Acting less-than-Christian and applying to seminary

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danjiri

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I have been looking at how things fell out between my boyfriend and me toward the end (after two years). I broke things off and this is why – and I would appreciate some details on priestly formation.

He announced his decision to go to seminary three days after our one-and-only couples counseling. (I had been asking for some for six months.) He told me weeks later that he had “fallen newly in love” with the church. Hmmm, so he’s been cheating on me?

I feel misled, lied to, ashamed, exhausted, used. Why did I have to beg for falling-out-of-love info? He frequently used “together forever” language but never told me that he had checked out. He because abusive – yelling mostly (I walked on eggshells) – over the last six months and would change the topic when there was something important to discuss.

Add to this a lack of empathy. He tells me stories of his new love (yes, I have “let go” that way, but really…), tales of seminarians falling in love with parishoners, signs emails with “kisses,” and still uses our couple/baby talk. Ouch. Obviously we need to cut contact for a while. I have, he won’t.

Is this a good candidate for the priesthood? It’s maddening. (I am dating others now; we are trying to remain friends so a communication break is a good thing.) Would you want a shouting nonsupportive priest? Does priestly formation change your personality that way? Will being out of a romantic relationship make him less angry?
 
I’m afraid I am not in a position to say whether or not his personality could change during his time at the seminary, although I imagine it could in some ways. It does seem to me that, whether he was a Christian or not, you were treated unfairly and you are understandably hurt by his misleading of you for so long - presumably he did not simply decide overnight to join the priesthood. I cannot say to you that he will or will not be a suitable candidate for the priesthood - of course the priesthood is made up 99.9% of sinners - saints are in the minority there as in every other walk of life! However, do remember that one cannot simply ‘decide’ to join a seminary - it does not happen overnight. His suitability for the priesthood should be assessed by the diocese before he is approved for admittance to the seminary. I don’t know the details, but these checks include physical and psychological examinations of the candidated. Seminarians, as far as I know, are supposed to be monitored throughout their formation too, and before ordination his suitability for ordination must be signed by the bishop…so if he really is not suitable the chances are that the ‘powers that be’ will figure this out. There is more detailed information on priestly formation in the Code of Canon Law which is available on the Vatican website www.vatican.va .

I hope you both solve your difficulties & that you both find happiness as you go your separate ways. I’m sure you will both be remembered in our prayers.
 
Not to defend what he did to you, but I have also had girlfriends while discerning for the Priesthood. One of them ended because of said discernment, and i may have dragged it on too long. But its hard, trying to decide if you should brake it off with someone becuase of that. Also, I have always had what some people percieve as “flirtatious” relationships with some friends, but its just how we interact. I tried a relationship with one, it didnt work at all. Were just good friends
 
It seems to me that your boyfriend is certainly at fault for trying to carry out two discernments at once. He should not have been carrying out a relationship with you if he were seriously considering the priesthood and seminary. And so I think it follows that it’s natural that you would feel misled. As to his “lack of empathy” - have you talked to him about it? Yes, I can testify to the fact that guys sometimes aren’t the best at figuring out emotions etc. If you think that some time off will help - but he isn’t picking up on it - be candid about it and say, “Hey, look. I think we need some time off to help us both discern where we’re going from here on out.” Also, he should probably not be using “kisses” to sign emails and use the “couple/baby talk” either (esp. if he’s serious about the priesthood and seminary).

Whether he is accepted to seminary is also another story. He may have decided to apply to seminary, but he also has to be accepted before he can enter. I’m not sure how it is with his/your diocese, but here in Washington, you have to apply to the Archdiocese and also again to the seminary. If either decides not to accept you, you’re not going. There are certainly lengthy application processes, complete with paperwork, essays, autobiography, psychological evaluation, interviews, etc. And dating relationships is definitely something that’s looked at.

Finally, if he is indeed called to the priesthood, remember that it wasn’t his choice, but God’s. And if God is indeed asking him to be a priest, God will do everything to make sure he turns out a good one. That’s what seminary is for - formation. And if for some reason he isn’t formed properly, or in the midst of seminary either he or the Church feels that he’s not called to the priesthood, then that’s that and out he comes.

I hope that helps. Just remember, prayers are always good. Pray for him and all others discerning the priesthood, because we can always use more good priests.

“Pastores dabo vobis.” “I will give you shepherds.” Jer. 3:15
 
Im going to clarify my previous comment to say that i made it aware to all teh people i dated i was discerning the Priesthood before we dated. So its not like i surprised anyone a month into a relationship
 
Original poster here.

I am 43, he is 33.

I have discussed the empathy issue with him – esp. when he can’t stop telling stories that break my heart.

I am very aware of the application process. His 8-hour psych screening is in two weeks; he’s had his physical; he is now gathering recommendations. He is hoping to attend this fall.

When I asked him when he decided, he said that it’s always been in his mind, sometimes more, sometimes less. (People have asked him about the priesthood and he’s always said that he’s “thought about it, but it’s not for me.”) When I asked why he never told me that he was thinking about it much more, he just started shouting.

It’s so hard to be supportive. A little distance is helping, ironically.
 
I am sorry about your pain.

Distance is a good healer. Break contact - sometimes that is the best way for you to mentally and emotionally heal. He also needs to realize you are not his emotional crutch.
 
danjiri said:
I have been looking at how things fell out between my boyfriend and me toward the end (after two years). I broke things off and this is why – and I would appreciate some details on priestly formation.

He announced his decision to go to seminary three days after our one-and-only couples counseling. (I had been asking for some for six months.) He told me weeks later that he had “fallen newly in love” with the church. Hmmm, so he’s been cheating on me?

I feel misled, lied to, ashamed, exhausted, used. Why did I have to beg for falling-out-of-love info? He frequently used “together forever” language but never told me that he had checked out. He because abusive – yelling mostly (I walked on eggshells) – over the last six months and would change the topic when there was something important to discuss.

Add to this a lack of empathy. He tells me stories of his new love (yes, I have “let go” that way, but really…), tales of seminarians falling in love with parishoners, signs emails with “kisses,” and still uses our couple/baby talk. Ouch. Obviously we need to cut contact for a while. I have, he won’t.

Is this a good candidate for the priesthood? It’s maddening. (I am dating others now; we are trying to remain friends so a communication break is a good thing.) Would you want a shouting nonsupportive priest? Does priestly formation change your personality that way? Will being out of a romantic relationship make him less angry?
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Alot of people fall in love with Jesus and His Church but ‘many are called but few are chosen’ so be patient and support his journey and spend the time rediscoverying God in yourself. This way you will not be living through your boyfriend but through God and whatever happens in your life you will be happy even in distress. It’s never about the Priesthood but finding the holiness in oneself. I am a little worried that you are dating others now, remember the Sacrament of Marriage is holy and chastity is a mandate.
 
Dear Danjiri,
I am sorry for the pain your ex has put you through and I pray that you will be ok.
Although only God for certain can know if this man is called, Let me give my answer to your question or whether or not he is a good candidate for the priesthood based on the information you have given of the situation-

First of all, a man who is called to be a priest should NOT be so unsympathetic to other people’s feelings. Also, a future priest should NOT be abusive. His anger problems seem very troubling to me- if he is called I think he should be happy about his life. Maybe is confused about hiself.

Second- the fact that he still wants contact with you is troubling. You have explained that this man won’t remove himself from you (even though you have) and that he still uses your “couple talk” and signs e-mails with kisses. It seems like this man wants to be a priest but also doesn’t want to cut off contact with you (which will be necessary for the noviciate). Just because a man WANTS to be a priest doesn’t mean he WILL become one.

Personally, I think that this man is not at the right mindset yet. Don’t worry, however. In the end, God will decide.
 
My parish bulletin prints the names of priest candidates and asks for people to step forward and express why those men should not become priests if they don’t think that they should. Perhaps if that opportunity arises you should take it.
 
Larowyn said:
My parish bulletin prints the names of priest candidates and asks for people to step forward and express why those men should not become priests if they don’t think that they should. Perhaps if that opportunity arises you should take it.
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If I recall correctly, this happens at the ordination too - the Bishop asks the people if there is any impediment to their lawful ordination. I doubt that many people have to take advantage of this invitation, thank God! While I am certainly not making excuses for Danjiri’s boyfriend and the manner in which he ended their relationship, priests and priests-to-be are ordinary people too who have to deal with as much stress as anyone else. Granted, this wasn’t the best time for him to ‘let off steam’, but this doesn’t necessarily mean that he cannot be a good priest. I imagine he is facing terrible conflicts - I don’t want to speculate on the nature of the relationship, but to have had it in one’s mind that they would be with a particular person forever and then to weigh that up against a call from God to the priesthood - either decision is bound to cause significant anguish. I don’t know whether or not I would be so quick to announce to the parish or seminary, etc., that such a person may not be suitable for the priesthood, but maybe Danjiri could have a private word with his Spiritual Director or some other priest with whom he is in regular contact to say that she has concerns about his candidacy - although, whether or not anything is said, if he does regularly and easily display such an extreme temper and abusive personality, it will probably manifest itself at some stage over the 7 years at the seminary.
 
NPC said:
maybe Danjiri could have a private word with his Spiritual Director or some other priest with whom he is in regular contact to say that she has concerns about his candidacy - although, whether or not anything is said, if he does regularly and easily display such an extreme temper and abusive personality, it will probably manifest itself at some stage over the 7 years at the seminary.
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I could do that. I am close to the priest who did our couples counseling and feel very comfortable talking with his monsignor/Spiritual Director. (Both men have seen us together so happy so many times.)

That said, I am not sure I would. Would I be taken seriously? Who would trust the heart-broken, recovering ex? And I want to trust the seminary and his formation to sort things out.
 
I imagine you would be taken seriously - the Church doesn’t want him to join the priesthood any more than you do if he isn’t really cut out to be a priest. You do have legitimate concerns that you have every right to express in my opinion, but as you say, you want to trust the seminary too - and I think you should as the seminary authorities should be equipped to identify and deal with unsuitable seminarians.
 
Thank you, all who have replied.

I emailed the vocations director for his archdiocese. Kept my ex anonymous, freely gave my name and contact info. The reply was so wonderful … and scary. He said I really should come forth. He thanked me for my courage and asked for a name. (I asked him if I should tell his S.D.)

If I do come forth, I will tell my ex before I talk to monsignor. He will be free to come along to that meeting.

Thank you again for your guidance and good words. I am enormously grateful for you and this forum.
 
danjiri said:
I emailed the vocations director for his archdiocese. Kept my ex anonymous, freely gave my name and contact info. The reply was so wonderful … and scary. He said I really should come forth. He thanked me for my courage and asked for a name. (I asked him if I should tell his S.D.)

If I do come forth, I will tell my ex before I talk to monsignor. He will be free to come along to that meeting…
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If your ex is mentally unstable it might not be a good idea to tell him you are going to talk to the monsignor because if he gets kicked out of the seminary he may keep bothering you since he might think you ruined his chances. I think it is better to not have any contact with him and let the seminary etc take care of it. I doubt your story alone will get him kicked out but it will enable them to keep an eye on him.
 
You could also ask the monsignor if he thinks your ex should accompany you, and if you should tell the ex you are going to talk to him.
 
it is extremely difficult for a man in today’s age to discern the priesthood and religious life. there is no excuse for sin, but please understand it is one of the most difficult career decisions (i think) in this culture of death, and the evil one is stepping up his wage of war on such individuals.

i don’t think this should deter the person’s pursuit of a vocation whatsoever. it can be a possible indication and red flag, but it can also be a phase and an opportunity for conversion. it is never too late for anyone to become a Saint, whether it’s a seminarian or a lay person.

take courage and put it in God’s hands, and trust He will lead you both on the right path, whether or not it’s for you two to be together. if anything, what he needs most is your prayer. let go and let God. 🙂
 
I’m having a similar problem with my ex. I’m out of it a few months now though. And I’ve moved on, even though he’s very much trying to get at me. So PM me if you want to talk about it to someone who knows what it’s like. (You might see my thread…)
 
danjiri said:
Thank you, all who have replied.

I emailed the vocations director for his archdiocese. Kept my ex anonymous, freely gave my name and contact info. The reply was so wonderful … and scary. He said I really should come forth. He thanked me for my courage and asked for a name. (I asked him if I should tell his S.D.)

If I do come forth, I will tell my ex before I talk to monsignor. He will be free to come along to that meeting.

Thank you again for your guidance and good words. I am enormously grateful for you and this forum.
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I would do what the SD asks. There are good reasons, i am sure, or he’ wouldn’t have asked. He will keep you anonymous.

You are well rid of this man. He doesn’t sound as if he would make a good priest, either.
 
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