Adult Child - Adult child relations

[TarkanAttila]

So tonight I’m cleaning up my room (and may or may not be wearing unintentionally bleached clothes to-morrow) because of a tantrum my young adult sister had because I wouldn’t let her use the couch.

Ah, but here’s the reason I did it - and I told her this, too: because her mother is tired of her using the couch to sleep on at night. She’s got her own bedroom. Yet every night she comes and soils up the living room by using it as her personal living quarters. And mom’s tired of her sleeping out there.

So this was an effort to get her out of the living room and off the couch. I wasn’t given permission by Mom to do this.

Now, here are my questions: first, do you think this would make a good AAA question?

Second, was I wrong to prevent her from using the couch by my own power?

Third, if, instead, I were this child’s parent, would I be right in doing this, and she be wrong in throwing a tantrum? (I’m not thinking of applying to become my sister’s legal guardian. I’m just asking for future reference.)

 

[bzkoss236]

It’d say it’s called corrective behavior. You are trying correct an incorrect behavior. Granted, you’d have more of a right to correct her if you were her parent, but you are an older sibling, and you should look out for your younger siblings.

 

[Julia_Mae]

Second, was I wrong to prevent her from using the couch by my own power?

Yes. You can mess up your own children when you have them. This is not your child and actually not your business. And I think it should occur to someone who thinks they are old enough and wise enough to pretend to be someone’s father, that your sister might be having some kind of fear or anxiety that is keeping her out of her bedroom.

Go to your own room and go to sleep. This is between your mother and her daughter.

 

[TarkanAttila]

Yes… I think it should occur to someone who thinks they are old enough and wise enough to pretend to be someone’s father, that your sister might be having some kind of fear or anxiety that is keeping her out of her bedroom.

Or it could just have become the site for a new landfill. Having been in there a few times I’ve been wondering if she’s trying to cultivate penicillin - or a biotoxin - in some of those dishes…

Still… you may be on to something.

Thank you.

 

[St_Francis]

I tell my children they can help each other to obey but not to be the parent. In a case such as yours, a reminder of offer to help–hey sis, don’t fall asleep in there cause Mom doesn’t like it, or, hey, sis, do you want me to wake you up if you fall asleep in the couch? would be appropriate, but anything further, no. Your mother is the parent, she is in charge and you shouldn’t interfere.

 

[Julia_Mae]

I knew a young woman who was in the Navy, she had a very responsible job with a high clearance. After she left, she was kept on in a similar job at the same installation by the civilian contractors. She was accomplished, intelligent and responsible. He job was secret and she was totally trusted.

She had a lovely apartment. She never slept in her bedroom. She hadn’t since she was a teen-ager. She slept on the couch in her livingroom. Always had.

Some are slobs because they are lazy and selfish. Some are nesting and having stuff around them, even their dirty dishes, makes them feel safe. Some just go through a phase and grow out of it. Some young people, male as well as female, get frightened at how fast they are expected to grow up. Some things get mom’s attention more than others.

I have no idea what’s going on, of course, I just thought I’d share my experience, being like, way old. Good luck and God bless you and your family.

 

[vsedriver]

because her mother is tired of her using the couch to sleep on at night.

this is your mother’s responsibility as the parent and home owner. Unless this is your home that you are paying for you really don’t have a say in the matter.

Is your mother too chicken to confront your sister and is whining to you knowing you’ll step in and fight her battles? This is lazy parenting. The next time your mother complains to you about your sister tell her that you are tired of listening to the complaints and she should either do something about it herself or keep quiet.

If you step outside of your sisterly relationship you risk losing a sister. If your sister is driving you crazy, then you only have one option… move out.

 

[Catholic_Wife]

It’d say it’s called corrective behavior. You are trying correct an incorrect behavior. Granted, you’d have more of a right to correct her if you were her parent, but you are an older sibling, and you should look out for your younger siblings.

This is the very reason my brother and I no longer speak to each other. As long as I can remember, he has bossed me around like he’s my father instead of acting like a brother. He’s mad because I don’t listen to him and do what he wants me to do. I’m angry because he treats me like a child, even though I’m old enough to have grown children of my own.

TarkanAttila, if this were your child sleeping on the couch when you asked her not to, then you would have the right/responsibility to ask her to stop. As it is, you can only remind your sister than your mother doesn’t want her sleeping on the couch, but it’s your mother’s responsibility to enforce this.

 

[Actaeon]

I knew a young woman who was in the Navy, she had a very responsible job with a high clearance. After she left, she was kept on in a similar job at the same installation by the civilian contractors. She was accomplished, intelligent and responsible. He job was secret and she was totally trusted.

She had a lovely apartment. She never slept in her bedroom. She hadn’t since she was a teen-ager. She slept on the couch in her livingroom. Always had.

Some are slobs because they are lazy and selfish. Some are nesting and having stuff around them, even their dirty dishes, makes them feel safe. Some just go through a phase and grow out of it. Some young people, male as well as female, get frightened at how fast they are expected to grow up. Some things get mom’s attention more than others.

I have no idea what’s going on, of course, I just thought I’d share my experience, being like, way old. Good luck and God bless you and your family.

Well, there could be other reasons too… I’m in the military and I sleep on my couch about 30% of the time for a few reasons:

1. I have a stiff bed to help when my back is sore. When my back isn’t sore, my comfy couch is actually quite nice to sleep on.
2. I wake up easier if I sleep on my couch (for whatever reason… I guess sleeping on my couch feels more like a nap and I’m more willing to get up). Since I’m in a master’s degree program AND work insane military hours, I often go to bed after 1 and get up by 6 or 7… after a few days, that’s pretty exhausting and I end up napping on the couch rather than “sleeping” in my bed.

Then again, I live alone and pay all my own bills so I can do what I want. I don’t have a parent around who wants me to sleep in my room. But to the OP, you’re not the mother. While you can REMIND your sister to not sleep on the couch because it’s against your mother’s wishes, unless your mother has specifically instructed you to take further action you should leave it at that.

The path you’re walking isn’t likely to help (temper tantrums being thrown is evidence of that) and your sister certainly isn’t going to listen to YOUR authority if she’s not listening to your mom yet. Furthermore, you run the risk of angering your mother if she perceives that you’re overstepping your bounds and/or usurping her role as the parent.

 

[crystal_waters]

Its not your place to correct your sisters behaviour, that is down to your mother, and so what if she wants to sleep on the couch, if your mother is fine with it then its ok, shes not hurting anybody…