Adopt before birthing?

[GhostMan]

It is true: it you must have a healthy white infant, then foster care is not the route to go. What you’ll end up with are damaged children who look different from you.

I understand that laws vary from state to state, but in many of them the tide has been turning from Parent’s Rights to the Needs of the Child for a decade. It is recognized that existing laws only forced children into patterns that led to generational cycles in the system. The chilren grow up and simply replace themselves in the system with their own children.

From a financial perspective, it makes sense for the government too. Children in social services cost a lot. It takes money to keep services rolling to parents as well as the state tries to reunify the family. In my state, it used to be closer to three years for a child to enter, be in foster care, get parental rights terminated, have a waiting period (required in our state) then have the foster child adopted by the foster parents. Now, that is closer to two years. It is getting shorter too as budgets get crushed. We have one child who has been with us only six months and they are already starting termination planning.

If you go into foster care looking to adopt, you do open yourself up for hurt. There is no doubt. The situation is not in your control.

My wife and I worked through this when we first started. Either we could hold back from fully bonding to the child and save ourselves, or we could love the child as our own from the first day and be prepared to be hurt. We decided that the child had to come first. We actually did not go into foster care to adopt; we thought we would be temporary parents while the birth parent got her (mostly single mothers in our area) act together. It didn’t turn out that way.

I do not encourage people to do foster care/adoption instead of having their own biological children. I do wonder, though, how many homes have room for one more child. A damaged one at that. Remember, you are not just changing the life of that child, but of generations to come. You are breaking a cycle and starting a new one.

It is frought with pain and loss; you may have your heart broken. You will, at a minimium, see “your” child forced to visit with the parent who had them taken away, even if that parent is a coke addict, mentally ill to the point of being dangerous, or just one who doesn’t care about being a parent. You will console the child when “mommy” cancels the visit an hour before it happens, even though you had to spend the past four hours convincing the child the visit was going to be fun.

You may find yourself consoling a drug abuser even as you hold her daughter on your lap. You may be forced to associate with people who frighten you.

I am reminded that we are called to do good works. Most of the time we also feel good about doing them. Sometimes, however, they come with a high cost. Your broken heart may be the price you pay to give a child a temporary home; remember, that year may be the only year in a loving stable environment that child ever gets.

 

[taylorc]

It sounds like international adoption would be a better way to go.

 

[pentecostbaby]

It sounds like international adoption would be a better way to go.

A lot of people think that for several reasons:

• they don’t want to deal with a birthparent
• they feel their is a better chance of adopting a child that “fits” their family (often based on race)
• they can adopt a baby

Here’s the problem with those ideas: in interntional adoption, you will likely never have contact with the bithparents again (if you even knew anything about them in the first place, which you probably didn’t). This can be hard on the child. As per the US system of foster care, even if their parents are on drugs, alcoholic, neglectful, etc, they at least are aware of who their parents are and why they were given up. There are less unknowns, which often make it easier for the child to deal with identity issues. It IS important for children to know where they came from.
Most children adopted overseas have been in orphanages. They are at risk for the same developmental, emotional, and social problems that American foster children are (and sometimes greater). Often, they have not been diagnosed - they aren’t actually as sound in mind and body as the agency claims, and you don’t find that out until you’re back home with no support structure.
I’ve seen great international adoption results - a good friend of mine adopted from Asia - but I’ve also seen pretty terrible ones (another person I know adopted two older children from Russia). Contrary to popular belief, infants who have been neglected or abused do remember, and often problems crop up later in life. You’re not getting a “clean slate” just because you’ve adopted a 1 year old. You may be safer adopting a three year old from the US with a known history.
Neither American foster care nor international adoption is a “better” option. Both have their pros and cons. Each family needs to decide what is better for them. Many people are scared off from foster care because they fear dealing with birthparents. Is it ideal, often? No - but these people gave birth to your child, and you owe it to your child to make space for them.