Adoption

[alitaptap]

Is it wrong not to tell someone (adopted) that he/she is not genetically related to you?

Isn’t it a selfish act on part of the parents not telling the child?

 

[teachccd]

Is it wrong not to tell someone (adopted) that he/she is not genetically related to you?

Isn’t it a selfish act on part of the parents not telling the child?

Is it something to be ashamed of? Why wouldn’t a parent want to tell their child that s/he was adopted? Yes, I would think that it would have to be selfish since the child would be living a lie for whatever way it might accommodate the adoptive parents…teachccd

 

[Joe_Kelley]

I don’t know of a teaching on the morality of not telling the child, but practicality seems to dictate that they be told as soon as possible and grow up with the knowledge. This was the teaching at the time we adopted 40+ years ago.

I knew of a few cases where the child hadn’t been told. They eventually learned from loose-lipped relatives, looking through family papers, etc. Often the knowledge hit them by surprise at about the time they were entering adolescence, about the age their unwed mother was when they were born . With all else that was hitting them at the time, they had great difficulty in incorporating this into their life, and many went rather far off the rails. This seemed to be the experience of others, and the adoption agencies were urging/insisting that the child be informed in such steps as they could understand at a young age.

 

[1ke]

Is it wrong not to tell someone (adopted) that he/she is not genetically related to you?

Isn’t it a selfish act on part of the parents not telling the child?

You are making assumptions.

There are many factors-- the age of the child, the circumstances of their adoption, the emotional state of the child, etc.-- which might have contributed to such a decision on the part of the parents.

You don’t have all the facts. No, it is not your place to inform a **child **they are adopted. You can do a lot of psychological damage.

If this person is an adult, I would not lie or keep the truth from them but neither would I go out of my way to tell them. I would focus on encouraging the parents to tell an adult child, as it is best if it comes from them.

 

[rayne89]

I found out I was adopted by accident when I was 18 looking through my dad’s files for my birth certificate to apply for my marriage license. Yup major shock. I recovered pretty quickly -I was planning my wedding, my fiance was coming home from bootcamp in a few weeks to get married.

Looking back I’m glad I didn’t know. My sister (not biological) died when I was 13, my teenage years were very rough. I would have said somethings that I could never take back l that I know I would have regretted -and I would have thought my mom’s behavior toward me was because we weren’t related biologically.

Now being an adult I realize she has psychological problems which really blew up after the stress of losing my sister. Plus I think finding out later, I didn’t go through the things that young children do about “why did my mom give me away”? I was old enough to understand obviously being placed for adoption was the best thing my bio-mom could do for me. I don’t have that “hole” that many adoptees that have always known from as young as they can remember often talk about.

Am I glad I found out? Yeah probably, but it really hasn’t changed anything -except filling out medical history has become a lot shorter. My daughter looks like very much like me, its fascinating to see myself in someone else for the first time -other than that being adopted is just a blip on the radar screen for me.

 

[thistle]

Is it wrong not to tell someone (adopted) that he/she is not genetically related to you?

Isn’t it a selfish act on part of the parents not telling the child?

There is certainly no Church teaching on this issue.
However, why would the parents want to withhold such information from the child. I would think it should simply be a case of telling the child at an age they are most likely to understand instead of not telling the child at all.

 

[vera_dicere]

I wouldn’t say it was “immoral” to not tell a child they were adopted, but they have every right to know. Mind you, it could be a lie by ommission.

I was adopted and I’ve always known.

I also have a few friends who were also adopted and the ones that find out by accident didn’t deal with it very well, of course, that’s not to say all children who find out by accident won’t deal with it,

But its part of who you are, there’s always that “who am I? where did I come from?” question that is important for every person to develop and understand. And kids aren’t stupid, they can guess if something isn’t right, or if they over hear something from relatives that gets them wondering, and usually when that happens they can pull away from their family thinking they dont’ really belong.

Yes, there can be circumstances where teh adoption took place under less than pleasant terms, but the child should still be told they were adopted and then if they so desire they can follow up with any investigation. A friend of mine found out she was not only a rape baby, but that the rapist was her biological mother’s uncle! However, she was glad she knew this beause she said she was now prepared if her biological mother ever tried to contact her.

If anything, its important to know for medical reasons. As I mentioned, I always knew, but I had no desire to seek my biological family because I was happy where I was, but my biological mother sought me and essentially forced herself into my life. (Which is another eason why the child should knwo, better hearing it from the parents who raised them then from a complete stranger contacting them saying “I’m yoru mum”). But when I met my biological mother I found out a raft of medical problems that affect any future children I may have. I also found out about an eye problem that would not have been picked up had I not had a name to suggest to the opthamologist.

 

[vz71]

There is certainly no Church teaching on this issue.
However, why would the parents want to withhold such information from the child. I would think it should simply be a case of telling the child at an age they are most likely to understand instead of not telling the child at all.

I would not consider it withholding of information.
Just how often does this subject come up?

Without any overt effort to hide the information, it could well be decades before it comes up on its own.

I would think it to be a topic to be well prepared for and just wait for it to come up on its own.

 

[thistle]

I would not consider it withholding of information.
Just how often does this subject come up?

Without any overt effort to hide the information, it could well be decades before it comes up on its own.

I would think it to be a topic to be well prepared for and just wait for it to come up on its own.

Frankly thats ridiculous. How many times sitting round a dinner table would any child ask if they were adopted?? Never!!
It is up to the parents to give such information at an appropriate time in the child’s life. If they don’t then it most certainly is withholding information. In fact it is withholding important information.

 

[vz71]

Frankly thats ridiculous. How many times sitting round a dinner table would any child ask if they were adopted?? Never!!

Right. So if this information never comes up, just how important is it?
The adoptive parents are the true parents in any meaningful sense of the word.
So why disrupt lives with information that is completely unneccessary?

It is up to the parents to give such information at an appropriate time in the child’s life. If they don’t then it most certainly is withholding information.

No, it is up to the parents to tell the child when they deem appropriate.
It is most certainly not withholding important information.
Your above quoted testimony indicates this. This information simply does not come up, so just how important can it possibly be?
Withholding information would indicate an intent that is simply not there.

Having a well prepared and honest response to the question is prudent, but there is no need to volunteer such information until the parents deem it appropriate.

Were I to adopt (and my wife and I have considered it) the appropriate time in my book is when it is asked about.

 

[RosaryFan]

Is it wrong not to tell someone (adopted) that he/she is not genetically related to you?

Isn’t it a selfish act on part of the parents not telling the child?

I always thought the wrong thing to do would be to keep it a secret. Especially in this day and age when all kinds of info is right at our fingertips. Why would one lie to their child?

 

[thistle]

Right. So if this information never comes up, just how important is it?
The adoptive parents are the true parents in any meaningful sense of the word.
So why disrupt lives with information that is completely unneccessary?

No, it is up to the parents to tell the child when they deem appropriate.
It is most certainly not withholding important information.
Your above quoted testimony indicates this. This information simply does not come up, so just how important can it possibly be?
Withholding information would indicate an intent that is simply not there.

Having a well prepared and honest response to the question is prudent, but there is no need to volunteer such information until the parents deem it appropriate.

Were I to adopt (and my wife and I have considered it) the appropriate time in my book is when it is asked about.

Again thats ridiculous. Why should any child have to raise the subject?
The onus is on the parents to bring it up and inform the child, whether its when they are a minor or reach adulthood.
It is wrong and selfish for parents not to tell their adopted children.

 

[vz71]

Again thats ridiculous. Why should any child have to raise the subject?
The onus is on the parents to bring it up and inform the child, whether its when they are a minor or reach adulthood.
It is wrong and selfish for parents not to tell their adopted children.

You have not given any reason why the information is pertinent.

I do not have to explain everything to my child.

As children, I am entrusted with understanding what they do and do not need to develop and live a good life. Questions of origin may or may not play a part.
Likely they do not. It is not necessary information.
As an adult, the question becomes one of “what difference does it make?”
And again, the topic may or may not come up.

Would it be prudent to have a well thought out answer…yes.
Is it necessary to volunteer any information? NO.

 

[thistle]

You have not given any reason why the information is pertinent.

I do not have to explain everything to my child.

As children, I am entrusted with understanding what they do and do not need to develop and live a good life. Questions of origin may or may not play a part.
Likely they do not. It is not necessary information.
As an adult, the question becomes one of “what difference does it make?”
And again, the topic may or may not come up.

Would it be prudent to have a well thought out answer…yes.
Is it necessary to volunteer any information? NO.

Question of origin always plays a part. Even if its not a legal requirement a child has the right to know their whole story.
Adoptive parents who keep such information from the child are simply being selfish and this is the result of fear on their part that the child will abandon them if they know the truth.

 

[vz71]

Question of origin always plays a part. Even if its not a legal requirement a child has the right to know their whole story.

No one questioned whether or not it is a legal right.
It is a question of the parents judgement.
The fact that you bring up legality seems to indicate you believe a government body knows better how to raise the child then the parents do. That the state should be making decisions in place of the parent.
Please say it ain’t so.

Adoptive parents who keep such information from the child are simply being selfish

No, they are not.
Please provide documentation to back up this accusation.

and this is the result of fear on their part that the child will abandon them if they know the truth.

Again, completely false.
This is an assumption based on nothing.
Again, I must call for documentation here.

Unfounded accusation serves no purpose then to weaken arguments.

 

[vz71]

Question of origin always plays a part.

Were this really true, then the topic would come up more.
As it stands, the topic rarely comes up.
Whether in an adoptive situation or not, the topic of origin simply does not come up that often.

 

[thistle]

Were this really true, then the topic would come up more.
As it stands, the topic rarely comes up.
Whether in an adoptive situation or not, the topic of origin simply does not come up that often.

Is there something wrong with you? I don’t know anyone (apart from you) who is not interested in their origins.

I know quite a number of parents who adopted children. Most of them told their children they were adopted while some children found out because other people (who knew they had been adopted) told them.
The ones who were told by their parents were happy to be told by their parents while the ones who found out through other folks were not happy their adoptive parents had not told them.
The parents who had not told them told me they had withheld the information because they were scared the children concerned would look for their biological parents and either leave their adoptive parents or at least not feel the same way about them again.
In fact their fears were unfounded.
For all of the children of the adoptive parents they tried to find out about their biological parents because they wanted to know their origins and why they had been put up for adoption.

 

[vz71]

Is there something wrong with you? I don’t know anyone (apart from you) who is not interested in their origins.

I did not say there was no interest.
I said the topic simply does not come up that often.
Were I content to believe that there was no interest I would not even bother to have a well prepared answer to the question.

I know quite a number of parents who adopted children. Most of them told their children they were adopted while some children found out because other people (who knew they had been adopted) told them.
The ones who were told by their parents were happy to be told by their parents while the ones who found out through other folks were not happy their adoptive parents had not told them.

Perhaps, but there is not enough information in your statements to conclude that not telling the child is wrong.
Perhaps these parents had not prepared in advance. Perhaps they actually lied about it and were caught. There are any number of reasons for a bad reaction.
Have you accounted for all of these in your conclusion?

The parents who had not told them told me they had withheld the information because they were scared the children concerned would look for their biological parents and either leave their adoptive parents or at least not feel the same way about them again.

Really? All of them? Did you ask?
I know a set of parents that did not bother to tell because it just never came up.
Fear had nothing to do with it.

Do you have something to back up your claims?

 

[Tide210]

Not only should your tell your child that he is adopted, you should celebrate it. He is special because you hand picked him; out of all the children in the world, you chose him.

Of course, that doesn’t mean you should always rub it in his face and constantly be talking about it, that’s overkill. However, it should be ingrained in his mind that he is adopted and he should be proud of it.

 

[Joe_Kelley]

Not only should your tell your child that he is adopted, you should celebrate it. He is special because you hand picked him; out of all the children in the world, you chose him.

Of course, that doesn’t mean you should always rub it in his face and constantly be talking about it, that’s overkill. However, it should be ingrained in his mind that he is adopted and he should be proud of it.

Ours, and I think most that were adopted from agencies at least, were not picked. We were presented the child and told - This is your baby - Just like they do in the maternity ward.

With our second one we brought the two year old along. The lady at the maternity home brought the baby in and presented her to the two year old. Her response - “Don’t want it.” We had to explain that that was her response to everything at the time.