Abuse in my marriage

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I was reading some other threads that I may have grounds of getting an annulment if I should divorce my husband.

I have been married for 17 years. In those 17 years, I have suffered much. The first 7 years were really bad. My husband has a terrible temper and he was and is arrogant. I got pregnant real fast and we had one daughter. She is 16 years old. Now that she is older and she hears how my husband yells at me and gets angry for the littlest things, she wonders why I am still with him. Unfortunately, she got his anger problems too. She can be mean in words to me also like he is to me. Lately, the anger is worse. He says it is because I undermine him with our daughter, that I don’t allow him to punish her, and that neither of us respect him. I thought I had to stay with him. The more I read about the personality disorders, the more I know he has one of them. I am thinking more Borderline but it has not been diagnosed. He is seeing a psychiatrist and he thinks my dh only has severe depression, but recently he put him on a mood stabilizer. I don’t know how much longer I can stay with him. I hate to get a divorce, but my daughter is so unhappy and depressed due to his yelling and screaming and anger, that it makes my heart sad and broken. There at times my dh is so great. He is nice and plays games with our daughter and then he switches his mood so fast and gets really really angry.

He is disabled and only 45 years old. Has been disabled for years. I am too. He is morbidly obese because all he does is eat so many sugar foods. If I tell him he is addicted to the sugar, he yells at me. We have not had sex in about a year, but it not for lack of trying. His weight is a factor and so is having him on antidepressant. If I suggest things that may improve his health, he ignores me. He says when we fight that he just wants to die. He is now smoking to speed up that process. He has so many addictions that it drives me crazy. He sleeps all day and stays up all night eating junk food and watching TV. I am always walking on egg shells. My daughter wants me to leave him, but then she changes her mind. She loves him like I do, but neither of us like him much. We are going on a family vacation in two weeks. If I don’t see any change soon, I may have to get a divorce. I have tried saying lets separate for some months or even years, but he only wants to separate for a week. He left to visit his dad for a week in another state and it was so peaceful for my dd and myself. He came back and said he will try to control his temper, but that went out the window the second week home. He says it is me. That I need to change. I know I do need to change, but I can’t say anything without him blowing up. It reminds me of when we first married. It was horrible. He doesn’t call me names, but his mood changes are getting to me. He was leaving the house this afternoon and some ice kept falling on the floor from the ice maker and he was just getting angry because he had to bend over and get the ice.

He has so many health problems that could get better by diet and exercise, but he refuses to help himself. He had me go see his psychologist recently because it was the only way he would talk to this woman that does Progressive Mental Alignment. She felt she could help hi. He would not talk to her when she was seeing our daughter. She finally told me our daughter’s problems are due to her problems with her dad. When I told this to his psychologist, she asked him if he was doing the exercises to control his anger. He said he tries, but then I told her his anger is worse. She made me realize the best option may be to separate or divorce. I mentioned to my dh that he is like a bully and this angered him and he asked me to write ten ways that he was a bully. I had no problem coming up with them. After he saw the list, he realized he was unhappy and making his family unhappy. He has not changed his behavior yet though.

Please pray for me. I thought if I divorced him, I was in the wrong, but I received hope when I read the Canon Law 1153 that someone posted here.

I just feel sorry for him. He had a terrible childhood full of mental and physical abuse. I hate to add to it, but I am losing myself as well. 😦
 
nana3 said:
I was reading some other threads that I may have grounds of getting an annulment if I should divorce my husband.

I have been married for 17 years. In those 17 years, I have suffered much. The first 7 years were really bad. My husband has a terrible temper and he was and is arrogant. I got pregnant real fast and we had one daughter. She is 16 years old. Now that she is older and she hears how my husband yells at me and gets angry for the littlest things, she wonders why I am still with him. Unfortunately, she got his anger problems too. She can be mean in words to me also like he is to me. Lately, the anger is worse. He says it is because I undermine him with our daughter, that I don’t allow him to punish her, and that neither of us respect him. I thought I had to stay with him. The more I read about the personality disorders, the more I know he has one of them. I am thinking more Borderline but it has not been diagnosed. He is seeing a psychiatrist and he thinks my dh only has severe depression, but recently he put him on a mood stabilizer. I don’t know how much longer I can stay with him. I hate to get a divorce, but my daughter is so unhappy and depressed due to his yelling and screaming and anger, that it makes my heart sad and broken. There at times my dh is so great. He is nice and plays games with our daughter and then he switches his mood so fast and gets really really angry.

He is disabled and only 45 years old. Has been disabled for years. I am too. He is morbidly obese because all he does is eat so many sugar foods. If I tell him he is addicted to the sugar, he yells at me. We have not had sex in about a year, but it not for lack of trying. His weight is a factor and so is having him on antidepressant. If I suggest things that may improve his health, he ignores me. He says when we fight that he just wants to die. He is now smoking to speed up that process. He has so many addictions that it drives me crazy. He sleeps all day and stays up all night eating junk food and watching TV. I am always walking on egg shells. My daughter wants me to leave him, but then she changes her mind. She loves him like I do, but neither of us like him much. We are going on a family vacation in two weeks. If I don’t see any change soon, I may have to get a divorce. I have tried saying lets separate for some months or even years, but he only wants to separate for a week. He left to visit his dad for a week in another state and it was so peaceful for my dd and myself. He came back and said he will try to control his temper, but that went out the window the second week home. He says it is me. That I need to change. I know I do need to change, but I can’t say anything without him blowing up. It reminds me of when we first married. It was horrible. He doesn’t call me names, but his mood changes are getting to me. He was leaving the house this afternoon and some ice kept falling on the floor from the ice maker and he was just getting angry because he had to bend over and get the ice.

He has so many health problems that could get better by diet and exercise, but he refuses to help himself. He had me go see his psychologist recently because it was the only way he would talk to this woman that does Progressive Mental Alignment. She felt she could help hi. He would not talk to her when she was seeing our daughter. She finally told me our daughter’s problems are due to her problems with her dad. When I told this to his psychologist, she asked him if he was doing the exercises to control his anger. He said he tries, but then I told her his anger is worse. She made me realize the best option may be to separate or divorce. I mentioned to my dh that he is like a bully and this angered him and he asked me to write ten ways that he was a bully. I had no problem coming up with them. After he saw the list, he realized he was unhappy and making his family unhappy. He has not changed his behavior yet though.

Please pray for me. I thought if I divorced him, I was in the wrong, but I received hope when I read the Canon Law 1153 that someone posted here.

I just feel sorry for him. He had a terrible childhood full of mental and physical abuse. I hate to add to it, but I am losing myself as well. 😦
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Dear Nana,

There is help for all of you! Make an appointment with your priest and explain everything you have told us here. I will pray for you!

In Jesus and Mary,

Dorothy
 
It is good that he is seeing a psychologist. I suggest that you see a counselor separately because 17 years is a long time to live on eggshells and you need an objective perspective.

Talk to your pastor for counsel also.
 
If you are comitted to not ending the marriage-your husband may have been misdiagnosed, or the medication needs to be adjusted. For him to have a death wish is serious.

To continue to act in this angry way, even when seeing a psychaitrist is a clue. Perhaps his doctor is not the right fit for him.

You also need to ask yourself if your daughter is acting this way because she is modelling his behavior, or perhaps there is a genetic chemical imbalance she inheirited. In either case, act on that too.

I hope you can communicate this to him without him getting angry.I would find a time when he seems open and calm. If he refuses-then I would ask him to move out without a time frame until he gets his life together and can contribute to a harmonious home life. These are the steps that need to be taken before reconciliation. And stick to that. Change is needed.
 
I really don’t know what to say. The situation sounds similar to that of my mom’s.

Mom and dad have three daughters (including myself )and the little one turned 18 recently. We all got bad temper growing up with a dad like that. He gets angry for stupid reasons (even if he wakes abruptly and you happen to pass by) and yells and says bad words, and hits and breaks stuff or hit us (when we were 17 or younger). Thanks to the Internet, I found out that mom and us three sisters suffered some kind of abuse. It’s sad to see that my mom who is 15 years younger than my dad, looks older than him physically.

We all (except dad) went to a psychologist, it changed nothing. I have feared my dad all my life, and I still do. I ran away (with their consent ) from home and went to college in another city where my grandparents (from mom’s side) live. I never slept back at home again and very rarely visited (my parents visited me at granny’s).

What did help me overcome the effects of certain traumas caused by my dad was Opus Dei spirituality and their activities.

And you know, hah, my dad frequents the sacraments, and prays daily novenas with mom. And he can be fun, childish and hilarious and very creative. But, he still gets angry, yells, hits, breaks stuff and name calls, and is a glutton. But, you know, we learned that it’s best to keep our mouth shut because we might trigger his anger unless you approach it and say it in a different or better way. But oh no, never ever dare to point his flaws or faults. Never. And you might think about it, because honestly, I used to know dad more than my mother did in that matter and as a result, I was rarely very rarely scolded , and I taught her what not to say, when to say it and how. Sometimes when you are under emotional or verbal abuse, it can block you from seeing ways to approach best people like my dad.

My middle sister also ran away and so will do my little one this upcoming summer.

My little sister in particular, hates injustice. So if dad says to her “no we aren’t going to the city because there is limited money for gas.” when she wants to buy or go on a date with her boyfriend, she snaps and yells back at my dad whenever she founds out that he went on his own for his own interests to the city and there’s no more money for gas. She has lost the respect for him. He say things but he doesn’t apply them to himself and that is unfair in her eyes.

When I was 17, I was crying hard under the shower asking God why can’t they divorce after what happened to me. But, I just took my college as an excuse to move away permanently.
 
1ke said:
It is good that he is seeing a psychologist. I suggest that you see a counselor separately because 17 years is a long time to live on eggshells and you need an objective perspective.

Talk to your pastor for counsel also.
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Yes. Even someone with the experience and background to adjudicate this with the full information given to a tribunal couldn’t give a definitive answer on this forum concerning how to discern a separation with the bond remaining or a decree of nullity.

Certainly when a person’s behavior has so profoundly affected a second person for so long and in such an intimate way, the second person ought to avail herself of professional counselling, too. Even if the marriage is valid, it can unfortunately be necessary to separate with the bond remaining in order to prevent serious harm to a spouse or child.
 
The Church does not condemn divorce for just reasons, but there are steps that should be taken before divorce occurs. It should be the last resort.
 
I can offer no advice, but my mother was and is in a similar situation and I’ve always wished she would leave, for both our sakes. I grew up terrified of my father, always walking on eggshells, and still to this day am afraid of his reactions. I’m still recovering in many ways. They both had very bad childhoods with abusive fathers. It’s a reason, but by no means a valid excuse to treat people like this.
 
Dorothy said:
Dear Nana,

There is help for all of you! Make an appointment with your priest and explain everything you have told us here. I will pray for you!

In Jesus and Mary,

Dorothy
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I will add to this and say make an appointment with God first and your conscience. We are not ruled by canon law but by the Holy Spirit. It seems many Catholics have forgotten this and give all their faith to men who are priests. Let her get professional help. She has to save herself first before she can help her husband and she must do what is best for her child.

All you people ever think about is law and law and law.
 
AClaire11 said:
I can offer no advice, but my mother was and is in a similar situation and I’ve always wished she would leave, for both our sakes. I grew up terrified of my father, always walking on eggshells, and still to this day am afraid of his reactions. I’m still recovering in many ways. They both had very bad childhoods with abusive fathers. It’s a reason, but by no means a valid excuse to treat people like this.
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This is common feedback from adult children of parents prone to explosive outbursts, especially if anyone but the bad-tempered parent is held responsible for controlling the outbursts. It is very hard on them.
 
I hate to point this out… but if somebody has reactive hypoglycemia (as opposed to the diabetic kind), eating sugar/carbs and then crashing can cause a really bad temper fit. (Among other things that can happen.)

On the bright side, a lot of men like to eat low carb or paleo diets, once they figure out that it means getting to eat a lot of meat! Also, men lose weight faster than women, because life is not fair. 🙂
 
nana3,
When he tells you that you are causing his outbursts, don’t believe it. As a previous poster said, let the Holy Spirit guide you.
 
Thank you all for your words. We had a family vacation and the first few days on the cruise were horrible. We fought all the time. He was in a mad mood. Our daughter, who is 16, got so drunk on an excursion we had on a private beach. The people who work there were giving out the punch with rum in it to anyone. She knew not to drink, but did so behind our backs. My dh didn’t go into the water and just sat down and listen to his iPod. My dd wanted his attention even though she would never admit it. He was in severe pain and admitted going on this excursion to please me. He was not there to begin with. I noticed my daughter acting as if she was out of it and she almost got onto the wrong bus to go back to the ship. I called her and she didn’t recognize me. I had to yell at her to come to me. She was drunk. I asked her if she drank and she said yes. My dh did not notice until she got sick on the bus and threw up all the way to the ship. It was the longest hour and a half ride back of my life. She said so much while drunk. She looked at me and told me that I needed to divorce her dad and that she was tired of all the fighting. She said she drank because when she was in High School the kids told her it was fun and helps you escape your problems. She had realize they lied and she said it was no fun. She kept apologizing to me. She would say some other funny things that everyone on the bus heard on top of the private thinks. For her to do this, showed me how unhappy she was in life. She said so too when drunk. She begged me to divorce her dad. After she was sober, after an IV and some anti-nausea meds, she was very lovey to her father and me. It was weird. She hate expressing her feelings. She did so on that day. On the day we docked back home and had to leave the ship, my hubby woke up in a bad mood again. He was mean and so rude to me and her. She got so angry that she looked at me and said, “mom” and then took her right hand and gestured taking off a ring on the left hand. That really pissed him off. My niece who is 29 years old told my dd that she should not have done that. I think point I was just tired of it all. I was hoping the trip would reconnect us but we did everything separately except dinner. When we got home and he was in pain and angry he told me to go ahead and file the divorce paperwork and that he did not love me as he did when we got married. I didn’t say anything. He went for a drive and when he got back he said he had an appointment with his psychologist soon and wanted me to go with him. He wants to go to marriage counseling. We did that for years. It did not help. Family counseling did not help. They all said the same that he needs to change and get his anger under control and we would be able to work on our issues. I just pray. He is withdrawn again and sleeps all day and stays up all night. He told me he will continue to eat whatever he wants even if it kills him and to keep smoking and that hopefully one of those would kill him. He feels death is the only way out.

Sorry, that I kept on rambling. I feel alone. I have not given up on our marriage for the past 17 years, but watching my dd go down hill in things she is doing that are immoral and then getting drunk tells me so much. I will go see his counselor and tell her all this. My dd has sent picture of her breast to boys in text, has done oral sex and finally had sex all before the age of 15 or at 15. She has been crying out for help and attention. Oh she looked at my dh on the bus when she was drunk and said, “This is all your fault.”
 
Praying for you and your family, that God will guide you and keep you in his care, and bring health and healing to everyone.

.
 
You may not be able to save your marriage, and I don’t know if you really want to, but you must save your daughter. She is crying out for help, and she is acting out. Do whatever it takes, including separating from your husband and getting your daughter into counseling. She is already affected by your marriage, get her help so she can choose healthy relationships in her life. May God bless you and your family.
 
Irishmom2 said:
You may not be able to save your marriage, and I don’t know if you really want to, but you must save your daughter. She is crying out for help, and she is acting out. Do whatever it takes, including separating from your husband and getting your daughter into counseling. She is already affected by your marriage, get her help so she can choose healthy relationships in her life. May God bless you and your family.
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It’s not easy. That’s all I can say. Thanks for the prayers. I am trying. I am on antidepressants and have an appointment for my daughter, but she doesn’t open up. She is exercising so she doesn’t want medications for depression. She loves her dad, but thinks he is mean. I agree and she can be mean to me. I told her she is sounding just like him. She just gets upset and says it’s my fault. It probably is. I am helping my nephew and his girlfriend and see how their relationship is just like mine started with my hubby. I told them not to marry because they live together and have a child and fight so much. The girlfriend is like my hubby with severe anger issues due to childhood abuse and being raped.

I will say it helps me to help others. It helps me see things that are wrong in my marriage. I don’t know if my dh could ever be in a normal relationship. For example, yesterday he was walking to the mailbox to get the mail but was also on his way out. He saw my daughter arriving in my van from working out and when she pulled in the garage, he told her to get the mail. She asked him, since he was next to the mailbox, to get it and she would bring it in. He said no for her to go to the mailbox and get the mail and bring it in the house. I didn’t know of anything until she came in the house. She had the mail with her and told me what happened. Then my husband called me and asked if she complained to me. I told him that she told me that he was near the mailbox and didn’t get the mail just because he was on this way out. There was no reasoning with him unless I am wrong. I just think that since he was literally right there in front of the mailbox and opened it, he could have gotten it out and gave it to her as he walked back to his car and she could have brought it in the house. I don’t understand why it was a huge issues on both of them. He got mad at me and said if I can’t agree with him that there is something wrong with me.

Oh well, I don’t think I was wrong. I have no where to go if we separate and he doesn’t either. We would have to sell the house which I paid more into it and my parents sold it to us at a low price. But I guess that doesn’t matter when you are married.

Please continue to pray for me and my daughter, but she is doing so much better since she gets out and works out. She will be dual enrolling in August that will be at a college half the day, so that should help her. If only I can get her work harder at finishing her 10th grade work. She is working slow and just wants to watch TV. Tomorrow, I plan to work out a plan for her to finish this grade before August.
 
nana3 said:
I have no where to go if we separate and he doesn’t either. We would have to sell the house which I paid more into it and my parents sold it to us at a low price. But I guess that doesn’t matter when you are married.
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Yes it does matter. you need to talk to a lawyer, even a pro bono of legal aid lawyer. Do not assume you must sell the house, that he gets the house, that it must be split 50/50 etc.
 
nana3 said:
Thank you all for your words. We had a family vacation and the first few days on the cruise were horrible. We fought all the time. He was in a mad mood. Our daughter, who is 16, got so drunk on an excursion we had on a private beach. The people who work there were giving out the punch with rum in it to anyone. She knew not to drink, but did so behind our backs. My dh didn’t go into the water and just sat down and listen to his iPod. My dd wanted his attention even though she would never admit it. He was in severe pain and admitted going on this excursion to please me. He was not there to begin with. I noticed my daughter acting as if she was out of it and she almost got onto the wrong bus to go back to the ship. I called her and she didn’t recognize me. I had to yell at her to come to me. She was drunk. I asked her if she drank and she said yes. My dh did not notice until she got sick on the bus and threw up all the way to the ship. It was the longest hour and a half ride back of my life. She said so much while drunk. She looked at me and told me that I needed to divorce her dad and that she was tired of all the fighting. She said she drank because when she was in High School the kids told her it was fun and helps you escape your problems. She had realize they lied and she said it was no fun. She kept apologizing to me. She would say some other funny things that everyone on the bus heard on top of the private thinks. For her to do this, showed me how unhappy she was in life. She said so too when drunk. She begged me to divorce her dad. After she was sober, after an IV and some anti-nausea meds, she was very lovey to her father and me. It was weird. She hate expressing her feelings. She did so on that day. On the day we docked back home and had to leave the ship, my hubby woke up in a bad mood again. He was mean and so rude to me and her. She got so angry that she looked at me and said, “mom” and then took her right hand and gestured taking off a ring on the left hand. That really pissed him off. My niece who is 29 years old told my dd that she should not have done that. I think point I was just tired of it all. I was hoping the trip would reconnect us but we did everything separately except dinner. When we got home and he was in pain and angry he told me to go ahead and file the divorce paperwork and that he did not love me as he did when we got married. I didn’t say anything. He went for a drive and when he got back he said he had an appointment with his psychologist soon and wanted me to go with him. He wants to go to marriage counseling. We did that for years. It did not help. Family counseling did not help. They all said the same that he needs to change and get his anger under control and we would be able to work on our issues. I just pray. He is withdrawn again and sleeps all day and stays up all night. He told me he will continue to eat whatever he wants even if it kills him and to keep smoking and that hopefully one of those would kill him. He feels death is the only way out.

Sorry, that I kept on rambling. I feel alone. I have not given up on our marriage for the past 17 years, but watching my dd go down hill in things she is doing that are immoral and then getting drunk tells me so much. I will go see his counselor and tell her all this. My dd has sent picture of her breast to boys in text, has done oral sex and finally had sex all before the age of 15 or at 15. She has been crying out for help and attention. Oh she looked at my dh on the bus when she was drunk and said, “This is all your fault.”
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I was in the same situation. Stop feeling sorry for your husband and help yourself and child and if your husband has any soul left he will change as did mine. My dd had serious issues too because she saw her mother always depressed or on edge. This is not the way children should grow up. I made my house a home but sometimes it wasn’t easy. My dh wasn’t has bad as yours in terms of addiction. He was level headed about that and was responsible for his family; hence that is the reason I stayed but made it clear that I will not allow any verbal abuse anymore.
I was ready to walk out and in fact i went to my sister’s place for over two weeks and that made a difference.

You are enabling your husband’s behavior and you are hurting your child. Get some courage and call a hotline for help to get safe for you and your daughter.

I would suggest you watch this; one guest on this show is Leslie Vernick who teaches Christ Centered Counseling.

youtube.com/watch?v=1nY-rQQsgvs
 
My mother has anger issues like the ones you describe in your husband. Irrational, unswerving anger for anyone who happens to do what she doesn’t want you to do. Tap your foot too loud? Yell. Breathe ever so slightly too much? She huffs and puffs like she’ll blow the house down. I admit I have not reacted as best as I could, and have done wrong by her at times. But I know she has irrational anger issues. And she drinks alone, as well. 😦

My dad did the best thing he could - I say in light of what I read here this morning. He smothered her and did not allow here to have more than a minimal influence. He showed us his love glowingly, and did not let her abuse us, except rarely. And when she did he told her down, and rightly so. And of course, if we retaliated to her abusiveness - tit for tat, violence for violence - we were also, rightly reprimanded. He did not want us to grow up to be like her.

I think that is about the best thing a loving parent can do, if they can. It is not good when one parent treats another like a third child. But when that other parent acts like a toddler, and will not amend their ways, what else can you do? 😦

Might be a bit late for the OP now, but it is a possible solution I might advocate. Do not let the irrationally angry parent get away with it, and give them very little power over the kids - only what you yourself absolutely cannot handle.
 
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