Abstinance (convincing a friend...)

  • Thread starter Thread starter Flamingo
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
F

Flamingo

Guest
…not to have sex.

I am so torn about this right now! For starters, I’m in highschool. I have a good male friend of mine. He’s one of those people that I care about so much and just want the absolute best for.
However, he’s about to start dating this girl…I just feel that things will end in something that he’ll regret later. He’s already spoken about how he’s ok with having sex before marriage (something he never would have said before meeting this girl!). He is loosly a Catholic, though he doesn’t attend Church regularly among other things.

I just really really feel the need to talk to him about this. I know that it might not necessarily be my place to step and say -Hey, I think you need to think about this some more…- and I know that he could react badly to it. However, this is a cause that I feel so strongly about that I’m willing to put my friendship with him on the line. If he decides to wait to have sex and there’s dents in our friendship it’s ok with me.

I suppose that what I’m asking is for ways to approach this subject that would make abstinance the most appealing and hopefully ultimately get him to change his mind about having sex. :confused:
I’m just really torn about this right now so I’m not sure if that makes any sense.
 
Well…since you say he may react badly to it. Why not try to subtley bring it up in conversation in an indirect manner. Make comments on how other people you know have had premarital sex and it turned out really badly. Maybe you both know someone who has an STD, or talk about how something like 1 in 4 teenage girls have HPV.

There are many ways to bring the topic up without flat out telling him he is wrong or making it sound like you are telling him how to live his life.

You can also try to get the two of them out together in groups with you and others. This way they are alone less and there is less time for ‘temptation’ for lack of a better term.

If you feel like none of that is working, then you can move to a more direct/head on approach and have a serious discussion with him about it. If he is truly your friend, he will respect your opinion whether he agrees or not.

I didn’t list any religious arguments in the aforementioned post because you said he is loosely Catholic and doesn’t attend church.
 
Although I believe Jay has come up with some great ideas to approaching the topic, there is a different approach that my brother would do when his friends were in rough times of drinking or other vices in high school - bring them to Church.

You say he is ‘loosely’ Catholic, well try taking some slack off the line and reeling him in! When I’ve wanted friends, especially in college, to start attending Mass with me, I would offer up plans of going to Church and then leaving from there to go do something (eat, coffee, movie, etc). This offers some safety because it isn’t confronting the abstinence head on–therefore it can’t turn into “You’re just jealous of her” or something to that effect.

In the long run, it isn’t even about changing his mind in regards to a girl, it’s about changing his heart, and if you can get him to turn his heart to Christ, then he should be just fine.
 
I once had a friend who was well sleeping around. I basically instead of telling her what was right and wrong I told her how chastity prior to marriage had made my dh’s an my relationship stronger after marriage. Granted you are not married but if you are dating you could tell your frend things such as break ups were hard but not as difficult because you had not given your spirit over by the act of sex. Such things can help when you talk about your experiences instead of pointing a finger or at least give a perception of pointing a finger. Good luck and God bless you for caring about your friends.
 
Mumbles140 said:
You say he is ‘loosely’ Catholic, well try taking some slack off the line and reeling him in! When I’ve wanted friends, especially in college, to start attending Mass with me, I would offer up plans of going to Church and then leaving from there to go do something (eat, coffee, movie, etc). This offers some safety because it isn’t confronting the abstinence head on–therefore it can’t turn into “You’re just jealous of her” or something to that effect.

In the long run, it isn’t even about changing his mind in regards to a girl, it’s about changing his heart, and if you can get him to turn his heart to Christ, then he should be just fine.
Click to expand...
Very good point. Coupling church with other activities also helps in bringing people back in or getting them to get back into the habit of going more and potentially strengthing their values. It always more appealing if you (and some friends) are going to go to brunch afterwards or something along those lines.

Speaking from a personal standpoint…I’m not married and I have remained abstinent for almost 28 years now. Its difficult, but I am still happy I am waiting and I feel it is one of the best (continual) decisions I have made.
 
Don’t overestimate your influence on other people’s lives. But maybe the best approach would be scaring him with STD’s and pregnancy. Pictures of HPV and herpes are pretty sickening if you want to go that route. You also don’t have to be obvious about preaching to him, you can just show him pictures and tell him how sick they are and how you’re afraid to have sex because of it. Be sneaky about it. If you preach at him, it won’t work.

I don’t believe that premarital sex is wrong, but the prevalence of HPV/herpes, and their incurability pretty much guarantees that I will never have a one night stand no matter how attractive the man was. It’s just not worth the risk.
 
I’m 20, and I have friends like yours, and I understand what you mean.

Man, don’t go the route of trying to scare them with STD’s. Seriously. It comes off as patronising and you look like a school teacher. I used to have those talks and in fact they made me angry more than anything. They don’t work. Firstly, I mean, come on, telling a guy not to sleep with his chick incase of getting infected is saying “dude your chick is dirty” and he aint gonna dig that! Secondly, he’ll just say, “no ways, my girl is clean, its all good, we can have sex”. Everyone has been told the HIV/AIDS story a million times. And while it is something to be concerned about, and one must always have it in the back of ones mind, I think it kind of tackles the issue in a lazy way by using a scare tactic. And high school kids, in fact anyone, don’t respond well to that.

I’m gonna tell you something you aren’t gonna like. There is nothing you can do or say. NOTHING. If this guy is loosely Catholic, there is a 2% chance maybe. But man, sorry, I’m being brutally honest.

Firstly, when one is passionate and feels the loins are on fire with the love of a girlfriend or a hot girl, as a teenage boy there is nothing that will stop you from having your way with her. Not your friend, not your mom or dad, not scare tactics. The only way to do it is to use the Church and her teachings - but if that means nothing to that person then what will they care? They won’t care. It’s a kind of moral relativism; the curse of our generation.

For me, I learnt through the Church why pre-marital sex is wrong, why discipline is important, and why waiting for the one you love is important (although, along the way, I have screwed up once or twice). But through the Church I came to my own love of chastity. And now I can reason it to myself. But I know that if I told my friends (and I have, many times) what I know and believe, they won’t give two hoots. And why should they? For secular people in a non-religious or even pseudo-religious life disciplines such as chastity mean nothing (until its too late and they regret…).

I’m speaking from my own experience, and my own knowledge of people my age. I hope I am wrong, and that you can get through to your buddy. Every person is different, and it depends on your relationship etc, so maybe. But don’t count on it. Sex is the most powerful weapon of the media and of actually everything and everybody. It takes a strong person to shun it, and lucky for most of us Christ gives us that strength.
 
NewsTheMan said:
I’m 20, and I have friends like yours, and I understand what you mean.

Man, don’t go the route of trying to scare them with STD’s. Seriously. It comes off as patronising and you look like a school teacher. I used to have those talks and in fact they made me angry more than anything. They don’t work. Firstly, I mean, come on, telling a guy not to sleep with his chick incase of getting infected is saying “dude your chick is dirty” and he aint gonna dig that! Secondly, he’ll just say, “no ways, my girl is clean, its all good, we can have sex”. Everyone has been told the HIV/AIDS story a million times. And while it is something to be concerned about, and one must always have it in the back of ones mind, I think it kind of tackles the issue in a lazy way by using a scare tactic. And high school kids, in fact anyone, don’t respond well to that.

I’m gonna tell you something you aren’t gonna like. There is nothing you can do or say. NOTHING. If this guy is loosely Catholic, there is a 2% chance maybe. But man, sorry, I’m being brutally honest.

Firstly, when one is passionate and feels the loins are on fire with the love of a girlfriend or a hot girl, as a teenage boy there is nothing that will stop you from having your way with her. Not your friend, not your mom or dad, not scare tactics. The only way to do it is to use the Church and her teachings - but if that means nothing to that person then what will they care? They won’t care. It’s a kind of moral relativism; the curse of our generation.

For me, I learnt through the Church why pre-marital sex is wrong, why discipline is important, and why waiting for the one you love is important (although, along the way, I have screwed up once or twice). But through the Church I came to my own love of chastity. And now I can reason it to myself. But I know that if I told my friends (and I have, many times) what I know and believe, they won’t give two hoots. And why should they? For secular people in a non-religious or even pseudo-religious life disciplines such as chastity mean nothing (until its too late and they regret…).

I’m speaking from my own experience, and my own knowledge of people my age. I hope I am wrong, and that you can get through to your buddy. Every person is different, and it depends on your relationship etc, so maybe. But don’t count on it. Sex is the most powerful weapon of the media and of actually everything and everybody. It takes a strong person to shun it, and lucky for most of us Christ gives us that strength.
Click to expand...
This is a good point. I am saying you should still talk to your friend before hand. But after the relationship breaks up and he gets his heart smashed a bit as it is high school might be a good time to also talk to him about the healing power of Reconciliation and God and Eucharist.
 
NewsTheMan said:
Man, don’t go the route of trying to scare them with STD’s.
Click to expand...
:thumbsup:That’s exactly what I was going to say.
I recently heard a great conference about “educating our children about Love and Sexuality” (that’s an aspect that is very stressful to us, especially to DH, so we thought it wouldn’t harm to have some clues about it looooong before we even were confronted to this matter), and they emphasized how the “hygienic” stance on sexuality just has NOTHING to do with what teenagers / young people want / need / are able to hear. Scaring them about sexuality does not bring anything.🤷
What they need is to be proposed something better, something which has a meaning, something they can aspire to deep in their heart. Nobody will “aspire deep in his heart” that she/he will never get AIDS.
But everybody, and above all teenagers, are desperate about finding somebody who will truly love them.
Explaining :
  • How one’s body and mind are deeply intertwined, so that once you give over your body to somebody, there is a bit of you that will ever remain with that somebody (some explanations about the hormons at work during sex may be great in this respect, for example: the hormons released have a bonding effect, and it seems that especially those released during the “first time”).
  • That it is something wonderful to be able to give oneself truly, wholly, and to know that all these mechanisms will only serve to strengthen a lifelong complicity and love.
  • That “learning” sex together can be something hard, which is why it is very important to be in a stable, committed relationship where both are able to “learn” at their own rythm without fear of being dumped for lack of “performance”, but instead can look back at their “first steps” together with twinkers in their eyes.
I am with joandarc on the fact that it is much easier to explain if you can give your own example (or at least give the example of somebody you know very well) on how having waited till marriage was a wonderful experience. I can say that my own stance on it got suddenly much more powerful when I got together with my nowDH. (in this respect, one “good” example, namely of people who succesfully waited, will be 1000x more useful than 10 “bad” examples of people who didn’t wait and got into difficult situations. Remember: think positive, a teenager will always think “it failed THEM, but it would NEVER happen to me”)

And, last point: telling “don’t have sex before marriage” is not enough. You have to propose an alternative: what shall they do instead of having sex ? Thus explain how in a relationship, learning to communicate is very important (and that often, sex at that stage becomes a means of “forgetting” the potential problems instead of working at solving them), so that as a young couple, you have to dedicate your time to fostering as many occasions as possible to communicate and discover more about each other: go to places, go to museums, walk, meet people, read books, listen to music, and share the feelings each of these experiences awaken in each people => learn about each other’s differences, and learn to marvel at them !
That will keep them busy.:rolleyes:

aaaand : at a time where “sexual performance” is presented as an ideal, explaining how
  • a succesful sex life really depends on their communication skills (and not on any technical aspect)
  • a couple’s sex becomes better and better year after year provided their communication functions
    => putting “learning to communicate” first now will enable them to have better sex lives… later:p
 
Everyone made good points!

Like Joandarc said… Well thats actually very good advice. I know my own suffering after a relationship brought me to where I am now. Sometimes it takes a heartbreak and it takes a little smashing of dreams, a little realisation that actually yeah God is the boss and we should really listen to him :rolleyes:

I think that unless the parents are reallllly good parents and brought their child up really well, most if not all attempts at the sexuality thing fail badly. And I have no idea why. I have some theories, but nothing concrete. Moral relativism and absolutely NO discipline are the biggest ones, which leads into the whole thing about not looking to the future enough. What gets me the most is that, in the future, I don’t want to disrespect my future wife. And not only that, but I’ll get respect for having discipline. I am lucky in a certain respect in that my household was built around discipline of the body (which I took on) and could apply. Its all about discipline at first, until you come to the realisation that chastity is not a suffering but merely a crown of triumph.
 
Thanks everyone for all the helpful responses. I really do appreciate them all. I’m not 100% sure if I am going to bring it up with him. I think I might just bring it up casually in conversation. Not sure when and not sure how, but I care about him deeply and want him to make good decisions.
I’ve been praying for him like crazy as have many of our dear friends.

Just throwing this one out there, if anybody older than me ever has any questions about what it’s really like in highschool and being a teenager in today’s world feel free to ask!
 
NewsTheMan said:
I’m 20, and I have friends like yours, and I understand what you mean.

Man, don’t go the route of trying to scare them with STD’s. Seriously. It comes off as patronising and you look like a school teacher. I used to have those talks and in fact they made me angry more than anything. They don’t work. Firstly, I mean, come on, telling a guy not to sleep with his chick incase of getting infected is saying “dude your chick is dirty” and he aint gonna dig that! Secondly, he’ll just say, “no ways, my girl is clean, its all good, we can have sex”. Everyone has been told the HIV/AIDS story a million times. And while it is something to be concerned about, and one must always have it in the back of ones mind, I think it kind of tackles the issue in a lazy way by using a scare tactic. And high school kids, in fact anyone, don’t respond well to that.
Click to expand...
This is why they should volunteer at a AIDs hospice, it worked on me, and has with others. A picture is worth a 1000 words.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top