Abusive Father

[Musician]

My elderly father is becoming more and more abusive. This weekend he bawled out my 26-year-old daughter in front of her two children, calling her worthless, evil, and rotten. My daughter was crushed and distraught, and has decided never to see him again.
He has been verbally abusive his whole life but can also be a good person. It’s just that he will go off in rages and we can never predict them.
My therapist is of the opinion that parents are vital in our lives and we must put up with them. He is Catholic, for which I am grateful, and I understand the whole honor-your-parents thing…
I mainly feel sorry for my father’s anger and general bitterness, but I don’t want to subject myself or my family to any more of his tantrums. I can’t talk to him because he flies into a rage when I do.
Should I just write a letter explaining that he needs help for his anger? Do I offer him a time limit? Has he blown it completely?
I want to do the right thing.

 

[Rence]

My father was verbally and emotionally abusive for years, with explosive and vulgar outbursts. One day when I was 18, he came home drunk, fought with my mom, and wound up physically assaulting her. That was the last straw. I threw him out the same night, and my brother made sure he never came back. I haven’t seen him in over 26 years and I’m certainly not sorry about it.

I can see putting up with an elderly parent who is abusive due to cognitive issues. But if it’s part of a person’s dysfunctional personality and has been going on a while, I don’t see a reason in the world to subject one’s self, other family members, or children to that kind of caustic home life. It’s not healthy for anyone.

But that’s just me. I’m not into caustic home environments and allowing people to abuse me, or my loved ones.

 

[EasterJoy]

My father was verbally and emotionally abusive for years, with explosive and vulgar outbursts. One day when I was 18, he came home drunk, fought with my mom, and wound up physically assaulting her. That was the last straw. I threw him out the same night, and my brother made sure he never came back. I haven’t seen him in over 26 years and I’m certainly not sorry about it.

I can see putting up with an elderly parent who is abusive due to cognitive issues. But if it’s part of a person’s dysfunctional personality and has been going on a while, I don’t see a reason in the world to subject one’s self, other family members, or children to that kind of caustic home life. It’s not healthy for anyone.

But that’s just me. I’m not into caustic home environments and allowing people to abuse me, or my loved ones.

I knew a fellow who habitually abused his relatives, but his behavior was much improved when he quit his secret alcohol abuse. He finally realized that he just needed to stop, that he couldn’t drink responsibly. Once that was done, he was able to do the slow work of building trust with his relatives in the new capacity for self-control that he learned.

This tends to happen because someone draws a line and says, “This is unacceptable.” It can be, “I love you, I will help you to figure out how to change this behavior, Rome wasn’t built in a day, but this is unacceptable,” but the line needs to be drawn. It is in everyone’s best interest, in the long run, because repentance and at least an effort at amendment are what we sinners need, not the false pretense of being excused for what is really inexcusable. The Alzheimer’s patient has an excuse; the alcoholic or the addict does not.

 

[EasterJoy]

My elderly father is becoming more and more abusive. This weekend he bawled out my 26-year-old daughter in front of her two children, calling her worthless, evil, and rotten. My daughter was crushed and distraught, and has decided never to see him again.
He has been verbally abusive his whole life but can also be a good person. It’s just that he will go off in rages and we can never predict them.
My therapist is of the opinion that parents are vital in our lives and we must put up with them. He is Catholic, for which I am grateful, and I understand the whole honor-your-parents thing…
I mainly feel sorry for my father’s anger and general bitterness, but I don’t want to subject myself or my family to any more of his tantrums. I can’t talk to him because he flies into a rage when I do.
Should I just write a letter explaining that he needs help for his anger? Do I offer him a time limit? Has he blown it completely?
I want to do the right thing.

Suck it up and visit him for one last talk. in person Try to choose a time when he will be as emotionally calm and well-rested as he is ever likely to be. Do not dredge up a laundry list of wrongs; those are water under the bridge. Rather, explain that you have decided that your general rules about what sort of treatment you will and will not allow towards yourself and your family are now going to include him, too. Explain your boundaries. Explain the consequences for those who violate them. Explain that this includes him, that this is your decision, and not up for negotiation.

If he violates your conditions of what sort of treatment you will or will not tolerate or refuses to hear you out at all, then tell him that when he is ready to treat you as you and your family will now insist on being treated, he can contact you. Until then, he will have the society of those who are willing to take what he dishes out, which no longer includes you. You want a good relationship with him, but you’ll not have a terrible relationship instead of none at all, since the way to get a good relationship is to insist on the rules that make such a thing possible at all.

Then the ball is in his court. Let him do what he’ll do, but stick to your decision. I think you will feel the most serenity this way, even if he tries to stage some “dramas”. (Just because he puts on a drama does not mean you need to take the stage with him or stick around for the performance.) If he throws your effort out before it gets off the ground, let that be on his head. Shake the dust off of your feet, and move on.

If he has been this way for a lifetime, you might like Melody Beattie’s “Co-Dependent No More”. Even if he has no addiction, the book has some good insights about how to draw boundaries and keep your nose in the business that is actually under your control and within your realm of duty.

 

[Rence]

I knew a fellow who habitually abused his relatives, but his behavior was much improved when he quit his secret alcohol abuse. He finally realized that he just needed to stop, that he couldn’t drink responsibly. Once that was done, he was able to do the slow work of building trust with his relatives in the new capacity for self-control that he learned.

This tends to happen because someone draws a line and says, “This is unacceptable.”.

It doesn’t tend to happen, it sometimes happens. And sometimes it doesn’t happen. After habitually drawing the line, and habitually restricting interaction, cutting off the person completely is the only way to end the abuse. You can’t change someone’s behavior unless they want to change it themselves. You just can’t do that for them. But you CAN limit your exposure to them. That works for as long as you want it to

 

[mommy_k]

I am sorry he verbally attacked your daughter.

How old is your dad? Sometimes a cognitive decline adds to the problem. I have an elderly abusive relarive. The last time we saw the relative it was pretty bad. The relative was quietly abusive when I was younger, and now it is just out of control, yelling, nasty comments etc. I tried to talk to them about it and was given a very hard time-and was then subject to some abuse myself. I suggested a check up at the doctor, and boom-another attack.

We live far away, but I call to check on them and so on. I have not visited or invited the relative here, as I have younger children too. I can take the abuse as an adult, and know when to hang up etc…so it’s just one on one. I emotionally disconnected a long time ago, so it’s something I do because I feel it’s a duty because no one else talks to them, except the caretaker, and I can handle it for now.

 

[Musician]

Thank you all for your advice. It is sincerely appreciated.
My father is only 73, and I have a hard time believing he has Alzheimer’s or dementia because he functions fairly well in most other areas. He has always been prone to outbursts of anger. I know that his childhood was major-league traumatic but I feel as though I can’t excuse him any more just because of that.
I have already tried talking to him but he is full of excuses, sanctimony, and blames everything on others. Plus he just loses it and acts ridiculous. That’s why I felt a short note would be better, because he won’t listen to me.
I’m thinking of urging him into some sort of anger management counseling. I hate that he will miss his final years with his grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

 

[pianistclare]

Thank you all for your advice. It is sincerely appreciated.
My father is only 73, and I have a hard time believing he has Alzheimer’s or dementia because he functions fairly well in most other areas. He has always been prone to outbursts of anger… I hate that he will miss his final years with his grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

But know that if he does miss his final years with them, it’s HIS choice.
Remember, you all are not choosing to set him off. He is doing that all on his own, as a grown man who should know better. Like another poster said, honor the relationship, but don’t be a victim any longer. God expects us to love people. Not be their doormat.
Remember the passage about dusting your sandals off…
God bless you. It’s hard when you love someone and they just refuse your love.
All you can do is pray, and protect yourself by steering clear.

 

[Winter_Warlock_1]

Musician,

Sorry you are experiencing this, I will pray for you and your family. My opinion is this: cut off contact with him, or at least do not let any small children near him – never expose them to abuse such as this. You can try to talk to him one-on-one, but at his age he will not change. Just as with any other type of abuse – physical, emotional, drug or alcohol – until the person hits rock bottom or realizes they have a problem and WANT to change – they will not.

You seem like a very caring person – so if cutting off all contact is not an option for you: instead of visiting or calling how about writing to him? Asking how he is and that you are keeping him in your prayers. Maybe he will write back without the hostility.

Winter

 

[tawny]

My elderly father is becoming more and more abusive. This weekend he bawled out my 26-year-old daughter in front of her two children, calling her worthless, evil, and rotten. My daughter was crushed and distraught, and has decided never to see him again.
He has been verbally abusive his whole life but can also be a good person. It’s just that he will go off in rages and we can never predict them.
My therapist is of the opinion that parents are vital in our lives and we must put up with them. He is Catholic, for which I am grateful, and I understand the whole honor-your-parents thing…
I mainly feel sorry for my father’s anger and general bitterness, but I don’t want to subject myself or my family to any more of his tantrums. I can’t talk to him because he flies into a rage when I do.
Should I just write a letter explaining that he needs help for his anger? Do I offer him a time limit? Has he blown it completely?
I want to do the right thing.

Praying for you & your family’s intentions.

 

[gh4]

I’m a nurse. I worked at an Alzheimer’s facility for about 10 years and then spent about 7 years taking care of two parents with dementia.
In the elderly a UTI can be present with very few symptoms and no pain to the patient and can cause a myriad of psuedo symptoms in the elderly. Once the UTI is treated all those symptoms can go away. There are other issues that can do the same thing.

So, if he were my father, I’d be sure that he gets to the doc for a physical. You didn’t mention if your mother is still alive and living with him or if he’s living alone. But something as simple as a UTI can exacerbate the temper he’s always had.

The beginning stages of any kind of dementia can be very hard to pin down. They can be ok at one point and then flip into confusion or anger or crying or any of many different symptoms and then seem fine for a long time before they display any other symptoms. Even the time of day can change their personalities. (Sundowners is a VERY real thing) So I guess I would not be so quick to discount that some kind of dementia could be setting in.

But anyhow, I’d make sure my parent saw a physician before I shunned them for the rest of their life.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you all for your advice. It is sincerely appreciated.
My father is only 73, and I have a hard time believing he has Alzheimer’s or dementia because he functions fairly well in most other areas. He has always been prone to outbursts of anger. I know that his childhood was major-league traumatic but I feel as though I can’t excuse him any more just because of that.
I have already tried talking to him but he is full of excuses, sanctimony, and blames everything on others. Plus he just loses it and acts ridiculous. That’s why I felt a short note would be better, because he won’t listen to me.
I’m thinking of urging him into some sort of anger management counseling. I hate that he will miss his final years with his grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

The first thing to remember is that being a difficult person is no inoculation against dementia. I had a relative who was very hard of hearing who started acting somewhat erratically, but it was chalked up to his being cranky because his hearing loss was getting worse. He had a brain tumor.

My mother began to get upset with things that would not previously have upset her, and would get very upset when someone tried to point out she was making a logical mistake. It was our first hint that she had vascular dementia. Even many years into her struggle, when she was so bad that she was unable to cook a dish she had been doing for many years without making some unnoticed but vital mistake, a mistake she could not recognize even after the fact, she could keep up a conversation with someone who did not know about her condition and fail to make the impression that there was a thing wrong with her.

If you know someone who seems to have a noticeable change in their mental status, especially someone who suddenly starts to “act ridiculous” compared to their previous standard of behavior, you do best to keep an eye on it. If it is not just a passing thing, get them to a doctor and get them worked up. Get them a baseline cognitive evaluation.

**gh4 **pointed out that something that would seem to be inconsequential and might even be temporary, such as a urinary tract infection, can cause serious mental status changes in a person over 65. This is absolutely true. Drugs that have been taken for many years can also start to interact in unpredicted ways. The liver works differently and more slowly as we age, as do the kidneys. The brain is more vulnerable to swings in its chemical environment. Changes in sleep can cause a vicious cycle to start. Many things can go on that will seriously affect a person’s mental status without there being an actual chronic “dementia” disorder.

When you choose a physician, try to find someone who specializes in geriatrics, or who has a sizable number of geriatric patients. This is a specialty field, with a lot to know.

 

[Xantippe]

gh4 said:

“The beginning stages of any kind of dementia can be very hard to pin down. They can be ok at one point and then flip into confusion or anger or crying or any of many different symptoms and then seem fine for a long time before they display any other symptoms.”

Yeah.

One of my elderly relative’s dementia manifested in the fact that he, a lifelong stingy and suspicious guy, suddenly became an easy mark for sweepstakes, political campaigns, and gold sellers. (After he died, his home turned out to be stuffed with junky refurbished electronics he had “won.” He also got ripped off by some gold sellers–the gold coins he ordered and paid for never materialized.)

Another elderly relative’s dementia first manifested itself in the fact that he was suddenly flirting ridiculously and embarrassingly with waitresses.

Any change in behavior in an elderly person (or in anybody, really) should be investigated.

Best wishes!

 

[MacQ]

My elderly father is becoming more and more abusive. This weekend he bawled out my 26-year-old daughter in front of her two children, calling her worthless, evil, and rotten. My daughter was crushed and distraught, and has decided never to see him again.
He has been verbally abusive his whole life but can also be a good person. It’s just that he will go off in rages and we can never predict them.
My therapist is of the opinion that parents are vital in our lives and we must put up with them. He is Catholic, for which I am grateful, and I understand the whole honor-your-parents thing…
I mainly feel sorry for my father’s anger and general bitterness, but I don’t want to subject myself or my family to any more of his tantrums. I can’t talk to him because he flies into a rage when I do.
Should I just write a letter explaining that he needs help for his anger? Do I offer him a time limit? Has he blown it completely?
I want to do the right thing.

The physical someone suggested isn’t a bad idea in case something is going on…
You do say this is a lifelong pattern tho.
Explain to your daughter not to take it personally…Grandpa is sick.
You can’t change HIM, but you can model for her how one deals with this kind of thing.
If he’s a drinker, you need to go to AlAnon.

 

[gh4]

And, by the way, the YOUNGEST patient with Alzheimer’s I’ve taken care of was 48. My Mom was about 80 when she first started to change, and it took about 2 years before she got bad enough to no longer be able to live without supervision. My Dad hid her dementia pretty well at first, but as he became more demented it was harder for him to hid my Mom’s problems.

I took care of a really sweet little old gal and her first sign of Alzheimer’s was when she answered the door with a gun in her hand!!! She scared her next door neighbor half to death. Thankfully the gun was not loaded, but she thought it was and threatened to shoot the neighbor for stealing from her. (the neighbor never stole a thing…)

One of my Dad’s first symptoms was when he was burning lots of paperwork and such in their fireplace. His neighbors called me. I tried to keep my parents in their home as long as I could, but the meals on wheels people refused to go to my parents home after my father threatened to beat them up!!!

So, you just never know. And he might be in pain, pain can make people meaner. He might have something else going on. Please, if he’s not under care of a doctor (meaning seeing a doc every 4 or 6 weeks or so for a known problem) get him in for a comprehensive physical.

 

[Musician]

I don’t think he is suffering from dementia or the like. He has always been verbally abusive and prone to fly into rages (nonphysical). He will say the most hurtful things you can imagine. So this has been an ongoing problem all my life.
He is a very fundamentalist Christian, very anti-Catholic although he hasn’t said much to me about it since I converted. I guess one big problem is that he is very critical of me and my whole family, children and grandchildren. We can seldom do anything right. He has a bad tendency to talk about us behind our backs as well.
If he ever does anything for anyone, he can’t get over it and will hold it over your head forever.
Yet, he does have his good points. He’s very generous and can be good company when he wants to be.
He texted me last night: “We (he and my stepmother) are very wounded. We thot we were loved. We are leaving. I love you.”
He’s trying to manipulate me emotionally, blackmail really, which I don’t appreciate. My husband decided to explain to him that this time, he really burned his bridges by attacking my daughter verbally and with such venom. DH suggested that he (my dad) do everything in his power to make things right or he would miss out on our family life.
We haven’t heard back but I suspect that they view the situation as victims rather than the aggressors. I guess we are just supposed to put up with random outbursts of anger.
Not gonna happen. Our family life is very peaceful and harmonious with all our children and grandchildren around us. I just don’t want to walk on eggshells anymore.

 

[MacQ]

I don’t think he is suffering from dementia or the like. He has always been verbally abusive and prone to fly into rages (nonphysical). He will say the most hurtful things you can imagine. So this has been an ongoing problem all my life.
He is a very fundamentalist Christian, very anti-Catholic although he hasn’t said much to me about it since I converted. I guess one big problem is that he is very critical of me and my whole family, children and grandchildren. We can seldom do anything right. He has a bad tendency to talk about us behind our backs as well.
If he ever does anything for anyone, he can’t get over it and will hold it over your head forever.
Yet, he does have his good points. He’s very generous and can be good company when he wants to be.
He texted me last night: “We (he and my stepmother) are very wounded. We thot we were loved. We are leaving. I love you.”
He’s trying to manipulate me emotionally, blackmail really, which I don’t appreciate. My husband decided to explain to him that this time, he really burned his bridges by attacking my daughter verbally and with such venom. DH suggested that he (my dad) do everything in his power to make things right or he would miss out on our family life.
We haven’t heard back but I suspect that they view the situation as victims rather than the aggressors. I guess we are just supposed to put up with random outbursts of anger.
Not gonna happen. Our family life is very peaceful and harmonious with all our children and grandchildren around us. I just don’t want to walk on eggshells anymore.

It’s go that you recognize manipulation and patterns and don’t fall into traps and don’t take it personally. Good lessons for your wounded daughter too.

 

[holyrood]

He sounds very like my father. He, too, says the most awful, hurtful things, and then regards himself as the victim when I don’t accept that kind of treatment. I’ve had several letters and ugly phone calls over the years telling me what a wonderful father he is and listing all my faults. There has also been some out and out physical assault in the past.

My answer, largely on advice here about six years ago, was to limit contact.

He’s angry about it, but to deny that he’s done these things at all, and view himself as the victim.

He’s the same age as your dad.

Your daughter is fortunate to have you and your husband standing behind her.

 

[gh4]

We (he and my stepmother)

Forget much of what I said! I thought he was living alone, a widower perhaps. But if he’s got a wife with him, then it’s pretty much up to her to figure out if he’s got medical issues. You might mention that he needs a complete physical work up, but if she says he’s good, then it’s off your shoulders.
How does he get along with his wife, I’m curious. Does he treat her the same way? And if he does, how on earth does she justify staying in the same house with him?

 

[Musician]

My father is pretty abusive to most people, including my stepmother. He will make a big deal about her interrupting him to say something, even though it is germane to the discussion at hand. He makes us all uncomfortable because we never know when he’ll get mad about something inconsequential.
He is currently playing the victim card with my daughter, as though she were hurting him by withholding contact from her children. I told her to be strong, because she explained herself very lovingly and firmly to him, and told him she couldn’t trust him to be around her daughters anymore. So now she is hurting him (???). He is the one who attacked her verbally, not the other way around. I am guessing that he is grasping at straws to avoid responsibility.
Not sure what to do next, really. My (Catholic) therapist told me that my grown children certainly have the right to withhold contact because of their small children. He advised to me to maintain contact as much as possible. I just don’t want to, that’s all.