Abused sister in denial help

[JAGCath28]

His previous girlfriend

broke up with him on his birthday for no reason. Then filed a restraining order on him because he came to her work asking why.

riiiiiiiiiiiiiight…

My sister still believes him. After this whole thing, I was like, “you really think he’s telling the truth about the restraining order?” She said, “i knew you were going to say that!”

 

[Stjudeprayforus]

His previous girlfriend riiiiiiiiiiiiiight…

My sister still believes him. After this whole thing, I was like, “you really think he’s telling the truth about the restraining order?” She said, “i knew you were going to say that!”

It is hard to get a restraining order. They dont just pass them out… there has to be a really good reason… LIKE ABUSE.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Her sister is young and her whole life is front of her if she could just see clearly and love herself.

And that is the crux of the issue. Not every verbal abuser degenerates into a physical abuser. But you can bet your bottom dollar where there is physical abuse, there is also verbal abuse.

What this girl’s boyfriend is saying to her when they are alone is being internalized. She probably doesn’t see herself as loveable. This is the best she’ll get. Who else would want her. She should count herself lucky that this guy even wants her. (Yes, that’s how she feels by the time he’s finished telling her how terrible she is.)

Any echoes of this low opinion of her from others just reinforces his message. (Mine would make up quotes from my family or take statements out of context to let me know they didn’t have any use for me. They were furious when they found out the game he was playing as he eagerly “sought them out for advice” )

The OP’s sister needs her sisters to be positive in every interaction with her. To build her up and concentrate on their past fun, past jokes, her past accomplishments. Only by reconnecting to the woman she used to be can she move forward. When she gets off the phone from a delightful funny conversation with a loving sister and he’s there ranting about her family and how messed up they are and she is and blah blah blah, she won’t think “Yeah, that’s what my sister just said. I’m garbage. He must be right about me too.” Instead, part of her will think “Why did you ruin my good mood you jerk?” People seek out those who make them feel happy and good about themselves. They eventually avoid those who make them feel bad about themselves.

THAT is what the OP needs to be doing.

 

[Stjudeprayforus]

Yep!

I was working outside of the home and was finding out… I wasnt the horrific person he made me believe.

I was a horrible wife when I wasnt making any money… horrible mother when I was out working…
Once I had a little life of my own… I would dread hearing him come in the house… I never knew what mood he was going to be in. The light started to go on that I didnt deserve this.

He would say things about me to friends and family… behind my back. Lies.
Amazing, people I thought loved me went along and listened to him…and some even believed him.

He was isolating me from any source of support.

Its not like on the first date these men start telling you that you are a worthless person… it takes a long time of slowly beating you down with words… then… the first hit is easy.

This poor sister has this in her past with her dad… this was a piece of cake to this man.
She expects to be treated as such.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

The fact your sister knew you were going to say that shows she is able to stand back enough and realize how this looks to the world. That is some progress. She needs to know that where there’s smoke, there’s fire. I’m shocked with his past restraining order that him landing a woman in the hospital didn’t merit stricter reprisals from law enforcement.

One of my kids uses a marshmallow theory. Throwing a marshmallow at someone won’t hurt them. But dumping a billion on them will kill them. Facts are like marshmallows.

Eventually she will stop interpreting every fact in his favor. But like my ex MIL, that day will only come when Restraining Order Boy crosses one too many of her interior boundaries.

I have to say, usually this kind cheats. They get bored quickly and when the new wears off and the old shines through they go lookin’ elsewhere. Your sister hasn’t even celebrated her “first anniversary” with him. He has many chances to screw up.

That usually opens women’s eyes. Because that kind uses other women to control the victim. “See how quickly you can be replaced. If you don’t do what I say, I’ll dump you and replace you by this time tomorrow.”

He already shows no self control with his temper, and apparently he has drinking issues. Not hard to believe he has that wonderful trifecta going of temper/substance abuse/womanizing.

The OP needs to be there to help her sister when the truth comes out and can’t be ignored any longer. The hard part is keeping your mouth shut and letting her realize it on her own.

I’m going through this with one of my children and a bad boyfriend situation that has her totally estranged from me. Only she can realize he’s not Mr. Wonderful. She can’t see that he is just like her father in many ways. On a few occasions I’ve seen small thumb-shaped bruises on her arms that make me wonder if he grabbed her too hard. She never knows how she got them. Tee hee.

 

[st_lucy]

OP, I know what you are and your family are going through we went through the same thing with my sister. The only advise I can give is just be there for her, she needs you. She will fail and it will be very emotional for your family to watch, but give her support. She needs to admit it to herself that she is in trouble and she needs to know that she has help. Buckle up it is a long and bumpy road, but when it is finally over you guys will all look back at the fight and she will not forget how you where there.

I have my sister back after a seven year struggle and I love every second that she is with us. I sometimes have nightmares that she is still in that horrible relationship but it is so nice to wake up and find out it is over.

I will keep her and your family as well as all victims and families of domestic violence in my prayers.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

St. Jude, the funny thing is, these guys all suffer from Special Snowflake Syndrome.

They all think they’re so freakin’ unique. I could have written your post about my ex.

Same words. Everything.

They’re exactly alike and predictable.

The words that worked to help me wake up:

*Are you waiting for one of the kids to say something to him and for him to beat the crop out of them?

*What would you advise one of your children if they were in this situation? You need to show them how, so if this happens to them, they have an example to follow.

*I believe you when you say he hit you.

*He left this message on my machine about you. (Plays message to my SISTER tailored to make me sound deranged and he is “concerned we need an intervention” trying to enlist my own sister in his campaign to make me look unstable so he can take my kids from me!) Sister asks “What REALLY happened?” (After that he hated her. She betrayed him by telling me about his call.) (When he called her crying on her shoulder about his problem with the crazy wife, he left out the part where he’d been slapping me.)

*You have to do this at your own pace. When you’re ready to break free, we’re there for you. (Someone was acknowleging I needed to be in control in ONE area of my life. Control freak had the rest locked up tight.)

All these have in common the idea that I was valued and validated and expressed the idea that I might not value myself, but I needed to protect my children. But I was valuable to them. Which I wasn’t getting from the xh.

The problem married women have is the legal system chains them to this person (even as it doesn’t support marriage at all. Go figure.) during the resolution of the problem.

It’s so much easier to escape it before a wedding.

 

[Stjudeprayforus]

*He left this message on my machine about you. (Plays message to my SISTER tailored to make me sound deranged and he is “concerned we need an intervention” trying to enlist my own sister in his campaign to make me look unstable so he can take my kids from me!) Sister asks “What REALLY happened?” (After that he hated her. She betrayed him by telling me about his call.) (When he called her crying on her shoulder about his problem with the crazy wife, he left out the part where he’d been slapping me.)

.

He did the same thing to my sister. Mine didnt want to make waves and still wanted to be friends with him. I havent spoken to her since.
I had to be rid of every part of him…including hearing about him. She gets it now… but the damage was done. I was no onger willing to have anyone in my life that I didnt trust.
And… no way was my son going to go through anymore.

My nieghbor saw me putting the garbage out one day and said " I know what you are going through… that was me along time ago. If you need someone here is my number (she had it written on a pice of paper)…she also said she owned a gun"
Then she walked away and never said another word to me about it until after she saw he was gone then she gave me a hug. Meant alot to me.

They are ALL alike.

 

[JAGCath28]

The fact your sister knew you were going to say that shows she is able to stand back enough and realize how this looks to the world. That is some progress. She needs to know that where there’s smoke, there’s fire. I’m shocked with his past restraining order that him landing a woman in the hospital didn’t merit stricter reprisals from law enforcement.

One of my kids uses a marshmallow theory. Throwing a marshmallow at someone won’t hurt them. But dumping a billion on them will kill them. Facts are like marshmallows.

Eventually she will stop interpreting every fact in his favor. But like my ex MIL, that day will only come when Restraining Order Boy crosses one too many of her interior boundaries.

I have to say, usually this kind cheats. They get bored quickly and when the new wears off and the old shines through they go lookin’ elsewhere. Your sister hasn’t even celebrated her “first anniversary” with him. He has many chances to screw up.

That usually opens women’s eyes. Because that kind uses other women to control the victim. “See how quickly you can be replaced. If you don’t do what I say, I’ll dump you and replace you by this time tomorrow.”

He already shows no self control with his temper, and apparently he has drinking issues. Not hard to believe he has that wonderful trifecta going of temper/substance abuse/womanizing.

The OP needs to be there to help her sister when the truth comes out and can’t be ignored any longer. The hard part is keeping your mouth shut and letting her realize it on her own.

I’m going through this with one of my children and a bad boyfriend situation that has her totally estranged from me. Only she can realize he’s not Mr. Wonderful. She can’t see that he is just like her father in many ways. On a few occasions I’ve seen small thumb-shaped bruises on her arms that make me wonder if he grabbed her too hard. She never knows how she got them. Tee hee.

um…he did cheat…and she forgave him and they moved on…

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I wish I could be free of xh. I still have to see him and deal with him and hear about him from the kids.

It’s made that much worse because he’s the Disneyland Daddy with no rules and I’m the unpopular enforcer.

Just not fair.

Just seeing him… the kids don’t know what they’re asking when they need to go over there and subject me to seeing him while they get something they forgot.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

OP, so in 9 months he’s cheated once and attacked her at least twice, landing her in the emergency room once.

Busy boy!



He’ll cheat again. And again. And again.

Hopefully her therapist will persuade her that she deserves better than that.

Anyone can forgive one cheating episode. It’s when it happens over and over and over. Then it dawns on you they’re not really sorry.

And when she cries he’ll hit her for crying.

If your aunts want to help, they should keep paying that therapist bill.