Adoption & Biological Mother problem

[rayne89]

When my daurghter was 14, she became pregnant. She gave birth and gave the baby up for adoption. This blessing is now 18yrs and wants to establish a relationship with her biological mom… My daughter does not want this. How do you tell this to this young lady without crushing her?

Carla I would suggest you start a new thread on your question so as to get as many responses as possible. I am an adoptee and have never searched for my bio-mom. Do you as the grandmother wish to have a relationship with your granddaughter? If so, I would say your daughter is not ready to establish a relationship but you would like to get to know her. Either way I would say positive things about why she was given up for adoption. (Clearly abortion was legal 18 years ago so your daughter wanted to give her bio-daughter life. Although I would not bring up abortion to your bio-granddaughter.) That her not being ready to have a relationship with her is not a reflection on your granddaughter’s worthiness. Maybe something like it was a very difficult decision and she’s not ready to open those wounds up but she wanted a good life for her daughter and didn’t feel she could give it to her.

 

[white_sheep]

I wouldn’t have taught the kid that his new mom isn’t his mom. Sounds confusing to me. Whether or not she is his bio-mom is irrelevant. She is his mom now and I wouldn’t try to draw any sort of distinction any longer.

It seems to me like this isn’t the right time for all of this, maybe when he’s 9 or 10, but I think now it would be more harmful than beneficial for the boy. My honest opinion is to tell her to get lost until he’s 18. She’d just cause at this time a lot of confusion, and later on, problems.

Just my opinions.

 

[DarkLight]

I wouldn’t have taught the kid that his new mom isn’t his mom. Sounds confusing to me. Whether or not she is his bio-mom is irrelevant. She is his mom now and I wouldn’t try to draw any sort of distinction any longer.

It seems to me like this isn’t the right time for all of this, maybe when he’s 9 or 10, but I think now it would be more harmful than beneficial for the boy. My honest opinion is to tell her to get lost until he’s 18. She’d just cause at this time a lot of confusion, and later on, problems.

Just my opinions.

I knew extremely young that my grandparents on one side weren’t my biological grandparents. I don’t recall it ever causing any confusion - my parents simply explained that sometimes the people who take care of you and raise you aren’t the ones that are your biological relatives. Now there were no problem relatives in my situation, but still it wasn’t that hard to understand.

It’s safer that he hear it from his family than possibly from some other relative, in any case. So he won’t be confused if someone starts talking about it.

 

[God_Seeker_1]

Thanks for all your interactions.

I have a further concern. There is no sign that the biomom would conduct a kidnapping. But is there anyway to be secure from this in advance, just in case?

 

[DarkLight]

Thanks for all your interactions.

I have a further concern. There is no sign that the biomom would conduct a kidnapping. But is there anyway to be secure from this in advance, just in case?

Well, your child is young enough that he shouldn’t be out on his own. So the main thing is to alert any caregivers. Provide a photo and/or description of the biomom to the school and any other people that take care of him, with a brief explanation that she has no parental rights and is not allowed to pick him up.