as he gets there and sees the beautiful new child, he will forget all about it!

 

[puzzleannie]

the best place for grandparents during labor and delivery and for a day or so afterward is about 200 miles away, says grandma of 9.

make your husband, birthing coach, doula, doctor, hospital staff and anybody else you can think of understand this when you check in, that nobody, absolutely nobody but your husband is allowed in until you personally give the okay.

your dad needs to chill, I am sure he loves you but you or your husband need to say, next time he calls, dad, if you try to manipulate me or lay a guilt trip on my I will hang up. I am following doctors orders and this is the way it is going to be. I will call you after the baby is delivered and let you know when they will allow you in to see us. take it or leave it.

if one of my daughters called me during delivery or after the early stages of labor when the good stuff starts, I would tell them hang up the d-- phone and get back to business. and sanitize your hand after you touched the phone, please.

 

[BlestOne]

the best place for grandparents during labor and delivery and for a day or so afterward is about 200 miles away, says grandma of 9.

make your husband, birthing coach, doula, doctor, hospital staff and anybody else you can think of understand this when you check in, that nobody, absolutely nobody but your husband is allowed in until you personally give the okay.

your dad needs to chill, I am sure he loves you but you or your husband need to say, next time he calls, dad, if you try to manipulate me or lay a guilt trip on my I will hang up. I am following doctors orders and this is the way it is going to be. I will call you after the baby is delivered and let you know when they will allow you in to see us. take it or leave it.

if one of my daughters called me during delivery or after the early stages of labor when the good stuff starts, I would tell them hang up the d-- phone and get back to business. and sanitize your hand after you touched the phone, please.

You crack me up!!! I understand that if you live near family this might be a problem, but I can tell you how much I wished somebody… anybody had cared to come visit when I had my kids. Sure I had co-workers and even some friends but I lived 15 hours away from the closest family… I even offered to buy my MIL a plane ticket… she declined only to take SIL up on her offer of the same a few months later.

I even told dh if I ever have another one… we had to be sure to invite MIL to be there since his ex told her no when dh’s dd was born and it hurt MIL’s feelings.

 

[happymommy]

You crack me up!!! I understand that if you live near family this might be a problem, but I can tell you how much I wished somebody… anybody had cared to come visit when I had my kids. Sure I had co-workers and even some friends but I lived 15 hours away from the closest family… I even offered to buy my MIL a plane ticket… she declined only to take SIL up on her offer of the same a few months later.

I even told dh if I ever have another one… we had to be sure to invite MIL to be there since his ex told her no when dh’s dd was born and it hurt MIL’s feelings.

We’ve had family there for all of them. They stood outside the door and waited. I made my mom leave the first time because she just sat there staring at me with this lost look on her face like I was dying. I couldn’t focus. But she was right outside the door and I think she was happier there too I wish she could have been there for our sons birth, but she died 3 months before.
I don’t mind people coming to see me either. I always like showing off my new babes! But everyone is different and you have to do what is best for you!
So I say, call your daddy when you are ready to have him there!

 

[journey137]

Thanks for all the replies everyone. It’s given me some options I didn’t consider. DH and I will talk it over and decide what to do after he’s read through this thread.