Accepting my Husband

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Redrosie

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Hello everyone. I am new to the forum but feel like I really need to vent, so I ask your patience with me.

My husband and I will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary late this month. During those years we have had our share (sometimes I wonder if more than our share) of heartaches, both personal and with family. My only sibling died 18 years ago at the age of 39 from cancer. We lost three children to miscarriage. My mother died 8 years ago. My elderly father moved in with our family 2 1/2 years ago, and died 1 1/2 years ago; basically wasting away over grief from my mother’s death. The year he lived with us was very stressful on me, my husband, and our 20 YO daughter and 18 YO son. My FIL died 8 years ago also, and most of my husband’s family doesn’t speak to us.

Now it is back to the four of us in our country home, but for some reason I find my resentment building with my husband’s detachment from our home life. He was never very inspired to work around the house, but for the past few years, with our son being able to mow our (more or less) acre and a half, and do other things, all my husband really does on the weekend is st and watch TV or do Flight Simulator on the computer. When I took it upon myself to do some major work - I replaced the stnding tub in our laundry room with a wall-mounted one, cleared the “popcorn” off the ceiling, painted ceiling and walls, and put in an new vinyl tile floor - he was furious. We had been talking about doing ths for months, he knew I was ordering the new sink, yet when I got tired of waiting for him to do it and thought I’d just try it myself, he barely spoke to me for two days.

Don’t get me wrong - we do have our good moments - but this past weekend really upset me. We were planning a 25th anniversary trip, or rather I was doing all the research, investigation, etc. while he watched TV. We had been considering the outer banks of NC. Saturday he says that maybe a road trip would be nice instead, perhaps to western TN or eastern NC, somewhere in the Smoky Mountains. OK. I start all over on my research and spend most of the day on it. I find a cabin that looks nice and a selection of activities. Last evening I ask him to look at them with me, as our time is starting to run short. He says ok he will. Well, he was too busy watching Columbo on the Roku (which I researched, bought, and installed when he complained the DirecTV bill was too high) and never even looked at it with me. I could feel myself just deflate. I am so tired of carrying the load for everything around the house and he can’t even show any interest in plans for our silver anniversary trip. It is the first vacation we have taken in 17 years… I just want to cry. I am worn out and don’t know what to do. I am tired of being the one who arranges everything, takes care of all the house repairs, has to try do do the things he never does but I don’t know how to do (put up stair railings, install flooring, fix crooked doors . … ) I know he works hard at a job he hates but does that give his carte blanche to do nothing at home? Last night (while he was watching TV and I was researching cabin rentals) I got both uf os a glass of wine from the kitchen but when it’s time to lock up and go to bed he only takes HIS glass to the kitchen, not mine. Never mind I still needed to take my dog out and shut down the laptop from RESEARCHING FOR OUR VACTION!

I’m sorry to make this so long, I have not been able to provide a full picture because then it woud really be long, but I am alone and sometimes I wonder why I even try any more. He says he loves me but I am just worn out.

TY for reading and please pray for me to find strength.
 
Two Questions:
  1. Do you love him?
  2. Are you happy in this relationship?
People should not stay in marriages/relationships just because they are “used to them” or even worse “comfortably numb” in the relationship.

If you don’t love your husband or aren’t happy, life is short and you should move on in your life, on to bigger and better things.

If you do truly love him, and think the marriage is worth it, by all means, COMMUNICATION is the key. Tell him exactly what you just told us, and have a very happy
Silver Anniversary!
 
theCrow said:
Two Questions:
  1. Do you love him?
  2. Are you happy in this relationship?
People should not stay in marriages/relationships just because they are “used to them” or even worse “comfortably numb” in the relationship.

If you don’t love your husband or aren’t happy, life is short and you should move on in your life, on to bigger and better things.

If you do truly love him, and think the marriage is worth it, by all means, COMMUNICATION is the key. Tell him exactly what you just told us, and have a very happy
Silver Anniversary!
Click to expand...
Um…if people should walk away from marriage just because they don’t feel happy, then what is the point of vows?

On my wedding day I promised my life to my husband with the idea that those promises would carry us through anything, regardless of our feelings. In the absence of abuse, substance issues, or other extenuating circumstances that affect health and safety, married couples have a responsibility to work through things and try to be happy again, regardless of whether or not they feel like it.
 
Redrosie said:
I’m sorry to make this so long, I have not been able to provide a full picture because then it woud really be long, but I am alone and sometimes I wonder why I even try any more. He says he loves me but I am just worn out.

TY for reading and please pray for me to find strength.
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You and your marriage will be in my prayers Redrosie. Remember that a spouse will often become complacent when the other is picking up the slack. Your annoyance may be a sign that you are trying to pick up too much slack.

Consider going on a vacation or a retreat by yourself - possibly to a monastery where you can recharge your spiritual batteries and let him experience the consequences of his own lack of investment.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
Um…if people should walk away from marriage just because they don’t feel happy, then what is the point of vows?

On my wedding day I promised my life to my husband with the idea that those promises would carry us through anything, regardless of our feelings. In the absence of abuse, substance issues, or other extenuating circumstances that affect health and safety, married couples have a responsibility to work through things and try to be happy again, regardless of whether or not they feel like it.
Click to expand...
👍

Take some time when you are not feeling tired, resentful, etc. to talk to your husband about how you feel. If he won’t try to understand your point of view, consider speaking with your pastor or a counselor. I am sorry for all of the trials you have undergone, and wish you the very best.
 
theCrow said:
Two Questions:
  1. Do you love him?
  2. Are you happy in this relationship?
People should not stay in marriages/relationships just because they are “used to them” or even worse “comfortably numb” in the relationship.

If you don’t love your husband or aren’t happy, life is short and you should move on in your life, on to bigger and better things.

If you do truly love him, and think the marriage is worth it, by all means, COMMUNICATION is the key. Tell him exactly what you just told us, and have a very happy
Silver Anniversary!
Click to expand...
If love is your religion, that’s one religion I don’t want to know more about.
 
heidi_storage said:
👍

Take some time when you are not feeling tired, resentful, etc. to talk to your husband about how you feel. If he won’t try to understand your point of view, consider speaking with your pastor or a counselor. I am sorry for all of the trials you have undergone, and wish you the very best.
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Great advice. I hope it all words out for them.
 
A few thoughts:
  1. Your husband sounds depressed. Evaluation with doctor and counseling for the two of you?
  2. Is the country place something you wanted or that he wanted? Because it doesn’t sound like he’s into it. Maybe he’d do better living closer to civilization, with people and businesses and social activities and a shorter commute? Be open to moving if he mentions that he doesn’t actually like living where you are.
  3. Working hard at a job he hates is kind of a big deal. Can he get some career counseling? Take a community college class in something he’s always been interested in? Start a side business?
He may resist any improvement (that’s not unusual for depressed people) but at least raise these issues with your husband and do research and make appropriate appointments.

Best wishes!
 
By the way, it’s quite normal for men your husband’s age to plan a career change.

I’m not encouraging some sort of wacky irresponsible business idea, but slow, careful steps toward something he’d like better.

I’d suggest taking one community college class every term until he discovers something he loves and can make money doing.

Best wishes!
 
Bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness are poison to relationships. You know that you are feeling that, have you sat down and asked him what he is going through? You said he hates his job, is he in depression? Is he taking the time at home to numb himself? I would be concerned that he is ‘unplugging’ from his reality.

Have a quiet conversation together, ask him what is going on with him, then ask what you can do to make life better for him. Be ready to have a reply, that you can say what’s going on with you and what he can do to make your life better. You are in a partnership to help each other. “Let’s help each other so that a year from now, we aren’t in this place we are today.”

Can you together offer your day/marriage to honor one mystery of the Rosary? Let’s say today is Monday, Mondays are the Joyful Mysteries. You can offer your joys, sorrows, and sufferings of this day to honor the Annunciation. Tues is the Sorrowful Mysteries. The first week offer the first mysteries, so it would be the agony in the garden. Remember together that our Blessed Mother came in 1917 at Fatima to ask for prayers and sacrifices for the conversion of sinners, for peace in this world. This will give you both a purpose greater than yourselves, that together you are working in the vineyard of the Lord.

In the meantime, go to the sacraments and confess that bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness are really taking over in your heart. They can break relationships and God is waiting in the sacraments to help you get rid of this poison. He can work so indeed a year from now, or 6 months from now, you’ll be in a better place. Both of you. When you are working in the vineyard, God is there to take care of his workers as they tire.

May God bless and strengthen you today.
 
theCrow said:
Two Questions:
  1. Do you love him?
  2. Are you happy in this relationship?
People should not stay in marriages/relationships just because they are “used to them” or even worse “comfortably numb” in the relationship.

If you don’t love your husband or aren’t happy, life is short and you should move on in your life, on to bigger and better things.

If you do truly love him, and think the marriage is worth it, by all means, COMMUNICATION is the key. Tell him exactly what you just told us, and have a very happy
Silver Anniversary!
Click to expand...
When a couple get married, often there is a huge amount of love. As life goes on though, love may be less a feeling but a choice to do an action for the other. No one likes to be up in the middle of the night with a sick child, yet in love, a parent does it. No one is ‘happy’ doing that but that is what love does. *‘Happy’ can come and go, Love is an action.
*
Let’s look at Luke 10:30-37
Jesus speaks of the man on the road that fell among robbers who stripped him, beat him and left him half dead on the road. A priest went by, a Levite went by. Finally a Samaritan showed him mercy, approached him, dressed his wounds, brought him to an inn keeper and gave money with the request to look after him, and on his return would take care of further expenses. Jesus asks which one was neighbor to the man who fell in with the robbers? The one who had compassion and mercy of course. Jesus said to go and do likewise.

Not once is it mentioned that the good Samaritan was ‘happy’ yet he, at great expense and inconvenience, helped a stranger. Can we say he ‘loved’ him? Yes. But more importantly Jesus will say that he loved him. Will Jesus not help and strengthen a marriage that he was blessing from the very beginning? Of course he would,** because sometimes we are the man who fell among robbers and Jesus is the good Samaritan.**

A Catholic has the sacraments to ‘plug into’ the power of God. God was present at their vows and he knows how weak we are. He is waiting to come into a situation to strengthen and help partners. He is very interested in strong and happy marriages!
 
Been there. Done that. I’ve been the husband you describe. Actually worse.

And I have a sh**ty job for hours right now. I mean, 60 or 70 hour workweeks are not unusual, and all I want to do when I’m home is watch Star Trek. And the honey-do list grows.

Honestly, Retrouvaille ← Click There] saved our marriage several years ago.

Maybe there is a conference you can attend before your anniversary trip?

You loved each other when you were married, you can fall in love with each other again.

When is your anniversary? I will pray.

…Now I’ve done it… instead of watching Star Trek I’ll be praying for some couple I don’t know, and the toilet upstairs needs a wax seal… (Just Kidding, I mean not about the wax seal, but about the time comitment for prayer being a problem.)
 
I probably should have added: Men are pretty stupid, as a general rule. I can say this because I am one.

He may not be aware there is a problem.

You gotta let him know very clearly that there is a problem, but don’t start a fight, and let him know a “friend” suggested the conference, and it’s important to you.

Use your feminine wiles, even if he thinks it’s stupid.

If you guys go to a Retrouvaille conference before the vacation you will be really happy during the vacation. Really.

My wife and I travelled hundreds of miles to go to the nearest Retrouvaille conference, and we were looking up divorce lawyers and separating property in our heads when we went.
 
Something that isn’t clear from your post, is how you have approached this with your husband in the past? Surely this is not a new thing, so have you tried things like making him a list, scheduling time to discuss important matters, asking for his help when you are about to start working on something?

Also, does he eventually get around to things, just not on your timeline, or does he just not bother at all?

I ask because my husband is very similar to yours, in that it takes some pushing to get things done. I have learned to relax a little about it- I am the kind of person who wants something done, and wants it done now, and it’s rather unfair to him. So, I make lists for him and ask him when he thinks he will be able to get certain items done. Sometimes I have to bug him a little, but I also try to choose battles wisely because he is very tired from work (well, we both are but his job is more demanding than mine is) and he does deserve to come home and watch TV or play games to relax without having to jump right into my list.

As for the vacation- similarly, we went on a vacation recently that I planned out entirely myself. He simply had no interest, didn’t care where we went, just wanted me to choose where we went and what we did and he would go along. I was frustrated at first, but ended up having fun planning things and he had a great time too. We got to do what I wanted, and both enjoyed ourselves. It is probably the case that your husband doesn’t really care to go on vacation, and is going along to make you happy. Give him a little credit for that. Instead of making him look through a slew of cabins and activities, can you just choose a place and some activities, and say “Hey what do you think about this plan? Is it okay with you?” I think if you’re expecting him to be as enthused as you are, you’re not going to have a good time.

I have only been married a few years, so maybe I don’t know what I am talking about. Maybe one day I will be bitter and resent my husband’s complacency, I don’t know. But in our relationship, I am naturally the organizer, the researcher, the arranger of the household affairs. I’m better at it, and if I’m being honest with myself, as much as I get irritated when he doesn’t have an opinion about something, I like getting to choose where we go on vacation, or what furniture to pick for the baby’s room, and so forth.

I don’t think this is really a unique problem, I think a lot of spouses deal with one who is a little more lax about things than the other. I think your marriage could benefit from some better communication, it seems. Inwardly fuming without giving him the benefit of letting him know you’re upset is like poison. I am not saying that he should not make more of an effort to be involved, help around the house, and show interest in your plans. Maybe you have employed some strategies to help the situation, like talking about an agreed upon date for a job to be finished, for example. If you’ve tried things and failed, counseling is probably in order. If not, though, it would be worth trying the list, asking him to schedule a time to discuss something, choosing a date together by which a home project should get done.
 
theCrow said:
Two Questions:
  1. Do you love him?
  2. Are you happy in this relationship?
People should not stay in marriages/relationships just because they are “used to them” or even worse “comfortably numb” in the relationship.

If you don’t love your husband or aren’t happy, life is short and you should move on in your life, on to bigger and better things.

If you do truly love him, and think the marriage is worth it, by all means, COMMUNICATION is the key. Tell him exactly what you just told us, and have a very happy
Silver Anniversary!
Click to expand...
… I was just reading from the life of Saint Phiilip Neri yesterday.

theCrow reminds me of the false confessor on page 7, I looked this up because Pope Francis mentioned Saint Philip Neri last week.

Seriously, Retrouvaille.

You won’t regret it.

Crow - How long have you been married? How many children do you have? What ages? And how are you able to give such good and wise advice?
 
Sean_St_Jude said:
If love is your religion, that’s one religion I don’t want to know more about.
Click to expand...
That’s not love.

Love is keeping your promises. Love is being willing to sacrifice for your spouse-even if that means sacrificing your own happiness.

Why even get married if you’re going to leave as soon as you’re no longer happy? Why not just date? That seems more appropriate for that kind of attitude.

What do you do when your spouse gets sick? Do you think that spouses of cancer patients are “happy”? Do you think that their sick, tired, hospitalized, incapacitated spouse makes them “happy”, or do you think that being in that marriage would be a long, difficult struggle full of heartache, fear, and anger? I’ve been there, and it isn’t a happy time-but it’s an obligation that you take on when you get married. Fortunately, my husband is in remission, but there are a lot of people who aren’t so lucky, and their battle with cancer lasts years, or even decades. Are their spouses free to just walk away because they aren’t “happy”, or don’t “feel” love anymore?

And the problems don’t end when the sickness does. My husband and I had to go to counseling after he got better-just as his oncologist predicted we would. We fought CONSTANTLY. Making the transition back from caretaker to wife was extremely difficult for both of us. Once he was better, I would have been able to walk away guilt-free since he was now healthy. It certainly would have been the easier path, but I wouldn’t do it because I love him. My husband, our marriage, and my vows were worth fighting for, and I was willing to persist in however long it took to get things back on track. If you don’t see yourself being willing to do the same, the kindest, smartest thing to do is not marry.
 
That Man is You! Men’s Program

Christian Fatherhood by Steve Wood
 
heidi_storage said:
👍

Take some time when you are not feeling tired, resentful, etc. to talk to your husband about how you feel. If he won’t try to understand your point of view, consider speaking with your pastor or a counselor. I am sorry for all of the trials you have undergone, and wish you the very best.
Click to expand...
Also, does he eventually get around to things, just not on your timeline, or does he just not bother at all?
Click to expand...
. It is probably the case that your husband doesn’t really care to go on vacation, and is going along to make you happy
Click to expand...
.

No, he really never gets around to things. For instance, he was going to install trim around the kitchen floor and still hasn’t done it after two years. The anniversary vacation is something we have been talking about for several years. In fact he first suggested it about 10 years ago. He wanted to go on an Alaskan cruise. Now he just wants to get in the car and drive somewhere, he doesn’t care where.’
  1. Is the country place something you wanted or that he wanted?
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Nine years ago he got a job out in this area, and he wanted to move here. I hated itaa and was very homesick, as were our kids who were 8 ans 12 at the time. But we like it now. The job he had at the time turned sour and he is on his second job since then, now working back near where we used to live. It’s about a 50 mile commute. He looks for jobs but just can’t find anything in his field (he is a purchasing/sourcing manager) unless we would relocate to another state. At his age (53) he is reluctant to take that kind of chance to uproot everybody like that.

He occasionally mentions buying a business or doing something else. But again, he feels his age is a drawback. I have been encouraging him in this, but it always follows the same pattern: he talks about it for a while, then it falls by the wayside.

My confessor said that maybe this is just my cross to bear. I try so hard to be there for our kids (especially our 20 yo daughter who is very shy and doesn’t know what she wants to do) do everything around the house but I am constantly behind. I feel so lonely because I have no family anymore - sometimes I still catch myself thinking Oh I need to call mom and talk to her about something, but she’s been gone for 8 years.

I do know I have much to be grateful for. My husband has always had a job, except for about 7 months in 1994 when he was unemployed, which enabled me to stay home and homeschool our children. That, BTW, was something he pushed for, and it took me a while to come around to it. He doesn’t run around and get drunk and fool around. He occasionally shows some affection. So I guess it could be a lot worse.

Our anniversary is August 26. Again, thank you all for your prayers and your kind advice.
 
Redrosie said:
.

No, he really never gets around to things. For instance, he was going to install trim around the kitchen floor and still hasn’t done it after two years. The anniversary vacation is something we have been talking about for several years. In fact he first suggested it about 10 years ago. He wanted to go on an Alaskan cruise. Now he just wants to get in the car and drive somewhere, he doesn’t care where.’

Nine years ago he got a job out in this area, and he wanted to move here. I hated itaa and was very homesick, as were our kids who were 8 ans 12 at the time. But we like it now. The job he had at the time turned sour and he is on his second job since then, now working back near where we used to live. It’s about a 50 mile commute. He looks for jobs but just can’t find anything in his field (he is a purchasing/sourcing manager) unless we would relocate to another state. At his age (53) he is reluctant to take that kind of chance to uproot everybody like that.

He occasionally mentions buying a business or doing something else. But again, he feels his age is a drawback. I have been encouraging him in this, but it always follows the same pattern: he talks about it for a while, then it falls by the wayside.

My confessor said that maybe this is just my cross to bear. I try so hard to be there for our kids (especially our 20 yo daughter who is very shy and doesn’t know what she wants to do) do everything around the house but I am constantly behind. I feel so lonely because I have no family anymore - sometimes I still catch myself thinking Oh I need to call mom and talk to her about something, but she’s been gone for 8 years.

I do know I have much to be grateful for. My husband has always had a job, except for about 7 months in 1994 when he was unemployed, which enabled me to stay home and homeschool our children. That, BTW, was something he pushed for, and it took me a while to come around to it. He doesn’t run around and get drunk and fool around. He occasionally shows some affection. So I guess it could be a lot worse.

Our anniversary is August 26. Again, thank you all for your prayers and your kind advice.
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50 miles each way is brutal. Maybe it’s time to work on getting a little closer. This is worth reading:

slate.com/articles/business/moneybox/2011/05/your_commute_is_killing_you.html

I think I wouldn’t “buy a business,” as being inexperienced, you would almost certainly overpay–I’ve seen it happen quite a number of times.

Best wishes!
 
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