It wasn’t until I became pregnant with my first child at 25 that I realized that my mothers behavior was odd. It kind of takes one of those life changing moments ( becoming a parent) to see some things like this I think.
What do you mean by “odd?” For example, symptoms that indicated mental illness, or she had changed somehow? Or she had not changed but your viewpoint toward her did?
I struggle with guilt. I continue to put myself in the path of drama that surrounds my family and then if I mention a resolution or point out ( not aggressively even) a pattern of behavior, I am instantly the bad guy. On Monday, this situation I just described happened. During a conversation with my mother over the phone I pointed out some things I had become aware of due to the internet about another family members behavior and I wanted to discuss it with my mother. She told me I was hate filled and hung up on me, twice. She hasn’t called me since, nor has my dad. I sit here thinking what I did wrong. Blaming myself for even mentioning anything. I’m not sure when my parents will call me. I’m not sure if I even should call them. I mean, she hung up on me.
Was this how their behavior changed, or did it change before this event?
I’d say that whether you “should have” mentioned it depends on what you expected to get out of the conversation with her. Was it normal for you to confide in her about this other family member and suddenly this time it upset her, or was this something “out of the blue?” Because I don’t know how much of this is shocking to her, how much she is hiding something, or some combination. Because with some families such as one I’m involved with, pain and/or shock will be transformed into blaming. When there is a problem, somebody’s going to pay.
But whether there was a reason, you did so the question is really, what to do now. Has she gone back to treating you “normally,” or is this a permanent change in your relationship?
Someone had mentioned above about, “Parenting the parent.” I find that interesting because I was speaking with my therapist about this phone call situation last week and I mentioned just that… “It feels sometimes, like I have to parent my parents.” That’s not my job.
It isn’t your job, so don’t do it. If that’s what you were trying to do when your mom got upset, that may help explain what triggered her. Unless she’s mentally ill or senile. It’s pretty common for parents to do their best raising children who then turn around and tell them what’s what … like how they should act, what they should eat, wear, do, etc.
I just have a lot of emotions even from past events that surround my parents behaviors. I think I should write a letter to them. Not really give it to them… but to just get it out of myself.
Yes, write a letter. Make it honest. But for gosh sakes do not fail to destroy it because these are feelings you’ll have to process without sharing unless you want to damage whatever may be left of the relationship over something that isn’t going to do her any good. If she’s abusive she won’t change.
Another strategy I’ve used against people who have hurt me is to imagine them dying and explaining to God what they’ve done to me. Careful with this approach, sometimes I end up feeling sorry for those I am angry at.
Do you still see her once in a while and do anything together? Was she physically threatening or ever disown you?
Alan
Jesus wants what is best for you, and being in an abusive relationship is definitely not what’s best for you.
