Acceptable age gap in dating

[Love_Divine]

Can anyone give me an acceptable non-creepy age gap for someone who’s 25? I work with a girl who’s 21 and engaged to another co-worker who’s in his 50s, and the general consensus at work is that’s gross (he has adult kids the same age as her). I agree, but I’m wondering what’s the maximum age gap is for a woman who’s 25 to have a successful healthy relationship with purpose of marriage? I just seems like guys my age are immature, but I don’t want to be in a creepy unhealthy age gap relationship.

 

[SalesianSDB]

My English teacher is married to my TV Production teacher who is 18 years older than her. And from what I’ve seen, they’ve made it work.

I personally think that if you are committed to making it work, and age gap can overcome. “Love conquers all.”

 

[Love_Divine]

My English teacher is married to my TV Production teacher who is 18 years older than her. And from what I’ve seen, they’ve made it work.

I personally think that if you are committed to making it work, and age gap can overcome. “Love conquers all.”

True, but psychologists have also found that girls who date men who are significantly older typically come from a home where there is no father figure and that the older significant other is the replacement for that part missing from the girl’s life. I don’t want to be in one of those situations/

 

[pprenosil]

I think it depends on how old you are partially. For a 20 year old, 15 years older is too much. For a 30 year old, 15 years is not out of the question. As a 25 year old I would have thought 10 years older was plenty. But this is all relative and personal opinion. Certainly if you (or any girl) had an absent or abusive father she must be very careful about who she dates (regardless of age). God has the ultimate plan and it is our job to discern that plan through prayer, etc. If there is a specific person you are dating or considering dating, then bring that to God in prayer and ask Him to guide you and guard your heart. Then continue to pray through every step of the relationship–always ready to follow God’s lead even if it means stopping a relationship you would like to hold on to.
Sorry, went a bit off the age topic there, but I think it applies because while extreme age differences are usually an indicator of something wrong, there is no hard and fast “cut off” for age difference. ANY relationship requires discenment–age gap or not.

 

[Being_Brave]

I think the creepiness starts when they are old enough to be your parents or have kids your age. (I’m 24, and for me it would be anyone older than early 30’s.)

The rule I gave myself when I was still in school was 2 years. I’d heard that boys mature at a rate 2 years slower than girls (I have no source to cite, I might even have made it up) and decided that anyone older than that wouldn’t look at me like an equal. My husband is 2 years older than me and he’s awesome.

My younger sister didn’t put such restrictions on herself. She is 22 an it’s common for her to go on dates with men as old as 45. THAT totally creeps me out, I bought her mace and a whistle . Our dad was always around and wasn’t abusive, so I don’t it’s a dad complex in her case, but I’ve met women who definitely favor men who look or act like their fathers.

 

[JohnDamian]

Age is rather irrelevant.

My parents were 19.5 years apart; it didn’t cause any problems and it certainly was not “creepy”.

There are much more important thing’s than age.

 

[smithm29]

My dad’s wife is only ten years older than me. It’s definitely weird.

I do like having my kids call her “mawmaw”, though. They’re older than her kids. <_<

 

[jlyn1110]

I don’t think that age is quite as important as common life experience. For various reasons, a 21 year old and a 33 year old can both be finishing Bachelors’ degrees at the same time; this doesn’t necessarily make them compatible or relationship material, but allows each party to consider a wider pool of potential spouses.

In high school and college, the “rule” for dating a younger person was that they should be no younger than 1/2 the older person’s age plus 7.

Personal opinion? I do think it’s a little strange that the OP’s co-worker is engaged to someone so much older…but as long as both parties are happy with the arrangement and the relationship is free from abuse, it is best to stay out of other people’s personal lives.

 

[Love_Divine]

but as long as both parties are happy with the arrangement and the relationship is free from abuse, it is best to stay out of other people’s personal lives.

Would love to except she posts all her drama on Facebook and brings it to work with her.

 

[CelticSword]

Can anyone give me an acceptable non-creepy age gap for someone who’s 25? … I’m wondering what’s the maximum age gap is for a woman who’s 25 to have a successful healthy relationship with purpose of marriage? I just seems like guys my age are immature, but I don’t want to be in a creepy unhealthy age gap relationship.

To further echo what is said here, it varies by individual couple. From my experience, problems arise when the older half of the couple starts acting toward the younger like a parent, and when the age gap is so great that the two people are at considerably different stages of their lives.

I’m 34 (male) and recently dated a woman who was about 9 years younger than me. It ultimately didn’t work out, but age was not a factor at all, to either of us or to any of our family and friends. At my age, I’m done with the proverbial sowing of my wild oats (never was much for it to begin with, really, but that was back when I was away from the church.) Even though she was only in her early-to-mid-20s, she, too, was looking to get married and start a family. We just realized that we weren’t right for each other and broke it off before the idea of getting married seriously entered the relationship.

In high school and college, the “rule” for dating a younger person was that they should be no younger than 1/2 the older person’s age plus 7.

Heh. I know some men who use this rule well into adulthood. That makes it okay for a guy who is 50 to date a woman who is 32, I guess.

And don’t forget the California Corollary to that rule, which says that the man is allowed to deduct 2 years from the minimum age of the woman for each million dollars of his annual income. So, that 50 year old can now date a woman as young as 22 provided he earns at least 5 million dollars a year.

I think Hugh Hefner is the biggest booster of the California Corollary.

 

[PatriceA]

Would love to except she posts all her drama on Facebook and brings it to work with her.

It seems its easier to focus on the age difference to what is causing the relationship to be creepy for other people. But if this co-worker is a big drama queen, and brings her drama to work with her and makes everyone miserable in the process, she could be that way with any one she dates.

I don’t think that a big age difference automatically means there is some wrong with the situation. I’ve known a couple of marriages that have a 20 year age difference between the spouses and they worked because of the other factors involved in discerning a marriage partner.

 

[RazzsMom]

Vast age differences can sometimes work out. I agree with a few of the others that I think it is based upon the individual’s life experiences and their outlook on life.

My father was 14 years older than Mom. They married when Mom was 20. They worked together, and she says it was a bit “scandalous” at the time. But Daddy was “young” for his age – always was. He enjoyed things like a man 15 years younger did. He was always very physically fit and a very intelligent man who loved to read. Mom was always the “mature” girl in her circle of friends. So their relationship worked — for 42 years when Daddy died.

The only weird part was, due to Mom’s mother being from “the hollers” of W. Virginia, Grandma was married at the age of 16 and had Mom young. So it ended up that my Dad was only three years younger than Grandma!!!

 

[rapunzel77]

It doesn’t matter to much. I’m 32 and my husband is about to be 41. We have a 9 year gap but it doesn’t feel that way. The only time that it comes up is if he mentions a song or a tv show that he remembers and I was to young to remember it. I do think that any gap above 15 years might be very odd. My grandfather’s third wife is younger than my dad by a couple of years. Its odd but they have managed to make it work somehow.

 

[Bataar]

This has been an issue for me as well. I’m 31 and most women I meet that I actually find interesting are generally aged 19 - 21. I never attempt to go out with any of them because for me, it creeps me out. I thought this was really weird until I was reading more informationi about my Asperger’s Syndrome and found out that it is common for people with Asperger’s to have their emotional and social maturity around two thirds of their actual age. Which for me, would be just over 20. It makes sense, but still doesn’t really seem less creepy.

 

[Irish_Girl_68]

I married a guy 15 years my senior when I was 26 (first marriage for both). I knew he was older the first time we met but assumed it was only by seven years at the max. But, after the initial shock and “weirdness” of it, I realized what a kind person he was. We had the same goals and life desires, so it worked then and still does now.

I think that our situation is pretty unusual, however. When we met, my husband was looking for a woman no older than 30 or so…to marry and have a family with. I don’t think that’s typically the case. Older men (or women too, for that matter) seeking a much younger dating partner may be more interested in the “trophy” aspect of it. So, I really think it just depends on the couple and their goals. But, overall, I’d recommend not getting too caught up in the number.

 

[Being_Brave]

This has been an issue for me as well. I’m 31 and most women I meet that I actually find interesting are generally aged 19 - 21. I never attempt to go out with any of them because for me, it creeps me out. I thought this was really weird until I was reading more informationi about my Asperger’s Syndrome and found out that it is common for people with Asperger’s to have their emotional and social maturity around two thirds of their actual age. Which for me, would be just over 20. It makes sense, but still doesn’t really seem less creepy.

Excellent point! That reminds me of a study I came across when I worked in BH about maturity being stunted by trauma or illness. I can’t remember the name or authors of it, but they said that war veterans came back at generally the same social/emotional level they left in. My brother went to Iraq for four years, and when he came back it was like he was still 18 (wanted to party, only dated girls still in high school, etc…). By that time I owned my house, cars, and was married. He usually dates seniors in high school, so they are 18 (and legal), but I guess that’s probably the best match for him since women our age would probably smack him around for acting like a teenager

My grandpa married a woman that was born the same day that my dad was (30 years younger), but they really are great for each other. I guess there are exceptions to every rule, but I still think that it’s a little strange to see a Santa-like fella with a 28 year old.

not saying that everyone who dates someone younger is emotionally stunted, I just didn’t think about it in a “social maturity” way until I read Bataar’s post

 

[Em_in_FL]

I started dating my husband when I was 19… he was 29.
We got engaged at 21/31, and married at 22/32…

I would say we probably meet somewhere in the middle maturity-wise.

 

[StJudePray4Me]

I don’t think that age is quite as important as common life experience. For various reasons, a 21 year old and a 33 year old can both be finishing Bachelors’ degrees at the same time; this doesn’t necessarily make them compatible or relationship material, but allows each party to consider a wider pool of potential spouses.

In high school and college, the “rule” for dating a younger person was that they should be no younger than 1/2 the older person’s age plus 7.

Personal opinion? I do think it’s a little strange that the OP’s co-worker is engaged to someone so much older…but as long as both parties are happy with the arrangement and the relationship is free from abuse, it is best to stay out of other people’s personal lives.

I totally agree. DH was 28 and I was 21 when we started dating. However, he was finishing up a graduate degree and I was finishing my BA. We were both starting out, looking for jobs, etc. (He had a professional career that he worked at for several years but gave up to go back to school). We never had a problem. In fact, when I had been seeing him for a while, I realized that I never found a guy I liked at my College because they were all too young and immature! LOL!

However, as much as we got along and had a lot in common, I am sure that if we met under different circumstances and he had been working at his profession for 10 years and I was just getting my degree, it would not have worked out.

 

[RyanL_s_Wife]

I think it all depends on the maturity level of the people involved. A great friend from my college years started dating her now husband when she was 19. She is now 32 and he is in his mid 50’s. They have 2 year old twins and are extremely happy. (Even if he has a grandson a few months older than his twins.)

They tried to set me up with one of his friends when I was about 21. I made through half the date before deciding it was just too creepy for me. But, I never once thought their relationship was creepy.

On the contrary, my FIL is dating a girl half his age (a year younger than his youngest son) … and it is so not a healthy relationship. She is very insecure and that presents itself as immaturity. I think she fits into the category someone mentioned earlier with the absent father/father-figure scenario. We feel so bad for her kids. It’s just not good for any of them.

All of that is to say, it really depends on the people involved. (And, I feel, the maturity level of both parties involved in the relationship.)

 

[Msb1973]

I’d like to chime in here. I met a wonderful woman who is younger than I. She’s mature and smart and, when we met I guessed her older than she was. We hit it off right away and I really liked from the start.

As I am considerably older, her family does not approve though they like me. It’s causing problems in that she wants their blessing (as do I) for a relationship. We would like the opportunity to be together and see if age will cause things to break, but they will not approve.
In their household, the kids live there later into life and they want their kids to marry out if the house. It’s like nothing I have ever seen but so be it. Their attitudes are hurting our relationship as she is conflicted about her want to be with me and her want to please her family.

I will be entering RCIA next year and will be coming to the faith. I am in the process of Anulment of my previous marriage as well.

I have been in love before but never like this. We talk on the phone for 5 or 6 hours a night and always laugh and understand each other. We enjoy any opportunity to spend time together and it feels right - for lack of a better word. I feel that just as God is calling me to the faith, I feel she is so right for me, and that we are so good together.

Not to hijack the thread but I pray that I we can be together. Share our lives and faith together and live happily ever after.