Adjusting to living together as a married couple

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Hello. Does anyone have any resources that can be given to a Catholic couple, soon to be married, on the topic of adjusting to living together as a married couple? Books, audio, video, whatever. Free or at a price, doesn’t matter.

This couple has not co-habitated, and will not spend an overnight with each other until they are married.

They have been reading and listening a lot of books/shows about marriage during their engagement, and I think they are on the right track.

However, one thing that they have both expressed concern to me about is that they have never lived with anyone other than their parents so they are worried about the practicalities - “getting in each other’s way,” not overreacting to minor irritations, just sorta learning to adjust to having each other around 24/7 without pulling their hair out, that kind of thing.

I think I may have put that too negatively, they truly love each other, I sense no such negativity, it’s just that adjusting to having someone in your bed every night and having each meal with them, etc. you know it’s a bigger adjustment than merely getting a roommate and that is one of their concerns right now.

I think this is a great couple and they are very earnest in seeking to live out the vocation of lifelong marriage and I just want to support them in any way I can. As this is a topic they have asked about, I figured I would inquire here.

So to clarify: I am looking for resources NOT on marriage in general (they have plenty on that), but on adjusting to the first few months or the first year of married life together for those who have not cohabitated.

Thanks everyone!
 
I would suggest a lot of physical intimacy.

Seriously. It will paper over any of those other difficulties until they’ve become more or less acclimated by osmosis.

As for actual resources, I don’t really have any. I didn’t live together with my wife before marriage, though we had spent some nights in the same place. We had a long-distance relationship for awhile and so we stayed under the same roof probably, 15 to 20 times before our wedding day due to those visits. Nothin’ except for sleeping though and it certainly was not a regular pattern.

We had far too much chaos in the first couple of years of our marriage to worry about stuff like this. More than five years in I’m still annoyed at her lack of organization. And she’s annoyed by my inability to seal things properly in the fridge and freezer. Oh well.
 
Hah, yes. Physical intimacy and sex is definitely helpful early on. And prayer.

My wife and I actually had a lot of trouble with this adjustment ourselves which is why I am definitely understanding why they are working on this early. Actually, I had been with my wife for several years and we had never once had a real argument (as we would define it) until the first month of marriage. I think it had to do with the toilet seat, and I’m not even kidding about that…lol
 
Yeah I’d suggest skipping the preliminaries on the physical intimacy and move straight on to the more advanced stuff.

Then again, that concept probably played a large role in my wife getting pregnant two months after our wedding day so maybe that’s not the best course of action. Unless you’re super-ready for that kind of thing.
 
VeritasLuxMea said:
Hello. Does anyone have any resources that can be given to a Catholic couple, soon to be married, on the topic of adjusting to living together as a married couple? Books, audio, video, whatever. Free or at a price, doesn’t matter.

This couple has not co-habitated, and will not spend an overnight with each other until they are married.

They have been reading and listening a lot of books/shows about marriage during their engagement, and I think they are on the right track.

However, one thing that they have both expressed concern to me about is that they have never lived with anyone other than their parents so they are worried about the practicalities - “getting in each other’s way,” not overreacting to minor irritations, just sorta learning to adjust to having each other around 24/7 without pulling their hair out, that kind of thing.

I think I may have put that too negatively, they truly love each other, I sense no such negativity, it’s just that adjusting to having someone in your bed every night and having each meal with them, etc. you know it’s a bigger adjustment than merely getting a roommate and that is one of their concerns right now.

I think this is a great couple and they are very earnest in seeking to live out the vocation of lifelong marriage and I just want to support them in any way I can. As this is a topic they have asked about, I figured I would inquire here.

So to clarify: I am looking for resources NOT on marriage in general (they have plenty on that), but on adjusting to the first few months or the first year of married life together for those who have not cohabitated.

Thanks everyone!
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It is very natural to be nervous about undergoing one of the biggest changes in their life yet. They will find it much easier than they think because they are doing it correctly and with God’s help! Going to Mass together which sounds like what they are going to do is a huge help as well as praying together as a couple. With the link from Joe, reassure them that it is natural to have worries about this new life together but God will help with all the little stuff. Don’t sweat the the little things!
 
Nothing to worry, really, all will be well. There will be adjustment as anything else in life.

They learned to compromise in their family so now they will learn to do it as a couple.

If anything, God will bless them for doing the right thing.

Love and blessings!

p.s. They had their family as role model too.
 
They are definitely on the right track the way they’re doing things! Seriously, they have a huge advantage over most couples because they are doing this the right way. That’s not to say it won’t be tough; it will be a BIG adjustment! My husband and I never spent a night together before we were married, and the first two years of our marriage were tough as we got used to living together, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I feel like we have had so many blessings in our lives because of the effort we made to do things in the “right order.”
 
VeritasLuxMea said:
Hello. Does anyone have any resources that can be given to a Catholic couple, soon to be married, on the topic of adjusting to living together as a married couple?

They have been reading and listening a lot of books/shows about marriage during their engagement, and I think they are on the right track.

However, one thing that they have both expressed concern to me about is that they have never lived with anyone other than their parents so they are worried about the practicalities - “getting in each other’s way,” not overreacting to minor irritations, just sorta learning to adjust to having each other around 24/7 without pulling their hair out, that kind of thing.

So to clarify: I am looking for resources NOT on marriage in general (they have plenty on that), but on adjusting to the first few months or the first year of married life together for those who have not cohabitated.

Thanks everyone!
Click to expand...
I think they are following family life as God designed it… from Parent’s House to House as a Married Couple.

Some people do have college roommates, etc in between… but there’s no need to have lived with anyone but your family.

Thirty years ago I left my family home to begin life with my husband in our home… no other living arrangements in between.

Tell them to relax and enjoy the beauty of making their home as Mr. and Mrs.!

(Most likely they won’t be with each other 24/7 anyway, even if they wished they could be.)
 
I don’t have any resourses for you but as a person who has been married for 38 years I can tell you that the first 35 years are the hardest. After that it’s clear sailing!
 
Polycarp1 said:
I don’t have any resourses for you but as a person who has been married for 38 years I can tell you that the first 35 years are the hardest. After that it’s clear sailing!
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:rotfl: I hope you’re joking. I’m only on 8. 😛
 
It seems like one could easily “hype” up life after marriage and then feel a bit of a let down.
Surely, people can figure out how to live together w/o reading a book? Of course, if they really want to read and watch videos or whatever then that’s cool I suppose.

My advice? Just do it. Be flexible, slow to anger, considerate. Enjoy it!

DH and I lived together before we were married (before I found the Church) and I do wish we had waited.
Honestly, living with my best friend is the easiest thing I’ve ever done. Sure we grate on each other but so what. It’s awesome!
 
I can guarantee on thing:

Anything this couples reads and learns will go right out the window once they actually live together. 🙂

That’s not meant to be disrespectful in any way, shape, or form. It’s just something I’ve experienced myself, and witnessed time and time again, whether living together, having children, dealing with family members, etc. The actual dynamics cannot be learned by reading a book, watching a video, etc. It’s like reading about self defense without application; it’s great until it is actually needed, at which point one doesn’t know what to do and stands there like a deer in the headlights.

The keys are simply to realize that there is going to be significant give and take in the relationship, and that the couple must be respectful of each other and work through their differences when they arise.
 
Make sure they are aware that the first “fight” will likely be over something completely stupid. Lol My dh & I were a couple for about 2 yrs, 2 months when we had our first fight. We were engaged, had just bought a house, wedding was 6 months away. We were using that time to clean strip wallpaper, paint, furnish, etc. at the time, neither of us had moved in. Bought our entertainment center, dh looked at it, said “I will bring over what we need to assemble it”. Uh huh. Our first fight? Over him not bringing the right screwdriver. LOL completely ridiculous & downright hilarious after the fact. 🙂

As for once living together, it was easy for us. We both really adapted well. Best advice is to make time for each other each day. Never be too tired to go to bed without a good chat. 🙂
 
The grace of the Sacrament somehow makes it work. Seriously. There is nothing you need they prepare for.

Seriously, I never had a roommate my entire life, I didn’t know how to do laundry or cook when I got married 5.5 years ago to a man who had been living away from home for 7 years and had dealt with roommates and living alone. I actually suggested bunk beds because I was dreading having a roommate and a bedmate. Turns out we’re fine. Yeah, we quibble about messes and we each have our faults but the grace of the Sacrament seriously makes it work.
 
Polycarp1 said:
I don’t have any resourses for you but as a person who has been married for 38 years I can tell you that the first 35 years are the hardest. After that it’s clear sailing!
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Good to know! Only have 20 more till it gets easier 👍
 
VeritasLuxMea said:
Hello. Does anyone have any resources that can be given to a Catholic couple, soon to be married, on the topic of adjusting to living together as a married couple? Books, audio, video, whatever. Free or at a price, doesn’t matter.

This couple has not co-habitated, and will not spend an overnight with each other until they are married.

They have been reading and listening a lot of books/shows about marriage during their engagement, and I think they are on the right track.

However, one thing that they have both expressed concern to me about is that they have never lived with anyone other than their parents so they are worried about the practicalities - “getting in each other’s way,” not overreacting to minor irritations, just sorta learning to adjust to having each other around 24/7 without pulling their hair out, that kind of thing.

I think I may have put that too negatively, they truly love each other, I sense no such negativity, it’s just that adjusting to having someone in your bed every night and having each meal with them, etc. you know it’s a bigger adjustment than merely getting a roommate and that is one of their concerns right now.

I think this is a great couple and they are very earnest in seeking to live out the vocation of lifelong marriage and I just want to support them in any way I can. As this is a topic they have asked about, I figured I would inquire here.

So to clarify: I am looking for resources NOT on marriage in general (they have plenty on that), but on adjusting to the first few months or the first year of married life together for those who have not cohabitated.

Thanks everyone!
Click to expand...
On adjusting to the first few months or the first year of married life together for those who have not cohabitated???

What do you mean? What dimensions? About what:

the religious adjustements; the financial adjustements; the economical adjustements; the intimate ajustements; the ajustements of marital act; the ajustements of schedule (timetable), the ajustements of work, the ajustements of food (the diet), the ajustements of leisures, the ajustements with the families in law; …etc.

The rythms, the habits, the behaviors, the desirs, the emotions, the sentiments, the intentions, the hopes, the wishes, the mentalities, the secrets, the needs, the fears, the misunderstandings, the misinformations, the diseases…etc.

The solution is to talk, to communicate, to discuss before the marriage on all the topics**. The fact of being be honest and the fact of praying are the keys.** During fiançaille, each one has to say to the other its fundamental needs, desires, fears, and its almost non negociable things.

Marriage and conjugal life mean to make efforts and sacrifices: the ajustements have to be mutual and reciprocal.

After the marriage, in the real life it is more complicated, but at least each one knew via the talks during fiançaille.

Pray, pray, pray Good;

Talk, communicate between spouses;

Like, love and honor your spouse.

Conjugal love is the key with the help of God.
 
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