If you think adoption will be easier for her than carrying a child in pregnancy, think again!
I realize she has a serious medical condition, but I’ll bet that if you find the right doctor, that condition can be managed through a pregnancy. There is some risk, yes, but it’s probably not as great of a risk as you think.
Adoption, on the other hand, can be very expensive, can be an agonizing emotional roller coaster, and take a very long time. I am an adoption attorney, and an adoptive mom. Don’t assume that you will be able to just call up on the phone when you are ready, and a baby will come along in a year or so. Many adoptive families go through multiple heartbreaks when the birthmom changes her mind (and often lose thousands of dollars in the process), and wait as long as 5 years or more for a baby. A healthly baby will cost $15,000 - $30,000, (more if you adopt from a foreign country) unless you have the good fortune of finding your own birthmom and doing a private adoption through your own attorney, which would be closer to $5,000-10,000. There is a federal tax credit to help, but of course you have to have enough income to where you’re paying $10,000 annually in taxes for it to be of any benefit. Most young married couples don’t have that kind of money.
If you are open to special needs children, make sure your parenting skills are superb. I never doubted that I would be a good parent, but my two adopted kids have so challenged me that I wish I had gotten a college degree in parenting first. My first adopted child came from the foster care system at age 3, and now that he’s 18 I still feel like I’m suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome. Just imagine pushing spaghetti up a hill for 18+ years.
Many children available for adoption have pleasant, easy-going personalities, but more often than not you will encounter kids with ADHD, learning disabiliities, personality issues, etc. That is often the reason their birth families placed them (or lost them) to begin with - the birthparents tend to have various problems, too. Some of these problems are hereditary, some passed on to the baby through substance abuse during the pregnancy.
Don’t get me wrong, these children are worth every effort and every penny you spend. But I’m just saying, the process can be very difficult. So maybe you shouldn’t dismiss having children the natural way too quickly. Have some in-depth consultation with her doctors, and realize that they are going to paint the medical picture much bleaker than it really is, because they are usually trying to protect themselves from liability.
And one final thought - yes, there are many children out there in need of good homes, but the healthy babies have no problem getting placed. Most of the children waiting for a home are going to be:
- Sibling groups
- Over the age of 5, usually more like 8 or 9.
- Seriously abused
- Have a serious/profound medical condition
- Suffer the symptoms of fetal alcohol syndrome (very hard to detect and diagnose) or other drug-exposure.
- Members of minority races
- Some combination of all the above.
God bless you if you feel ready to take this on. But be sure your marriage will be able to withstand the pressures. You sound very open and like you will have no trouble bonding. What about your fiancee? What about your extended family? If a grandparent has trouble accepting the child, it creates a lot of stress. I naively assume my Italian in-laws would have no problem, but they definitely favor the adopted child of Italian descent, and can’t stand my hot-tempered little Irish red-head.
