Adoption Advice?

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Diane_M

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My husband and I are having problems with infertility. Surgery may or may not improve our chances. We are still deciding what to do. We have started to think about adoption. It seems like a scary process. Can any of you give advice or stories about adoption of babies or older children, individual children or sibiling groups? Any advice you can give would be appreciated.

Thanks
Diane
 
My husband and I adopted from DCFS. A baby girl(she came into our home at 2 months old, straight from the hospital nursery), she was adicted to heroine(sp?). She will be 4 at the end of August and is a perfect, beautiful, healtly, angel!!! When I was looking into adoption I noticed that Texas had one of the best web sites for state adoptions. Pray about it, and look into what it would take to become foster parents. If it is God’s will the perfect angel(s) will come into your life. I would take a dozen more if God would send them—okay maybe not a dozen!!! I also have a bio daughter that is nearly 12. We had secondary infertility. I love them both equally, I have to remind myself that she is not my birth child because I feel the same connection to her. Good luck, you’re in my thoughts and prayers, I know how painful infertility is. chris
 
Dear Diane,

Our PreK daughter is adopted. I was overwhelmed at the beginning of the process, but found a woman in our area that helps people that want to adopt. She charged us a fee and helped us decide if we wanted open or closed, international or domestic, agency or private, etc. Once we decided on an agency, she then helped us with the paperwork and did lots of phone support. For us, the fee (then $500, now $750) was well worth it for several reasons. (Keep in mind this was in addition to the adoption agency’s fees and the home study agency’s fees.)

Try calling a couple of state agencies that do “home studies” and maybe they’ll be able to refer you to someone like that in your area. (The lady we worked with always referred her clients to a certain home study agency.)

Praying for God’s will through our journey was an immense comfort. It didn’t happen in OUR time, but in His time–which was much better!

In Christ,

Debbie
 
I have 7 siblings, 4 of which were adopted. 2 were adopted as infants/toddlers, 2 were adopted at the ages of 12 and 14.

Of the adopted children, the one adopted at 6 months has been simply a normal part of our family.

The one adopted at 14 months was so abused and neglected (the adoption agencies will not tell you this) that he has continued bonding problems, but since he has become an adult, he is now becoming a more integrated part of the family.

The two older kids were both really trying on our whole family. They were given up by their family because of poverty and it took literally years to get over hatred of us (even though my parents’ motivation was to help them).

Summary: I personally will not adopt unless I know I cannot have natural children. If I could not have natural children I most definately would adopt. My criteria for adoption would be this:
  1. The child needs to be no more than 6 months old.
  2. The adoption agency would need a good reputation (referrals perhaps?) of honesty.
  3. It needs to be a closed adoption (no involvement from the boilogical parents later, and they do not know anything beyond your general demographic information).
I probably sound hard core. I know there are children in need out there. I admire and pray that God will bless the families that take on children outside of this criteria (especially those families).

Adoption is a beatiful thing, don’t get me wrong. The rewards can be great even in the midst of trials. My recommendations are merely what I would use to ensure the best case scenario.

God Bless you in this calling,

Chris W
 
Hi Diane,

Sorry to hear you are having fertility problems. We have been infertile for over 10 years now 😦 . We are both apparently healthy etc. & the drs. don’t know why we can’t conceive. We went as far as the fertility enhancement drugs, no gift or ivf. It took us a little while before we could consider adoption (2 months for me-2 years for hubby)!

We adopted two beautiful baby girls from China. :love: It seemed like everyone we knew who was trying to adopt domestically was having alot of trouble, wait time or expense. Our girls are beautiful, healthy, intelligent wonderful people! We were drawn to China specifically because they have the one child policy. They are hard on women who become pregnant without government approval, forcing abortions & sterilization.

We used Holt International Children’s Services to help us. They are by far the leading adoption agency for foreign adoptions in Asia. They really cut through all the government red tape. Their web address is:

www.holtintl.org

Our girls were both around 9 months when we adopted them. They didn’t have any attachment issues etc. Both our trips to China were fun, interesting and some of the best times we’ve had. Our oldest is 5 and going to start kindergarten this fall :eek: ! We adopted our youngest in May 2003, so still pretty recent.

We were scared about alot of things too. Mostly, for me that if I was SUPPOSED to be a mom wouldn’t God make me a mom? I’m so glad I didn’t talk myself out of knowing two such special people. Ultimately there is alot we can’t control even when we do get pregnant, same with adoption, just some things are different. Please feel free to e-mail me. My husband wrote a series of articles about our adoption process for our local newspaper that I could e-mail you. I can’t imagine life without my girls. adoption was the best decision I’ve ever made.

God Bless!
 
One more thing. . . Don’t let the thought of money keep you from adopting. The US government gives a $10,000.00 tax credit to adopting parents. For both our adoptions all we really had to pay for was the travel expenses.
 
:confused: Interesting note on the ‘open adoptions’ experience. I’d love to hear more recent experiences.
I’ve seen both sides. My adopted bros have no contact with their bios (tho’ they know at least the mother) and I have a great friend who gave hers up. She’s like an auntie to the toddler and it works out great. In her case. It seems to be case specific.
In San Diego “Catholic Charities is committed to openness in adoption, including meeting with the birth parents, letters and pictures. we are looking for couples who are willing to embrace this open adoption policy” (Catholic Charities of SSD, Pregnancy, Parenting and Adoption Services sign up form, see diocese-sdiego.org/).
I don’t really like DSD’s openness policy. But I met a woman whose daughter went thru CC and loved the process. The baby, though’ in their house was not “Freed” (legal terminology for court licensed divorce of child from bio parents) until 6 mos I guess this is typical in this state.
I can’t help but remember the worst case scenarios, like the 7 year old in Illinois a few years back, where the father came back in and took the boy from the adopted family. Or the baby Jessica thing.
:eek: Scary. This is where my faith comes in…Trust in Him,
 
First of all, I, too am sorry about your struggles with infertility. These can be very trying and difficult times, but just remember that God has a special plan for you!

We struggled with infertility for four years and had three miscarriages. After the last miscarriage, I was so devastated and I didn’t want to continue with any infertility treatment (all we did was Clomid to stimulate ovulation). I knew morally we couldn’t do IVF or anything where we were manipulating the conception process. I looked at my husband, in tears, and said “I just want to be a mom! Let’s go for adoption.”

We have two adopted children, both received as tiny infants from the hospital. We went through a private adoption agency in our state. I know many states have adoption available through Catholic Social Services or Catholic Charities – you might want to check into that first. It was not available to us at the time, though now we have friends who adopted through them.

For us, going through the home study process made us feel very prepared for children. I think all parents should go through this process! 🙂 They often ask questions about how you were raised as a child, the type of discipline your parents used, what type do you think you’ll use, communication issues with you and your spouse, what if you disagree about how to handle situation with kids, how will you work it out, etc. A lot of work, but worth it!

All I can tell you is that I know in my heart that God always intended for these children to be part of our family. We often tell our children what wonderful gifts they are, and how God made sure we were together. My daughter (now 14!) was a little over two when we began the process for our second adoption. All along, she wanted a “baby brudder” and would pray for that every night. Sure enough, when she was 4, God brought her a brother! We kept trying to prepare her that it might be a girl, but all along she insisted it would be a boy!

We were fortunate enough to meet both birthmothers; our daughter’s at the hospital before we brought her home, our son’s a couple weeks after the birth. We wrote letters and sent pictures for the first 2-3 years, and I think it’s very helpful for the birthmoms to have the assurance that their children are loved and doing well. I know each situation is different, but my advice is to stay open to at least minimal communication with the b-mom. (We don’t know each other’s last names, addresses, phone numbers, etc. – it is all done through the agency). We remember their b-moms on Mothers Day, on their own birthdays, and during January when we thank God their b-moms chose life for them. Our nightly prayers always end with “Thank you for making us a family.”

Our children have cousins who are adopted, and we have several friends who have adopted children, so it’s not anything new or novel to them. When my daughter was 5, she was in a nursery at the YMCA, and was telling the woman in charge that she was special because she was adopted. This woman thanked me a few days later, because her own children were present at the time and had never heard of adoption, so they went to the library and got children’s books about it, talked about it, and every night when they said their prayers began thanking God that our kids had a good home!

Be open to God’s plan for your life, whatever that may be! Our Heavenly Father adopted us as His children, and He loves us more than we can imagine! He will bring you exactly the children He has always meant for you to have! You are in my prayers!
 
Hello, I am so sorry that you are facing infertility. We are a family w/three bio kids who has chosen to adopt our fourth (and maybe more!). We cannot have anymore bio kids. We had always been interested in adoption though.

In my experience, I only know of one domestic adoption that went through without a hitch. I know that many of them do though, so I’m sure that is something to consider, perhaps by contacting Catholic Chartities in your area. We are adopting from El Salvador for no reason other than God led us there and we felt called to this particular child. It was not an easy choice. Many of our friends have adopted from other countries, Guatemala and Russia and completed their adoptions in less than a year. We have been in this process over 18 mos and are hoping to get our court date soon. Our son, who had just turned one when we received his pictures, is now almost three. It breaks my my heart to think of what we have missed, but I do believe there is a reason we were drawn to him.

If you want to do international, I would research the different countries’ requirements, travel time, fees, etc. After you see all that, you will get a clearer picture of what you are drawn to. For instance, we didn’t want a country with a long stay required because we can’t leave our other children for that long. Also, if you know anyone who has adopted, talk to them. Finally, there are internet lists for adoptions from almost every country. If you are considering China or Guatemala or Russia, find a yahoogroup for people adopting from those countries and read all about their experiences. Ask for their agency recommendations, that is crucial. Finally, really do your research on agencies. Ask not only how their good cases go, but how they handle it when unexpected things happen.

Good luck. This is definitely a situation where God can take a very heartbreaking loss and give you a huge blessing from it.

HUGS,
Nicole
 
I sent in a “thread” just as yours facing adoption. Don’t worry about the infertility issue or any other obstacles in your way. My husband and I are going through our local social services and we never met so many people with great enthusiasm regardless of their condition. All children deserve and need a healthy home to grow up in. I am pretty sure you are up to it in your heart as you are in your mind to give them what they need. There are plenty of services on-line, at your local church, and this forum to get you started. Good luck.
 
As you can see from this thread, most people have positive experiences with adoption. I think this is generally true. The scary stories, such as amarikidd mentions, are very rare.
We were licensed as foster-adopt parents, which means our children were not legally free for adoption when we got them. If their birthmothers had been able to comply with the requirements of the state (going to counselling, drug testing,) they would have been able to have their children returned.
They were not able to make it, and we adopted both children. We got them at 28 months and 10 months. It was hard during the waiting period, to know that they might have to go back – it requires mature people who are able to put the child’s welfare first. Only prayer helped me through. But I would do it again – our kids are great. They have both met their birthparents, and have photos, but they’re not involved in our lives at all.
I wish you the best in your journey.
 
I was adopted as a replacement for a child who had died. Needless to say, the family in which I was placed didn’t work out. * Fortunately, after a year I ended up in a better home. I’m thankful to have made it into such a loving and accepting home. I have really grown to admire couples willing to adopt kids, especially those with special needs. There are so many children out there who need loving homes! 👍*
 
Thank you to everyone who responded. You’ve all given me something to think about. Thanks especially for the prayers.

Diane
 
Mrs. Q and I have two biological kids and are in the middle of adopting a boy from Mongolia. We’ve already been matched, and we’re just waiting for final approval so we can go and bring him home.

If I could give one piece of advice, I would tell you to make sure that you sign on with a legitimate, respected agency in your community. I can vouch for Catholic Charities, Lutheran Social Services, and Holt International. You will appreciate the expertise and credibility.

Best of luck!

Quin
 
Try www.ukrainianangels.org to adopt a child from the Ukraine. One of the OR nurses at the local hospital did so and she now has two lovely daughters (ages 5 and 3) who are biological sisters. I believe she said that the total cost for adopting both girls was $15,000.00.

My husband and I are thinking into looking at this org. Our son is now 10 (he was adopted privately… friend of a friend of a friend thing) and wants a brother, though not necessarily a BABY brother. When you’re ten, you want someone who can ride bikes, swim and climb trees with you! Family situations have kept us from pursuing another adoption earlier (when my sister-in-law died 2 years ago, I sort of “adopted” my niece and two nephews, ages 7, 5, and 2 at the time) but we’re really wanting to have a larger family.

Good luck and my prayers are with you!

BlueRose
 
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