Absolution Withheld

  • Thread starter Thread starter holyholyholy
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
H

holyholyholy

Guest
Just had a strange situation occur and could use some (name removed by moderator)ut. My boyfriend and I have been struggling with impurity and nearing fornication for some time; I have confessed it multiple times, and we keep falling into the same sins. I confessed this to a new priest today. After some inquiry, he stated that I needed to remove the occasion of sin (which I agree with), but then stated that the only way to do so would be to break up with my boyfriend for 3-6 months. And, until I break up with him, absolution would be withheld. He stated if any priest gave me absolution at this time, that priest would be committing a mortal sin.

My understanding of withholding absolution is that it can basically be done for two reasons: lack of contrition (which is not the case here, though my contrition may be imperfect rather than perfect), or the confessor’s refusal to make changes in the direction of discontinuing the sin. I 100% agree that I need to make some changes; however, to skip right to a breakup seems extreme. Not pray together, not fast from touch, no other options; just break up, or you’re not to be forgiven.

I guess my question is thus: is it sinful/disobedient of me to go to another priest, explain the situation honestly, and try to get a second opinion? Or am I truly faced with the option of breaking up with a man I’m nearly convinced I may be called to marry? Thank you and pray for me.
 
Last edited:
How old are you? Could you get married with him in a reasonable time frame?
 
holyholyholy said:
Just had a strange situation occur and could use some (name removed by moderator)ut. My boyfriend and I have been struggling with impurity and nearing fornication for some time; I have confessed it multiple times, and we keep falling into the same sins. I confessed this to a new priest today. After some inquiry, he stated that I needed to remove the occasion of sin (which I agree with), but then stated that the only way to do so would be to break up with my boyfriend for 3-6 months. And, until I break up with him, absolution would be withheld. He stated if any priest gave me absolution at this time, that priest would be committing a mortal sin.
Click to expand...
If you’re meant to marry your current boyfriend, a three-month total separation from him won’t derail the marriage, at worst it would only delay it.
 
Old enough (early-mid twenties), and it’s on the table for sure. We’ve discussed it quite a bit, and seem to be heading in that direction. But the issue at hand right now is that I’m acutely in a state of mortal sin (due to absolution being withheld) and I don’t know what to do haha
 
First discuss it with your boyfriend to make sure that you are both on the same page about big issues otherwise things will get only more complicated after marriage (how will you raise your kids? Will you use birth control? Will you ever accept abortion, for example if there are problems during pregnancy etc).
If both of you are on the same page, go back to the priest, do confession again and try both to live chastely until your marriage (hopefullu not years away!).
 
Last edited:
I mean, fair point, and I agree. But that’s not the issue at hand here, it’s whether I’ll be committing further sin by seeking out counsel from another priest
 
The priest I went to won’t accept this. I asked about a thousand different options besides the one he gave me (including what you’re suggesting) and he wasn’t open to others.
 
holyholyholy said:
Old enough (early-mid twenties), and it’s on the table for sure. We’ve discussed it quite a bit, and seem to be heading in that direction. But the issue at hand right now is that I’m acutely in a state of mortal sin (due to absolution being withheld) and I don’t know what to do haha
Click to expand...
I’ve never heard of such a situation. I would talk to your ordinary priest about your situation but I wouldn’t be trying to find a way around what the visiting/new priest said.
 
That seems quite unusual, particularly the specific timeframe given and the comment regarding other priests.

Could be a good idea to take the situation in its entirety to another priest and ask advice…?
 
very strange. Could you look into pre-marriage preparation classes in your Diocese and go from there?
 
That’s a very unique thing for priest to say isn’t it ! Ok. I would do it, then get back together and get engaged. If he knows you both, could it be that he is trying tactfully to help you avoid an unsuitable match? These things can be hard to discern when you’re in the middle of them. Is boyfriend Catholic ? If he is as serious about you as you are about him he will agree to the separation and prove it to you. I can’t see why a priest would withhold absolution unless he deemed it to be for your good, ie you are going all the time and haven’t changed your ways. Either way, take heed of this
 
Last edited:
Consider that in the confessional, one of the roles of the priest is as Christ the Physician (not only Judge).

So, on one hand, you could seek a different priest and repeat the same confession, without a word about the first result. See if you get absolution or different counsel. It would not be unlike getting a second medical opinion on an extreme diagnosis or treatment.
If it is the exact same (or fairly close), unprompted, I would pay close heed to the work of the Holy Spirit there.

On the other hand, acting as Divine Physician, perhaps it is imposing a difficult discipline on you both for the sake of a future marriage. Maybe one or both of you are developing really bad habits that will lead to a a decree of nullify should you attempt marriage, and maybe they can’t be remedied while you are an item.

Consider that show “My 600 Lb. Life.” Many of the patients are seeking stomach stapling and skin reduction surgery. The doctors will not do it until the patients can make serious sustainable progress on weight loss by diet and exercise alone. The lowered body mass lowers the risk during surgery, and the patients have demonstrated (mostly to themselves) a lifestyle transformation that is assisted by (but not caused by) the stapling. Without that transformation and support system, the procedure outcomes will fail.

Maybe this withholding of absolution on condition of a (temporary?) breakup is the therapeutic discipline needed for a future marriage outcome to not fail.
 
Dead on. I have had a variation of the same message almost every time I’ve confessed over the last year or so. I mentioned that to one priest and he said ‘well either it’s random or… ‘
 
@holyholyholy always try to remember that the priest wants your highest good. He will not tell you something that will harm you. He is representing Jesus
 
Thank you for this assessment. I’ll pray about it and speak to my boyfriend. So you don’t think it would be sinful to discuss with another priest? It just seemed so abrupt coming from a priest who doesn’t know me or my journey at all, and it took be aback.
 
I know! Thank you for the comments and wisdom. I don’t think this will harm me; it’s just very out of left field and I’m struggling to understand where he’s coming from.
 
Honestly, my first reaction was to be shocked by this. But without you going into details that should not be discussed here, perhaps he gave you wise counsel.

If he doesn’t know you at all, however, I would think it perfectly fine to set up an appointment with a priest you do know and to discuss the situation with him. Perhaps he will also tell you a break-up would be a good thing. Or maybe he’ll have different counsel. Either way, he could give you his opinion about whether talking with him was sinful, as you ask above.

Point is, this is a situation in which a bunch of internet strangers can’t really be of much help. My opinion is that it is never a bad thing to have a discussion with a priest you know about something that is troubling your heart and your walk with Christ.

Perhaps @edward_george1 could chime in here.
 
Last edited:
holyholyholy said:
am I truly faced with the option of breaking up with a man I’m nearly convinced I may be called to marry?
Click to expand...
If you’re convinced you’re going to marry him aka spend the rest of your life with him, then breaking up for a few months won’t harm your relationship, but it will get it onto the right track which is important if you’re anticipating a life long holy marriage.

Ultimately, you get to decide to obey or disobey your Father’s specific instruction.

When my children don’t like what their Dad tells them and they come to me for a different answer, they don’t get a different answer, I back up their father and visa versa. I’d imagine priests are the same. Priests are tasked with watching out for your best interests in light of eternity. It’s their grave responsibility. Respect.
 
Last edited:
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top