Abusive Father Update

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My elderly father has always been harshly judgmental and critical of me and my family. Last Christmas he stormed out of our house because we had given bottles of wine to our adult children as gifts (he is extremely fundamentalist protestant). He never apologized or explained his behavior. We cut him off for a few months.
In June, he invited my grown daughter, going through a traumatic divorce, to go on a trip with him and with my stepmother. While gone, they were rude, obnoxious, belittling, demanding, and by the end, downright abusive. They attacked her verbally, telling her she was worthless, evil, etc. because she doesn’t spank her two little daughters. There was a lot more said, but to cap it all off, my dad said that if my grandfather had been around, he would’ve shot her (my daughter). Unbelievable.
Now instead of apologizing profusely, he sends me cards with inscriptions like “I’m sorry for everything you hold against me.” I am not sure what he means, but it seems to lack apology and meaning.
I love my daughter and I can’t believe they were so horrible to her at a very vulnerable time right in front of her two toddler daughters. My daughter has decided never to see them again, and I totally support her in this.
What is my responsibility? My father is old but coherent and I can’t stand the thought of being around him and being belittled and criticized for the rest of my life. But what about honor? I guess I could just send him cards, but the last one I sent he returned (Father’s Day).
At this point, I am weary of dealing with him and how he criticizes me and my kids and my husband.
What do I do?
 
minimize your exposure to him. Your adult children can likewise make their own decisions; e.g., I think your daughter would rethink going on a trip with them again.
 
Honoring your parents does not have to include interaction with them, just as forgiving others doesn’t mean we must allow them to continue to treat us badly. 😉

Speak with your priest for more specific advice, but I would suggest doing the following:
  1. Pray for him. Also don’t wish bad/harm on him; in fact, it may be a good idea to pray for God to have mercy on him for what he’s done to you and your family.
  2. Don’t hold grudges against him. Decide to forgive him for all he’s done, even if he has not properly apologized (and even if he never does). This doesn’t mean allowing any bad behavior to continue if you still must interact with him, but only to let go of what’s in the past and not bring it up again in future.
  3. Also be willing, without “conditions,” to tell him that you forgive him if he ever does ask you for forgiveness. I would even consider sending him back a card in response to his attempt (?) at an apology with a card that says, “I forgive you for the hurtful things you said (or whatever you think he is/should be apologizing for).”
  4. Be willing to admit your own offenses and/or mistakes (however small they are in comparison to his) that may have added to the problem/disagreement.
  5. Set clear limits and boundaries for yourself if you must still interact, or for if/when he truly repents and attempts to change and is allowed back into your life. This respects both you and him.
Hope that helps. Praying for you! :gopray2:
 
Hello Musician.
Musician said:
My elderly father has always been harshly judgmental and critical of me and my family. Last Christmas he stormed out of our house because we had given bottles of wine to our adult children as gifts (he is extremely fundamentalist protestant). He never apologized or explained his behavior. We cut him off for a few months.
In June, he invited my grown daughter, going through a traumatic divorce, to go on a trip with him and with my stepmother. While gone, they were rude, obnoxious, belittling, demanding, and by the end, downright abusive. They attacked her verbally, telling her she was worthless, evil, etc. because she doesn’t spank her two little daughters. There was a lot more said, but to cap it all off, my dad said that if my grandfather had been around, he would’ve shot her (my daughter). Unbelievable.
Now instead of apologizing profusely, he sends me cards with inscriptions like “I’m sorry for everything you hold against me.” I am not sure what he means, but it seems to lack apology and meaning.
I love my daughter and I can’t believe they were so horrible to her at a very vulnerable time right in front of her two toddler daughters. My daughter has decided never to see them again, and I totally support her in this.
What is my responsibility? My father is old but coherent and I can’t stand the thought of being around him and being belittled and criticized for the rest of my life. But what about honor? I guess I could just send him cards, but the last one I sent he returned (Father’s Day).
At this point, I am weary of dealing with him and how he criticizes me and my kids and my husband.
What do I do?
Click to expand...
I occurred to me while I was reading your post that his problem could be early warnings of dementia or a problem with medication that has him unusually irritable or unaware of his choice of words. Sometimes symptoms come on like this. Try to ask his wife or others around him if this nasty streak is a recent development. Another thing I thought of is when some types of persons need extra love and attention they act out in ways that actually push people away! It seems ridiculous, but he may actually be asking for love by all these prickly behaviors. I know verbal assaults can be devastating, but he is your dad. Try to look at his antics as symptoms instead of taking it personally. When someone says something mean to me, my response to that can be either hurt or detachment. When I detach from the odd or hurtful behaviors or words, it gives me breathing room to think about how I should take whatever is being said or done. It takes the sting out of the bee and makes love a bigger possibility.

Glenda
 
He has always been mean-spirited and harsh, even in my childhood. I had to leave home at age 18 by joining the Air Force just to get away from the constant criticism.
I just can’t take any more, and also, by hurting my only daughter by hinting that she be shot is enough to keep him out of my life for now.
 
You mentioned that your father is an extremely fundamentalist protestant There is a real spiritual danger with this type of religious belief. Once a person gets into this kind of mindset and belief the attitude of self-righteousness sets in, this is one where he is convinced he has the ultimate truth, and judges others by his set of beliefs. If you hold beliefs contrary to his he can even become angry. He will dominate, become abusive at times, he is always right. The strange thing is that he is blind to his own faults, and others suffer from his self-righteous attitudes. He is spiritually blind, and only God can remove this blindness. All the reasoning in the world can not penetrate this condition, it has to come for an “interior enlightenment”, we Catholics call it “grace” So anything you do is useless to change this condition, but pray for your father, remain kind to him, don’t argue with him. He can’t help himself because of his spiritual blindness. He is spiritually handicapped. He can’t give what he doesn’t have. You will have to make adjustments to this condition, don’t let what ever he says get to you, the devil uses these situations to bring trouble in relationships, even hatred for the person. How do we treat people with handicaps, we make allowances, especially as Christians. Ask God to give you wisdom in your efforts to handle the situation in the proper manner. God guide and bless you.
 
Remember it’s your choice to have them around or not. It seems that they have been really mean parent’s in the past and most likely it will only get worst. 2 things I noticed, one is that they are protestant. If your Catholic this could be to them a strike on you. Two, divorce to them is probably not allowed so in their crazy and mean way were attempting to help your daughter. Anyways, distance is perhaps the best way to deal with over controlling, mean and protestant parents. sending cards doesn’t sound like a bad thing to one another.:mad:
 
another thing. Both you and your wife should bring up their negative behaviors and tell them you and your family won’t tolerate it. If they cont. in their ways then you have warned them. …God Bless you and good luck.😉
 
Just a thought – you are a grandmother, and your father is still alive? He must be in his 80s, Over half of folks in their 80s have some form of dementia. Although he has been harsh and judgmental all his life, it may be getting worse for this reason. And we become more solidified in our faults as we get older ( a good reason to practice habits of charity while we can still change!)
He may not be able to help his behavior. I would minimize contact, send cards and pray for him. I am sorry for your daughter, it must have been very hurtful to go through that. Try not to let his behavior affect your family, but support each other.
God bless.
 
Thanks for the clarification Musician. I hadn’t realized this was a long term problem. I will pray for you. If you’ve decided to keep a safe distance from a truly abusive person, no one can question your judgment. Safety first. But I can feel your perplexity in having to explain to others, especially in Christian communities who pre-suppose a familial closeness as the norm, why your own father isn’t part of your life or the lives of your children. It is much the same for those who struggle with other family disorders that tend to split apart the members.

Thanks for sharing and know you will be in my prayers. Trust your own judgment and stick to your guns. To me, no explanation is required. You’re fine just the way you are and your decisions need no explanation to me.

Glenda
 
As a former protestant fundamentalist kid, let me tell you I recognize the behavior entirely. Every problem a kid has can be cured by a spanking, alcohol is of the devil and anyone who partakes is a drunk who’s going to end up dying alone in a gutter, and they’ll never apologize because they’re doing god’s work to warn you of your heathen ways. I’m guessing some of that sounds familiar?

Anyways, send him a nice neutral religious card at appropriate times (something religious, KJV, but acceptable to protestants) and don’t worry about it past that. See to it that his needs are met if it’s an issue and not too much of a hardship on your own family - and remember that psychological hardship counts. Don’t worry about it, and if people ask just smile, say something noncommittal, and change the subject.

P.S. shoot me a PM if you want, I know a nice group of ex-fundamentalists who have many people who have gone through the same thing. You don’t mention if you grew up in that faith or not. But if you did they tend to preach responsibilities towards parents that are far in excess of what even the Catholic church teaches, and it’s hard to shed those views.
 
Musician said:
He has always been mean-spirited and harsh, even in my childhood. I had to leave home at age 18 by joining the Air Force just to get away from the constant criticism.
I just can’t take any more, and also, by hurting my only daughter by hinting that she be shot is enough to keep him out of my life for now.
Click to expand...
I am so sorry for this - I experienced the same kind of childhood though my relationship healed before he died. I think you have been given some amazing advice in regards to prayer. I think your loyalty to your daughter is wonderful and I agree that he needs to be given some strong boundaries.

I am going to keep you in prayer.
 
This man feeds off of misery. I say cut him off and let him starve.
 
If you’re worried about duties to parents and the 4th Commandment, I would suggest talking to a priest.
 
You do not have to be around someone who abuses you and your family. I suggest that you pray for your father, often. Talk to someone about it, a priest or counselor if you need to, but honor and respect are earned and someone who abuses someone does NOT earn honor or respect.
 
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