Abuse survivor coping with loneliness

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Loneheart

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I grew up in an abusive family and I prayerfully severed contact with them to end the cycle of abuse and to allow myself to heal. I also wanted to protect any future children I had from abuse. I am a convert to the Catholic church ,by the way. In my current parish my priest frequently gives homilies about reconciling with one’s estranged family. Though part of me understands he likely doesn’t mean to include those who are estranged because of abuse; I still end up being affected by it. It depresses me since I ended up without a family because I wanted safety and reconciling with them would only start the abuse all over again.

The only family I have about now is my 5 year old daughter. I am a single mother. My marriages have been abusive too( each time I thought I’d finally met Mr Right it turned out to be Mr Wrong in a costume). Making friends has also been difficult no matter what.

For some reason I periodically feel like I don’t belong anywhere. And that I’m not really welcome in at least this parish.
What is the church’s stance on those who are estranged from their families because of abuse?
 
You aren’t alone in feeling lonely!
Perhaps turn to your family in Heaven, our brothers and sisters in Christ. Pray often.
 
I had learned to rely on God like one would an earthly Father at an early age. And having the Blessed Mother to turn to like one would an earthly Mother has been a comfort too over the years. Though I still wish I had an earthly non abusive family beyond my young daughter to be in contact with and good close friends too. It eats at me more around the holidays when it’s focused on so much.
 
We are required to forgive. We ARE NOT required to chase after people who have hurt and abused us. If someone has seriously wronged us, the forgiveness aspect means letting go of that vengeful angry part of yourself that likely hurts you more than it hurts them. It’s a part of the healing process and not something you do by beating yourself up for clinging to it. It’s more of recognizing the toxic anger in you and learning how not to let it hurt you. Bringing your pain before Jesus, especially in Eucharistic adoration may be helpful, but a good therapist may also be a good avenue too especially for steps beyond this.

One thing I’ve learned through therapy is that abusive relationships can be confusing because people who abuse both push you away and demand loyalty. Breaking the cycle is more about not letting people treat you like that and distancing yourself from that behavior. You have to see that behavior as them rejecting you. You aren’t rejecting them by refusing to be around such treatment.

As such, when you’ve been repetitively hurt by such people, then it’s really THEIR job to repent and come to you to seek a true reconcilation. Such a reconiclation has to be conditioned on them consistently demonstrating that they’ll treat you well. And yes, we’re supposed to be open to allowing people to rewin our trust, but that doesn’t mean being a doormat.

Since you seem to have a tendency toward abusive relationships, I’d advice finding a good therapist to help you catch early warning signs and learn how to nip these issues in the bud.

In terms of Catholicism, you may want to bring the issue that you’ve been married a number of times to your priest just to ensure that any annullments are out of the way if you do end up in a healthy relationship with someone you’d like to marry. You can also find out what, if any, sort of support the parish would offer you. It will depend on the parish though.
 
I am in counselling through Catholic Community Services. I have gotten mixed messages about whether or not I need to go through the annulment process since none of the marriages were performed in a Catholic church and none of my former spouses were Catholic either. And if I do the part in the annulment process about contacting the other person is dangerous and worrisome for me.

I may be misjudging things but I don’t get the feeling that my parish priest would be very helpful.
 
The Church’s stance is that Christ came to ease the sufferings of those who are abused, estranged, and lonely. Some in the Church might judge you unfairly, but as hard as it is, try to forgive them and know that the God of hidden things sees the Truth of your struggles.
 
I do forgive them. They most likely have no experiences that would enable them to truly understand what it feels like to walk in my shoes( figuratively speaking since I use a wheelchair). I just am feeling very alone besides having my daughter and my heavenly family to turn to. And my priest’s homily last night really tore into my heart even though I tried not to let it. I’m not harboring anger towards anyone,I’m just hurting and feeling alone and like I don’t belong anywhere. I’m trying to fight that feeling too, which is why I posted on here, what I prayed my rosary about today,etc.
 
May God grant you peace, dispel all darkness and allow healing within you, and may the Holy Spirit Guide you!
Most Holy Trinity, have mercy on us.
Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us.
Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us.
Virgin Most Powerful, pray for us.
Our Lady of Sorrows, pray for us.
St. Joseph, pray for us.
St. Michael, pray for us.
St. Gabriel, pray for us.
St. Raphael, pray for us.
All holy angels and saints, come to our aid, pray for us.
Glory be to the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
 
Family members are bound, under ordinary circumstances, to be willing to associate with each other. However, the duty of making amends lies on the person who was in the wrong. So if your family were to acknowledge what they did and apologize, you would be bound to (exercising all due caution) reconcile with them. As long as they have not done this and you have no reason to believe that they would act any differently, you are justified in keeping your distance.

See Fr. Slater’s Manual of Moral Theology, p. 120-121:


Regarding annulment, if you neither you nor your spouse were Catholic at the time of marriage, then the marriage is (in that respect at least) presumptively valid. You should approach the tribunal if you wish to re-marry and have reason to believe that your previous marriages were invalid.
 
Hi @Loneheart , you are welcomed at your parish. If ever someone said otherwise, it would be only that person. Catholics know -most of them- they have a duty of hospitality and friendship. Although, some have difficulty in expressing it most will welcome you and be very happy to see you at mass over the weeks.

You definitely belong in your parish.

As for healing, it takes time. God heals us, and we take some time to heal. When you are ready, and that day will come, you will reconcile with your family. Don’t be hurt in the meanwhile (I know it touches your wound when someone mentions it, like the priest). I know being parted from your family is like an open wound. Only time can heal that wound. You will become stronger with time. Until the day comes when you can meet them, and regardless if they have changed or not, you will have changed. And on that day, you will have a heart full of forgiveness and love that cannot be hurt anymore.

God bless you @Loneheart. You have my love and are in my prayers.
 
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The priest was referring to all cases we care to imagine. Including those that cannot reconcile out of pride. It is not your case, since it is not your fault. You need time and space for now, the priest would have been the first to recognize this if he were talking personally with you.
 
@Loneheart

The priest is probably not referring to abusive families, but normal families.

I’m curious, what did your family and former spouses do to abuse you? Not asking for details, and if you don’t want to say thats fine.

Have a merry Christmastide and happy New Year, and I will pray for you.
 
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I agree with the advice posted on this thread, especially by Catholicwife32.

I just wanted to add that if you really feel that your parish priest would not be helpful, or if he likes to preach regularly on “reconciling with estranged families” and it makes you uncomfortable even though you realize he is likely not referring to a situation like yours, you might want to see if you can attend at another parish.

Sometimes priests have a particular interest in one particular topic because they think it’s affecting a lot of people in their parish, or affecting society in general. Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays are the main time in the year when families get together, and a lot of people have to deal with longstanding family feuds or conflicts or estrangement issues at this time. That could be why the priest is bringing these topics up. You are right in thinking that he doesn’t mean your type of situation, where reaching out to estranged relatives is definitely unhealthy for you and your child and could even be life-threatening. Even though you realize this, I can see where you might be happier hearing a homily on some other topic, and that is why I am suggesting that you maybe try a different parish.

As for feeling unwelcome, there have been many past threads on this forum where people have expressed feeling like an outsider or not totally welcome at Catholic churches because the person in question feels that they themself are somehow “different” from the other parishioners (younger, older, have kids, do not have kids, married, unmarried, coping with some life stress or mental condition, you name it) and because Catholic church members tend to be more introverted and may not be reaching out to new members in a friendly way. I doubt that anyone intends to make you feel unwelcome at church.
 
Loneheart said:
For some reason I periodically feel like I don’t belong anywhere
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You belong to God.
You belong to the Church.
If you are wheelchair bound, it will be harder for you to get yourself out there…are you also housebound?
If not, can you join a bible study or ministry at the church?
If you are housebound, get yourself put on the parishes list of people they take communion to.
And you are welcome here
:hugs: and :pray:t2:
 
Loneheart said:
I am in counselling through Catholic Community Services. I have gotten mixed messages about whether or not I need to go through the annulment process since none of the marriages were performed in a Catholic church and none of my former spouses were Catholic either. And if I do the part in the annulment process about contacting the other person is dangerous and worrisome for me.

I may be misjudging things but I don’t get the feeling that my parish priest would be very helpful.
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If you or your spouses were Catholic, then you would not need an annulment because Canon Law bars Catholics from validly contracting marriages outside of what’s prescribed by Canon Law. When neither party is bound by canon law, their marriages are presumed validly contracted and the Church’s teachings on the indissolubility of marriage. As such, an annulment would be needed.

Here’s some info on whether the spouse can be kept in the dark about the annulment. http://canonlawmadeeasy.com/2016/10/27/can-i-get-an-annulment-without-my-spouse-knowing-about-it/

Personally, though, I’d recommend taking one step at a time. Most people don’t discover they need annulments until they’re coming to the priest to enter a marriage. In terms of living your life as a faithful Catholic, it isn’t a big deal. It doesn’t effect your ability to live as a faithful Catholic now. It just may turn out to be a headache and delay in getting married later. If it’s dangerous to go through the process, you may want to wait until it’s a problem.
 
As a baptized Catholic, attempting marriage outside the Church (without permission) is common. What will happen is that the Tribunal will do a simple, short, paperwork process. You will basically need a new certified copy of your baptismal certificate from the parish where you were baptized, copies of your marriage licenses and your divorce decrees. It is not the full nullity investigation. Should take no more than 6 weeks.

They have dealt with bad, scary, even criminal ex’s before. The Tribunal staff knows how to protect you in this process.

After the Holidays, contact the Tribunal at your Diocese, they will assign you an advocate to help you through this process.

On the part of the parish, I know that when I have moved to a new parish and felt unwelcome, the best thing is to volunteer for something and to join a group. That helps to meet a few people.

We are all family, brothers and sisters in Christ.
 
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