About to face my green-eyed monster

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JLCecilia

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We’re having a family get-together this weekend (which I’ve been DYING for, I LOVE DH’s family), but I’m going to have to face a situation which is hard for me. We have cousins our age who just moved back to this area and she got to quit work and stay home after their firstborn last year and the house they just bought is nicer than anything we ever hope to own. I am seething with envy.

I’m 33 weeks along w/ our 4th and still haven’t really accepted/embraced this pregnancy for reasons you can read in my other posts. So I’m ALREADY not looking forward to the prodding questions on that front, but I really don’t feel like chumming up with our cousin’s wife (who I would normally look forward to visiting with) b/c of my jealousy. I know, I know, I shouldn’t presume upon their situation, but the feelings are still there.

Jesus, help me to be thankful for the blessings you bestow upon others and work on my pride. Help me to be charitable.
 
You are in my prayers for a great visit that will be free of your jealous feelings. God grant you the ability to see His tremendous blessings in your life. And, don’t feel bad, we have all had that green-eyed monster in us sometime.
 
I think you need to ‘fake it til you make it’. In other words, act like you were NOT full of envy. Be charming and delightful. Ask the cousin how she likes staying at home. Ask her if it is a hard adjustment. Tell her how much you’d love to stay home if you could, too, and that you are so happy for her. And ask her about her house, how is it decorated, etc… In other words, stay focused on her. People usually like to talk about themselves.

When they ask you questions about your pregnancy, tell them how happy you are to have another child. If they ask you probing ‘none of your business’ questions, just ask them why they want to know. And then say ‘oh’, and change the subject.

And ask the Lord to give you peace.

Let us know how it goes.
 
Put yourself in her shoes. If you were your cousin, what would you’d hope you (in your position) would do? Think about this, too: what would you* not* expect? Finally, think about how someone in your place could act, feeling just as you do, that would give you cause to admire her for handling a rough situation well. Be realistic, and be charitable to all, including yourself. When you have compassion for yourself and yet hold yourself to what you ought to do, you might be surprised at how that opens your heart up. This is why, I think, the command is to love your neighbor* as *yourself. It takes some compassion for yourself in order to really give it to others without looking down on them.

I think some empathy both for her–you would obviously hope that she’d be happy for you, even if you have something she can’t have–and for yourself–you’d understand that pregnancy brings out some emotions that are difficult to tame–will help you out quite a bit.
 
Well, I would think acknowledging the problem is half of the solution. Obviously, being upset that your cousin has more money than you do is silly, especially if you enjoy being with your cousin normally. I think you should just keep telling yourself that your jealousy is silly and stop worrying about it. When you see your family, you will probably feel much happier.
 
I think you’ve gotten some very good answers. Here’s my two cents.

Four healthy, sound children are worth far more than any mansion, anywhere in the world. No bank account can make up for the loss of a precious child. No job, no material possession, can take the place of this enormous blessing.

I have a friend who has five children. She is presently in her late 50s, they are all “raised” at this point (adults). She lost her son at age 29 to bipolar illness. Even with the four children remaining and the grandchildren, this woman is suffering a sorrow you can’t imagine. I can. I lost my own daughter to mental illness.

The baby you carry is a very important person. He or she requires your total commitment and unconditional love. Thank God for this precious life. And remember something a lifetime has taught me: we cannot be “inside” another person and truly know what they are feeling, what is going on in their lives (regardless of appearances) and, most important, the condition of their souls and relationship with our Lord. He is blessing you. Bless her by your gracious treatment of her. This will help both of you and I pray you and your family remain healthy and happy.
 
ellzeena, you’re absolutely right. I’ve been offering up all of my struggles and frustrations and left-and-right health issues I’ve had w/ the pregnancy for my dear GF who is unable to get pregnant.

Allegra, I hope you’re right. I tend to over-analyze things and tense up beforehand and it normally turns out fine.

newf, yes, if I keep her in the spotlight it’ll keep me from confessing how unhappy and frustrated I’ve been. Def. not something I want to share with her - better to share w/ my GFs who can actually relate, and keep DH’s and my business out of the family gossip circle.

I’ll probably be too busy keeping up on the kids to sit and give anybody else my attn anyway. I’ve got to make this whole pro-life/NFP/vocation look good!
 
Whenever I feel envious or jealous, I try to remember that I cannot truly know what another person’s home life is like. Maybe to have that nice house and being able to stay at home brings along with it crippling debt. It’s easy to see what’s on the outside, and the mask they want you to see.
 
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The more wealth and assets in this Life we have acquired; the more we do not have any hope in seeing or being in Heaven (Jesus Scriptures); I am sorry not quoting The Apostles relevant Act; at present do not have time to look this up in His Bible.

I have just given away most of my possessions (a year ago) and donated heavily to the most impoverished Country on Earth; and I thank Jesus and Mother Mary for His Divine Loving Grace and Blessing in this Act in which He gave me the opportunity whilst giving me my “Daily Bread”.

You will be rewarded; if not here; in Everlasting Life up with Him!
 
newf said:
I think you need to ‘fake it til you make it’. In other words, act like you were NOT full of envy. Be charming and delightful. Ask the cousin how she likes staying at home. Ask her if it is a hard adjustment. Tell her how much you’d love to stay home if you could, too, and that you are so happy for her. And ask her about her house, how is it decorated, etc… In other words, stay focused on her. People usually like to talk about themselves.

When they ask you questions about your pregnancy, tell them how happy you are to have another child. If they ask you probing ‘none of your business’ questions, just ask them why they want to know. And then say ‘oh’, and change the subject.

And ask the Lord to give you peace.

Let us know how it goes.
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I like this advice. Yep, act the way you know you should, and your feelings will (eventually) fall into line too.

Also, and this goes for all of us, keep in mind that for everyone we are jealous of, there are people equally jealous of us. This is the nature of the human condition in which we constantly judge ourselves in comparison to others. For every person you envy for having a large house and being able to stay at home, there is someone who envies your larger family. For everyone you envy for having a nicer home than your do, there are countless people who would love just to have a stable roof over their heads. Don’t measure yourself against other people; only measure yourself against what God expects of you in your current circumstances.

As another poster said, acknowledging it is half the battle. I’m sure you’ll do fine!
 
We don’t have to be jealous. We can decide not to be jealous, not to give in to the feelings of jealousy. It’s a lesson to learn and takes practice. We all have gifts given by our heavenly Father. You must be thankful for the gifts He has blessed us with. These gifts are for you and you alone. He knows what you need. Be grateful for what God has done for other people in their lives. He also has blessed you. I would love to have had 4 children. I have a son. God answered my prayers and my husband and I adopted him. I thank God every day for this blessing. My son is married and has a Godly wife.
My first experience at jealousy came in 8th grade. There was a boy I admired in school
and I was sure he would ask me to the school dance. Right in front of me, he asked my best friend. Jealousy took over. Then I said, I am hurt, but I am not the one he wanted to take to the dance, so I am happy for Betty. From then on, I decided I would never be jealous again about anything. I am happy for the home I live in and know that not everyone lives in a mansion. Some were jealous of my best friends intelligence. She seemed to be the only one getting credit for her work. Passed over for promotion, I still could not be jealous. It is a promise I made to myself. And I appreciate all the blessings I do have and share with others. I will pray for you. God bless.
 
This post makes me smile a little…I’m green eyed jealous of women with four kids all with them on Earth – we have four as well, but two of our little girls passed away, one a stillbirth, and her twin at just a few days old. If I was at a family reunion with a mama with three kids, and one on the way, I’d be the one having to work really hard not to let jealousy get the best of me, and totally would not care who got to stay home, or had the nicer house.

Somewhere, another mama struggling with infertility, or babyloss, or never getting to get married feels the same way when looking at you – I guess try to think how you would want to be treated if someone was jealous of you.
 
Gwendolyn, I DID have a bit of that very experience this weekend. My BIL commented that he didn’t think I was done even after this one. I heard through the grapevine (DH) that he and his wife aren’t able to have children. This is not something they openly talk about, but if asked, joke it off. I was surprised he would even joke, knowing that DH has already decided on a vasectomy. Oh well, it did make me feel sorry for him a bit, though.

Thankfully everything went off without a hitch, as I knew it would. Thank you for all of the responses, thoughts and prayers. I’m sure it isn’t easy for others who MIGHT be jealous of me to listen to my complaining about the dilemma I’m having accepting this pregnancy.
 
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