Abstinence in Marriage

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vir_fidelis

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I am looking for any advice or a referral to a ministry.

About six months ago, my wife was diagnosed with a medical condition that will force us to abstain from intercourse for an indefinite (possibly permanent) amount of time. We have been married for 22 years and have three children. We are in a sacramental marriage and, although she disagrees with the Church in the matter, has agreed to respect my wishes to refrain from acts of mutual masturbation in order to adhere to Church teachings.

God has given me the grace that I have asked for to endure this situation. It may sound strange, but I have come to love and admire my wife even more now that the physical aspect has been taken away. Nevertheless, I am concerned that the marriage may be suffering in some way. Although I can endure this, I feel an emptiness without the physical relationship. I’ve spoken to a few priests about this and they have all admitted that they cannot really give me any good advice. Although they are celebate, they do not have wives in their lives that they are physically attracted to and that they share a bed with each night.

Does anyone have any thoughts or advice? Is anyone aware of a ministry that I can join?
 
I don’t really know if I can be of any help to you but I too am in a “celibate” marriage due to my wife having Alzheimer’s disease. So I can at least comiserate with you.
It took some time for me (I’m 16 yrs younger than my wife) to come to terms with the loss of this intimacy but I also think I may have it somewhat easier than you do in that my wife does not remember we are married most of the time. 🤷
Where-as you and your wife are fully aware of the situation.

I do absolutely agree that we come to a much deeper understanding and admiration for the Love we have for our spouse in these situations. It is amazing.

As to ministries, I’m afraid I don’t know of any specific to this, but perhaps an Alzhemier’s support group might offer some support in this realm, or might know of other similar “health related” minstries.

Have you considered writing or calling the chancery in your diocese with this question?

Peace
James
 
‘Two Fathers asked God to reveal to them how far they had advanced. A voice came which said, ‘In a certain village in Egypt there is a man called Eucharistus and his wife who is called Mary. You have not yet reached their degree of virtue.’ The two old men set out and went to the village. Having enquired, they found his house and his wife. They said to her, ‘Where is your husband?’ She replied, ‘He is a shepherd and is feeding the sheep.’ Then she made them come into the house. When evening came, Eucharistus returned with the sheep. Seeing the old men, he set the table and brought water to wash their feet. The old men said to him, ‘We shall not eat anything until you have told us about your way of life.’ Eucharistus replied with humility, ‘I am a Shepherd, and this is my wife.’ The old men insisted but he did not want to say more. Then they said, ‘God has sent us to you.’ At these words, Eucharistus was afraid and said, ‘Here are these sheep; we received them from our parents, and if, by God’s help we make a little profit, we divide it into three parts: one for the poor, the second for hospitality, and the third for our personal needs. Since I married my wife, we have not had intercourse with one another, for she is a virgin; we each live alone. At night we wear hair-shirts and our ordinary clothes by day. No-one has known of this till now.’ At these words they were filled with admiration and went away giving glory to God.’
  • The Sayings of the Desert Fathers
 
I like your attitude, and your comments that you have become even more intimate since the physical connection was withheld.

Yesterday was the 23rd anniversary of my wonderful marriage, and I found too that intimacy goes well beyond the physical.

As far as feeling disconnected, do you both like to read the Bible? Watch inspirational TV shows? Maybe take some time to discuss very personal things, or to take turns reading arbitrarily selected passages out of the Bible and talking about them.

You might try Marriage Encounter. My wife and I went on a weekend a long time ago, and it opened my eyes to better see how wonderful she is.

If ME isn’t available in your area, try using some of their ideas which is to write “love letters” to each other. You write the letters by yourselves, then exchange them. They are to be on agreed upon topics and state how you feel, not necessarily how you think, about certain things. (In ME they explained the difference.)

Alan
 
All,

Thanks for the great replies. The low volume of replies confirms that there is not much hope for a support group or ministry.

Sadly, my wife does not take her faith very seriously beyond going to weekly mass and daily prayers asking for things she needs. Watching spiritual movies, reading spiritual books, praying togther, marriage encounters, etc. are all out of the question. Even spiritual discussions are aggravating to her. She does not believe all that Mother Church teaches and often our discussions turn into apologetic responses from me that she feels threatened by. For example, she is pro-abortion and would abort a baby without my consent if she were to conceive. She is currently trying to talk my oldest teenage daughter into taking birth control pills (she claims for medical reasons). I am truly on a spiritual island when it comes to the marriage. Thankfully, my two teenage daughters have strong faith and I can at least discuss spiritual matters with them.
 
I like your frame of mind in this situation and I can relate to it.

You know I believe in life someone always has to step up with “right” course of action and proper path to take. Sometimes easier said than done.

I believe that a constant open, honest discussion will need to take place often. Possibly at some point a Theropist to mediate may need to be considered. A bias professional opinion may be needed if the situation becomes strained. Its hard to predict the future and it may well be that this may turn out to a non-issue. Yet I believe you need to go back and revisit this often to check on how your wife-partner is coping with this. Sort of like setting obtainable short-term goals in order to reach a long term goal. Without a doubt your wifes feelings on this must always be considered and openly discussed. As do yours.

God Bless, GT
 
I am in a similar situation to yours. As to ministries I have nothing to offer.

Consider St. Joseph and how he cared for the Blessed Virgin Mary as an example.

As to your marriage relationship, consider that perhaps illness itself affects the dynamic. Love as Christ did, selflessly without complaint.

Above all pray, often and always.
 
Thanks again for the responses.

Mary often helps me. I can feel her presence when times are toughest, and it is quite comforting.

Strangely, I have not ever really felt a connection with St. Joseph - even though I admire him, have asked for his intercession and believe that he provides it. Perhaps it is because I know so little about him, and I think our situations are a bit different to say the least.

I have recently felt drawn to St. Rita of Cascia. I watched a movie about her and could relate - at least with the marital situation. She is the patroness of hopeless situations. Her national shrine is close by. I plan to visit it soon.

Daily prayer is a must for me. Without it, getting off-center would be too easy.
 
vir_fidelis said:
Thanks again for the responses.

Mary often helps me. I can feel her presence when times are toughest, and it is quite comforting.

Strangely, I have not ever really felt a connection with St. Joseph - even though I admire him, have asked for his intercession and believe that he provides it. Perhaps it is because I know so little about him, and I think our situations are a bit different to say the least.

I have recently felt drawn to St. Rita of Cascia. I watched a movie about her and could relate - at least with the marital situation. She is the patroness of hopeless situations. Her national shrine is close by. I plan to visit it soon.

Daily prayer is a must for me. Without it, getting off-center would be too easy.
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There’s a good book about St. Joseph by Pere Binet, called ‘The Divine Favors Granted to St. Joseph’.
 
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