Abuse in my marriage

[TarkanAttila]

I was in the same situation. Stop feeling sorry for your husband and help yourself and child and if your husband has any soul left he will change as did mine. My dd had serious issues too because she saw her mother always depressed or on edge. This is not the way children should grow up. I made my house a home but sometimes it wasn’t easy. My dh wasn’t has bad as yours in terms of addiction. He was level headed about that and was responsible for his family; hence that is the reason I stayed but made it clear that I will not allow any verbal abuse anymore.
I was ready to walk out and in fact i went to my sister’s place for over two weeks and that made a difference.

You are enabling your husband’s behavior and you are hurting your child. Get some courage and call a hotline for help to get safe for you and your daughter.

I would suggest you watch this; one guest on this show is Leslie Vernick who teaches Christ Centered Counseling.

youtube.com/watch?v=1nY-rQQsgvs

Yes, this. the “dh”, as you say, really has no backbone; if he did he could control his anger issues. So you must be the one with a backbone. You must learn to lead, I’m afraid.

 

[ArielRussu]

Divorce him.

From what I’ve read your husband has multiple problems and has no intention too change and you are doing a major disservice to yourself and your daughter by staying in that abusive relationship and trying to save what is not there. What you have described is a circle of abuse; fits of anger, honeymoon (husband tries to suck up and make up for behavior), fits of anger, and etc… You are doing more harm by staying with him, than you would living alone with your daughter. While you stay with him, you and your husband are setting a horrible example for your daughter about marriage, love and relationships. You want her to find a man who loves and respects her, not demoralizes women like her father! By staying with him and letting your husband continue to treat you and her the way he is, you are NOT teaching your daughter what a healthy relationship looks like and you are already seeing the results of that with her promiscuous behavior.

You said you have no place too go, are there any shelters in your area? Any shelters for abused women and children?

 

[Eliza10]

I’ll tell you my opinion and personal, unprofessional advice - but this advice also includes considering it carefully, along with what else is said here, and taking your considerations to the counsel of a priest. Or two! I found that priests are for the most very well trained in abuse within marraige. As well as all related moral matters. I would ask around as to who is a holy and wise priest in your area.

The advice that comes to mind is that seeking separation - a *long *separation - a year or two at the very least - is a fantastic idea in your situation. I would not even consider divorce until you have gotten away and had some real peace for some time - because you said you and your daughter had peace when he was away for a week. Its going to take way more than a week or a month or even maybe longer than a year - it might take two - to get over all these years of abuse. And you really, really need peace and quiet, and to not have to be living in vigilant fear over unexpected anger outbursts, in order to seek God’s wisdom. It is in peace and quiet that you can think, and that you can listen to God’s voice in your heart.

Plus, if you are just separating and not considering divorce, you can assure your daughter of that, and tell her you would not consider divorce without a lot of thought and time and counsel - that way she does not feel guilty for advising you thus. She can know that its your decision, made with wise counsel, if it comes to that. For now she can have the peace she needs. Her getting very drunk in your presence really does seem like a cry for help. But you don’t want to tell her its because of her so she is not feeling guilty. And it should not be just for her. You matter too and you need peace.

Also it seems like your husband needs a shock and a serious shake-up in order for him to make some changes. As shocking and serious as it is for you to separate, it really is only long past due “natural consequences”. When you yell and are cruel and unkind then people don’t want to live with you. You can assure him you that you are still married, but that God loves you and does not want you to live with abuse. If he says I’ll get better, you can say, great, I am glad, but I need to get over all the years of abuse I have lived with and heal, and I can’t do that with you. Tell him you will only come back after you understand the situation and after your counselor - and his - recommends it.

You need counsel to learn in what ways you have been co-dependent and neglected making normal boundaries and so actually *aided *him in his sin - actually assisted him in living in his worst behavior. That is not loving or helpful to him. You are supposed to help him get to Heaven, not the other place, right?

And like you said, this is a terrible situation for your daughter to live in. She needs counsel for all her years witnessing this, which is so wrong. Being separated means she can go to counseling and come home to some peace while she considers what she learned.

That’s my opinion from what you have said. Again I will say, its just for you to consider and take to counsel, especially that of a priest, after you think about it. You can bring your questions concerning it to him.

I highly recommend Gregory Popcak’s counseling service. It Catholic, its good, you can do it over the phone. I have used it in a crisis point of my life when I was at my wit’s end as to the right thing to do, and it was very helpful.

 

[nana3]

I’ll tell you my opinion and personal, unprofessional advice - but this advice also includes considering it carefully, along with what else is said here, and taking your considerations to the counsel of a priest. Or two! I found that priests are for the most very well trained in abuse within marraige. As well as all related moral matters. I would ask around as to who is a holy and wise priest in your area.

The advice that comes to mind is that seeking separation - a *long *separation - a year or two at the very least - is a fantastic idea in your situation. I would not even consider divorce until you have gotten away and had some real peace for some time - because you said you and your daughter had peace when he was away for a week. Its going to take way more than a week or a month or even maybe longer than a year - it might take two - to get over all these years of abuse. And you really, really need peace and quiet, and to not have to be living in vigilant fear over unexpected anger outbursts, in order to seek God’s wisdom. It is in peace and quiet that you can think, and that you can listen to God’s voice in your heart.

Plus, if you are just separating and not considering divorce, you can assure your daughter of that, and tell her you would not consider divorce without a lot of thought and time and counsel - that way she does not feel guilty for advising you thus. She can know that its your decision, made with wise counsel, if it comes to that. For now she can have the peace she needs. Her getting very drunk in your presence really does seem like a cry for help. But you don’t want to tell her its because of her so she is not feeling guilty. And it should not be just for her. You matter too and you need peace.

Also it seems like your husband needs a shock and a serious shake-up in order for him to make some changes. As shocking and serious as it is for you to separate, it really is only long past due “natural consequences”. When you yell and are cruel and unkind then people don’t want to live with you. You can assure him you that you are still married, but that God loves you and does not want you to live with abuse. If he says I’ll get better, you can say, great, I am glad, but I need to get over all the years of abuse I have lived with and heal, and I can’t do that with you. Tell him you will only come back after you understand the situation and after your counselor - and his - recommends it.

You need counsel to learn in what ways you have been co-dependent and neglected making normal boundaries and so actually *aided *him in his sin - actually assisted him in living in his worst behavior. That is not loving or helpful to him. You are supposed to help him get to Heaven, not the other place, right?

And like you said, this is a terrible situation for your daughter to live in. She needs counsel for all her years witnessing this, which is so wrong. Being separated means she can go to counseling and come home to some peace while she considers what she learned.

That’s my opinion from what you have said. Again I will say, its just for you to consider and take to counsel, especially that of a priest, after you think about it. You can bring your questions concerning it to him.

I highly recommend Gregory Popcak’s counseling service. It Catholic, its good, you can do it over the phone. I have used it in a crisis point of my life when I was at my wit’s end as to the right thing to do, and it was very helpful.

Thanks Eliza. I will check out that Catholic counseling service. Thanks.
We did have a very good Catholic counselor Dr. Fitzgibbon and it was over the phone because we saw him at Catholic Familyland and he specialized in anger issues. He was helpful but my dh doesn’t take advise very well. So I stopped calling him and setting up appointments.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

I think you need to get your daughter into a safe place away from her dad before you can even begin to deal with her issues. You aren’t helping her by staying together, you are letting him disrespect you which is teaching her that you aren’t someone to be respected. I get that marriage is something we should always try to work on but this girl seems to be paying a heavy price.

 

[annie17on12]

In my initial analysis of your situation, I can understand how you feel and I can also understand how your husband feels. I would suggest that the first line of business is talking to a doctor about his weight. It sounds like it is impairing his ability to live a fulfilling life. Maybe he might qualify for surgery to help remove some of the weight. After the weight, I think he can more effectively tackle his mental health issues. Exercise help with both anxiety and depression. A dietitian could help with this aspect as well. I think if he lost weight his self esteem would start to regain which would help him tackle his mental health problems.

As for you getting a divorce, it is a call only you can make, but I will say that in the first month I was married, my husband did something to me that was complete grounds for divorce. I realized though that I would have felt more miserable as a divorcee after only one month of marriage than if I were to stick with it and help him help himself. I felt like God charged me to help him get to heaven and I didn’t want to give up on that mission just because I was suffering. It is really a call only you can make though. Try talking to your parish priest. He could give you better advice than I can. Hope everything works out. God bless.