Abstinence on honeymoon... and beyond?

[miranda13]

Dear all,

My fiance and I are getting married within a matter of weeks - we are both committed Catholics who are very much looking forward to marriage and family (God-willing).

We have always felt that we would be open to having children right away - if we were ready to marry we would be ready to welcome a child. We have also been taking NFP classes.

However, in recent weeks I have come to realisation that consummating the marriage may not be possible on our honeymoon… or even months to come. The reason is a persistent infection of mine, about which I did nothing for a matter of months as I didn’t think it was anything to worry about (about 18 months ago), then decided to see a doctor and take some antibiotics, which I thought would take care of it… but the infection remains. I am booked in to see a gyno, but I’m not sure whether I can get in before the wedding (now kicking myself for not having arranged this earlier).

At the moment, the infection from day to day is just minor inconvenience and a little uncomfortable, but having done some googling (yeah, self diagnosis online isn’t always wise!) it appears that this infection can be made worse (if you’ll excuse the frankness - ‘pushed up further’) by intercourse and that it could contribute to premature birth and low birth weight babies (though not proven yet).

Apart from this infection, I am in good health and I wouldn’t have seen any health reasons standing in the way of me postposing a pregnancy. I know the church permits spacing of children for serious matters - but I honestly don’t know whether this is a serious enough matter to warrant this. I know a lot of women (probably most!) have children when they aren’t in the best of health and I know that lots of preterm babies are absolutely fine later in life. In a sense, I feel that I should try to be in the best of health when being open to conceive… but I feel I can take that argument too far… e.g. should a woman with a genetic/chronic disease not have children? Of course she should be able to and the child should be welcomed! I suppose I am just wondering (and hoping) that my infection will be time-limited… just not sure how long that might be!!

Having learned NFP, we could avoid the fertile periods - however, another issue is that apart from the risk to babies, I understand that this infection can be transmitted to a male but it does not cause them harm (although they could be considered a ‘carrier’ who could pass it on other female sexual partners - kinda irrelevant in our case… still the idea that I’d be ‘infecting him’ makes me feel awful which is why I am thinking that abstaining from intercourse would be the best thing.)

Of course once I finally do get in to see the specialist, who knows what can happen - I’m just hoping he can put me on a superduper course of treatment that can clear this up… but my feeling is that it could take months. The advice online does recommend abstaining from intercourse until symptoms disappear… I am also keen to get a Catholic view on this as I am quite sure that the gyno (I’ve never been to one before) would advocate the pill/condoms, etc…

Anyway, if any of you are wondering, I recently talked about this with my fiance and he was so understanding and loving - I thank God for this - but I have to admit I wasn’t looking forward to telling him that our honeymoon might not be how we imagined. We did kinda joke that this would be no different to what we have been living as a dating and then engaged couple. But of course we have both been looking forward to much to being together as husband and wife… still I know that so many others go through so many other burdens and trials a million times worse that this…

Thank you for reading; I just wanted to share this with you fine people on the forum and request your prayers. Has anyone else been through the same thing? While we are both prepared to abstain on the honeymoon… I don’t know how we will go if it takes several months, especially if living in the same house! If we do abstain for months… will we actually be married in the sacramental sense?

 

[nodito]

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage! May God bless you and your fiance abundantly.

The Church has said that couples may use NFP (or complete abstinence) to prevent or space births for just reasons. It would appear that a genuine medical concern of transmitting an infection to your spouse or risking an unhealthy pregnancy would constitute just reasons, but this is something you and your future spouse really must pray about.

Once you give valid consent at the altar, then yes, you will actually be married in the sacramental sense. You’re married even before you consummate the marriage.

I know this isn’t the same situation, but as a very minor comparison, my husband and I decided to practice NFP for a month after my miscarriage at 5 weeks. The nurse told me that I needed a cycle to heal my uterine lining and that if I got pregnant right away I would be risking another miscarriage. That said, I’m also an avid “googler” and I found tons of websites (some quite legitimate) contradicting this advice. Some resources said there was no risk to conceiving right away after so early a miscarriage, others insisted couples ought to wait up to six months before TTC again. In other words, there’s a lot going on out there and your best bet is to find a medical professional familiar with your infection and your history.

If I were you, I’d look on www.onemoresoul.com for an NFP-only (read: Catholic) OB/GYN. If you can get an appointment before the wedding, great. Either way, explain to your doctor how you’re a newlywed and are anxious about whether or not you can have sex with your new husband. They should be able to give you better advice.

Good luck and congrats again!

 

[1ke]

If you have an infection that can be made worse by intercourse, and transmit to your husband thereby possibly reinfecting YOU down the road-- by all means **abstain **until you have received doctor’s care and the infection is gone. This isn’t a matter of fertile/infertile times-- you should not have intercourse.

 

[ChristinaM]

If you have an infection that can be made worse by intercourse, and transmit to your husband thereby possibly reinfecting YOU down the road-- by all means **abstain **until you have received doctor’s care and the infection is gone. This isn’t a matter of fertile/infertile times-- you should not have intercourse.

I agree with this comment. Your health should be your number one priority and you should take better care of yourself. If your husband is a good man he’ll understand this. You shouldn’t worry about “consummating” so much as you should worry about a persistent vaginal infection of a year and a half! I’m surprised that you were able to learn NFP properly knowing that infections can often interfere with observation of the fertile sign.

We are not allowed to give medical advice on this forum, so this thread may be shut down soon.

 

[kevinsgirl]

If you have an infection that can be made worse by intercourse, and transmit to your husband thereby possibly reinfecting YOU down the road-- by all means **abstain **until you have received doctor’s care and the infection is gone. This isn’t a matter of fertile/infertile times-- you should not have intercourse.

I agree with this. I think abstaining in light of what you have told us is the best thing to do.

And just as a thought, but perhaps you might be able to get an earlier appointment if you explain your situation to the nurse at the gyno (i.e. I’m getting married in a couple of weeks and I’m afraid I’ll have to abstain my entire honeymoon). You never know, it might get you in a little sooner!

 

[Galnextdoor]

You should abstain until the doctor says it’s okay not to. When you are married by a priest, you are married as long as both you and your fiance agree that abstaining for a while is the best thing to do. There are three different types of bacterial vaginal infections that come about by having naturally occurring bacteria in the wrong place. See what the doctor has to say. It may not be as complicated as you think.

 

[Zelie_Louis]

Please consult your health care professional. Internet strangers cannot determine a course of medical action for you regarding an infection. Best of luck.