Abuse in marriage

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dove50

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Hi,

I just recently divorced my husband of 26 years due to verbal and psychological abuse. We had been in counseling a long time with no success, no change. We are in the process of going through an annulment. We do not know the ruling yet. I, the wife, was the one that had to leave for my well being. It had taken such a toll on me emotionally and physically. However, I am dealing with unfounded guilt. My husband had a circle of male friends, one a traditional catholic psychologist, and a couple of traditional priests. What I was told in a manner of speaking is that unless you are physically beaten, that you are to stay and keep the family intact. They told me that this is how I become a Saint. I strongly disagreed with this position. If I had stayed I feared there would be nothing left of me eventually. My priest, family and close circle of Catholic friends agree with me. We have one son who is handling it fairly well. Believe me, I gave my husband every opportunity to change with no success. We are living separate, chaste lives and are both practicing Catholics. I believe with all of my heart that God has been calling me for years to take my son and separate from him. It has only been recently that I had the courage to do so. My cross is the unfounded guilt I am carrying. I can’t seem to shake it off. I was told by my ex and his circle of male friends that because of the divorce that my son and his future generations would be doomed. I don’t believe this in our case. I would truly welcome your thoughts on our situation and suggestions on shaking off this unfounded guilt. I so want to let go, trust God and be happy again.
 
They are wrong, psychological abuse is just as bad as physical, sometimes worse.

You were right to leave. Your well being extends to more than just how you are physically.
 
The key to shaking off guilt is to convince yourself that what you did was right. Those you are close to support you, so I would say that is a good sign.

I will be praying for you.
 
Thank you so much for your response! Especially for the encouraging prayer from St. Bernard!
I will also pray for you 🙂

God bless you!
 
Your son benefits in no way from watching his mother being psychologically abused and disrespected. This will certainly not help him become a good Catholic man.
 
I agree with you 100% My son was also on the receiving end of the abuse. He and his dad do have a healthier relationship now for which I am grateful.
 
dove50 said:
Hi,
… My husband had a circle of male friends, one a traditional catholic psychologist, and a couple of traditional priests. What I was told in a manner of speaking is that unless you are physically beaten, that you are to stay and keep the family intact.
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I don’t take contradicting a priest lightly. If this is what the priests had said, they are wrong.
My priest, family and close circle of Catholic friends agree with me.
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Always listen to those you trust first.👍
 
One thing I haven’t seen mentioned is the physical toll that psychological abuse can take on you. Increased stress hormones can result in lots of physical effects that are unhealthy, not the least of which is elevated blood pressure. There are many effects suspected but not yet confirmed as well.
You’ve done the right thing to remove yourself and your son from this abuse. Now look into some counseling for both of you, as a family and/or individually.
God bless you and your son, and keep you both safe and well.
 
I am sorry, I cannot offer much in terms of thoughts, but I will pray for your family. God will know the best way to help.
 
I’m so sorry about your situation. Please know that I’m praying for you.
 
You did the right thing and I’d ignore anyone who says otherwise. Psychological and verbal abuse count too and can be just as devastating or more so than physical abuse. People can see the bumps and bruises and sympathize somewhat. People can’t see the other kinds because they don’t leave marks. Usually, patterns of abuse do escalate after a time and will eventually lead to physical abuse. Be proud that you took your son and choose to live another way. Be careful when you start dating again though because if you have any unresolved stuff from that abusive relationship, it will manifest again. You may end up meeting some fantastic guy, just sure he’s the soul mate, and then after awhile discover that he’s pretty much like your ex. You’re vulnerable so be careful. You and your child will be in my prayers.
 
dove50 said:
Hi,

I just recently divorced my husband of 26 years due to verbal and psychological abuse. We had been in counseling a long time with no success, no change. We are in the process of going through an annulment. We do not know the ruling yet. I, the wife, was the one that had to leave for my well being. It had taken such a toll on me emotionally and physically. However, I am dealing with unfounded guilt. My husband had a circle of male friends, one a traditional catholic psychologist, and a couple of traditional priests. What I was told in a manner of speaking is that unless you are physically beaten, that you are to stay and keep the family intact. They told me that this is how I become a Saint. I strongly disagreed with this position. If I had stayed I feared there would be nothing left of me eventually. My priest, family and close circle of Catholic friends agree with me. We have one son who is handling it fairly well. Believe me, I gave my husband every opportunity to change with no success. We are living separate, chaste lives and are both practicing Catholics. I believe with all of my heart that God has been calling me for years to take my son and separate from him. It has only been recently that I had the courage to do so. My cross is the unfounded guilt I am carrying. I can’t seem to shake it off. I was told by my ex and his circle of male friends that because of the divorce that my son and his future generations would be doomed. I don’t believe this in our case. I would truly welcome your thoughts on our situation and suggestions on shaking off this unfounded guilt. I so want to let go, trust God and be happy again.
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It sounds like you are still suffering from your ex-husband’s verbal and psychological abuse. Of course his friends are siding with him; they only know his side of the marriage. I hope you are still in counseling, you did the right thing for yourself and your son by leaving such a destructive relationship and now need to heal and move on with your life.
 
Out of curiosity, why do you value the opinion of your priest versus those of multiple other priests and a Catholic psychologist? While it is technically true that canon law quite specifically allows for the separation of the spouses up to and including civil divorce if necessary for reasons other than physical abuse, could it be that your synopsis of the views of four different professionals (a Catholic psychologist and three Roman Catholic priests) is oversimplified? I ask this in all charity and in light of the idea that while physical abuse is relatively black and white, the other forms are not nearly so cut and dried. Could it be that their definitions differed?
 
Maybe you can use this as a chance to re-examine why we have the gift of guilt feelings at all.

A person who does not feel guilt over possible wrong-doing is a sociopath. Such a person must follow moral law with only the guidance of their intellect; their emotions are no help and often guide them astray. Like all of our other emotions, however, guilt is not meant to run our lives. Like anger and fear, guilt is supposed to be a sort of a smoke detector. Anger says, “someone has done wrong by me”, while Guilt says “I have done wrong by someone else.” That doesn’t mean that every time you feel anger or guilt that a line has actually been crossed, right? Neither does it mean that it is wrong to feel anger or guilt. It only means that you are feeling your own emotional sense of the situation, your “gut feeling” about what is going on. It is up to you to sort out why you feel, what the reality actually is, and how you ought to respond. You need to learn to respond to guilt feelings, rather than just reacting. Just as you can’t respond to every angry feeling by laying into others or every fearful feeling by avoidance or retreat, you aren’t free to lay into yourself every time you feel guilty. You need to use the feeling to assess the situation, to experience the situation, but then choose your actions based on reality, not feeling. Once you convince yourself of the actual situation, usually feelings that came out of a false sense of what you can or can’t do about it will give you and easier time of it.

Just as your anger was an emotion you had to master and your fear was an emotion you had to master, your guilt is one more emotion for you to master. Just as you should never let your anger teach you that the world revolves around you, you cannot let your guilt teach you that you are unworthy or ought to feel shame about yourself. I am sure you’ll think of more parallels. The point is to see your guilt as an emotional response in yourself for you to master so that you can use it and experience it in a useful way without it owning you, just as you have done with many other of your internal emotional responses.
 
hurting said:
Out of curiosity, why do you value the opinion of your priest versus those of multiple other priests and a Catholic psychologist? While it is technically true that canon law quite specifically allows for the separation of the spouses up to and including civil divorce if necessary for reasons other than physical abuse, could it be that your synopsis of the views of four different professionals (a Catholic psychologist and three Roman Catholic priests) is oversimplified? I ask this in all charity and in light of the idea that while physical abuse is relatively black and white, the other forms are not nearly so cut and dried. Could it be that their definitions differed?
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They were not saying that her non-physical abuse didn’t measure up to the standards necessary to be a legitimate reason for separation, they were saying that there is never a legitimate reason outside of physical abuse. This is false and so their advice should be disregarded. The only other Catholic priest she consulted on the matter believes that her situation has sufficient cause for separation.
 
It was one psychologist and two priests, both friends of the husband. Of course they feel that the husband could do no wrong. If they didn’t think he was a great guy, they wouldn’t be friends with him. They’re not married to him, though.

I think it would be fairly easy to muster as many priests and psychologists as you like to tell the OP to separate from her husband.
 
hurting said:
Out of curiosity, why do you value the opinion of your priest versus those of multiple other priests and a Catholic psychologist? While it is technically true that canon law quite specifically allows for the separation of the spouses up to and including civil divorce if necessary for reasons other than physical abuse, could it be that your synopsis of the views of four different professionals (a Catholic psychologist and three Roman Catholic priests) is oversimplified? I ask this in all charity and in light of the idea that while physical abuse is relatively black and white, the other forms are not nearly so cut and dried. Could it be that their definitions differed?
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Her pastor and her bishop are the ones she ought to turn to in order to discern whether her cause for leaving is legitimate, not every priest friend of her spouse. I do not think it so difficult to discern what is and is not emotional abuse, either. One may as well say that the line between physical abuse and non-abusive but angry contact is not “cut and dried.” What is serious abuse is not cut and dried, but what is abusive behavior is not that difficult to ascertain.

Worse than that, however, is that their thesis on which they base their advice is entirely flawed. It is not true that unless you are physically beaten, that you are to stay and keep the family intact. The Church doesn’t teach that; in fact, mental damage is specifically noted in canon law as a legitimate cause that excuses a spouse from the duty to preserve conjugal living. It is not true that spouses who are being abused are supposed to submit to abuse–and most especially abuse that will be witnessed by their children, which is itself abuse of the youngsters!–because this is how one “becomes a saint”. If this were true, why did the Lord not allow himself to be stoned every time some mob wanted to kill him? Why did the early Christians feel they could hide from their persecutors, if submitting to abuse is how one becomes a saint? Finally, the Church does not teach that the children of a separation with the bond remaining are doomed to broken families.

This is what canon law says:
Can. 1153 §1.* If either of the spouses causes grave mental or physical danger to the other spouse or to the offspring or otherwise renders common life too difficult, that spouse gives the other a legitimate cause for leaving, either by decree of the local ordinary or even on his or her own authority if there is danger in delay.*
 
Dove,

You have NOTHING to feel guilty about!

Everyone – even Priests – have different view on things. I went through an annulment and one Priest (older and traditional) told me that I should just look past all the lies, betrayals and deceit, and accept things as they are. Another Priest, (also older but more understanding) counseled me and supported my decision for divorce and annulment. My annulment was granted less than 1 year after filing.

The thing is – you need to protect yourself and even more so; your Son. Those saying that you will hurt your Son by divorcing are WRONG! Studies have shown that children raised in a family where abuse – physical or mental, are far worse off than those of divorce. Another thing to concider: is would you be happy if your Son grew up to be a man like your husband – thinking that women are there to do his will, and be belittled?

But again do not feel guilty – you are doing what you believe is right to protect yourself and your Son. Remember that God loves us all and protects us. In your case He has granted you the strength and conviction to leave an abusive relationship.

Trust in God, listen to Him. As for men – everyone has an opinion on what Gods will is, and they will always tell you what it is. But maybe what you need to do is listen to God. When you have time: go to a quiet area, and Pray. Listen to what God is telling you, you will know in your heart. It may take a time, but when you are ready to know – you will know.

I will Pray that God continues to grant you Strength and Peace.

Winter.
 
Dear Winter,

Thank you so much for your wise (name removed by moderator)uts. I know what the truth is and believe that I did the right thing with all of my heart by leaving him. Your observations and comments are right on, thank you:) I am optimistic that thee annulment will be granted given the facts. God can bring good out of an evil situation. And yes, my son is watching me and I am trying to set an example of saying no to evil and saying yes to God. I will ask God to bless you for your (name removed by moderator)uts and prayers!
 
dove50 said:
Hi,

I just recently divorced my husband of 26 years due to verbal and psychological abuse. We had been in counseling a long time with no success, no change. We are in the process of going through an annulment. We do not know the ruling yet. I, the wife, was the one that had to leave for my well being. It had taken such a toll on me emotionally and physically. However, I am dealing with unfounded guilt. My husband had a circle of male friends, one a traditional catholic psychologist, and a couple of traditional priests. What I was told in a manner of speaking is that unless you are physically beaten, that you are to stay and keep the family intact. They told me that this is how I become a Saint. I strongly disagreed with this position. If I had stayed I feared there would be nothing left of me eventually. My priest, family and close circle of Catholic friends agree with me. We have one son who is handling it fairly well. Believe me, I gave my husband every opportunity to change with no success. We are living separate, chaste lives and are both practicing Catholics. I believe with all of my heart that God has been calling me for years to take my son and separate from him. It has only been recently that I had the courage to do so. My cross is the unfounded guilt I am carrying. I can’t seem to shake it off. I was told by my ex and his circle of male friends that because of the divorce that my son and his future generations would be doomed. I don’t believe this in our case. I would truly welcome your thoughts on our situation and suggestions on shaking off this unfounded guilt. I so want to let go, trust God and be happy again.
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You were not wrong and should not feel guilty. If you stayed, your son may have come to to think that the way his father treated you was alright and treat his wife in the same way. Your ex and his male friends are trying to make you feel bad. Please try to stay away from them and ignore what they say.

God give you the strength you need, comfort you and bless you and your son. Praying for you.
 
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