Adult Children leaving nest shattered

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TeaBelle

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Seven years we have loved my daughters husband as a true son. Through college and law school, providing when it was needed, purchased a car, paying all medical bills for my daughter who became ill 4yrs ago with heart problems, fibromyalgia and asthma. She cannot work or care fully for herself. After he graduated law school they moved back home till he passed the Bar exam. In 7months he took one seasonal temp job, passed the bar and played video games while “posting applications online”. He’s told my daughter he wants to stay near us but if no “online application” comes through he must join the military as his “plan B”. While his online job hunt has not been successful we have had to pay 4$k of his bills and my husband has recently insisted he go get any kind of job. He came home with a 2week temp job as he announced to us it was the only job available for only 2weeks. I asked my daughter what is in 2weeks? She was informed it was planB enlisting date:cold_sweat: He’s promised her in 4years they will be back to get work near us. (I.e. Video games n job hunting all over again?) She says it will be okay as we walked in on him signing papers informing us they are moving 8 hours away and his mother knew before his wife n already had it posted on social network:cold_sweat: This was done with such disrespect, we feel used and can do nothing. I’m heart shattered and helpless…how do I not react horribly to him from here on…🤐😰
 
Well, if he has student loans the JAG corps may be an option that will help repay them. The Navy has a very good student loan repayment benefit. The DOJ has a program too.

There are many law school graduates who can’t find jobs when they get out of law school.

I am sorry you are frustrated, but they are adults and the decision remains between he and his wife. You have helped them and that is a charitable thing to do. But it sounds like maybe there were strings attached if you expected them to continue living close to you as a condition of this help. Help should be freely given or not given at all. Don’t expect them to live near you forever.

Yes it is difficult but you must let go. They are adults.
 
I honestly wouldn’t care if they conquered the world. My daughter cannot even drive or strong enough to cook for herself or walk well without help. If this were done between he and his wife and not done so slyly between he and his mother, we would not feel hurt. If we could have had a conversation about her well being on how he plans to care for her even. If he were to have gotten any job and not sat around playing video games while we payed his bills. If there were any gratitude expressed but there is nothing and I have not said anything negative to him as we are only in shock of all the news since Thursday not knowing how to even react and worried for my daughter who only keeps asking for a miracle to happen in her favor within 8 days before he signs the last official papers. We feel disrespected and used as he walks around with arrogance and we are shattered in shock. I am hurting but know I cannot change what is happening. I am looking for advice on how to handle being around him in future. We don’t even recognize who he has become and everything that has been done feels so unChristian
 
From watching my husband hire others and my son seek employment, much of the job hunt is on line. Interviews are even done via Skype. It’s a tough job market right now. Let them go and be cheerful. he’s supporting your daughter and that is a good thing. They will love you all the more for your generosity as the learn to make it on their own.

I’m sorry for your sadness, being cheerful for their growth will not be easy for you. God bless
 
When you said arrogantly walking around… I got the picture and though I don’t have any suggestions I will pray for you. When the same thing happened to my daughter… not exactly the same because she wasn’t ill… but the arrogant fellow walking around I understand…I also had to let them go 10 hours away…

I’ll keep you all in my prayers…
 
I know much of everything is done online but in the meantime when he’s waiting for the right thing to come along, there are so many jobs a available here in our area that he could have done something to pay his own bills and not sit around doing nothing.
 
1ke said:
Well, if he has student loans the JAG corps may be an option that will help repay them. The Navy has a very good student loan repayment benefit.
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The JAG corps is not a realistic “plan B.” They can be very particular about who they take. Most successful judge advocates had been planning on the JAG corps since their first day of law school.
TeaBelle said:
. In 7months he took one seasonal temp job, passed the bar and played video games while “posting applications online”. He’s told my daughter he wants to stay near us but if no “online application” comes through he must join the military as his “plan B”.
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Sounds like this dude needs to skip right to “plan C.”
 
I’m sorry, I would like to offer a very different take on this, and I respectfully think WillyAl is way, way off base.
  1. Considering all the no-account losers out there your daughter could be married to, anyone who i) graduates law school; ii) passes the bar; and iii) joins the army iv) as an officer – which will require and instill tremendous discipline – must have many redeeming qualities. Add to this that he seems happily married for many years to a very ill woman. Candidly, so far he sounds like he has a LOT of good qualities.
  2. TeaBelle, please consider also that you say you “feel disrespected,” yet have not described anything this man has done to make you feel this way, other than “join the army and move away.”
  3. Also, you say he “walks around all arrogant.” Does he cuss at you? Tell you off? I suspect not, because you don’t say so. Thus, I really have no idea what you mean by that, other than it kind of sounds like sour grapes.
  4. Considering how ill your daughter is, please consider that he’s pursuing a career that offers great health benefits for family members. What would you prefer him to do – hustle between courts in 4 adjoining counties trying to scratch out a living representing DWI defendants? That’s an awfully hard life to ask your daughter to sign on for.
  5. Have you considered that he’s probably embarrassed by his career situation? Consider also, and I mean no disrespect by this, that he may want to move away from his in-laws, who, candidly, sound more than a little smothering of their daughter and his wife.
  6. Finally, far from being unhappy about his employment in the army, consider also that he’s going to be employed and get benefits. I’d think that his parents in law would be happy about that. If anything, consider that the alternative might be “law around and continue to play video games.” If anything, it sounds like he “got religion” metaphorically and is trying to actually make something of himself.
 
Thank you so much for the replies. I’m trying to accept it and wrap my head around what sort of response I’m expected to give in this situation. I’m expected to drop my ill daughter to him and be happy? I don’t even know how to feel except worried, disrespected, n just to cry and pray
 
Nobody ever passed the bar exam by doing nothing but sitting around playing video games. I’ve known medical residents, hard science graduate students, and law students. Sometimes they need to do something worthless: playing video games, watching re-runs of Sponge Bob, and other things you’d be surprised what someone you know is smart and hard-working will do when his or her brain just gets worn out. The main thing is that he *does *pass the bar exam.

*If this were done between he and his wife and not done so slyly between he and his mother, we would not feel hurt. *

I can understand how you would feel hurt at the order in which people found out he’d finally made a decision, but be very careful you do not burn bridges. Is your daughter stirring you up to be angry at him on her behalf? Whether or not she is, is it going to help her to do that? Is it going to help her marriage?

Did you give your daughter and her husband help with the strings attached that you were entitled to priority over his parents? Did you give the help with the strings attached that you were entitled judge whether he was running his professional life to suit you? That is understandable, but understand that there are times when generosity can breed resentment.

If you gave your daughter so much money that you feel entitled to have a say in how she and her husband decide what work he’s going to do and what job he must or must not accept, you probably gave them too much money. I hope you outlined a repayment plan at the time you made the loan, and aren’t stuck asking for this now that you’ve got a reason to be personally upset at them.
 
TeaBelle said:
Thank you so much for the replies. I’m trying to accept it and wrap my head around what sort of response I’m expected to give in this situation. I’m expected to drop my ill daughter to him and be happy? I don’t even know how to feel except worried, disrespected, n just to cry and pray
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Of course you are worried. Let your daughter take the lead on deciding whether she’s getting the care she needs, though. It is a great gift to allow her to run her own life with her husband in spite of her trials.

Your feelings aren’t something you “decide” on. Your feelings are yours to sort out and cope with. Go easy on yourself. Realize that your son-in-law is in a difficult situation, too. I think you can see how hard it would be to need to take the help he’s been forced to take from you, to not be able to take care of his own wife.

Don’t punish yourself for crying. This is a heartbreaking situation. Even if he never meant to show you any disrespect, it is understandable that you’d feel upset. You’re going to have a lot easier time being forgiving of the offense if you forgive yourself for feeling upset. I have a feeling, though, that letting go of this hurt will be the greatest gift you can give your family. It is going to take a good long time, though. Hang in there, yes pray, and be patient. One day at a time; the future may not be so bad as you fear. Sufficient for today are the problems of today. Try to stay there.
 
No sour grapes here only shattered hearts and worry over my daughters well being 8 hours away from any family. If there was a conversation about how he planned to care for her so far away from anyone we wouldn’t feel disrespected. His family will be even further. In the past 3 years they were only 3 hours away n I could go get her to take her to doctors. This will be hard on both families when her health fails. She can’t drive, how will she get to any therapy.

So far his 7yrs of school has brought him to high levels on video games and we welcome the military to adjust his attitude. He is lazy and arrogant. My daughter graduated with honors and scholars n also has a 4 year degree that unfortunately she cannot put to use. He puts her down by laughing at the possibility of her even tutoring, saying “she couldn’t possibly tutor an elementary student ha ha ha”. There are so many things I could say on the subject of his arrogance and disrespect but I only came on this forum to get advice on how to react in a Christian way while dealing with what just hit our family in the face.

Living alone all day in an apartment waiting for someone to come feed you and take care of you is also an awfully hard life to ask of my daughter to sign on for. She’s not a cat

I have tried to give him every excuse for how he is trust me. All we get is sly sneery grins. We have given him too much. And if it were the case of us being over bearing why would he be telling his wife he wants so badly to stay and then treat us so coldly. We are only a checkbook and our daughter is being lied to. We know he has no intention of coming back, it’s my daughter he has promised not us.

As for being employed it’s only 40$k a year and he has told her they will live poor so he can pay his loan. There is no plan for her health except that we r still going to be expected to pay what the military doesn’t cover
 
TeaBelle said:
I’m expected to drop my ill daughter to him and be happy?
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Yes. He is her husband. It’s his job to care for her.
TeaBelle said:
I don’t even know how to feel except worried, disrespected, n just to cry and pray
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If there is something seriously amiss with him, tell your daughter she will always have a safe and loving place to go and people who love her if she needs them.

Her place is with him now.

You haven’t mentioned once what your daughter thinks about his plan.
 
OP, you need to talk to a family counselor about limits and boundaries. Take your daughter to a counselor with you, if she wants. I know that you feel that you have been doing the selfless thing, but you seem to want to make decisions for your daughter and her husband even though they are married adults.
 
What does your daughter think of the treatment you describe? Comments about her tutoring children or his plans for the military and her care?

If your daughter is concerned, she has a decision to make regarding whether she stays with you or goes with him. If she is not concerned then follow her lead.
 
My daughter does not want to go. She wants me to pray for a miracle 😰😪 I have tried to tell her it is unlikely and doesn’t look to anyone in our entire family that her husband is being honest with her. But she will go because he has promised her what she wants to hear that they will be back in 4 years, something no one believes but I told her I hope he proves everyone wrong. We are an open hearted very giving family. I only want my daughter to be taken care of and her health not to deteriorate, and I didn’t sign up for this if I have to drive 8 hours when she needs help
 
The military is an excellent option. As an army wife with health issues and mom of kids with heart problems, I assure you she will be taken care of. Our insurance is top notch. I know many people will disagree with me, but I’ve dealt with civilian plans as well as Tricare and nothing really beats Tricare.

As an officer’s wife she will be much better off than us enlisted wives. They have better housing, higher pay, more community support, officer wives clubs, etc. If he’s a JAG officer his schedule is much more predictable than my husband’s schedule and often they are able to move their spouses to locations that for most of us would be unaccompanied tours. It’s a pretty good job and it opens doors to many career opportunities after the military.

Your daughter won’t be moving immediately with him. He has to go through training and arrive at his first duty station before she is able to move. During the time he is gone she will have ample opportunity to decide if she wants to join him or not. Honestly being only 8 hours from family is pretty darn good. Most of my marriage we’ve been way more than that! We’ve lived entire continents away. Right now we are about 8 hours from my family and we feel like we are home.

Give him some credit. He’s joined the military not robbed a bank. He’s graduated college and become a lawyer. He set a time limit on the job hunt and stuck to plan B. That’s pretty good. Your daughter knew what plan B was and she even let you know. it seems as if nothing he does will be good enough. You don’t like that he couldn’t find a job and now they he has one you still don’t like it. I understand not wanting your daughter to be so far away, but she’s a married woman and she’s making a life with her husband.

I know you say he’s arrogant, but maybe he’s more concerned for his wife’s health and well being instead. Maybe you are reading it wrong. Perhaps he doesn’t want her working because she struggles enough to just cook and do normal daily activities. Maybe he knows adding a job on top of that would have negative affects on her wellbeing. It is possible he lives her as much as you love her. Honestly, if he had her working would that make you think more of him? Probably not. You would be very upset that she was having to work while he was still searching. Try to see some good in him. Apparently your daughter found him good enough to marry. Seek out ways to find good in this situation and help your daughter be happy and know she’s got your support. Allow her to become excited about making a home of her own for her own family instead of feeling torn between two homes.
 
What are your plans now that you have a shattered empty nest? Do you plan to spend your twilight years there? Travel? Teach? Career change? Move?

As a parents, we are taught to teach our children to fly away. Too often, we have a hard time examining our next path God wants us on.

Certainly, your daughter is going to have anxiety if you do. However, if you can speak positive and help her feel secure about change the anxiety will diminish. The more you help this couple fly, the more likely they will feel comfortable returning to visit you.

I was watching “The Bells of St Mary’s” and realized how hard it is to let go of children (especially since I’m now a mom). The advice that rings in my head from this movie is to not become overly attached to places. God has plans for you (and husband?) while a new branch is growing for your daughter and her family.
 
TeaBelle said:
No sour grapes here only shattered hearts and worry over my daughters well being 8 hours away from any family. If there was a conversation about how he planned to care for her so far away from anyone we wouldn’t feel disrespected. His family will be even further. In the past 3 years they were only 3 hours away n I could go get her to take her to doctors. This will be hard on both families when her health fails. She can’t drive, how will she get to any therapy.

So far his 7yrs of school has brought him to high levels on video games and we welcome the military to adjust his attitude. He is lazy and arrogant. My daughter graduated with honors and scholars n also has a 4 year degree that unfortunately she cannot put to use. He puts her down by laughing at the possibility of her even tutoring, saying “she couldn’t possibly tutor an elementary student ha ha ha”. There are so many things I could say on the subject of his arrogance and disrespect but I only came on this forum to get advice on how to react in a Christian way while dealing with what just hit our family in the face.

Living alone all day in an apartment waiting for someone to come feed you and take care of you is also an awfully hard life to ask of my daughter to sign on for. She’s not a cat

I have tried to give him every excuse for how he is trust me. All we get is sly sneery grins. We have given him too much. And if it were the case of us being over bearing why would he be telling his wife he wants so badly to stay and then treat us so coldly. We are only a checkbook and our daughter is being lied to. We know he has no intention of coming back, it’s my daughter he has promised not us.

As for being employed it’s only 40$k a year and he has told her they will live poor so he can pay his loan. There is no plan for her health except that we r still going to be expected to pay what the military doesn’t cover
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Yes, I think you have probably given him too much, you probably ought to have had a repayment plan in place when your son-in-law and daughter accepted your financial help or else give the money just to your daughter, but that is water under the bridge. The thing to consider now is how to go forward and how you expect to be treated now.

I would really suggest you get counselling with your daughter about how she can advocate on her own behalf. You live in 2016, so you ought to be able to keep in contact with her via something like Skype. Keep in mind, however, that she is a married woman and in spite of her vulnerable condition she needs to be the one who initiates on behalf of what she wants. It is going to be hard, but try to convince her that your concern is not to do what you think she needs to do or to make your son-in-law do what you think he needs to do, but just to give her support in advocating for herself.

With your son-in-law, I would think you could use some help in deciding how to treat him like a human being without allowing him to use your concern for your daughter to manipulate you. Sure, you ought to support your daughter so he doesn’t use her vulnerable situation to neglect or mistreat her. The main thing, however, is this: you allow her to make her own decisions and her own mistakes. You also do not want to undermine her marriage by treating her husband with contempt or making personal attacks.

Considering your daughter’s unusually vulnerable situation, though, I think deciding how to handle this goes beyond normal need for parents to let adult children live their own lives and make their own mistakes. This is a tricky situation. Don’t go it alone. The advice we can give is worth what you pay for it. Go looking for better advice, and if you have to pay for it, then do it.
 
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