Abusive mother uses God as excuse

[Smugleaf]

I recently moved back in with my mum, by her invitation, due to hardship. I am saving up to go to university and make a better life for myself/my future family. The problem is, my mother is an abusive person. She has abused me verbally and emotionally my entire childhood, to the point where she was reported to the authorities and nearly lost her parental rights several times. I have no other option than to live with her due to the economic climate in the UK and my lack of qualifications. There isn’t an option for me to move anywhere else. I apply for literally around a hundred jobs every week and have had several interviews, but nothing solid so far. Furthermore, even when I do get employment, I will have to stay with her until I have saved enough money.

She constantly uses God and the Church as the excuse for her abuse. She says she needs to shape me and bring me up (I am 23 years old) and that I can’t have things the way I want. The issue is not having things the way I want, the issue is that every time I open my mouth, she responds with shouting. I cannot even defend myself, as more shouting follows if I try this. When I calmly leave the room, she then shouts when I re-emerge, then denies having ever even spoken unpleasantly to me and makes me out to be a liar. She has even told me that the Holy Spirit is telling her to do abusive things.

I am lost and don’t know how to reason with her. In the past, reasoning with her only ever worked if a therapist was in the room, and even then this would last perhaps a couple of weeks – after that I was back in counselling because of her abusive behaviour, and another counsellor would spend literally months talking to her until she accepted any of it. This cycle repeated for most of my childhood.

I was considering going back to the Church, but her behaviour is making me doubt that this religion could have any positive influence on my life, when it seems to have made her into such an unpredictable and mean person. Before she became so religious, she was a little unstable, but this seems to have opened the door to complete insanity in her mind. It’s as if she feels that she can do whatever she wants because as long as she is Catholic God will still approve of her (and by extension her hurtful actions). She is not healthy in her attitude to the Church because her prayer practices and literal hoarding of religious artefacts appear to be rooted in some kind of obsession.

This is why I’m coming to you, dear CAF’ers, to ask what you would do, as Catholics, to reason with such a person.

 

[SurlyMermaid]

My mother was abusive. I’m sad that she is a stumbling block for you in the faith. That’s completely uncool.

You can’t reason with abusers. Period. You just can’t. Take it from this older gal.

You’re about to get some wise, wonderful advice from other members. I offer you my support, my ear, and virtual hugs and prayers. :hug1:

 

[Smugleaf]

My mother was abusive. I’m sad that she is a stumbling block for you in the faith. That’s completely uncool.

You can’t reason with abusers. Period. You just can’t. Take it from this older gal.

You’re about to get some wise, wonderful advice from other members. I offer you my support, my ear, and virtual hugs and prayers. :hug1:

Thank you so very much. I try my best to ignore her behaviour. :hug1:

 

[Irishmom2]

I recently moved back in with my mum, by her invitation, due to hardship. I am saving up to go to university and make a better life for myself/my future family. The problem is, my mother is an abusive person. She has abused me verbally and emotionally my entire childhood, to the point where she was reported to the authorities and nearly lost her parental rights several times. I am so sorry to hear this. It could not have been easy for you.I have no other option than to live with her due to the economic climate in the UK and my lack of qualifications. There isn’t an option for me to move anywhere else. This is unfortunately the reality for people right now, isn’t it? I apply for literally around a hundred jobs every week and have had several interviews, but nothing solid so far. Furthermore, even when I do get employment, I will have to stay with her until I have saved enough money.

She constantly uses God and the Church as the excuse for her abuse. No, God is never an excuse for bad behavior.She says she needs to shape me and bring me up (I am 23 years old) and that I can’t have things the way I want. The issue is not having things the way I want, the issue is that every time I open my mouth, What are you saying to her? Opinions of things or just everyday things like what you are going to eat or do that day? she responds with shouting. I cannot even defend myself, as more shouting follows if I try this. When I calmly leave the room, she then shouts when I re-emerge, then denies having ever even spoken unpleasantly to me and makes me out to be a liar. She has even told me that the Holy Spirit is telling her to do abusive things. This is disturbing. She can’t really believe this. It doesn’t make any sense.

I am lost and don’t know how to reason with her. In the past, reasoning with her only ever worked if a therapist was in the room, and even then this would last perhaps a couple of weeks – after that I was back in counselling because of her abusive behaviour, and another counsellor would spend literally months talking to her until she accepted any of it. This cycle repeated for most of my childhood.Any possibility that you could get counseling alone for you to learn how to deal with her?

I was considering going back to the Church, but her behaviour is making me doubt that this religion could have any positive influence on my life, when it seems to have made her into such an unpredictable and mean person. Please, you need to know that the Church did not make her into an unpredictable and mean person. It sounds like she may have some issues that need psychological help. I know you said she has gone in the past, but that is a separate issue and the Church is not the cause of her behavior. Before she became so religious, she was a little unstable, but this seems to have opened the door to complete insanity in her mind. No, she now uses the Church as her excuse for her insanity.It’s as if she feels that she can do whatever she wants because as long as she is Catholic God will still approve of her Her thinking is kind of faulty here…If she is sinning she needs to ask God’s forgiveness. He is not going to approve of what ever she does by the mere fact that she is Catholic. It is not a license for bad behavior.(and by extension her hurtful actions). She is not healthy in her attitude to the Church because her prayer practices and literal hoarding of religious artefacts appear to be rooted in some kind of obsession. I am glad that you see this.

This is why I’m coming to you, dear CAF’ers, to ask what you would do, as Catholics, to reason with such a person.

Do you think that you can separate your mother’s behavior and her use of the Church as her reasoning for all that she does, with your possible desire to return to the Church? You really need to know that her views are not right. I don’t know how long you have been away or to what extent (whether you are confirmed or not) but perhaps you might want to consider joining an RCIA group to learn more about the Catholic faith.

As far as living at home with her, you are in a difficult position. You need to be there as you have no where else to go. I would try to make yourself useful around the house helping out, but minimize your time at home. Go to the library and read, go to a friends house. Keep busy. Sit in Church and pray for God’s will for you and for your mother. I am sorry I do not have much advice for you, but I will say a prayer for both of you. May God bless you and guide you.

 

[Smugleaf]

Irishmom, thank you for your post. You are of course correct in saying that being religious does not give one the licence to be an awful person (I was a devout Catholic myself for many years). She just appears not to believe that she is doing anything wrong in treating me this way.

As for what I say to her, it can be the smallest things, for example this morning I asked her to try to speak a little quieter because there was someone still asleep in the house and she started yelling at me.

I am trying to avoid her, but we live quite far out and beautiful British weather keeps me at home most days!

Thank you very much for your prayers and support.

 

[kmuestwin]

When you deal with her and she becomes verbally abusive, don’t allow her to get you to escalate the situation emotionally. Try and stay cool so that eventually she runs out of ammunition. It’s hard but its the best way to keep from saying something inflammatory and fueling a bigger arguement.

The problem is that as an adult living in a parent’s home, you really can’t have things the way you want. You are essentially a guest on the whim of your host.

The best thing you can do is to be a better role model for her. When she hurts you, try and love her more. You are both adults so you both have a choice to make. Whenever she harms you respond with sincere love and she will eventually lose her will to fight. Don’t let her trick you into an arguement.

 

[Smugleaf]

When she hurts you, try and love her more. You are both adults so you both have a choice to make. Whenever she harms you respond with sincere love and she will eventually lose her will to fight. Don’t let her trick you into an arguement.

Does not work, she just walks all over me more because she knows she’ll get away with it.

 

[MSSheBear]

Smugleaf: I have two suggestions for you: one, move out even to a homeless shelter, if available. Please seriously consider this. Two, if that isn’t an option, try to avoid spending time at home as much as possible. I have no idea what the situation in the UK is like but I do understand very high rents. My living situation is uncomfortable inasmuch as I only have a room in a crowded house and I find just leaving, spending time in my car, in the library, on public transit, in church, much more pragmatic then trying to deal with certain people.:twocents:

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I agree with the above poster. I would live on the street rather than continue to be abused day after day. Just being in her house means that your mother has power over you, and she is not afraid to wield it. You may end up being so discouraged by this treatment of you that you won’t be able to find a job. Is there ANYONE else you can stay with? A friend, aunt, uncle, cousin, rent a tiny bedsit, go on the dole? your self-esteem is going to suffer from the exposure to an abuser.

I would work manual labor with pride for the rest of my life, not to be abused every day.

 

[ubcgirl]

What kind of training and job experience do you have? Do you have any special skills? Like the above poster said, even if manual labour is an option, take it! Be persistent - if there is a job you particularly want, and are qualified for, go back, and go back again. It seems in this day and age, if you don’t know the right people, you have to be persistent enough to show them that you will fight for the job. But with all that said, it is a rough economy everywhere right now and will take time.

My dad was abusive - and a very strict Catholic. I left the church for many years - probably from about your age when I gave up altogether, until I recently came back. But a good, devout Catholic person will be loving and showing Christ’s love. It does sound like your mom has psychological issues. I could give you all the advice in the world, but I’ve been there, and I know words of encouragement will only help fleetingly until you’re in that moment again.

Is it possible to live with roommates? The more people living in a house/flat, the cheaper the rent will be! A lot of young people are able to work as live-in nannies in Europe as well - would that be an option? Especially since it sounds like you don’t have too much going on for you where you’re living right now.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

This is why I’m coming to you, dear CAF’ers, to ask what you would do, as Catholics, to reason with such a person.

You can’t reason with an emotionally unbalanced person, which from your post is a mild term to describe your mother.

You basically have two options: continue to live with your mother or move out.

If you continue to live in her house, you’ll have to accept that you’re not going to be able to reason with her or change her behavior towards you; the most you can do to change how you react to her. Keep in mind that being the continued target for her abuse can and will have long-term effects on your mental health. I’ve know women who’ve spent their adult lives with mothers such as yours, and by the time they themselves are in their 40s and 50s they’re just as damaged emotionally as their parent.

My vote, for what it’s worth, is to find your own housing ASAP. Even if it means living in a shelter or youth hostel. Even if it means renting a cracker box and sharing it with eight other people. Your mental and emotional health may depend on you getting out of this toxic environment ASAP.

Luna

 

[Serap]

No one has stated this, but it seems as though your mother has some sort of mental illness. She sounds deeply disturbed and ill.

You must be really strong to have turned out so well, regardless of her behaviour. Hold onto that strength and use it to better yourself. You are on the right track. Secure a job, save up and leave as soon as you can.

You’ve already stated that you have no choice, but to live there, so I’m not going to tell you that you should leave. You are an adult and you have made your plan of action. Now go and make it happen.

You cannot reason with an ill person, so don’t even bother trying with your mother. You’ll get no where. Don’t confront her about anything; it’s useless. She’ll just yell at you and it’s not your fault. Stick to your goal and leave when you can.

 

[k8e308]

I haven’t time to read through all the replies, so please forgive me if I repeat something.

You stated you are considering coming back to the Church, and I suggest this as the first step to getting away from your mother (which, to me, is your only option for the sake of your sanity). Go to you nearest parish (or the nearest that your mother does not attend), and ask to speak with the priest. Tell him what’s going on, and see if you might be able to live with the nearest religious order. As a faithful Catholic, if I had to get out of my living situation, this would be my first step.

If that won’t work for you, go to the authorities and tell them that you are living in an abusive situation and need to get out. Since your mother has been reported in the past, I don’t see why they wouldn’t help you (though I don’t know the laws in England, in the U.S. I don’t think there would be much question of some sort of help).

Regardless of how you do it, find someway to get out of this situation.

 

[Smugleaf]

Thank you all for your responses, I do appreciate them all. Things have calmed down for now. Like I said earlier, I am absolutely unable to live anywhere else, for several reasons. But I have been spending less time indoors, and that has helped.

 

[amrin]

I’ve had an abusive mother aswell due to her mental illness. From my experience you can’t reason with a person like that. Like someone suggested before, just spend the least time possible at home and as soon as you can move out. Run and pray for her. That’s the best you can do for you and her.