Acceptance and healing from familial abuse?

[jmjZelie]

I have seen lots of threads lately here on abuse. It has got me asking myself a few questions. I am working through this with a counselor, but we didn’t have time to address these recently.

For those of us who have been abandoned, abused or rejected by parents, why do we feel the need to know why our parents did this to us?

The question of why is one that hurts really badly and it is the one that has lingered long past the point at which I learned to forgive.

As a parent myself, even on my most difficult days, even when I felt most desperate, I would never put out my own children, or abandon them or abuse them. So why did my parents do so?

I know that there is no good answer to this question, so why does my heart keep asking it? I would like to just accept that it happened and move on. But thus far it seems that these wounds will last a lifetime.

As an aside, it makes perfect sense to me that Jesus came as a newborn babe. He wanted to be loved and adored by His holy mother.

Does anyone have any advice for what to do with the “why?” question?

 

[bitterhope]

I thank God everyday I never had to experience that kind of heartache, but I have a long lust if foster siblings that still, sometimes 30+ years later, wonder why they went through the things they did. I admire the strength you have to have made it through and to have made a better life for your children.

I think one of the reasons the “why?” sticks with you and others that have gone through similar circumstances has at least a little to go with guilt. Please let go of that guilt. If is normal to wonder what is so wrong with you that these things happened because parents are supposed to always live and care for their children. Kids usually think, even subconsciously, that they must have done something to cause it. You did not. They were adults that made very poor decisions and hurt a child (or children) and that is never acceptable. Nothing you did caused it. Nothing about you spurred it. You were an innocent victim in a very cruel broken home. I am so sorry. You deserved better. Your a users don’t deserve the power you continue to allow them to have over you. They will continue to manipulate your emotions until you are able to forgive yourself and let go if the guilt. I assure you, you did nothing wrong and I will pray to Our Lady of Lourdes for your healing.

God did not cause that treatment either. I don’t know why he would allow it to occur, but my best guess is that He saw in you the strength to survive. He saw in you the beauty of a woman that would cling to Him throughout good times and bad times. He saw in you a modern day Job. He knew that you would be strong enough to not only survive, but He knew you would use your hard times to create an amazing home for your own family. Through your suffering, many other souls may have been saved. I pray that one day this will bring comfort to you.

You are not alone in your experiences. Many good people suffer tremendously in life. Prayers of thanksgiving often bring comfort to broken souls. Think of all the positives and then praise God for them. Praise Him for allowing you to rise up like Lazarus. I don’t know if the hard times paved the path for any if the good things in your life, but if they did, thank God especially for those particular blessings. I am here if you need someone. You are in my prayers.

 

[Irishmom2]

I am sorry this happened to you, and I am sorry that your healing is such that you still are wondering “why.”

Maybe the reason you need to know so badly is because you cannot imagine doing this to your own children. It is unimaginable to you. Impossible.

I think the truth may lie in the fact that some parents were somehow damaged themselves. They have never healed and are just perpetuating the damage because they were damaged.

One thing I realized recently about my imperfect parents (not that they were ever abusive, rejecting or abandoning, but it applies, I think) is that they really did the best they knew how. They did what they did to survive sometimes at a job they may have disliked. They gave us things and did without. They didn’t give us the attention we give our children nowadays because they were preoccupied, or just plain tired.

I know this may not be the case for everyone, but it really helped me when I made that realization. They did the best they knew how.

I hope that others can help you better than me, and give you some insight, and understanding. May God Bless you and guide you.****

 

[Irishmom2]

Nice post, bitterhope.

 

[1990Domer]

I know I wanted to know “why” because I needed closure to forgive and not hold grudges. I also needed to know why I was considered unloveable by certain toxic family members, despite being respectful and loving to them.

My therapist helped with the why, confession helped with the forgiveness and adoration helped me stay strong because we live in a fallen world and fallen people do fallen things…often very terrible things.

I will bring your prayers to adoration tomorrow. God bless.