abstaining during marriage

[kittyplant]

if you are married and youre using nfp to avoid pregnancy ( or abstaining for whatever reason) does abstaining mean you cant hug, kiss, cuddle or touch each other? if youre not to have sex for whatever reason does that mean you should sleep separately?

 

[pensmama87]

It’s certainly not sinful for married couples to do any of those things; however, if those things tend to make it very hard for you to resist “what can come next,” and you are determined to abstain, it may not be prudent.

It varies by couple and by situation.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

It would be wrong to get yourself so worked up by kissing and touching and not finish the act, but I see nothing wrong with chaste kisses, a kiss and a hug when you get home from work, a good night kiss and cuddling before you fall asleep, etc.

Hubby and I don’t practice NFP the whole can’t have kids thing makes it to where it’s pointless. Um, we don’t have sex every night, though and we can go weeks with no sex. We still sleep in the same bed. Why would you think this is wrong?

 

[Ms_Manners]

My husband and I abstained completely for a while, it would have made things very difficult if we had kids then. Now we are on NFP.
But we hugged and kissed, just didn’t get to the point of arousal, just like we do now during fertile days since we are avoiding pregnancy. You can cuddle, hug, kiss, you can have a massage (just not a “massage” ) if you like them. (For me they help with some health issues.)
Intimacy is not built just through intercourse, you need everyday physical contact to feel close to your husband. (That is part of the problem with long distance marriages.)
I think couples who have intercourse every single night or every time they hug are pretty rare.

If you avoid any kind of intimacy or physical contact, soon you will have a much bigger problem than the lack of intercourse itself.

 

[kittyplant]

It would be wrong to get yourself so worked up by kissing and touching and not finish the act, but I see nothing wrong with chaste kisses, a kiss and a hug when you get home from work, a good night kiss and cuddling before you fall asleep, etc.

Hubby and I don’t practice NFP the whole can’t have kids thing makes it to where it’s pointless. Um, we don’t have sex every night, though and we can go weeks with no sex. We still sleep in the same bed. Why would you think this is wrong?

i have googled and googled sex in marriage and chastity in marriage and the impression it gave me was that every bit of sexuality had to end in intercourse. and if you cant do that it seems sleeping in same bed would be occassion of sin. i don’t know.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

i have googled and googled sex in marriage and chastity in marriage and the impression it gave me was that every bit of sexuality had to end in intercourse.

Yeah, you can’t make out, become aroused, and just stop…on purpose. Like, if you intended to arouse your spouse just to roll over and go to sleep would be wrong. If you intended to arouse your spouse and you are in the middle of foreplay and junior busts into the room with vomit all over him, it is fine to stop.
Giving your husband a kiss when he walks in the house or him rubbing your feet on the couch while watching TV doesn’t have to lead to sex.
Giving your husband a kiss when he walks in doesn’t mean that you have to go all the way. Wow, that would be a lot of sex or no contact at all.

 

[maryjk]

If you avoid any kind of intimacy or physical contact, soon you will have a much bigger problem than the lack of intercourse itself.

My husband and I have gone through many periods of abstinence. Throughout our marriage. Some just a month or two, some times that lasted many months. Even right now, we are day 20 of abstaining, without an end in sight.

And if during those times, we never touched, our marriage would have suffered greatly. In fact, we do just the opposite. During the times we have need to abstain, we touch more. We hold hands while watching TV. We fall asleep with my head on his shoulder. We make sure to sit next to each other.

i have googled and googled sex in marriage and chastity in marriage and the impression it gave me was that every bit of sexuality had to end in intercourse. and if you cant do that it seems sleeping in same bed would be occasion of sin. i don’t know.

Maybe it comes from how you define “sexuality.” A kiss, a cuddle or a hug isn’t sexuality. Touching my husband’s arm as I am talking or making a point, isn’t sexuality. It is keeping the connection to our marriage, our vows.

 

[pianistclare]

My husband and I have gone through many periods of abstinence. Throughout our marriage. Some just a month or two, some times that lasted many months. Even right now, we are day 20 of abstaining, without an end in sight.

And if during those times, we never touched, our marriage would have suffered greatly. In fact, we do just the opposite. During the times we have need to abstain, we touch more. We hold hands while watching TV. We fall asleep with my head on his shoulder. We make sure to sit next to each other.

Maybe it comes from how you define “sexuality.” A kiss, a cuddle or a hug isn’t sexuality. Touching my husband’s arm as I am talking or making a point, isn’t sexuality. It is keeping the connection to our marriage, our vows.

Yes. The Op should take care not do develop a disordered view of marital intimacy. This can lead to big problems.
Affection is what we are talking about. Affection and sexual activity are two separate issues.

 

[kittyplant]

Yes. The Op should take care not do develop a disordered view of marital intimacy. This can lead to big problems.
Affection is what we are talking about. Affection and sexual activity are two separate issues.

for me theyre not very different. affection easily (and often) leads to other stuff… i’m not saying who’s right or wrong i’m just saying for me personally they dont feel too different. after all you have sex because of love and affection. same reason you rest your head on his shoulder…

 

[kittyplant]

My husband and I have gone through many periods of abstinence. Throughout our marriage. Some just a month or two, some times that lasted many months. Even right now, we are day 20 of abstaining, without an end in sight.

And if during those times, we never touched, our marriage would have suffered greatly. In fact, we do just the opposite. During the times we have need to abstain, we touch more. We hold hands while watching TV. We fall asleep with my head on his shoulder. We make sure to sit next to each other.

Maybe it comes from how you define “sexuality.” A kiss, a cuddle or a hug isn’t sexuality. Touching my husband’s arm as I am talking or making a point, isn’t sexuality. It is keeping the connection to our marriage, our vows.

i guess what i am really getting at is during a time of abstinence can you kiss and cuddle in bed and i think you guys are saying yes but dont take it up to a certain level ( which sounds hard?)

 

[kittyplant]

for me theyre not very different. affection easily (and often) leads to other stuff… i’m not saying who’s right or wrong i’m just saying for me personally they dont feel too different. after all you have sex because of love and affection. same reason you rest your head on his shoulder…

actually scratch that i am saying whos right or wrong. affection and sexuality are not separate issues. youre using your body to express affection that is sexulaity even if it’s with your relatives or children. i think you mean being affectionate doesnt always have to lead to sex but no theyre not separate issues.

 

[kittyplant]

My husband and I have gone through many periods of abstinence. Throughout our marriage. Some just a month or two, some times that lasted many months. Even right now, we are day 20 of abstaining, without an end in sight.

And if during those times, we never touched, our marriage would have suffered greatly. In fact, we do just the opposite. During the times we have need to abstain, we touch more. We hold hands while watching TV. We fall asleep with my head on his shoulder. We make sure to sit next to each other.

Maybe it comes from how you define “sexuality.” A kiss, a cuddle or a hug isn’t sexuality. Touching my husband’s arm as I am talking or making a point, isn’t sexuality. It is keeping the connection to our marriage, our vows.

technically a kiss or cuddle is sexuality because you are expressing love with your body. it’s considered a sin if i kiss or cuddle my boyfriend bc we’re not married and that is intimate contact.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Wow. Go talk to your priest.

 

[Colorad007]

What’s so hard about it? If you’re in a period of abstinence and cuddling in bed gets you too revved up then don’t do it. If what you’re doing is causing arousal, then that is a good sign that you either ought to finish the act in intercourse or simply stop what you’re doing. So, for example, touching each other’s private parts is most likely something that you should not be doing unless you intend on finishing in intercourse. There is a line between affection and actual foreplay, and arousal is usually a good indication of that line. You need to communicate extensively with your spouse about where that line is.

 

[Colorad007]

technically a kiss or cuddle is sexuality because you are expressing love with your body. it’s considered a sin if i kiss or cuddle my boyfriend bc we’re not married and that is intimate contact.

What you are saying makes sense, but it isn’t the same thing as setting boundaries with your boyfriend. And once you are married I think you’ll sense the difference pretty easily.

 

[kittyplant]

Wow. Go talk to your priest.

ok, first of all why the nasty sarcastic tone? your answer was the most clear cut answer. i was replying to pianistclare’s ridiculous claim that affection and sexuality are not related and i’m pretty positive that it is from priests and catholic media where i have heard the general line “our sexuality is good because through our bodies we express love to our families” etc

 

[KendraDZ1902]

ok, first of all why the nasty sarcastic tone? your answer was the most clear cut answer. i was replying to pianistclare’s ridiculous claim that affection and sexuality are not related and i’m pretty positive that it is from priests and catholic media where i have heard the general line “our sexuality is good because through our bodies we express love to our families” etc

I wasn’t being nasty or sarcastic. If you can’t discern the difference between affection and sexual contact, you should go talk to your priest. Hugging your mom or cuddling with your dog isn’t sexual, it is just affection…I hope.

 

[kittyplant]

What’s so hard about it? If you’re in a period of abstinence and cuddling in bed gets you too revved up then don’t do it. If what you’re doing is causing arousal, then that is a good sign that you either ought to finish the act in intercourse or simply stop what you’re doing. So, for example, touching each other’s private parts is most likely something that you should not be doing unless you intend on finishing in intercourse. There is a line between affection and actual foreplay, and arousal is usually a good indication of that line. You need to communicate extensively with your spouse about where that line is.

ok, thank you. the “communication” part was the missing link for me. it’s something that needs to be worked out, i suppose. it’s hard because some catholics can be very rigid and logical (like st. alphonsus) so sin can seem very black or white to me sometimes…

 

[Kelfa28]

I think this is a personal decision that is between you, your husband and God.

Abstaining is difficult. My husband and I have tried to abstain…with somewhat mixed results that have ended up with both of us going to confession and me winding up pregnant at a time we were hoping to wait.

My husband and I know what is considered too far for us. I think it’s different for every single couple and every single marriage.

I think it would be too difficult and I would be going too far into details with our intimacy to describe what constitutes as “too far” for us.

I can say that I believe we can kiss each other, sleep in the same bed, cuddle on the couch while watching TV, give each other back rubs…as long as the intentions are just to connect and maintain a baseline of physical intimacy that we crave as a married couple.

I know my love language is physical touch from my husband. If I didn’t recieve any physical affection due to fear of taking it too far…we wouldn’t be feeding our marriage.

 

[kittyplant]

I wasn’t being nasty or sarcastic. If you can’t discern the difference between affection and sexual contact, you should go talk to your priest. Hugging your mom or cuddling with your dog isn’t sexual, it is just affection…I hope.

ok, sorry. i get what you mean i’m just saying they are related.