adoption

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sugarmill2005

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Have you heard of couples getting a very negative reaction from family when they
announce they are adopting? We are 50 and 51 and want to adopt. We are shocked
by the reactions from family members. We have been told that we are replacing
our 21 year old children, That it is not fair to them. That if God had intended us to
have a child it would have happened(I’m serious) My wife has never had a child
(my second marriage)…and very much wants to adopt. The other reaction from
my mother was “have you considered in-vitro”. I am ashamed of my family. It is
beginning to damage our relationship with the family. Do you have any advice?

Thanks
Ed
 
Sorry to hear your family isn’t supportive. There are many preconceived notions regarding adoption. I know it is too late now but I would stop talking about adoption with your extended family. I know you must be really excited but until you have “nailed down” more of the details, they really don’t need to be told. I am an adoptive parent(with a supportive family) and sometimes when I told a person of our plans, they talked to others(because they were excited/happy) and soon it seemed everyone knew our business. I now look at it this way. Most people don’t tell their family when they are trying to get pregnant, so why should adoptive parents let everyone know their business in the beginning of the adoption process? There are also many great books to help adoptive parents deal with rude/ignorant comments & family members(sorry I can’t think of any titles right now). Just remember, your family is probably trying to be helpful and they think they are giving good advice(believe it or not:rolleyes:). Good luck.
 
Nonsense! Don’t ever let your families ignorant opinions bother you. It’s none of their business - just yours and God’s. You will know in your hearts what is the right thing to do. Take it from a birthmom. Good luck and God’s grace to you!
 
Is your family concerned about adopting at ages 50 and 51? Are you planning on adopting an infant or older child? I understand your wife’s desire to have a child. I am an adoptive mother of 3 children myself. However, some of your family’s concerns may center around this aspect, rather than adopting in and of itself.

Prayers for you and your wife that you make the right decision for yourselves and any potential children that you may wish to adopt.
 
I’m in a similar situation. My wife and I, married for over 25 years, have several grown children as well as some teenagers still in the house. We’re about 5 years younger than you and we are adopting three girls, two babies and a 3 year old.

We have not gotten much support from our extended family. Polite ignoring is about as good as we’ve seen. Our children are thrilled, however, and love their sisters to death. Our parents’ reactions have varied from hostile to pretending that it doesn’t exist.

I believe age does play into it. I’m old enough to know I don’t have the energy I used to have and I also know how much effort it takes to raise a child. To my advantage, however, is experience and - I hope - growing wisdom.

Several years ago, before we even thought about adding to our families, I wrote a novel in which a man in his forties has children. His first wife died in an accident that killed his older children as well. I was imagining what it would be like to have to start over, a concept that frightened me deeply at the time.

I found this paragraph, and - amazingly - it really has been playing out this way for me:
I also found I was a different type of father the second time around, perhaps because of my new-found understanding or maybe just due to being older and more patient. Before, I had been consumed with raising Godly children by making sure I did everything right. I had to say the right things and do all the right tasks to be sure that they’d all fall in line. By now, I had figured out that most of parenting is just being there and being a good example. I still disciplined my children, God tells us we must if we love them, but I was content to let them unfold as the unique individuals that they were. I was there to guide and mold them not to forge them from raw steel into a design of my own fashion. I’d been given a gift and was delighted to watch how it played out in front of my eyes.
Click to expand...
So my gift to my younger children is a more patient father; they’ll have to live with the fact I’m not as energetic as I once was.

As for the rest of my family, they can either accept our children or do without us. We’re a package deal. I do not tolerate passive-aggressive behavior or manipulative actions. When I see unacceptable behavior, I call it out.

You are the protector of your children - even if that means protecting them from the rest of your family.

We need to start a club for older couples who adopt.
 
sugarmill2005 said:
Have you heard of couples getting a very negative reaction from family when they
announce they are adopting? We are 50 and 51 and want to adopt. We are shocked
by the reactions from family members. We have been told that we are replacing
our 21 year old children, That it is not fair to them. That if God had intended us to
have a child it would have happened(I’m serious) My wife has never had a child
(my second marriage)…and very much wants to adopt. The other reaction from
my mother was “have you considered in-vitro”. I am ashamed of my family. It is
beginning to damage our relationship with the family. Do you have any advice?

Thanks
Ed
Click to expand...
My parent’s wanted to adopt after all of us were over 18…My youngest brother told them he would disown them as parents if he was not the baby any more…Yeah real mature…SO my parent’s didn’t adopt…

I thought it was fantastic… I told them that they should offer a good home to a child in need…I supported their decision…They didn’t take the support…And decided to just dedicate to grandkids…

If I were you I would do whatever your heart tells you to do. If you are unable to have children of your own, then adopt…If that’s what your heart is asking you for then do it.

I have manipulative parents, believe me they use everything against me…Really sad…
But I would definitely adopt. I was told I can’t have any more children, someday I hope to be able to adopt a child as well…

God bless and good luck!
 
If you have the love and resources to care for more children, then do it!

There are so many children out there who don’t have any consistency in terms of family or love. You would be giving them a gift by adopting them. Don’t be discouraged by your family, especially if it is something that you truly want to do! Good luck!👍
 
Sugarmill,

I am adopted. My parents got a little words of warning, but nothing major. They say now that the adoption of my sister and I were the greatest choices in their life.

Don’t let the negativity get you down!

On a personal note-God bless you for doing this.

Tim
 
It’s probably VERY hard to see good intentions in your family members when they are saying such hurtful things. I would just encourage you to pray for their change of heart, and try to see that their negativity comes from concern rather than maliciousness.

As far as adoption goes, I think it is WONDERFUL that you are planning to do so. Good for you and your wife, to go against the popular idea that IVF is okay when we know it is morally wrong. Adoption is such a gift… both to the children who need a loving home, and to the parents who long to give them one.

Best wishes!
 
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