Adult child trouble...a long one

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Deltadeliquent

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I thought I would write to the folks at this forum about my biggest problem. It seems that the people here have lots of experience and I need some real good advice. But it’s a long story, so I apologise

My son is 20 and living in NJ going to community college. He has been there almost two years and has a mop up semester to finish his associates degree. He is very intelligent, except for Math. This is his biggest academic problem.

However good all of that sounds. I am very worried about him. My overbearing sister is in NJ and treats him as if he were her child. Very bossy. I have distanced myself from her because of the damage she can do.

I am worried because he has had a history of being very resistant to help and direction. As a teenager he was very resistant to me, and resentful. He alienated his step father and step sister to the point that they never spoke. He lied about things at school, and was manipulative. No drugs or booze or much sex… But his attitude made life very hard for everyone.

He was in the Air Cadets and do very well, but quit when he was 16.

His father and I are divorced and I and my son did move to the UK when he was 13. He kept saying that he liked it over there, but with him you could never tell. His father has been very distant since the divorce and has not been a real father.

Finally the silence and resentment got the better of me and I offered to send him to college in the States. We decided on NJ so my sister could be nearby.

Ok, so my problem is this…I have no idea how he is really doing. He says he’s fine, but sometimes he says things that make me think he isn’t. He is still very resistant to taking direction and often simply does not answer my questions. We have been doing better reesently since he has a girl friend that is a lot of trouble and he has been using me as an agony aunt.

I am very happy and grateful that I can do that for him and that we are now talking more. But the small hints I’ve gotten recently have my radar up again. I’ve offered to visit, to move him to another school, suggested that he take a semester off and have some fun. I have let him now I am supportive of anything he wants to do. But there seems nothing that he does want to do. He’s just marking time in school if he is even going.

I don’t Know what to do. He has always been a loner and quietly difficult. I’m afraid he is going off the deep end and I can nothing.
Any advice? I am trying to let him go and stop being a Mom, but I’m ready to jump out of my skin.
 
You can never stop being a mum, and nor should you. It is good that he feels he can talk to you about things.

It sounds like he has suffered from a lack of male role model in his life. There’s not much you can do about that, given his father has failed to be as involved as he should be, and no matter how good a mother you are, you cannot fill that void for a young man. Pray that God will provide men of good character in your son’s life that he can learn from.

I’m not sure what advice I could offer, so I’ll just repeat the advice from above…pray. And in particular, you could considered praying to St Monica, who is a patron saint for worried mothers.
 
Ditto.

My son is 24 and in college and still drives me crazy. If I ask him if he’s OK, I’m accused of treating him like a kid. When he asks for money, I’m an overbearing control freak.

I’ve pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I did the best with what I had. Now all I can do is pray. He calls, I listen to him vent, I tell him I love him and I pray. You can drive yourself crazy with ‘shoulda, woulda, coulda’. There is no point in doing that. Good luck!
 
Thanks. I feel terribly guilty and rack my brain constantly over what I have done.
SomeTimes I think he just needs some maturity and time, others I thunk I’m the worst mother in the world.

I made sure he had opportunities to develop father figures in his life, but he rejected them all including my second husband who is the sweetest man I have ever known,

I was very disappointed in his real father because he made such a fuss , Iron John and all. But when it was his responsibility he just dropped the ball.

I will pray to St. Monica. I have been bending the ear of the Virgin Mary figuring she would know how hard it can be for a mother to have a difficult son… But I will pray to St. Monica too now.
 
Cant you ring his college and talk confidentially to a teacher and get their opinion, after all they are seeing him daily, and ask the teacher to keep an eye on him and report any concerns straight to you
 
crystal_waters said:
Cant you ring his college and talk confidentially to a teacher and get their opinion, after all they are seeing him daily, and ask the teacher to keep an eye on him and report any concerns straight to you
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No instructor who values his/her job will do that. His in CC in the states. His confidentiality is protected by FERPA. He can sue the school if anyone releases any information about him without his written consent.
 
Do the best you can every day, say prayers, send care packages, be supportive and listen more than talk. When he gets older he will understand. Nothing works more miracles than a mother’s prayers.
 
SouthCatholic said:
crystal waters;10669181:
Cant you ring his college and talk confidentially to a teacher and get their opinion, after all they are seeing him daily, and ask the teacher to keep an eye on him and report any concerns straight to you
Click to expand...
No instructor who values his/her job will do that. His in CC in the states. His confidentiality is protected by FERPA. He can sue the school if anyone releases any information about him without his written consent.
Click to expand...
Yes, not to mention the great sense of mistrust and manipulation that might be felt towards the OP if the son ever found out!
 
He has always valued his privacy to the extent that I could never do that even if I could.

I did do it in high school, but after that…no dice!
 
My son is 19 and in college also, after having dropped out of high school he’s finally working on learning a trade. But I know how you feel, I don’t really know how he’s doing and he won’t tell me, except to drop hints now and then like, “I’m thinking of dropping out of this class,” or “selling my laptop” etc,
This is an age when their brains are still developing, it continues until about age 24 or 25. They are still learning who they are and are touchy about being treated like less than competent adults.
Your main concern seems to be that you don’t know exactly what he’s up to or how he’s doing. Young people this age often don’t want to discuss their lives with their parents. Basically the only thing we can do is let them know that we are there for them if they want to talk or need anything, try not to hover, and pray for them.
If your son has nearly finished an associate degree, he will soon be able to support himself. He doesn’t want guidance and direction, he probably wants to find his own way. Assume he will do so, treat him like an adult and he will probably surprise you.
 
Thanks for all the replies.
I have been trying to keep a very low or file and not give advice unless he asks for it.
He gets money from me and his real dad but he knows that tops if he is not in school.
I am hoping that the fear of 40 hours a week will get him to a university to finish a full degree.
He is very smart except in math, and comes from a family full of degrees, including my two and his fathers two. I figure that if he doesn’t want to work now is a good time to finish a full degree on our dime. If school stops, he money stops.
My take on this that he has let his resentment over the divorce take over his life. He has burned many bridges.
 
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Healing between you and your Son is my suggestion (and we all go through this) where separations and divorces are concerned!

Therefore, why do you not transfer your son to a university/college in the UK close to his family (yourself and his sibling) to spend the precious time that you both have missed out on since the relocations? He sounds as if loneliness has been experienced and would do a great deal better completing his studies near you. I would ensure that your son attends Prayer, Mass and Reconciliation with you regularly to rid any manipulation that he tries upon return.

Pray The Holy Rosary to Jesus and Our Mother Mary asking for His Divine answer to your question (twice daily I try and pray to receive Jesus and Our Lady Mary’s answers) to my questions relating to my grown up Children. I always pray for World Peace, other causes and then my own at the end.

Kindest wishes

Please Dear Jesus Christ our Saviour and Dear Our Lady Mary Mother of Jesus, could You please bathe this Mother and Child in Thy Divine Love, Healing, Health, Safety and Happiness, re-uniting their Spirits and Souls in your Ease, now and for Eternity, Amen.

Hail Mary Full of Grace, The Lord is with Thee, Blessed art Thou among Women and Blessed is The Fruit of Thy Womb Jesus. Holy Mary Mother of God pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death, Amen.

Hail Mary Full of Grace, The Lord is with Thee, Blessed art Thou among Women and Blessed is The Fruit of Thy Womb Jesus. Holy Mary Mother of God pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death, Amen.

Hail Mary Full of Grace, The Lord is with Thee, Blessed art Thou among Women and Blessed is The Fruit of Thy Womb Jesus. Holy Mary Mother of God pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death, Amen.
 
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My Post after reading it appears that there is healing required between both of you (when in fact I know it is Father and Son given you spent the time raising your son and doing everything for him prior to departing to the States).

Regardless of the facts, and I know this from my experience with my son, it would be wonderful for you both to spend time together before he settles down and marries someone prior to completing university.

Kindest love and wishes.
 
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