Addicted to Lying

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Pink_Rose

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I am addicted to lying. This has been a lifetime problem, one that was and continues to be exacerbated by access to the internet. I like to chat anonymously with people and lie about who I am. While some may suggest I must be unhappy with my real life, this is not really the case either… I love my husband, my child, my family, my friends, my work, etc. I try and try and try and pray and pray and pray and confess and confess and confess, yet I can’t seem to get a grip on this need to fabricate and tell stories where there are none.

I don’t have a huge problem with lying in my real life. I don’t lie to my husband or children (we just have a 10 month old baby), except about the extent to which I lie on the internet. But I tell the truth regarding our finances, how much I love him, etc. And I REALLY DO LOVE HIM. A LOT!!!

I’ve only realized recently how addicting this is for me. I feel very trapped inside my own web of deceit, and I want to get out of it and stop before I really hurt someone. I know I have already hurt God by my actions. 😦 I even feel physically addicted, b/c I can actually feel myself “relaxing” when I sign online and begin conversing with someone who thinks I am this or that.

Any suggestions? I am so ashamed about this that I can barely imagine explaining this to a counselor. I only live in the US for part of the year, too, so I’m not sure how available I would be to a long-term therapy solution. I am a transplant from Sweden.

To be honest, I think it might be partially a lack of attention problem. My husband tries hard but he is not very emotionally available to me. We have talked about it and he knows my struggles but I don’t think he realizes how much I need him and how much I crave emotional intimacy and physical presence. But, it can’t be entirely an attachment problem because even before my husband, I was doing this. We dated for a couple years though, and I was free from this addiction during that time. He was very attentive then and we spent a great deal of time together. I felt very valuable to him. …Except that I did grow up in an abusive home…so maybe that has something to do with it? I am not transferring responsibility: I know this is my problem and I am choosing to do it again and again. When I stop, though, I get so lonely I feel like I might die. So it always starts back up again. It was really bad when I was pregnant.

Can anyone help me? I’m sorry, I know I must sound like a really bad person. Please don’t try to hurt me with words, but be honest.
 
Have you ever had a yearning to be an actor?

The first time I heard of anything like this was when I was in college, when my girlfriend and her friends liked to go to parties and tell whoppers about their jobs, lives, etc. They’d go to bars and get men to buy them drinks and tell them all kinds of things, like they were dress designers.

Then they would laugh hysterically when they recalled what the guys believed. I was totally puzzled. What had they accomplished? Why should the men have disbelieved them?

Finally I got an example of recreational lying that made sense to me. I was at a meeting of the union of Boeing engineers, and heard an old and young engineer behind me talking, “did you hear so-and-so was going to be transferred to Vertol and thus-and-such will take his place?” The other said, “when did you hear that? I started that one a week ago!”

I was so intrigued, it turned out these guys worked in seperate buildings and regularly started rumors just to see whether they would spread, and what types of rumors (level of detail, etc) traveled fastest. It was like an experiment on the human beings of the company. I definitely saw the humor in it.

That said, it is clear this is bothering you, and it doesn’t sound recreational. If it gives you peace, why? Does it take you away from your normal focus on your own issues?

Alan
 
After rereading your post, I have a couple other questions.

What sort of responses do you get? Do you crave certain types of responses, such as pity, encouragement, and the like?

Do you get harsh responses, and how do you react to that?

Are fabricated stories more interesting? Are you “testing the waters” to see how people respond to someone with those problems?

Has anybody ever called you on it, and if so, how did you respond?

As far as counseling, I suggest if you do go to a counselor (I’m not necessarily suggesting it at this point) that you go in prepared with a typed letter of introduction, explaining the problem, your observations about it, and what you hope the counseling sessions will accomplish. Then you can ask the counselor to help make sure the conversation goes in a direction to support that. It’s easy for an hour to fly by with a counselor going off on various tangents – sometimes tangents need to be explored but often they do not. You might want to see if there is a Catholic Charities counselor in your area; around here they are very good and they work on a sliding scale. Don’t worry about a “long term” counseling situation. That may not be warranted at all. Personally I think unless there is some serious problem some good short term therapy is more likely to help.

As I said, I’m not suggesting counseling at this point, just how to go about it if you do. I’m a wannabe counselor, and there are many good people here. Perhaps a little time here will help give you insight into the other.

Alan
 
I’ve never been addicted to lying (I think) but I can understand a bit of it. Like Alan, I’m a wannabe counselor.

Try going to confession. I know it’s tough to admit, but don’t forget, priests hear this sort of thing day in and day out. It’s their job. And God has a very selective memory. If you confess sincerely, and are sincerely sorry, all of a sudden He just sort of forgets. Off the radar. It isn’t fun, but what a deal!

And about getting away from earlier lies: just shut down those usernames or profiles that you created. Just vanish. It happens online all the time. If you mysteriously vanish, nobody is going to worry about it for long. Create an honest profile, maybe here on CA, and stick with it. You’ll do fine.

Good luck!

👍
 
Pink Rose:
I am addicted to lying. This has been a lifetime problem, one that was and continues to be exacerbated by access to the internet. I like to chat anonymously with people and lie about who I am.
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Lying when there is no reason to lie is often a characteristic associated with alcoholism and drug abuse . . . . Is there a connection in your case?
 
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mercygate:
Lying when there is no reason to lie is often a characteristic associated with alcoholism and drug abuse . . . . Is there a connection in your case?
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No, I don’t drink and I’ve never tried any mind-altering drugs. Not even anti-depressants! 🙂

My dad is an alcoholic though, and it does run in my family. But that is why I do not drink.
 
Wow, you sound just like me! I’ve never met another one before! Anyway, I too used to be addicted to lying. I made up all sorts of things about myself, stories about my life or stuff that happened to me that weren’t true. Mine weren’t over the internet though, mine were in person. Mine, like yours seem to, stemmed from a craving for attention. I confessed for years, “I have told lies out of vanity” and no priest ever said anything. Then I hit a horrible low and told a lie so damaging that I thought I needed to confess the specifics. I did, and the priest prodded a little deeper, found out this was an addiction problem, and got very stern with me. He mentioned to me that lying is one of the most horrible abuses of the human gift of speech and reason. A deliberate lie is much more grave than a sin commited out of weakness of the flesh. He said some very interesting and helpful things, which I will share with you:
-It’s this condition he calls pre-volitional vanity. He means that its a weakness I was born with, just like some people are born with a tendency to lose their temper really easily. He said I didn’t really choose to be vain, and that I didn’t “want to be bad”
-Then he told me that since I’m now aware of this tendency, I have to take severe measures to overcome it. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES LET YOURSELF LIE, he said to me very emphatically. He made me go back and tell the truth to everyone I had lied to. Very humiliating, but it helped to untangle the web, and most people were surprisingly forgiving, actually deepening my relationship with them rather than destroying it like I feared. Then he told me, if I ever start telling a lie, as soon as I realize what I’m doing and that I’m lying (becasue sometimes I just start and it doesn’t even register that I’m lying yet!) I must correct myself immediately. Basically I just have to be really vigilant about what I say and I can’t even let myself tell the smallest white lie or lie of self preservation.
-Say little prayers like “Lord, guard my lips”, or read psalms that are helpful - “Lord, you love truth in the heart.” Examine yourself every day.
It sounds like your lies aren’t really hurting anyone in a serious way yet, but you must stop, becasue eventually one will! Trust me, eventually I had lost one of the best friends and men I had ever known because of my need for attention and sympathy from others.
I think the suggestion of acting is a good one. It will give you an outlet.
Good luck, just try to get to the root, be vigilant, and dont’ be afraid to be tough on yourself!
 
Pink Rose:
No, I don’t drink and I’ve never tried any mind-altering drugs. Not even anti-depressants! 🙂

My dad is an alcoholic though, and it does run in my family. But that is why I do not drink.
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I brought that up because 12-step programs are very useful. Note that in birdie74’s post, 'fessing up to the people he/she had lied to was part of the priest’s recommendation. This is also part of 12-step programs. Hm. Much grace abounding here. May you step out in courage as you face this unpleasant issue.
 
Pink Rose and Birdie74, have you ever thought to start a career in fictional writing? 😃 Who knows maybe you can put all that lying to a constructive purpose.
 
One of my kids got into a habit of lying to try to impress us. People want to feel important or want other people to like them more or they want to impress folks with with they have done (or make believe they have accomplished).

We told our son that he did not have to do great things to impress us, we were/are perfectly happy with him as he is. And we explained how much more impressed we would be if he told us the truth instead.

We tried to impress on him that it is far more important to get a reputation for being honest than it would ever be to have us think of him as a star athelete (it was usually lying about sports prowess).

Lies have the nasty habit of being revealed as lies in the very most embarassing moments. Then there is the shame and problems that lies carry with them. IF you lie about your abilities, folks will always be expecting so much more out of you.

I believe it is far far tougher to cover up a lie and deal with the damage that it does than to tell the truth in the first place. This is particular true in the work place. IF a problem is happening it is far better to let the managers know up front and the sooner the better.

You will never be in trouble if you let folks know way ahead of time thing may be in trouble. BUt if you wait, or lie about something, it was almost always come back to haunt you.

PLUS there is a reason Satan is often called the father of all lies, and Jesus is known as the prophet of Truth. The Truth is what Jesus is all about, and lies is what Satan is all about.

It is far better to follow Christ’s example than Satan’s. IF you create lies, love lies and perpetuate them, you are promoting evil.

If you follow the Truth, love the Truth and always follow the Truth, you are promoting Christ.

Christ’s Peace.
wc
 
To piggyback on wcknight’s comments, I was reminded of some lyrics to a song by Rich Mullins called Brother’s Keeper:And I will be my brother’s keeper
Not the one who judges him
I won’t despise him for his weakness
I won’t regard him for his strength
I won’t take away his freedom
I will help him learn to stand
And I will ~ I will be my brother’s keeper
The thing that struck me as interesting is “won’t regard him for his strength.”

That’s really an amazing revelation to me, because our whole lives we have been rewarded or scolded by the world based on its perception and measurement of our strengths and weaknesses, respectively.

I believe Rich has a point that neither God, nor a Christian brother, measures the value of a person in these same ways the world does.

Alan
 
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Mike_Olson:
Pink Rose and Birdie74, have you ever thought to start a career in fictional writing? 😃 Who knows maybe you can put all that lying to a constructive purpose.
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YES!! I am actually at university, contemplating an English major, and have taken classes where I can creatively write each semester. Short stories, poems, essays…I get As too! Funny how there’s that connection…When I write characters I have such an easy time understanding their psyche, it’s so easy for me to become someone else and to look through life with different lenses. It’s a cool gift to have for writing, but it can cause problems if one stays in fantasy land too long;)
 
Just a little thought.

My mouth fell open as read these posts. This lying addiction for attention and to gain sympathy is EXACTLY my mother’s problem. She has alienated SO MANY PEOPLE with her lies and manipulative behaviors. When cornered in a lie, she tells another lie to cover. People who do not know her well, fall into her trap very easily. She absolutely does not see that this is a problem for her even though all of her children have confronted her with it at one time or another. She has also been known to shoplift and change information on important things (i.e. prescriptions).

Please Pink Rose. Get help. It is wonderful that you have recognized your problem. It is the first step. I wrote this to let you know that this type of thing is so hurtful to the ones you love. My mother has gotten so much worse as she has gotten older. None of us kids or our spouses have any trust in her at all. We all keep an obligatory relationship, but NO TRUST or RESPECT. You don’t want that. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

BTW, Alan, my mother fancies herself as an actress in her mind (who never got her first big break).
 
Birdie,

I hear you sister. I have funneled this tendency into fiction writing. Like you, I can completely get into the psyche of my characters. I think it is a healthy outlet for someone who likes to think about and imagine all sorts of scenarios, but has the good sense not to turn her life into those scenarios.

I have learned a great deal about myself, and how/why people make the decisions they do through my writing. It has been more or at least as much use as the many years of therapy I went through.

My sister, rather than write, causes misery and destruction in the lives of all she touches, due to her need for attention and adventure. I think channeling your need and creativity into an appropriate outlet is a great idea.

I also got myself a dog, he gives me lots of attention. Some people may laugh at this, but it has been one of the smartest psychological moves I have made. My kids are teens, and don’t “need” me in the complete hands on, 24/7 way they used to. Instead of becoming an unbearable, clingy nut mother, I channeled some of my need for snuggling etc into my puppy. I trained him to do tricks etc, and it has been really theraputic for me and healthy for my family.

I love my novels and my characters. I also get involved in activities at my church that allow me to channel my creativity and need for attention into useful/helpful roles. I teach classes (everyone listens to teacher!), help with writing projects, help plan parties, etc. Acting might also be a good thing to try, when motherhood and spousehood allow the time and commitment.

But, in the end, I still need real human contact. Sometimes nothing will suffice but an hour of gab with a friend, or a backrub from hubby. Don’t ever let your “escapes” keep you from making real contact,and asking for appropriate affection from the people in your life. They need to be needed, and given the opportunity to share love as well.

cheddar
 
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