Account: "I Still Have Hope That Christ Will Bring My Kids Back to the Faith."

[mdgspencer]

I Still Have Hope That Christ Will Bring My Kids Back to the Faith

There’s no small amount of soul searching that goes on when someone you love leaves the faith. You look for that moment when you guessed wrong…

 

[QwertyGirl]

This article struck me as so sad, but not for the reason of the writer’s children leaving the Church.

We cannot control other people. Why would we allow the choice they make with regards to leaving a religion impact us so severely?

My mother was sad when I finally had to tell her Catholicism is antithetical to almost everything I believe in. But she never saw me as someone who was “bad” or who had allowed “evil” to sway me, etc., as I have read here that some people do when they are in the same situaton. She didn’t view me as someone demonstrating “adolescent” behavior, as the writer did her own children. My Mom took seriously that I am a person with my own mind and that I will make my own decisions. She didn’t allow it to perpetuate a sadness in her, because she understood I have a right to make my choices just as she did hers. I am a good person (yes, I know many of you here hate that assessment as a measure of where someone stands with God). Mom had many children, all lined up in the pew, at one time, too. I don’t know that she ever assumed they would stay there as they matured into free-thinking adults finding their way in the world. She “gets” that I know with my whole heart it would be wrong for me to practice a religion I can’t get behind.

If you have kids that are happy and healthy (and yes, “good people”), then you have done a good job and there doesn’t need to be sadness. No two people journey the same way through life, and that includes spiritually. Save the sadness for situations that are really sad. This doesn’t need to be one of them.

 

[MagdalenaRita]

This article struck me as so sad, but not for the reason of the writer’s children leaving the Church.

We cannot control other people. Why would we allow the choice they make with regards to leaving a religion impact us so severely?

It should impact us very severely if we love someone. Leaving the faith puts ones soul in grave danger for eternity, which is never ending. No one knows when their last breath will come and we pray for our children that they be in a state of being able to enter eternity with God.

I am a good person (yes, I know many of you here hate that assessment as a measure of where someone stands with God).

I know you are coming from an unsure/nonbelieving point of view but it’s just that being good will never, ever, ever get you to heaven. What is the measuring stick for good? Jesus said God alone is good.

If you have kids that are happy and healthy (and yes, “good people”), then you have done a good job and there doesn’t need to be sadness.

Again, what is the measuring stick to know who is a good person?

I am a Catholic revert and my father absolutely refused to follow the thought, that at least she is a good person and so he prayed many, many rosaries for me which I am ever so grateful because happiness and health is fleeting. They do not last and actually being good, what ever that may be, can change in a heartbeat. What goes on into eternity, our relationship with God is what matters.

No two people journey the same way through life, and that includes spiritually.

Jesus is the only way to heaven.

Save the sadness for situations that are really sad. This doesn’t need to be one of them.

I will agree it is better to trust in God, that He does answer prayer but there is absolutely nothing that could be sadder than someone losing their faith and dying in a state of mortal sin.

 

[QwertyGirl]

Your points definitely highlight the difference in the way Catholics see things from the way agnostics and atheists see things.

My point is just that if you believe all of your children are going to stick with the Catholic faith, just because you raised them in it, you are going to have a lot of “sadness” (or anger or whatever other way your emotions manifest themselves). I don’t think it is necessary, at all. If one truly has faith in God (speaking about Catholics, here), then a parent shouldn’t skip a beat when this happens. God created us as individuals. It is to be expected.

I would never presume my children were going to arrive at adulthood with the exact same values, moral beliefs, and spiritual beliefs that I had just because I did my best to impart these things to them as children. I think it is a strange worldview that anyone would expect that, to be honest.

I know a lot of Catholic parents who walk around with this sadness, trying to burden the adult children who disappointed them with a sense of responsibility for “making their parents sad”. It is a terrible thing to do to your kids. I am so glad my Mom was able to manage her disappointment so that, later in life, we have a good and healthy relationship. It was rocky at first, but she learned quickly I wasn’t going to stick around for that nonsense.

 

[Thom18]

I understand that you don’t consider leaving Catholicism to be a “bad thing to do”, but for a parent who truly believes what they profess each week to see their child turn away from the God Who they wanted you to have a relationship with is a crushing blow. For us, our Faith is the most important thing in our lives, our relationship with God the most precious we could ever have. To have a child who we tried to share this with reject it all causes all kinds of emotions within us, none of them good.

Think: perhaps you don’t believe in God, but you certainly know the Catholic belief that God is love, and that He loves us infinitely more than an earthly parent could love their own child. If a parent is so distraught about their child rejecting God, imagine how He feels. He feels that rejection infinitely more, and He feels your parent’s pain more intensely. And if a parent of such a child knows this about God, their sadness is compounded.

Tl;dr: a parent of a child who leaves the Faith feels intense sorrow. For us, this is about the worst thing that could happen to us. How could we “save our sorrow” for something else when this is one of the greatest reasons to grieve?

 

[MagdalenaRita]

My point is just that if you believe all of your children are going to stick with the Catholic faith, just because you raised them in it, you are going to have a lot of “sadness” (or anger or whatever other way your emotions manifest themselves). I don’t think it is necessary, at all. If one truly has faith in God (speaking about Catholics, here), then a parent shouldn’t skip a beat when this happens. God created us as individuals. It is to be expected.

Most Catholic parents do have this hope and I realize it is hard for you to understand coming from your spiritual viewpoint but I am sure you understand that a parent always wants what is best for their child and heaven is the ultimate best.

I know a lot of Catholic parents who walk around with this sadness, trying to burden the adult children who disappointed them with a sense of responsibility for “making their parents sad”. It is a terrible thing to do to your kids.

I would agree. A parent does not need to lay any guilt trip on their child.

I am so glad my Mom was able to manage her disappointment so that, later in life, we have a good and healthy relationship. It was rocky at first, but she learned quickly I wasn’t going to stick around for that nonsense.

I would suspect that like many parents your mom prays a lot, a very lot for you and still has hope you will return to the faith, even if she is quiet about it to you. Just because we do not express our feelings and hopes to our children doesn’t mean they aren’t there.
I never tell my family all that I am praying for them about but I am sure going to do it for as long as I can.

 

[QwertyGirl]

On what grounds would a parent expect all of their children will arrive at adulthood subscribing to everying belief the parent has? I don’t get this. I understand how important a Catholic’s beliefs are to him/herself, but why would you expect your kids to buy in to all of it and subscribe to it all as adults? In my opinion, it isn’t a realistic hope. Then the sadness comes. And then one has to ask how does that impact the relationship between parent and child? I don’t think a parent has a right to public sadness over a child who leaves the Church. Were they really ever in it? (I don’t know. Just posing the question). All I can think about, in reading that article, is how do the kids feel reading that? It seems sort of disrespectful to me, to be honest.

So many relationships troubled when there is no need for them to be. That is where the sadness lies, IMO.

 

[MagdalenaRita]

Just posing the question). All I can think about, in reading that article, is how do the kids feel reading that? It seems sort of disrespectful to me, to be honest.

The kids will feel sadness also. That is how I felt, when I was away from the faith and knew how my parents were feeling but knowing a child is bothered by a parents sadness isn’t going to change the reality that there is a sadness every parent feels when their child is in danger.

 

[whatistrue]

On what grounds would a parent expect all

Hope, not expect.

it isn’t a realistic hope

Since when does hope have to be realistic to be valid?

I don’t think a parent has a right to public sadness

Why not? Is it respectful to the parent’s feelings to require them to publicly repress them? Now I don’t think that it is right to use the old guilt trip on adult children who leave the Faith, but to require the parents to not express the fact that they are sad?

 

[QwertyGirl]

Why not? Is it respectful to the parent’s feelings to require them to publicly repress them? Now I don’t think that it is right to use the old guilt trip on adult children who leave the Faith, but to require the parents to not express the fact that they are sad?

I don’t think it is a prudent thing to do if the parent hopes for a healthy relationship with the child they are writing about.

 

[QwertyGirl]

Hope, not expect.

(Please Note: This uploaded content is no longer available.) QwertyGirl:

OK. We can go with hope. But I will counter it is an unrealistic hope, so if sadness is the result a reasonable adult should be able to recognize that fact and move on from it rather quickly.

If a kid is hoping for a pony for their birthday, and there is no chance they are going to get one, and then the birthday comes and the kid cries and ruins the party because he didn’t get the pony he was hoping for, what do the grownups in the room do?

Do they tell him to go ahead and be sad for years to come because he didn’t get his pony? Do they let him ruin the party for everyone else? Or do they help him snap out of it?

Obviously, these are two situations. But the concept is the same.

I guess I am a person who really doesn’t suffer those with unrealistic hopes or expectations lightly. To me, it smacks of irresponsibility, so this post really pushed my buttons!

 

[whatistrue]

I don’t think it is a prudent thing to do

Depends. If the parent is constantly wailing and rending garments, etc. then yes, you have a point. this would also IMHO fall under the guilt trip thing which is almost never truly successful. But if the relationship is to be truly healthy, everyone needs to be free to express their feelings, the parent no less than the adult child.

 

[QwertyGirl]

I would counter that it is disrespectful because the parent shouldn’t be writing about something as personal as spiritual/ religious beliefs (or lack thereof) as they pertain to their child. Wouldn’t go over well with me. I perceive it as a lack of respect of privacy.

 

[whatistrue]

If a kid is hoping for a pony for their birthday, and there is no chance they are going to get one, and then the birthday comes and the kid cries and ruins the party because he didn’t get the pony he was hoping for, what do the grownups in the room do?

One would hope that they would not excuse the behavior. Note that I said behavior, not the original unfounded hope. Hoping is fine, what is not fine is pitching a fit when it doesn’t come to pass. And simply saying that you are sad is not pitching a fit.

 

[QwertyGirl]

Writing a public article and exposing something so personal about your own kids is pitching a fit, IMO. Unacceptable.

 

[MagdalenaRita]

OK. We can go with hope. But I will counter it is an unrealistic hope,

You see it as unrealistic because of your unbelief in Christ.

I guess I am a person who really doesn’t suffer those with unrealistic hopes or expectations lightly. To me, it smacks of irresponsibility, so this post really pushed my buttons!

The hope is not in the child but the hope is in God, that God will work in that person’s life and enlighten them to the truth. If you are putting your hope in the child coming to this conclusion on their own, then yes it is unrealistic. The Holy Spirit is the one who guides.

Just as earlier I mentioned no one is good except God alone, no one comes to the truth without the Holy Spirit. That is what the parent prays to God and asks of Him and there is a great hope in that.

 

[whatistrue]

parent shouldn’t be writing

So is it just the article you have an issue with? I got the sense from your posts that you objected to the parents expressing sadness at all. That’s the position I am arguing against.

 

[Thom18]

On what grounds would a parent expect all of their children will arrive at adulthood subscribing to everying belief the parent has? I don’t get this. I understand how important a Catholic’s beliefs are to him/herself, but why would you expect your kids to buy in to all of it and subscribe to it all as adults?

Our parents put us through school, don’t they? If they’re good parents, they do so not because the government says they’ll lose custody of us if they don’t, but because they want us to have the brightest possible future, which an education allows.

Similarly, a good parent doesn’t only wish for our material success or good. They would desire for us to develop a healthy spirituality, which can only truly be accomplished via a relationship with the Reason for spirituality, the True God. Just as a good parent would be disappointed to hear that their child’s education isn’t adequately preparing them either for college, trade school or a career, a good parent will be disappointed if a child of theirs doesn’t have a good spirituality.

I’m not concerned with “expectations”, because in our current culture one might expect their child to abandon their Faith, at least for a little while, because the culture teaches us not to follow Jesus. This is similar to how a parent might expect their child to not get into their desired career because of the economy, the job market, or anything else that would impact that ability to do so. Rather, a good parent would hope that their child will succeed in both spiritual and material spheres (and will do everything in their power to ensure this happens), even if the prospects are dim.

In my opinion, it isn’t a realistic hope. Then the sadness comes. And then one has to ask how does that impact the relationship between parent and child? I don’t think a parent has a right to public sadness over a child who leaves the Church. Were they really ever in it? (I don’t know. Just posing the question). All I can think about, in reading that article, is how do the kids feel reading that? It seems sort of disrespectful to me, to be honest.

So many relationships troubled when there is no need for them to be. That is where the sadness lies, IMO.

A hope mustn’t be realistic in order for someone to despair when it seems it might not be achieved. As I said above, a parent might hope for their child’s material wellbeing. But what happens if their child becomes worse off than themselves when they grow up, whether it’s because of something they (the child) did, or simply the economy doing what it does? I don’t think a parent would be wrong to feel sadness about their child being in poverty, even if it might’ve been their expectation that it would happen (for whatever reason), in spite of everything they (the parent) did to try and prevent it.

A good parent desires their child’s good. When they see their child doing something that they don’t perceive as being good, the good parent is pained; this is what love does to us.

 

[TheLittleLady]

I will venture to say that the way your mom responded to your spiritual journey has had a great impact on the respect you demonstrate for her faith.

When parents react with disowning, condemning to hell, shrieking and pearl clutching, making every gift giving opportunity about a way to force Catholic books or even sacramentals on a “wayward child”, that usually results in the adult child pulling further back.

 

[jzea1992]

As someone who’s fallen away it is a hard/painful time in life and very hard for my mom. Prayer is the most important for all involved in these situations.