Abstinence and temptations in marriage

  • Thread starter Thread starter Pomme
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
P

Pomme

Guest
My husband told me a long time ago he has always had struggle with purity and especially with Internet.I don’t know more.He is generous,wants to wait postpartum (we have lots of children and I breastfeed with high and erratic fertility during breastfeeding I also homeschool and we always have to move for jobs.)He is a great provider and best friend.But he seems to miss communion and has to go to confession a lot during times when we have to abstain:so he wants but can’t.I am going crazy whether or not I should be available all the time even breastfeeding when we would need most to space children because I am recovering+breastfeeding+dieting+exercising+homeschooling 5 kids in addition of having 2,soon 3 babies, small and close in age.I am always back to my normal size and appearance for his sake and mine.I feel I can’t keep up if we keep having babies despite of some months of abstinence-we should do more, but he struggles already with what we do.Me too by the way,but only tempted with his body,not pictures or whatever of other men’s bodies!I don’t even know exactly what he struggles with but abstinence does it .Should I be available all the time exept when the doctor says no- 6 weeks postpartum and have many more children than we can educate/feed/clothe?Or should we do what we think is right in conscience for the children,but knowing that we will sin(we don’t want to but we do:he with purity,I with loosing hope and faith ).Thank you for helping me,I am fearing postpartum depression over the feeling of betrayal and hopelessness.
 
Pomme said:
My husband told me a long time ago he has always had struggle with purity and especially with Internet.I don’t know more.He is generous,wants to wait postpartum (we have lots of children and I breastfeed with high and erratic fertility during breastfeeding I also homeschool and we always have to move for jobs.)He is a great provider and best friend.But he seems to miss communion and has to go to confession a lot during times when we have to abstain:so he wants but can’t.I am going crazy whether or not I should be available all the time even breastfeeding when we would need most to space children because I am recovering+breastfeeding+dieting+exercising+homeschooling 5 kids in addition of having 2,soon 3 babies, small and close in age.I am always back to my normal size and appearance for his sake and mine.I feel I can’t keep up if we keep having babies despite of some months of abstinence-we should do more, but he struggles already with what we do.Me too by the way,but only tempted with his body,not pictures or whatever of other men’s bodies!I don’t even know exactly what he struggles with but abstinence does it .Should I be available all the time exept when the doctor says no- 6 weeks postpartum and have many more children than we can educate/feed/clothe?Or should we do what we think is right in conscience for the children,but knowing that we will sin(we don’t want to but we do:he with purity,I with loosing hope and faith ).Thank you for helping me,I am fearing postpartum depression over the feeling of betrayal and hopelessness.
Click to expand...
From what it sounds like, I’d say he has issues with masturbation and internet porn.

I think it would be a good idea to be as available to him as you can (to help with the temptation), but at the same time, he needs to be counseling with a priest weekly or bi weekly about his issues.

If both are done simultaneously, I think it would greatly improve the problem.

Also, you need to talk to him about all this, of course. Be very open, and try to get him to be very open with you as well.
 
You and husband need help Asap go and see your Priest to find out what programs and options are in your area. Prehaps a sexual addiction group and NFP group along with postpartum treatment. You have alot going on and a few comments here will not solve all these issues. Please seek help I personally would start with a apointment with my parish Priest. God bless you and your family.
 
Debora123 said:
From what it sounds like, I’d say he has issues with masturbation and internet porn.

I think it would be a good idea to be as available to him as you can (to help with the temptation), but at the same time, he needs to be counseling with a priest weekly or bi weekly about his issues.

If both are done simultaneously, I think it would greatly improve the problem.

Also, you need to talk to him about all this, of course. Be very open, and try to get him to be very open with you as well.
Click to expand...
You know, after thinking this through a little longer, I’m not sure I’d agree with my advice on “making yourself as available as possible…”

Because you are right, this would mean many more children, and you already have 8. I’m not sure what your situation is, and # of children is something that is always between the couple and God. I don’t want to impose by saying “have more” or vice versa.

If you DO decide to start avoiding children now though, definitely make yourself as available as you can during the non fertile time.
 
I would suggest the audio CD “Taking Down Goliath: Five Strategies To Get Porn Out Of Your Life.” It is available through Catholic Answers and has a lot of good information on it. I would also suggest e5men.
Does your computer have an internet filter? If he has a phone with internet access, a filter can be placed on it too. x3watch.com is a good accountability program as it tracks where you go and sends your accountability partner an email if you go someplace you shouldn’t.

God be with you and yours.
 
Thank you this is such a relief I have been having a hard time recently.It’s not 8 but 7 kids I made a mistake-but it doesn’t change the problem.
I talked to him in an email asking what it is and how often he said not to worry,he doesn’t want to answer questions.I know it’s not an habitual problem but occasionnal,when times are tough like abstinence.We don’t trust NFP anymore during breastfeeding this is why we opted for as much abstinence as we can,but by the 7th I dread all the struggle I have with being available up to a certain point+feeling betrayed when my efforts don’t seem to be enough.He looks sad since the emails and so I am ,I know he is not succumbing often at all but more when we can’t be “free”,which would be logical.So I feel like I am being unfair,asking a confession,which he does already with the priest,but he told me something vague that now haunts me all my life!He obviously doesn’t want to lie and I am afraid to push him to.He is very honest but I guess very afraid to loose my admiration for him-which I really have even with his struggles:I don’t mind struggling at all,I am upset with the lost battles though of course.I don’t know what to do,he already sees the priest in bad times since he goes to confession,is already a good husband ,it’s me who can’t live with a legitimate amount of secrecy I guess,and not knowing what to do as a wife.Maybe I should try again w NFP all the time even if we don’t trust it during breastfeeding,and accept another baby sooner than we thought(now I know that’s what happens;-) almost every time.
He would be crushed if I talk about counselling,and take it as a failure,when I can sense he is doing lots of efforts.It’s that vagueness that kills me and makes me very Insecure.And the fact that I am not enough.I told him by email to avoid freaking him out with seeing my emotions like the first time,he is still digesting and nothing happens.Thank you for helping me making sense or my role
 
Pomme said:
He would be crushed if I talk about counselling,and take it as a failure,when I can sense he is doing lots of efforts.It’s that vagueness that kills me and makes me very Insecure.**And the fact that I am not enough.**I told him by email to avoid freaking him out with seeing my emotions like the first time,he is still digesting and nothing happens.Thank you for helping me making sense or my role
Click to expand...
Oh you are. I cannot believe that a man who has a wife and 7 children so effectively tries to destroy that by undermining the self-worth of the woman he says he loves.
He doesn’t wanna do therapy ?
He should. He is the one who is cheating on you.
Porn is a disastrous business that destroys millions of lives world wide. Many of the women in it are actually slaves. Most women in the business are stoned in order to do the things they do… Anyone who uses these services, whether they like it or not, are enabling the continuous degradation of people who have most often been molested in childhood (most girls in that business have, and are adddicts risking all kinds of stds etc.)
Porn is one of the number one killers of marriages today precisely because the cheated partners feel they are not good enough.
Doing therapy seems a little thing to ask…
You seem to take it all rather cool.
I’d say you watch “Fireproof” and your husband chooses to be like the guy in that movie or you consider if you wanna continue living with him. The children shouldn’t grow up in a house where they might stumble onto prostitution.

Sorry, there is no sugar coating it. Precisely because he has a loving wife who works her butt off to be a good Catholic wife and he has 7 children I really don’t have that much sympathy …
 
Hello thanks for supporting me in different ways!
Remember I don’t know exactly what’s going on,it happens not often,more when we can’t be intimate for reasons he agrees with.So he is weak for sure but never wants to hurt me(he shows it in all area).He knows I feel hurt and is ashamed and hopeless I can tell.But weak,although stronger than years ago.We don’t have Internet,TV,he bought himself a regular phone and bought ME an iPhone so I can shop,do all the practical stuff(and now this!)So there are Internet at work,magazines I guess and TV in hotels for work trips(not often).I think that+my “avaibility”(not forced!😉 helped,and the sacraments.
My own struggle is stronger as I have more children and I know what happens everytime.I feel like I am not enough in times of abstinence
 
Pomme said:
Thank you this is such a relief I have been having a hard time recently.It’s not 8 but 7 kids I made a mistake-but it doesn’t change the problem.
I talked to him in an email asking what it is and how often he said not to worry,he doesn’t want to answer questions.I know it’s not an habitual problem but occasionnal,when times are tough like abstinence.We don’t trust NFP anymore during breastfeeding this is why we opted for as much abstinence as we can,but by the 7th I dread all the struggle I have with being available up to a certain point+feeling betrayed when my efforts don’t seem to be enough.He looks sad since the emails and so I am ,I know he is not succumbing often at all but more when we can’t be “free”,which would be logical.So I feel like I am being unfair,asking a confession,which he does already with the priest,but he told me something vague that now haunts me all my life!He obviously doesn’t want to lie and I am afraid to push him to.He is very honest but I guess very afraid to loose my admiration for him-which I really have even with his struggles:I don’t mind struggling at all,I am upset with the lost battles though of course.I don’t know what to do,he already sees the priest in bad times since he goes to confession,is already a good husband ,it’s me who can’t live with a legitimate amount of secrecy I guess,and not knowing what to do as a wife.Maybe I should try again w NFP all the time even if we don’t trust it during breastfeeding,and accept another baby sooner than we thought(now I know that’s what happens;-) almost every time.
He would be crushed if I talk about counselling,and take it as a failure,when I can sense he is doing lots of efforts.It’s that vagueness that kills me and makes me very Insecure.And the fact that I am not enough.I told him by email to avoid freaking him out with seeing my emotions like the first time,he is still digesting and nothing happens.Thank you for helping me making sense or my role
Click to expand...
You should try the Marquette method. It’s a lot more reliable and will give you more “safe” days. The only problem is the expense of it, but at this point I would think it’d be worth it.
 
GraceDK said:
Oh you are. I cannot believe that a man who has a wife and 7 children so effectively tries to destroy that by undermining the self-worth of the woman he says he loves.
He doesn’t wanna do therapy ?
He should. He is the one who is cheating on you.
Porn is a disastrous business that destroys millions of lives world wide. Many of the women in it are actually slaves. Most women in the business are stoned in order to do the things they do… Anyone who uses these services, whether they like it or not, are enabling the continuous degradation of people who have most often been molested in childhood (most girls in that business have, and are adddicts risking all kinds of stds etc.)
Porn is one of the number one killers of marriages today precisely because the cheated partners feel they are not good enough.
Doing therapy seems a little thing to ask…
You seem to take it all rather cool.
I’d say you watch “Fireproof” and your husband chooses to be like the guy in that movie or you consider if you wanna continue living with him. The children shouldn’t grow up in a house where they might stumble onto prostitution.

Sorry, there is no sugar coating it. Precisely because he has a loving wife who works her butt off to be a good Catholic wife and he has 7 children I really don’t have that much sympathy …
Click to expand...
I agree with this 100%. And yes, do watch “Fireproof.”
 
Thank I never heard of Marquette!Nor Fireproof…
I sound like I am excusing him but if you knew him…He had a very unhappy unusual childhood and always had to be the brave and responsible one and I think it used to be his escape.A lot before getting married,obviously much less since(which is why I guess I was able to deal with it up to a certain point,I dont feel as bad as if it was a growing problem and I see he feels bad since he goes to the sacraments)…
It is the “routine” of seeing it happen more during the year of breastfeeding that drives me nuts and that I dread,since I really won’t keep up with so many children if I am as fertile as I have been…I am afraid of destroying his efforts ,it’s like he is slowly going up on his path,and I am going down because of my insecurity,and the amount of challenges piling up.
So I am going to research Marquette right now and will try to talk to him,when we are both in a happy moment,so that we communicate better.
 
Yes, for you I would suggest you look into Marquette. Different methods work better for different people and you might find a new method works better for you than what you are currently using. Postpartum when you’re breast feeding can be tricky as it is. Learn it from an instructor, so you can make sure you’re getting help interpreting your fertility signs.

As for your husband’s problem, he should be speaking to a priest about this regularly. Many men struggle with it, but that doesn’t make the problem any less serious. Porn and masturbation are very damaging to marriages, and he needs to learn some strategies to avoid them other than coming to you for sex. He needs to seek some sort of counseling for it.

You should pray for your husband. Keep praying for him to find the strength to avoid giving into temptation. I think it’s also a good idea for you to pray together as a couple. Do it after the kids are asleep or something. It’s wonderful to pray as an entire family, but it will help your marriage tremendously if you can pray together as a couple. It helps strengthen the bond between your marriage and God. For the longest time I figured it was sufficient for my husband and I to do most of our praying as a family, but we’ve had so much more growth since making it a point to prAy as a couple. Try to set aside time for this if you’re not already.
 
Fireproof is a very Protestant movie, it will enforce the need to “get saved”. We are talking about a Catholic Sacramental marriage. We’d not go to Protestants to learn about other Sacraments… when you exhaust all Catholic teaching on marriage THEN resort to Protestantism. It also presents women as shrews, not at all a Catholic representation of marriage. I would really advise sticking with Catholic resources.

Catholic Answers store has resources, your parish priest has resources, frequent confession is most important - understanding that the problem is sin. Praying together is important. Fasting is something that we never talk about anymore, and husbands fasting for their wives, learning to control our bodies urges with prayer and sacrifice is so important.

The teaching of the Church is that we are not to deny our spouse for a long period if it will lead that spouse to sin (something that the non-Catholic books will not talk about).

If you have serious reasons to avoid children for now, learn a conservative method of NFP.

Prayers for you!
 
This is my lucky day!All these answers help me make up my mind and calm down…So seeing a therapist is not going to be a good idea mainly because of his childhood history,and also because he doesnt seem to have a mental illness-a weakness ,not something he does compulsively all the time.
Also I feel better to know I am not totally wrong in wanting to give him what he craves since the catholic church teaches it.But I cannot keep up physically and mentally with the close spacing of children if it carries on-I am homeschooling,moving often and they are all under 9.
Also he trusts priests.So I think the better approach would be to ask him to see the priest more regularly about this issue,to learn new strategies to keep temptations away when it is necessary that I figure out this erratic high fertility while breastfeeding-it’s not like I don’t try !I even was helped to figure out and they gave me the ok=well, n5 was conceived…We love n.5 to bits of course,that’s not the problem.
Maybe he will also tell me what he is up to,it will help me not imagining worse things-it’s horrible.I hope .
I am much better than these past few days-thanks.And Marquette gives me a new hope too.
 
Pomme said:
This is my lucky day!All these answers help me make up my mind and calm down…So seeing a therapist is not going to be a good idea mainly because of his childhood history,and also because he doesnt seem to have a mental illness-a weakness ,not something he does compulsively all the time.
Also I feel better to know I am not totally wrong in wanting to give him what he craves since the catholic church teaches it.But I cannot keep up physically and mentally with the close spacing of children if it carries on-I am homeschooling,moving often and they are all under 9.
Also he trusts priests.So I think the better approach would be to ask him to see the priest more regularly about this issue,to learn new strategies to keep temptations away when it is necessary that I figure out this erratic high fertility while breastfeeding-it’s not like I don’t try !I even was helped to figure out and they gave me the ok=well, n5 was conceived…We love n.5 to bits of course,that’s not the problem.
Maybe he will also tell me what he is up to,it will help me not imagining worse things-it’s horrible.I hope .
I am much better than these past few days-thanks.And Marquette gives me a new hope too.
Click to expand...
I don’t think you are alone in this situation at all and perhaps really talking about it would help. Of course, it would only help if you were to find out he is indeed doing minimal damage to the relationship and not into full-fledged addictions and habits.

I can totally relate to the inefficiency of NFP while breastfeeding as well as with the prolonged abstinence.

I think I may have found my solution!

You mention La Marquette- while that may be better for you please be ADVISED!! temping with clear blue monitors show you your fertility curve too late and can STILL cause pregnancy. The ClearBlue mo itor in fact explicitly states that it is not to be used to avoid pregnancy. Mostt BBT methods fall into this category, HOWEVER, and here’s the good news, while looking into the LadyComp, which someone recommended on here, I came across the CYCLOTEST 2.

These are both devices that record your temperature on daily basis and use stored data to determine patterns, even for nursing women in their post-partum period. The main difference is that CycloTest 2 also allows for the tracking of another variable, be it mucous or LH hormone which makes it potentially more accurate and price-wise, while LadyComp is about 400$, you can get the CycloTest for 125€ (175$). Unfortunately, I believe CycloTest 2 may only be available in Europe, so you may have to get it shipped. The LadyComp allows for 6hour disparity between daily temping times, the CycloTest only 4, ClearBlue is not efficient if it’s not more or less the same time, and for a nursing mother, we know how improbable waking up every day at a similar time can be!
You would still have to abstain more than usual, being in the partum week, and while I don’t know what’s “too much” for your husband, 2 weeks a month is definitely better than the whole post-partum period…

Anyway, you sound like a heroic mom and your husband should be too busy encouraging, appreciating and supporting you to have time for “other” things.

Abstinence is definitely hard on the spouses so you have to find a replacement to fill that void. Decide on forms of intimacy you are both ok with (and are morally permissible), engage in more physical activity, increase prayer life etc. In other words, that energy should be harnessed in something constructive so that you will come out closer and stronger from this challenge rather than hurt and alienated…
 
To all who prayed and helped thank you a million times:we finally totally connected on that matter,and talked with honesty and heart to heart.Thankfully it is not the horrible things I imagined at times-feeling I didn’t know my husband,but it is bad but more fitting with his character(so a weakness but he really tries so it’s not all the way bad so to speak,he is not as deep in it as I was thinking when depressed.)
Anyway it’s bad enough but we have strategies planned and I am assured now of his love and respect -except when falling of course-so I am not as insecure about trying to space pregnancies(my faith is back!)
Thanks for the advices about the different methods and I will definitely look into that with a much lighter heart:thanks to the graces of marriage and prayers,the devil doesn’t like good marriages I am sure of that-just experienced it!But God is on our side…
So happy today.
 
Debora123 said:
You know, after thinking this through a little longer, I’m not sure I’d agree with my advice on “making yourself as available as possible…”

Because you are right, this would mean many more children, and you already have 8. I’m not sure what your situation is, and # of children is something that is always between the couple and God. I don’t want to impose by saying “have more” or vice versa.

If you DO decide to start avoiding children now though, definitely make yourself as available as you can during the non fertile time.
Click to expand...
You touch on something really interesting here. My understanding is that abstinance to avoid / delay pregnancy is only permissible if the couple mutually decide to do so. It’s not something either can do without the agreement of the other.

Obviously it should be a matter for a couple to decide together - respecting each others needs etc but what if a husband simply disagrees ? Unless it’s a genuine health issue I don’t see that a wife can do anything but “be available” to her husband.

It’s even more difficult if she knows that unless she does he is likely to use porn, masturbate or resort to adultery. It’s obviously not her fault but if she is not allowing him to exercise his needs in the ‘proper’ way you can understand that it is difficult.
 
SusanneT said:
You touch on something really interesting here. My understanding is that abstinance to avoid / delay pregnancy is only permissible if the couple mutually decide to do so. It’s not something either can do without the agreement of the other.

Obviously it should be a matter for a couple to decide together - respecting each others needs etc but what if a husband simply disagrees ? Unless it’s a genuine health issue I don’t see that a wife can do anything but “be available” to her husband.

It’s even more difficult if she knows that unless she does he is likely to use porn, masturbate or resort to adultery. It’s obviously not her fault but if she is not allowing him to exercise his needs in the ‘proper’ way you can understand that it is difficult.
Click to expand...
This is correct. Sorry, I forgot to specify that it would have to be a mutual decision, of course.
 
…And even more difficult for the wife to know what to do when he wants to abstain in the first place-the reasons are quite obvious(high fertility,health,finances and sanity) but doesn’t seem to be able to cope!?Well we are on the same page now which is the best start but still
 
Maybe if your husband would stop looking at porn all the time he wouldn’t need you to be in the mood all the time to take care of him. Might be naive of me but he needs another hobby. LOL

Did you see the movie, “Fireproof”? At one point the man takes his computer in the back yard and smashes it with a sledge hammer. The subject of porn was not blatantly talked about since it was PG but the adults knew what that meant. He read the bible about not putting anything before the love of your wife and family. Also, if you are tempted to sin then avoid it at all costs. He got rid of his computer that was causing him to sin.

It’s so easy now for men to watch porn at the click of the button and they are becoming addicted.

Do you get the Catholic Advance? I’m not sure if it is the same in each area but the one we got this week has an article on it. Our local priest is going to have a series on overcoming pornography and how to contact a priest in your area. I’ll post it as soon as I find the link.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top