Actual boundary setting phrases and conduct?

[pensmama87]

“Mom, I love you and I respect you. I hope you respect me also. I am sorry that you and I don’t agree on what “respect” looks like. I guess we will have to agree to disagree about that and other things. Here’s the thing. I came to visit, hoping we would be able to have a nice time with each other, even though we have our differences. I was hoping you felt the same way. If you wanted me to visit just so we could argue, or so you could stage some sort of intervention, then I’m sorry to disappoint you but I’m not going to have more of these conversations. Nothing would make me happier than to have a pleasant visit where we talk about things that DON’T divide us. If that can’t happen, and if this is all you are willing to discuss, then it’s not worth visiting.” and leave the room. No more discussion. Give it a half hour minimum, and when ready return. Stay if there is silence or friendly conversation. At the first whiff of unfriendly conversation, make an attempt to change the topic, and if it doesn’t work, leave the room. Keep following this pattern.

DL, I’m really sympathetic to your situation, but the more I read about it, the more I think you really need to put your foot down. If you keep saying, “I don’t like this,” and she says, “I don’t understand what you mean,” then it’s time to go no contact.

I read your posts and I may be mistaken, but I keep thinking that you expect there to be a magic formula of words you can say and then your mom will get it and respect you, and that just isn’t going to happen. Your mom may very well think that she is being loving by acting the way she does, but she does not respect your words. I know she’s your mother and it hurts that she doesn’t listen - I have a similar dynamic with my dad - but you can’t wish that away. You can avoid the hurt to the extent you can, and perhaps she will get that you mean it and that there are rules. But if she doesn’t, then at least you’re not constantly exposing yourself to the crazy.

 

[Xantippe]

DL, I’m really sympathetic to your situation, but the more I read about it, the more I think you really need to put your foot down. If you keep saying, “I don’t like this,” and she says, “I don’t understand what you mean,” then it’s time to go no contact.

I read your posts and I may be mistaken, but I keep thinking that you expect there to be a magic formula of words you can say and then your mom will get it and respect you, and that just isn’t going to happen. Your mom may very well think that she is being loving by acting the way she does, but she does not respect your words. I know she’s your mother and it hurts that she doesn’t listen - I have a similar dynamic with my dad - but you can’t wish that away. You can avoid the hurt to the extent you can, and perhaps she will get that you mean it and that there are rules. But if she doesn’t, then at least you’re not constantly exposing yourself to the crazy.

Yes.

 

[underacloud]

I read your posts and I may be mistaken, but I keep thinking that you expect there to be a magic formula of words you can say and then your mom will get it and respect you, and that just isn’t going to happen.

Yes.

DarkLight, you’ve tried talking about it. You should know by now that talking about it will not resolve this. It is time to merely tell her what the boundaries are, but do not explain them nor negotiate them at all. Set them and enforce them.

If you can’t do this, I fear that your relationship with your mother (and perhaps your father now too) will become so dysfunctional that you will abondon it altogether rather than suffer it. If you want a healthy relatsionship with her, which no doubt you do, you will have to be the one to establish the parameters for it; she, clearly, is incapable of it.

 

[DarkLight]

That one incident aside, all told the visit was much lower on criticism than has been happening in the past. I managed to communicate why I hadn’t been talking about religion without being snapped at. They did ask if I would go to church with them, but didn’t push on it.

So, overall I think we’re getting somewhere. I think they’re ready for the “I’m Catholic” announcement.